I know it was just an oversight...

[vvviola]

... but AIBU to think that after almost 4 years you should remember what your granddaughter is allergic to?

(Sorry MIL related)

Package arrived from MiL for DC today. A few toys and sweets. Lovely. Really appreciated and it's nice that she made the effort to send something for them because she knows they love getting it.

But she sent chocolate for DD2. Who is allergic to dairy. MIL knows this. We lived near her and visited relatively often for 3 years. She saw all the anxiety at the beginning, watched me read every label.

I know it was just an oversight, and I won't make a big deal of it, but seeing DD2's face wobble when she told me "Nana sent us a present but I couldn't eat the chocolates" just made me very sad.

It's not the first time she has sent something a bit inappropriate (Christmas was two giant motion operated wall hangings of dinosaur/lion heads - we live in a very small rented property), but I thought she might at least remember not to send chocolate.

AIBU to be a bit exasperated?

(Ranting on here so I don't rant to DH about it. I know she meant well...)

[Londonista]

By the way, I really hope the allergy gets better. We saw a fantastic specialist at St Georges and he helped us avoid it turning into a wider allergy to tree-nuts (hazelnuts, cashews etc) by getting us to introduce them in minute amounts early on.

When my son was 9 months old he had a full blown attack, blue lights the lot. When he ate a whole packet of sesame crackers in Spain last October, age 6, he was swelled up like a balloon, covered in hives and vomiting but significantly he had no trouble breathing, and an injection quickly settled it down. Doc says she thinks he is slowly growing out of it.

[diddl]

Has she got lots of GC?

I can't imagine not remembering really.

Would you remember about your own child?

So why not theirs?

[vvviola]

No, DD1 and DD2 are her only grandchildren.

[bakeoffcake]

I've made this mistake with my nieces..

I've sent chocolate and they both have nut allergies. My Sister and SIL have been very gracious. When I've woken in the night and remembered what a twat I've been, I've contacted them and been told not to worry at all, they realise it's me being forgetful.

I do understand why you'd get annoyed though.

I won't mention the fact I also once sent my Granny a lovely box of biscuits and she was diabetic

[diddl]

Well unless she doesn't realise that chocolate has dairy in then YANBU.

Seems to me a small thing to know/remember what one of your two GC are allergic to!

Hell, I even remember that one of my nieces friends has diabetes.

He was quite ill around the time it was discovered & my parents used to take stuff out for him when they visited my niece.

You remember stuff like that.

[diddl]

Great cross post!

[BalloonSlayer]

YANBU, my allergic DC is 15 now and I still feel a pang when he says "we won the x quiz at school but the prize was a chocolate bar" even though the teacher couldn't really predict that his team would win (although they always win). This is his form tutor who should know this sort of thing about him - luckily the rest of his form are pretty vocal on his behalf.

DC is ok about it but gets to me every time, just I think because at home he is sort of protected from realising how much stuff he can't have. He was given a dairy free Easter egg by a family member who had gone to a great deal of trouble- and expense - to get it . . . unfortunately it was made of nuts which he also can't eat! It's bad enough at Easter when you have a dairy allergy and so it's extra-crap when it turns out you can't even eat a dairy-free Easter Egg.

[JessieMcJessie]

Is it possible that she didn't connect chocolate and dairy? I know it's called "milk chocolate" but perhaps she just wasn't thinking because it was not "white dairy"?

Have you called her to discuss? You could say, breezily, just wondered why you sent the chocolate?

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

Next time something like this happens promise your dad a trip to a hotel chocolat supplier as their dark chocolate is dairy free. That will reverse the wobbly lip effect.

[BalloonSlayer]

yes but some of it is made of nuts, which needs to be watched for a lot od allergic people (see my post above)

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

But OP didn't say anything about nut allergy (unless I missed it).
I am dairy free and can eat hotel chocolat as I don't have any other food allergies.
DS is allergic to dairy, wheat and nuts among other things so he can only have specific chocolate that I buy in the free from section at the supermarket (tastes bloody awful).

[Andro]

You know rationally it was just an oversight and isn't a big deal.

This is an attitude I've come across so many times it's unbelievable! Yes it may well be 'just' an oversight (and spotted before any harm was done on this occasion), but it is a big deal...or at least has the potential to be. This time the oversight was clear to see, next time it may not be.

I'm not suggesting suggesting that any offence should be taken, but the error should be highlighted for the child's safety

[trian]

the look on your daughter's face tells you that you weren't being unreasonable, not just about your mil but also about your husband/partner. yu think he'd say "she meant well" - how? by effectively rubbing your daughters nose in the fact that she can't have a treat that almost all other kids have really often, that's often specifically marketed to kids etc?!!!

here's my helpful practical input: in case you don't know, there are vegan alternatives to MILK chocolate that you can find online, in Holland and barrat or even better in independent health food shops. Vego has hazelnuts in it, Plamil does one and there's one called Bunnykins or something? that's specifically aimed at kids, actually I think it's made by Moo Free

She comes first, unless your mil is developing dementia there really is no excuse for her thoughtless behaviour, if that was my grandkid i'd have already found out about the vegan immitation milk choc and read up about dairy intolerance and be reading every sodding label myself

[acasualobserver]

unless your mil is developing dementia there really is no excuse for her thoughtless behaviour

Alternatively, you could excuse her mistake because, you know, like you, she's a human.

[BalloonSlayer]

No I know she doesn't mention any other allergies Iamnot, sorry, I wasn't criticising your post - I just couldn't help myself giving the warning as it was a hotel chocolat egg that I was talking about in my post (next but one before yours) that my DC couldn't eat that had obviously been chosen with kind intentions because it was "dairy free" so still led to disappointment.

[LittleCandle]

BalloonSlayer I completely get what you are saying and can see that the person had good intentions. I do think, though, that when it is your grandchild, you should know their allergies and remember them. My DD has just had a baby and is naturally going to be very cautious about introducing foods to her, given her own huge number of allergies, but her SIL is being a stupid cow about it, saying she'll give baby XYZ even if 'bad mummy' won't let her have them. DD's DP has had to have strong words with his sister, pointing out that she has the potential to kill the baby niece she is so gaga about.

[ovenchips]

Andro You are quoting one line from my post and twisting it to be an example of something you seem to have a chip on your shoulder about. You've got the wrong end of the stick about my whole post to do that. I understand the OP's annoyance acutely.

But I also imagine the MIL made a mistake and was not purposely trying to hurt her granddaughter. If she was, that would be a big deal.

One of my DC had an incredibly strict, restrictive diet for years (much more than dairy free). Treats were regularly offered by family members (who knew all about the restricted diet) that could absolutely not be eaten. Regularly. It was a mixture of oversight and lack of understanding. There was no malice or hurt intended. I was very vigilant in policing my DC's diet anyway so there was no question of my DC ingesting them. It was not a big deal.

[vvviola]

Well, now it's just odd.

DH was talking to her yesterday. He mentioned the chocolate. Her response? "Well, yes, but it was really the I thought she'd like" So she intentionally sent something she knew DD couldn't have (I hadn't realised before now that the other gift and the chocolate came packaged together. I mean, she remembered, couldn't she have taken out the chocolate and replaced it with some haribo or something?!

I'm letting DH deal with it. But I am stocking up on treats for the cupboard in case the next package has the same issue...

[Andro]

So she intentionally sent something she knew DD couldn't have

Not an oversight then, more a callous disregard for your dd's physical and emotional well-being!


ovenchips
I do have issues about this kind of thing, an unintentional error can become a very big, utterly terrifying deal all too easily (and I've landed in ICU as a result of them more than once) I don't minimise - with a mother who didn't give a toss about my safety I couldn't afford to.

[vvviola]

Yes Andro, exactly. I've chosen to let DH deal with it as MIL is currently on the other side of the world, so I can just make doubly sure to check packages in detail. But it's making me very nervous about her visit here in the summer, as she had made noises about taking DC on day trips.

Will have to have a conversation with DH closer to the date and see how we will handle it. Direct confrontation doesn't work with MIL.

[hiddenhome2]

It is extremely stressful having a child with a food allergy that might possibly be serious. People wouldn't take risks with other aspects of health, so why is food allergy not taken seriously?

"a little bit of butter" ffs

Ds1's loser bio father and his family used to think it was funny to give him stuff with nut warnings on. He carries adrenaline pens, but they still didn't take it seriously.

People can be deliberately thick I find

[Solasum]

I have a lifelong severe peanut allergy. My DS is allergic to eggs. My mother seems to forget this constantly, and has tried to give him eg cake 'because he wants some'. He is 2. Of course he wants cake. Several times she has let him eat things like Jaffa cakes without thinking to check the ingredients, and she is then surprised when I get cross. He gets really bad eczema and tummy ache when he eats baked egg. I would sort of understand if she hadn't dealt with my own allergy, but she did. Baffling!

[Andro]

Will have to have a conversation with DH closer to the date and see how we will handle it.

I'd handle the day trip issue by saying no, after deliberately sending your DD something dangerous to her I don't see any other safe way.

[vvviola]

That's my instinct at the moment - or allowing it only if I provide a packed lunch (to be fair, both DD1 and DD2 are very good at double checking food, but that's not a responsibility I want to put on an 8yo and a 4yo).

[Andro]

vvviola

I don't envy you the decision! I wouldn't want to put my dc in the position of having to manage grandma buying treats/offering food in addition to the packed lunch, I agree that the responsibility is too much without a safety net.