To not give someone a lift

[poppiesanddaisies]

Hi, I don't think I was unreasonable here (tell me if you think I was!) but I just would like to know how to avoid this sort of thing in future.

I live near another woman at work and I do give her a lift back generally. Today though, I couldn't because I was going shopping. I finished work an hour ago and I texted her beforehand (I picked her up) to let her know I wouldn't be dropping her home.

She replied asking about buses and I said I didn't know!

All the way through the shift she kept moaning and saying there weren't any buses. It's that I'm asking about really - what do you say to people? It was so awkward.

I know I wasn't being unreasonable really but AIBU to ask for advice as to how to politely tell someone to shut it?

[CooPie10]

I honestly would ignore the message and not bring it up. Actually stop giving her a lift, because she's stopped appreciating it and has started expecting it .

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

I had something similar (on monthly work dinners not daily but it was someone cheeky coming on to me ) and came up with have to go to my daily yoga session straight after so sorry can't help

Btw hope she's got you lunch/coffee a few times

[LordBrightside]

I actually think it's irresponsible of a grown adult not to have learned to drive. It's such an important life skill and an important part of being independent.

Before I passed my test in my early 20s I felt awkward and sometimes mortified if I ever felt I was relying on a lift to anything.

I actually think it should be taught at school.

[DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow]

There's usually a point with certain arrangements like giving lifts, or for example collecting someone else's child on the school run because you're doing it anyway is another classic, that in the recipient's eyes it stops becoming a favour and starts being expected.

The recipient stops being grateful and starts feeling entitled.

The ONLY response to the OP's text, should have been "ok no problem, thanks for letting me know".

I agree with the posters who have said that you need to start making these lifts the exception rather than the rule now. The stupid woman has spoiled it for herself with her silly behaviour.

[poppiesanddaisies]

Thanks, DrGoogle, and you're right, that's what has happened here.

The job is car based which makes it difficult. We have clients to visit and sometimes anti social hours to contend with. I would never expect someone to go home in the dark but at the same time I do think whinging about catching a bus on the middle of the day on Saturday is completely piss taking and it's made me cross.

[TheClacksAreDown]

Unless you enjoy her company particularly I'd knock the lifts on the head for good.

[poppiesanddaisies]

I'm going to.

I'm actually put out and cross about this and I'm normally very easygoing!

[StealthPolarBear]

Oh I see. That is difficult when you're driving around with her on yourshift.

[fuzzpig]

I'm not sure I agree lord - obviously I'm biased but it is perfectly possible to get by quite happily with public transport and the occasional taxi, and of course walking. That's not to say that I wouldn't learn if I was able (it's health issues, as well as money, that prevent it), but I am happy and independent without it. So I think irresponsible might, in general, be a little harsh :) what IS irresponsible of this woman is that she is expecting others to pick up her slack, rather than the not driving, IMHO. And what I've just seen in a later post, that it is a car-based job! Why take a car-based job if you don't drive?! That's baffling.

Perhaps it depends where one lives though - I grew up in greater London and am now in a part of Sussex with seriously good public transport links. If I was in rural Devon or something, then not driving could quite reasonably be thought of as insane.

[poppiesanddaisies]

It does but I still don't think I was unreasonable today?

I am now picking someone else up who is late!

[StealthPolarBear]

No, not unreasonable at all

[Cressandra]

I agree Fuzzpig. It's much harder to be fully independent without a car, but it's possible. It's the attitude, not the car ownership per se. If there is a moral imperative, Lord, I would think it's to be properly independent. A car is the easiest way to do that but public transport and taxis can also work. The difference with OP's cadger is she's taking the lifts for granted.

[LordBrightside]

That's fair enough fuzzpig. Of course some people have health issues which would impact on their driving, I get that.

I do think driving should be taught in schools though, similar to what happens in the US. "Drivers Ed" or whatever.

[pudcat]

The job is car based which makes it difficult. So why do folk take such a job if they do not have a car?

[londonrach]

Op stop these lifts full stop. If the job is dependant on a car then they need work cars or people need to use their own cars. Agree talk to your boss. Silly situation now.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If the job is car based, why aren't your colleagues driving themselves? I'm a bit confused about that.

I 100% agree with DrGoogle about the sense of entitlement rather than seeing the lifts as an exception and not the norm.

Nip this one in the bud now and explain to your manager that it is no longer possible for you to be taking X, Y and Z into and out of work as your family situation can no longer accommodate it. Don't expand on that explanation but keep saying it.

Good luck!

[Bogeyface]

I know someone who took a job on the basis that "someone" would give her a lift. They didnt which she thought was her bosses job to sort out, kept being late which she blamed on public transport and then was genuinely shocked that she didnt pass her probation!

One of the first things I check before even applying is whether the location is doable on public transport because although we have a car we dont have any back up if it is off the road. Common sense surely?

[Gabilan]

Not sure why employers take on non-car owners for a car-based job.

As for the reasonablesness or otherwise of not driving, far too many people take it for granted and are unsafe drivers. I can drive but choose not to. I'm in the rural s/west and not in fact insane, or inclined to use MH terms as insults. I get round on buses, on foot and by bike.

FFS. 120 years ago no-one drove. It's not a crime but you need to be happy with active alternatives.

[Paintedhandprints]

Suggest she gets a bicycle (cheaper than a car). Lazy woman.
Definately be busy with gym, shopping, hobby after work from now on!

[fuzzpig]

Sorry, the word insane was tongue in cheek and badly thought out (not least as a veteran of MH issues myself)

[EmpressOfTheVulvaCupcakes]

I don't want to learn to drive, but to accommodate that I've always lived in places with decent public transport. Taking a job without being able to get there & back under my own steam would be ridiculous.

It's nice if friends offer me lifts to places sometimes but I never expect them to, and I always offer petrol money, buy the coffees etc. That's being a responsible non-driver. This woman is taking the piss.

[Gabilan]

Thanks, fuzzpig. You definitely have to be determined to be car-free in a rural area. IMO the sad thing is that 50 years ago there was less expectancy that people would drive and so better public transport. Still, all the cycling keeps me fit!

[Lurkedforever1]

Yanbu. I've always found ungrateful lift scroungers are always the ones with least reason to. It's never the person who has genuine reasons for benefiting from a lift (money/ health etc). They're always the group you have to convince you are happy to help. Ime it's the ones who are just taking the piss and keeping their money to themselves who feel entitled to the use of your car.

Tell your colleague you'll happily drop her each night, for x% of your annual running costs, plus your normal hourly rate for your time.

[fuzzpig]

Thank you for accepting my apology Gabilan - I have ASD and sometimes get this whole trying-to-be-funny thing remarkably wrong and then have to excavate my foot from my mouth! :o

I am really impressed though - the reason I said Devon is that some of my family now live down there in a very, very rural area. Buses are non-existent until you get to the nearest town, a 15min drive in itself, and it doesn't feel safe cycling on narrow country lanes (but perhaps that is a matter of time and getting used to it). They absolutely love it there, it's very idyllic (and oh my word, the views!) but they do worry about having car troubles as it would be very hard to get to work/school etc, compared to here where it's no big deal at all.