Who is being unreasonable? If it's me, how do I fix this?

[coralpig]

DP and I are engaged and we have a great relationship most of the time.

For the last few months he's become extremely anxious about leaving taps on, electrics, cooker - everything really. Taking photographs with his phone of a tap so that he can prove that it isn't running etc. He'll often go back home when he's half way down the street to check. A few nights ago, after I'd had a very long day and I had only just relaxed out with him, I mentioned the cooker in passing and he got up and left and was gone nearly 45 minutes so that he can check the lights were off at home (they were). I'm finding this behaviour incredibly difficult to deal with and whenever I've raised it it's either been dismissed or he's told me that he lets go my personality quirks.
Similarly, is a problem with wanting to rush to leave immediately as soon as something is finished. For instance, I had a new friend round who is very shy and is going through a hard time, we had dinner and as soon as we had finished he was up, clearing, cleaning and making lots of yawning gestures saying he was tired and ready to go to bed. My friend took the hint and started to make tracks home. I was mortified and embarrassed that he would be so rude but he said he didn't mean to and thought he was actually being nice.

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. We were sitting and relaxing when he immediately asked me if I was ready to leave, proceeded to check and recheck the taps, electrics, keys and said that I should go ahead so that we make the next bus. He could see that I still had lots to do and I didn't like being rushed. I didn't want to make a scene or pick a fight but my mood clearly changed. Later on, he became angry at me for 'spoiling a lovely' evening and I really hit the roof and said some unkind things how about how I was sick of this kind of behaviour and brought up the fact that he was rude to my friend the other night. I called his anxieties about taps running and the cooker ridiculous and he started to become extremely upset and angry. Stormed out of the room and wouldn't speak to me. Exasperated, I asked if we could talk about this like grown ups so we didn't go to sleep upset with each other. He refused and this morning told me he was extremely angry and upset and that I had behaved disgustingly. He said that I'd crossed a line and that I had no right speaking about his anxieties - they were his problems not mine. He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them. He said that he had let my attitude towards the other night 'slide' but that I had no right to make him feel so small and to belittle him. Now he's gone to work.

I apologised repeatedly this morning for speaking so unkindly and i've done so again by text. I do mean it as I don't like to upset him and whilst I thought he might have some control over his tendencies and his rushing around, maybe they are wider mental health problems and probably symptomatic of OCD or similar. In my text, I said that I was really sorry for being so unkind but that I wish he would talk to me and not shut me out. I said that I just wanted to talk things through so I could support him. He's ignored this text and I know that he's seen it.


I'm not normally so insensitive but, similarly, I don't think his reaction to this reasonable. Can anybody with experience of OCD or of living with somebody with the condition suggest what I can do to support him? Thanks for reading.

[Baconyum]

I am really shocked at those saying to leave him, would you give the same advice to someone whose partner developed diabetes or Ms or fibro? All of which sufferers often initially prefer to deny or not confront and treat properly?

I have ocd, I'm not currently in a relationship but my ex (who is far from saintly) would never have left because of the ocd! He encouraged and supported me getting treatment and even since we've split and he knows its much worse and we've had raging arguments about many other things but he's never used that against me!

Yes he needs help OP, but gently encouraged, discuss with him. The way he's reacting is probably out of anxiety and fear which as you have anxiety yourself I'm sure you know how that feels. The rushing may be to give him space to give in to the behaviours unfortunately.

In your position I'd impress upon him that it's kinda no big deal, but probably a good idea to go to Dr and get some help. Unfortunately it can take a long time to get therapy and longer still to get the right therapy. Medication helps to a point.

Wishing you both lots of luck and healthy good wishes at such a difficult time

[JerryFerry]

The thing is, the problem is not confined to him, it is affecting you as well. So yes you have every right to tackle the issue and to be heard.

He is forcing all sorts of unreasonable controls on you and whether or niw he intends to is beside the oiint, it is not acceptable. So if this relationship is going to work, he nees to be open to addressing his anxiety problem.

[sykadelic]

For the last few months he's become extremely anxious... taking photographs with his phone of a tap so that he can prove that it isn't running etc...

This is interesting, the taking photos. He feels like he's going crazy or he's worried about his memory.

whenever I've raised it it's either been dismissed or he's told me that he lets go my personality quirks.

He's in denial and he's not listening to you. He's dismissive of your feelings and opinions on it.

Similarly, is a problem with wanting to rush to leave immediately as soon as something is finished.

This is to do with the anxiety of course. It's unlikely he's ever really letting go about those anxieties and his urge to rush is to hurry up and get back so he can check again.

he said he didn't mean to and thought he was actually being nice

I can't imagine why he thought he was being nice, unless he thinks everyone is in a hurry to get home like he is.

I asked if we could talk about this like grown ups so we didn't go to sleep upset with each other.

Had you apologised before you said "talk about it like grown ups"? If not, you were essentially insulting him again.

He said that I'd crossed a line and that I had no right speaking about his anxieties - they were his problems not mine. He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them.

If you're getting married you DO have a right to bring them up, but certainly not in the explosive and mean manner you did so.

he had let my attitude towards the other night 'slide' but that I had no right to make him feel so small and to belittle him.

It's interesting that your "attitude" was something that he needed to let slide, but his behaviour isn't regarded the same way (as something you let slide).

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You know he needs help OP, but you can't force someone to get help. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him yet, he'd need to show that he understands he needs help and that he's willing to try and get it. His anxieties are ruling YOUR life as well and that's not okay. Just because he's "sick" doesn't mean you need to put up with it, and being sick is not an excuse and if he was trying to get help it would be different.

[houseeveryweekend]

'If someone developed a bad knee and refused to seek medical treatment, even though the injury was blatantly affecting not their lives but the lives of others around them, then I suspect quite a lot of posters would suggest leaving the relationship.

It is one thing to have a condition or illness, physical or mental; it is another thing entirely to not seek treatment for it or deny its existence.'

This is totally true! Its all very well having sympathy and trying to help someone with a mental illness but you will not get anywhere unless they admit they have a problem and put some effort in themselves. Do not accept things being blamed on you as this is a common thing people will do to avoid having to address their own problems. It sounds like he is currently just passing responsibility on to you. Hopefully you can talk about it when things are less heated and maybe he will agree to see a doctor about it. Good luck xx

[houseeveryweekend]

I think he really needs to admit he has a problem and talk about it with you and then ideally a professional maybe get some sort of CBT.... it doesn't bode well for your marriage if this is happening now and he seems completely unable to address it with you.
I think you need to sit him down and try and talk honestly about it. I imagine it is a very sensitive issue for him but he cant just accuse you of being mad rather than discuss it with you! Try and get him to talk about it without sounding judgemental or confrontational. He will need professional help if things are impacting on his life as much as you say they are... and he cant get that unless he actually admits its a problem. I would really try and sort this out before you get married. The pressure of being married may just make it more difficult to talk about.... its something that needs sorting before hand. x

[NameChange30]

"Similarly, is a problem with wanting to rush to leave immediately as soon as something is finished. For instance, I had a new friend round who is very shy and is going through a hard time, we had dinner and as soon as we had finished he was up, clearing, cleaning and making lots of yawning gestures saying he was tired and ready to go to bed. My friend took the hint and started to make tracks home. I was mortified and embarrassed that he would be so rude but he said he didn't mean to and thought he was actually being nice."

Has he ever done this to one of his friends? Do you think he would? Just wondering if the fact that it was your friend and not his might have been a factor. Maybe next time you meet up with this friend, you should do so at her house or at a neutral place, without DP.

" I didn't want to make a scene or pick a fight but my mood clearly changed. Later on, he became angry at me for 'spoiling a lovely' evening and I really hit the roof and said some unkind things how about how I was sick of this kind of behaviour and brought up the fact that he was rude to my friend the other night. I called his anxieties about taps running and the cooker ridiculous and he started to become extremely upset and angry. Stormed out of the room and wouldn't speak to me. Exasperated, I asked if we could talk about this like grown ups so we didn't go to sleep upset with each other. He refused and this morning told me he was extremely angry and upset and that I had behaved disgustingly. He said that I'd crossed a line and that I had no right speaking about his anxieties - they were his problems not mine. He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them. He said that he had let my attitude towards the other night 'slide' but that I had no right to make him feel so small and to belittle him."

There are some worrying things here. It sounds like it was actually your DP who started this argument - you "didn't want to pick a fight" but he could sense you were upset, and instead of asking you why, he got angry with you. You were challenging his behaviour, which you are perfectly entitled to do (within reason) and calling it "ridiculous" is not ideal but it's not the crime of the century either! Saying that you "behaved disgustingly" is an overreaction and suggests to me that he will not tolerate being challenged or criticised. That is a big red flag IMO. Also the fact that he said he will "let it slide" and accuses you of "belittling" him suggests to me that he wants the power and control in this relationship. Another red flag.

Is he like this most of the time? Does he ever tolerate criticism or disagreement? Will he ever apologise or admit that he's in the wrong?

[babynumber3eek]

No. They wouldn't. When you consider that admitting a MH issue can be impossibly difficult in itself people should know better.

The OP already stated that she wants help in getting him treatment and that her OH supported her through her own MH issues. None of that suggests she needs the advice to leave him! He's going through an awful time - compassion and support are in order, not a packed suitcase or returned ring! Her DP didn't do that to her when I'm guessing it might have been 'easier' to do so at times when she was ill! Hopefully, after everyone has calmed down, this argument might allow a more frank discussion.

[Werksallhourz]

Baby MH issues are no different from physical health issues - if he developed a bad knee which limited your lives together no one would be urging you to leave!

If someone developed a bad knee and refused to seek medical treatment, even though the injury was blatantly affecting not their lives but the lives of others around them, then I suspect quite a lot of posters would suggest leaving the relationship.

It is one thing to have a condition or illness, physical or mental; it is another thing entirely to not seek treatment for it or deny its existence.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I advised her to leave because this man is unwilling to communicate, nasty to the OP, starting to isolate the OP from her friends .... He's eating away at her and they aren't even married yet.

I agree with this btw. You can have genuine, distressing mental health problems and still choose to behave poorly at times. I've done and sadly still occasionally do both.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I have mental health problems myself - I wasn't seeking to belittle them! I was giving a sarcastic impression of what a person who considers themself to not have such issues might think. There is obviously still stigma around mental health and many people (including my mother) fight the very notion that they might need help for years. OP's DP sounds like one of these.

My statement above was obviously poorly worded and I apologise for that.

[WhoseBadgerIsThis]

I think all advising her to leave is a bit premature really. Maybe these are signs he is trying to isolate her, etc, but maybe he's a distressed man being unreasonable out of fear. Sure, don't rule out leaving if he won't change or acknowledge he has a problem, but I think it's a bit too early to diagnose that yet.

I also think those posters highlighting that he "accuses her of having MH problems" as proof of his unreasonableness have missed the OPs comment that she does indeed have MH problems that he has been very supportive with.

[coralpig]

To clarify: I do have mental health issues but these are largely under control.

I don't want to leave him.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[pinkcan]

Babynumber3 I think you are viewing the man's MH problem in isolation and thinking that it is the reason the OP is being advised to leave. Not so.

I advised her to leave because this man is unwilling to communicate, nasty to the OP, starting to isolate the OP from her friends and accuses her of having MH problems herself. He's eating away at her and they aren't even married yet.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Ask him how making someone realise he wants them to leave is being nice.

If you don't want to live like this, exactly as it is, don't marry him. Some women think a wedding ring has magic powers to change things. It doesn't.

By all means support him going to the doctor, if he will go as he probably thinks you are the one with the problem, but don't be under any illusion that things will be hard and he actually might not have OCD at all but just have different ways of wanting to live his life at best, or controlling tendencies at worse.

It's not about abandoning someone who is mentally ill. It's about being honest about what one can live with and what they can give.

[BoffinMum]

I agree with the people that say he needs to seek help rather than you. He is behaving in a very damaging way and he needs to acknowledge that. So in your position I would suggest that to him and ask him to do something about it because it was making you very unhappy. You can be supportive by going along with him to counselling if required, being extra pleasant on counselling days if he is stressed, and feeding back when you think his efforts are working well.

[babynumber3eek]

I am pretty shocked at you being urged to withdraw from the relationship - appalled might be a better description.

MH issues are no different from physical health issues - if he developed a bad knee which limited your lives together no one would be urging you to leave! Even with physical health issues it often takes a while for the sufferer to realise the impact it is having on their/others lives. With MH issues this can be even harder for obvious reasons.

It does sound like your OH needs medical help OP, I'm sure that once you/he have calmed down from your row (just like anyone has to do when you've argued about anything) you'll both be in a better place to have a rational conversation. You can't measure rationality when you're both upset /angry/defensive!

I really hope that those requesting the OP leave/postpone the engagement never themselves have to suffer from a MH condition - or have to "support" a loved one with one...

[Onsera3]

My husband has OCD and I know how frustrating it can be to live with. I believe his is actually Aspergers. I've got us books on it and he admits he can definitely relate. I think this is why he can't handle any criticism and can't have rational arguments.


He's a good man and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else but it is hard. His OCDs have actually got quite a bit better since we had children as he just has to let chaos reign a little more. Still quite frustrating though.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

My DH has some OCD issues which manifests mainly in hoarding, so not quite the same but can effect my kids and I on a very large scale.

He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them. This in itself is telling of him not wanting to address his behaviours or wanting to see them as a problem. DH, FWIW, never played that card on me. Like you I have depression and anxiety issues which DH helped enormously with, but also like you I was open and honest with them. And like me, his lack of acknowledging his behaviour's effect on you has meant you've exploded when a calm conversation was probably the best way forward.

Things only improved with DH when I kicked him out. It wasn't until he had to land on his parent's doorstep and them ask what was happening before he finally admitted what was wrong. He never really admitted to his parents how bad it was, but he has since seen a therapist and we've reached a slight improvement stage (hoard is not growing, but the cull has come to a standstill and he's happy not moving on that - so we still have improvement required!).

The illness isn't a 'leaving offence', not caring how it affects you is. That's the major kicker here. Unfortunately like most other things you cannot force him to help himself, and its up to you to decide whether you can continue like this if he won't get himself help. If he acknowledges it and gets himself some help, part of it will be about being more open and in that openness he will be able to let you know how to help him. Sorry there's no easy answer for you

[pinkcan]

I wouldn't marry him.

[toffeeboffin]

What a casual said.

Had his OCD got worse over time?

I have very slight OCD about leaving the oven on, so I can understand his point. But I've always been like that since teenager and it hasn't got worse. My mum's the same.

[lunar1]

Has he ever belittled you for your mental health?

I'd think back to what he did to help you seek help and do that. It's your turn to be there for him now.

[GloGirl]

I think he had hoped his anxieties didn't impact on you. Now you have put it in very clear black and white terms how much that bothers you. That is going to make him feel ashamed, embarrassed, upset and likely to make his difficult behaviours much much worse in the short term, this may spiral for him as it leads to more shame etc.

I don't blame you at all for saying what you did as you are sorry for saying it. Just letting you think about how the next few days are not going to be easy.

[whois]

The illness isn't a 'leaving offence', not caring how it affects you is.

Exactly.

You really do need to look our for yourself here. He needs to engage with treatment to prove himself to be a worthwhile man for a relationship with you.

[TitClash]

He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them.

Big red flag here.

He needs to cgo for CBT at the very least. Call off the engagement until he has dealt with these issues.

My ex did exactly the same thing - suddenly demanded I be ready to leave now. Thats a control issue. It flusters you and puts you on the wrong foot. That allows them to feel in control compared to you.

[SonjasSister]

Or I suppose, if we did need to live together, I'd have to talk to her a great deal more frankly than I have had to hitherto, if you see what I mean. Which you are going to have to find a way to do.