to be upset at my parents lack of interest

[RhobarbRhobarb]

I think I probably am and need a talking to. One of my teenagers is involved with an amateur dramatic society. She puts a lots of time into rehearsals and they will put on their annual production next month in the local theatre. I have asked my parents if they will come. (They didn't come to last years) they replied immediately that they had other plans (it runs for 3 nights and they have plans for one). I even offered to get them tickets and bring them there and back. I said "That's fine I understand" but really I feel like crying. I think I might be a bit PMTish though so hence posting here. My DD will not say anything either but really everyone else will have grandparents and aunts and uncles there and my DD will have me only. I believe my parents think we put too much emphasis on her drama interest and disapprove and as they are quite controlling this is their way of expressing their disapproval - they never ask about what she's doing either even though they do love her very much. They also do go to the theatre regularly so it is not from a complete lack of interest (though I do understand that am-dram can be hard going). Do I need to grow up and get over this?

[Headofthehive55]

I agree with the thought that expression of love means you go and support them in their hobbies. I can't imagine why you'd not want to.

we support each other's hobbies here, likewise my children have sat through concerts that DGrandad has played in and Dgrandma has performed in.

[liinyo]

If the whole issue was your parents not attending I would tend to think YABU. Like your parents I love the theatre and attend regularly but I find AMDRAM a total ordeal. Having to give up an evening to go out and watch other people practice their hobby is hell for me. One of the few advantages of my own DCs being grown up is no longer having to attend their plays and concerts and have to be polite about all the other amateur performers (my own incredibly talented DSs were, of course totally professional, charismatic and eminently watchable).

However, I DO think participating in any form of performance is fantastic for young people and I if I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren I would encourage them in this or any other hobby they were passionate about. If your parents non-attendance is an expression of control or disapproval then it is them that are BU.

[QueenArseClangers]

They sound like right dicks. Sorry to be harsh OP but they obviously don't deserve to have a lovely daughter/grandchildren if the play this conditional Iove shit.

Have you had a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board? 💐

[bearleftmonkeyright]

Oh come on! It's their granddaughter! The op has offered to take them. It's one evening. I am really surprised to be honest that this is seen as unreasonable.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

YABU, you and her dad are the ones that should be there, anyone else is a bonus. Nobody should be forced int going if it doesn't appeal.

I hate amateur drama but will tolerate for a relative who adores it. Friends try and get me to buy tickets to see their children but the kids don't really enjoy it and are tired as its the parents controlling the Hobbes so I won't partake in it.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

I doubt DD will really be the ONLY one. When I was a kid my extended family all lived miles away so no aunts uncles grandparents etc (funny really cause I have about a million of them!)

Yanbu to be upset but it's not going to change anything, just don't let your DD see that you're bothered and she won't be.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

Love conditional on meeting your expectations of which hobbies and jobs are 'worthy' isn't the same as truly loving someone for who they are.

My own father was like this, rubbishing my interests and sulking that I didn't enjoy things he thought worthwhile. It has led to a very negative relationship between us.

I would let your DD know that she can drop their sport if she wishes, and if they sulk tell them they are being ridiculous, with some humour I think that will make them sound even sillier if they respond badly again.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I have this with ExPIL, but to an almost more frustrating level. DD is heavily involved in musical theatre two shows a year. My parents travel 500 round trip every single time to see her.
My ExPIL are very musical, but only classical music so won't travel 3miles to see their DGD. They also let her know that she is interested in the wrong type of music. The most frustrating thing is the musical director of their classical choir is also the musical director of DD's musical theatre group.
I feel stuff them now so didn't tell them when she sang classical music in a Cambridge college chapel at Christmas - I went alone nearly bursting with pride.

[CrystalMcPistol]

I don't she's being PFB about their stony silences!

[Twitterqueen]

I'm going to disagree with all bar one poster here and say that I'm afraid YABU.

Amdram clearly means a lot to you and to your DD but I wouldn't expect anyone to come if they really didn't want to you. You, yes. Her dad yes, siblings yes. Anyone else is an added bonus.

I think you are being a tad u, PFB and over-emotional about it.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

My DD does am dram and my parents love to see her and are extremely proud of her involvement. It's hard work, endless rehearsals and a lot of responsibility for a young person. It has given my DD confidence and she has chosen drama as an option. Yanbu, you should be very proud of her. It's a shame your parents can't do the same.

[Xmasbaby11]

Yabu. I wouldn't expect extended family to come.

[LidikaLikes]

Sounds like my ILs!

Mine are crashing bores who deem themselves so sophisticated, yet are about as suave as Mrs Bouquet, eating After Eight mints at 7:45pm.

My 5 & 3 year old had got some stick on tattoos at a friends party and MIL was very upset about it. Feck off please!!!

I'm an actor and I know they are very cats-bum about it.

[AlwaysHopeful1]

Yanbu, would it really put them out that much to spare one evening. How mean.

[OnlyLovers]

a stoney silence for a few months

I can understand them not being desperate to go to her production, but resenting her and giving her the silent treatment (for MONTHS!) because she's not that keen on something THEY want her to do is not reasonable or rational.

TBH I think she's better off without their 'support' if it's so conditional.

[tobysmum77]

I'm sorry OP I know they're your parents but they sound just awful.

Pretty much sums it up. They didn't talk to you for quitting some crappy job? And yanbu at all but they are going to be the ones who lose out in the end.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

^"they do love her very much."
Really? I'm not seeing it. They refuse to acknowledge her interests and try to force her to conform to theirs. That's not love, that's ownership.


"They really want her to be interested in their sporting interest so invest hugely in her taking part in that but truthfully she doesn't enjoy it and wants to skip it this year which will probably mean a stoney silence for a few months."
She doesn't enjoy it, I'd give her the nod to drop it. And I'd absolutely embrace the stoney silence. I'm sorry OP I know they're your parents but they sound just awful.

[RhobarbRhobarb]

Thank you for you support everyone. I suppose one never stops yearning for the fairytale parents. Well, apart from Cinderella's. And Snow White's. And maybe Hansel and Gretel's but you know what I mean. DD's friends will all go, and my friends.

I personally wouldn't be into am-dram except for supporting DD but it's once a year and none of their other grandchildren have any passionate interests like this so it's the one occasion once a year. I really do believe that it is because of disapproval - reluctant as I am to do so - my mother didn't speak to me for months once when I left a job I hated because she thought it was a good job and sounded good to tell her friends about DM is a little stuck in that old fashioned way of thinking that your job and wealth define you and being an actor (DD's current goal) is not a career that would necessarily lead to either of those.

[trumpfamily]

I too have Grandmothers who show no interest in my children's lives. The only time one Grandmother has shown an interest is when my Son passed his 11+, which is very telling. To the outside World she gives the impression that she is a doting Grandmother but in reality she just rolls them out at social gatherings for bowls. When my Husband had a heart bypass operation in his early 40s neither Grandmothers helped support the family emotionally or physically. I have had to accept that they will never be the Grandmothers that my children deserve, they know that their Grandmothers aren't normal as friends' Grandmothers are hands on. I remember participating in school assemblies and my parents not even turning up, that just sums up my Mother's selfishness. I've had to draw a line under the situation and just enjoy my own children and feel sorry for the Grandmothers missing out on these wonderful children. You reap what you sow and when the children grow into adults, which mine nearly have, they won't get the benefit of years of shared events spent with the Grandchildren. When my Daughter passed her driving test my Mother's first thought was, she can take me food shopping! I have plenty of older friends not blessed with children who gladly embrace the role of "Special Aunt or Uncle" who gladly give up their time to attend performances or send best wishes when the children have done well or give them support when they haven't succeeded. I would continue to invite them to performances just so that you take the high morale ground but just don't let their behaviour spoil your joy in our Daughter's performance. Good luck to your Daughter.

[Witchend]

On the fence here.

My dc do a lot of performing. Pil come over sometimes (2 hours away). My dp have come to see them a couple of times. They're 6 hours away.
The thing is though, if they come during a production then they see very little of any of us because we're dashing around.
Plus they're always in loads. I think between the dc last year we had 12 different productions. Dp saw 2. One because they happened to be visiting at that time, and the other because it was touring and near them. That's unusual, I think the previous time they'd seen them was 3 years ago, and that was pretty much the first time they'd come since dd1 had first performed 9 years previously.

Now dsis lives near them and if her dc are sneezing backstage they'll go. But firstly, it's about twice a year. 2. 30 minutes away and 3. I know if we were that close they would do the same. It's not a lack of interest.

[cosytoaster]

They are being mean. My mum died before my kids started school, not one of their remaining three grandparents have ever been to anything they've been in (they don't do amdram but both had good/lead parts in primary school etc.), most other kids had grandparents/assorted relatives turn up for everything. Hope it goes well for your DD.

[anjpink]

No I think its disgusting they wont go, if my grandaughter is doing anything at school , gymnastics , rainbows , i am there watching her cheering her on no matter what, ive taken days off work to see her do her things and same as my grandson i wouldnt miss their things for the world... Dont ask again my ML never bothered with my kids My DS hasnt seen her for 6 years and my DD hasnt for 7 months she lives 15 mins away... You reap what you sow
You are not being unreasonable at all, however you will be there and thats all that counts .. i hope she becomes the next Kate Winslet best of luck to her

[Bumpsadaisie]

They sound horrible (sorry, OP, I know they're your parents!). What grandparent only goes to things that THEY are interested in?! Or gets in a strop if a grandchild gives us something they are interested in?

Granted my parents live nearby but they have been to practically every assembly, concert, nativity and god knows what else my kids have done. Whatever activity my DCs have shown an interest in, they have supported in terms of doing pick ups from time time and helping us financially (e.g. with kit/instruments).

I also know they had strong feelings that my eldest should start learning an instrument but they kept this very much to themselves until I and she felt she was ready.

[mrsrhodgilbert]

My parents are just the same op, you have my sympathy. They have no relationship with their granddaughters, their attempts to control things when the girls were little caused terrible upset and they can go for years without speaking to us.

I don't have an answer, I'm still muddling through it myself. But yanbu.

[TooMuchOfEverything]

I say oh it's fine because I really want them to come because they want to support and be proud of DD

I totally get this ^

BUT your DD doesn't need to know their motivation. If you go back to them and say 'DD was really disappointed you aren't coming, all her friends in the company have lots of supporters and I think she feels a bit unsupported. I was wondering if you could have a rethink, I'm happy to pick you up and take you home on x or y night. She has worked so hard it would be great for her proud grandparents to see.'

ALSO - could her sibling(s) rustle up a few friends to come and be in the audience for her?