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AIBU?

AIBU to sometimes wish my DS was 'normal'?

97 replies

MooMoo12345 · 05/02/2016 16:50

Name change.

I just want to make things crystal clear. My DS is perfect, he has great character, a wonderful smile and can lighten up anyone's day. I actually wouldn't change him for the world - I'd change the world for him though... He has Down's Syndrome (he's 7) and life is really tough, not for me and not for him really (because he isn't that aware, but he will be later) all the children, which I can deal with, after all, they are just kids! Tend to point and go "ewww, Mummy/Daddy, why does he look like that!?" and I will happily say "he's most certainly not 'ewww', but he has a condition called Down's Syndrome" and then the parents will be like "yes, aren't you lucky you don't have that, sweetie, wouldn't it be utterly dreadful" and I appreciate it may not be said in a horrible way, but all I can do is protect my son the best I can from the world and sometimes I get really upset and sometimes wish he was 'normal', but for his sake and I get that's harsh, but one day, I'll die and there will be no one to protect him :(

OP posts:

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Msqueen33 · 05/02/2016 17:46

My 6 and 3 year old have autism. It's hard. Very hard. Big hugs. The world is full of stupid morons!

Owllady · 05/02/2016 17:51

I agree re children being curious but yes, adults should no better. I hate that you are treated likr public property and people ask you such personal things they would not dream of asking someone else!

Owllady · 05/02/2016 17:52

Know better. Goodness me :o

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/02/2016 18:01

I'm really surprised in this day and age that children would say things like that but even more so that parents would.

Of course you wouldn't want to change your DS's personality. I can understand why you worry about the future. None of us knows what it holds however from what I've read there's no reason that your DS shouldn't lead a full and active life.

twinkletoedelephant · 05/02/2016 18:02

My brother has severe LD we got all sorts of shit from adults and children growing up ;-)

All 3 of my children have problems asd or ADHD. They struggle every day if I could make them 'normal' I would do it in a heartbeat I spent all my childhood birthday wishes wanting the same for my brother.

The worst most frequent comment I get is that its such a shame I don't have a 'normal' child out of the three of them...

My brother has non specific LD my mum always said it was because of a difficult birth, to me know it looks like ASD. My dad only found out recently he was adopted and his biological family is full of people with varing degrees of autism.

If I had known would I have had my children? Thankfully its a question I will never have to answer.

wheelofapps · 05/02/2016 18:04

I hear you, MooMoo

It's not so much wanting our children to be different from who they are,

but it is CERTAINLY wanting 'The World' to be different.

2boysnamedR · 05/02/2016 18:05

Yanbu - and your not alone. It's not easy.

herethereandeverywhere · 05/02/2016 18:12

Wow, breathtakingly rude and very hurtful. You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure your son is gorgeous. My cousin's son has DS and I have a huge soft spot for him; gentle, sensitive, and such character. He's in his 20s now and has achieved so much.

It's always tricky to explain 'differences' to children, especially when on the spot but there is no excuse for that.

When DD asks awkward questions about eg: the man with dwarfism or the man who verbal tics loudly all along the high street, I always talk in terms of differences. We all have something that is different about us. Sometimes we can see it and sometimes we can't. Sometimes it makes life trickier in certain ways, sometimes it doesn't. I try to avoid framing it as something being 'wrong' with them. I think if I just said he/she has X it wouldn't really make sense to her.

I have no idea if I'm getting it right and I'd appreciate advice from parents of kids with SN as to what they think is appropriate.

Keep on keeping on OP.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/02/2016 18:14

I get what you mean.

People can be utter cunts who wouldn't want to change that.

BertieBotts · 05/02/2016 18:17

WTF, how rude of them!! And not at all helpful to their DC either.

AbuHamsta · 05/02/2016 18:36

I'm astonished that any adult could say something so crass and insensitive. My daughter, who's 2, has DS, and we only ever get "awww, she's so gorgeous!"-type comments, possibly because she's still at a very cute age. I would never want to change her - she's fun, funny, bright and, frankly, delicious - but I worry about how the world will treat her when she's older. I also feel bad that things that come so easily to typical children, like crawling and walking, are such an effort for her. But, of course, the feeling when she finally manages something after weeks of trying is all the more amazing. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

Jw35 · 05/02/2016 18:46

Yanbu and it must be hard

Crazypetlady · 05/02/2016 18:51

There is nothing wrong with how you feel o.p.
I can't comprehend people with negative attitudes towards people with down syndrome/sn etc. From the teens especially when I was in school there was a lovely girl she had downs syndrome and not one person was horrid to her, I used to play badminton with her she always won! She was truly an amazing person and we all loved her. There are plenty of people that will be willing to protect your son once you are gone o.p.

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 05/02/2016 18:55

My DS has severe LD, epilepsy and autism ... To name a few. He uses a wheelchair.
In a John Lewis cafe. My other 2 DC say down I'm in queue with DS in wheelchair ... He's having a total meltdown ... Woman behind me tells me to move up ... Say can't because DS kicks ... She was angry DS kicked the guy in front ... I apologised ... He had heard the conversation. Woman in front then goes crazy ... Putting fingers in her ears ... Asked could I shut that up!!!! That meaning my gorgeous son!!! I said no would you like to try. She expressed a slapped arse might help and she had come in for a quiet lunch and he was ruining it... Is he like this all the time ???
No I said only when around shallow, poisonous, vile human beings... Being able to sniff them out is his superpower!!!
The cafe applauded me!
I really wanted to tell her to fuck off but it was JOHN LEWIS

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/02/2016 18:58

OMG people are so tactless. I'm afraid well meaning or not I would want to tell them off if they said that about being lucky not to have DS in front of my child.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/02/2016 19:03

I see the older kids from dD''s school going round local supermarket and feel totally nervous I will hear people saying offensive stuff about them because they are very vocal and stand out.

PufflesMC · 05/02/2016 19:04

DS has AML and although it isn't the same, I do hate when they go "so, what type of cancer is it?" "how high is his chance of survival" right in front of my 9 year old, it isn't nice, it isn't as bad, at all, so I can't even imagine how you feel!!

DonnaMoss · 05/02/2016 19:05

I had a woman tell me that my dd would walk if I was firmer with her. Apparently I am a "namby pamby " sort of parent. There was me thinking dd's non existent leg muscles were to blame.

People are vile Op.

StiickEmUp · 05/02/2016 19:07

I am crying at the OP.

Sirzy · 05/02/2016 19:08

It's a shame people can't think before they open their mouths!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/02/2016 19:09

A man once said in front of my DD that it was "a shame she was "like that" because she's a pretty girl". And repeated it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/02/2016 19:09

I mean he said it to me in front of DD

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ouryve · 05/02/2016 19:16

Of course, YANBU.

And YWNBU to wish that people weren't such tactless, rude arseholes, because I certainly do.

The boys both have ASD and DS2 has had an horrible lick rash on his chin, recently. DH said he took him to the supermarket, the other weekend, and people were moving away from him as he jumped and shouted out seemingly random names in his typical indistinct manner (he's not been talking at all for very long, so those random words are marvellous, to us, even if a little deafening at times). He's nearly 10 now and, the older he gets, the more he stands out and the more strongly people react to him, as he's getting a bit to big to be automatically seen as cute.

lazyarse123 · 05/02/2016 19:23

People are such knobs sometimes, all the best to you and your son and to everybody who has a child who is not so-called normal.

ouryve · 05/02/2016 19:25

herethereandeverywhere your replies are perfect and pretty much what I say to DS1 if he asks questions.

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