to not go back to work after a miscarriage despite being 'physically well' (possibly triggering)

[SharyBobbins]

I can't help but feel guilty for being off work despite having a medical miscarriage on Friday. My bosses have been brilliant, I have a sick note from the hospital should I need it but I feel so guilty as I'm physically well. I had heavy bleeding/clotting/cramping on Friday but since then I've not had any bleeding or pain. The hospital have said it's possible that my miscarriage was completed in the one day (it was a missed miscarriage and by this point scans/internal exams were showing that I probably wasn't far off miscarrying naturally). However I'm just not in the right head space to concentrate on my job and partake in the usual office chatter (none of my colleagues know why I'm off and I plan on keeping it that way). AIBU to take a few more days to get my head straight?

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

so sorry for your loss OP.

Fwiw, I took 2 weeks off after my mc and probably could have done with longer, even though I was OK physically after a week or so. It absolutely knocked me for six. Even when I went back I was all over the place for a while (eg I remember bursting into tears because I had forgotten my security pass, which was a total non-issue. I am not usually prone to crying.).

Do be kind to yourself.

[girlinblack]

You have a sick note, you should use it!

I took half a day off sick when I had my first miscarriage (it happened at night, but I couldn't get a scan until the following morning), and my boss sacked me. I was at the very end of the 3 months probation period, so despite 2 meetings with her telling me how happy she was with my work the previous weeks, she "let me go" because of that. I guess it was more the risk of me being pregnant again, but it was still a shitty thing to do. She did employ someone after me, so the role still very much existed!

Anyway, she legally had to give me a week notice which I insisted on working - to prove I wasn't physically unable to do my job. It probably helped me to take my mind of the death of my baby, even if loosing a baby and a job in the same week was one of the darkest time I had.

My rambling point was that if you need the time off, take it. If you need to go back to work to forget about things, do it. Only you can know how you cope best with this horrible situation.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Take the time you need. I didn't have any time off during my MC, even though my boss knew what was going on. Even rang me asking if I could cover someone else on my day off. It was horrible, didn't have time to work through it emotionally, caused arguments between me and my partner as we couldn't work through it together, and was overall worse than it should have been (and of course, it's already pretty damn awful). You need time to heal both physically and mentally - you can't do that with inane office chatter going on around you. Sorry for your loss

[jusdepamplemousse]

I went back to work immediately after a miscarriage after taking one day off to have surgery. I was physically fine - just a bit crampy and bleeding obviously.

BUT it was a stupid decision, I wasn't emotionally well at all. I got no thanks for my efforts either - I work in a stressful industry and it's just expected that we tough these things (everything) out - and I now realise that not only did I hurt myself by not taking some space and time, but in my small way I've contributed to a totally stupid work culture where that kind of expectation is seen as acceptable, when it isn't.

FWIW the consultant who looked after me told me to take at least 2 weeks and seemed to think that was absolutely standard as a minimum.

Look after yourself. Take the time and get your head right, absolutely don't feel guilty. Put you first.

Sorry for your loss.

[Tftpoo]

I had an MMC and had an erpc. Physically I was fine the day after the op - mentally that was the worst day. Between finding out I'd miscarried and having the op there was something to focus on each day, scans, appointments, the op itself - not nice things, but things to get up, get dressed and leave the house for. The day after the op was the hardest day, suddenly there was nothing to focus on and nothing left of my baby - it took me four weeks before I felt ready to go back to work. Don't feel bad about taking time off, your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health.

[SharyBobbins]

Thank you all for your advice and for sharing your own experiences. I'm so sorry for your losses too
The only person putting pressure on me to go back to work is myself so I think I need to work on that and stop being so hard on myself . I do think work/routine will be a good distraction for me but just not yet xx

[BUNMUM]

So sorry this has happened. Take as long as you need. As others have said...be kind to yourself. It took me a few weeks to recover.
Take care lovely. I wish you well x

[sandythesquirrel]

I have been through this. I didn't have any bleeding, there was just no heartbeat at the 12 week scan. I had to have an operation.

Of course you are not being unreasonable - you should take a 2-3 weeks off. You have to go through a grieving process.

[NameChange1815]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went straight back into work the next day (natural management) because that was what was right tk

[NameChange1815]

Sorry
..went straight back because that was what was right for me, I'd have gone mad at home with nothing to do but think.

But that was just what was right for me. Lots of other people need a proper convalescence and recovery period, and if that's what you need then you should give yourself permission to take that time.

[girlinblack]

I don't think our distinctions between "physical wellness" and "mental wellness" are very helpful.

that's very true. I only had contractions for about a week, and bleeding for about 2, but it took a lot longer to come back from the grey I was feeling. Take the time you need

[Wombat87]

Hello lovely. Just a nice positive note.sort of. I suffered a missed miscarriage at 9weeks. Which naturally started off at 10+2 weeks which was last Saturday. I worked from home Tuesday to Friday as I was cramping and bleeding heavily. I was tearful and not in a good place. Having the work to do was sufficient in keeping it all from the front of my mind on the 4 days I worked and gave me some sort of normality. I came back in today and whilst I'm still not right, I feel much better.

Would you be able to work from home at all? I know it's hard to 'get back to normal' and you won't be for a while, but it might help ease you in a bit. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to go in and sit at your desk or whatever you do. I didn't want to come in today. But I think in hindsight now I'm here, I'm better being here. Don't rush yourself.

If you can't work from home but do want to go back, ask if you can go back Thursday to give yourself some time.

[kellybee90]

A colleague of mine miscarried a week before you. She was signed off initially for one week, and has now been signed off for a second week.

Every single person in the office who knows her situation is encouraging her to take as much time off as she needs because it's a horrible situation.

It doesn't matter that she is physically well - she is not "well" and should not be at work. She should be at home with her boyfriend and her family. We are incredibly short staffed but we will cover for her because her wellbeing is more important.

I am fairly certain you're colleagues will feel the same about you. They will pick up any work that needs doing because your wellbeing is the most important thing right now.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[SharyBobbins]

Thank you again everyone xx

Wombat I'm sorry to hear you're going through a miscarriage too. I'm going to go back to work before the end of the week. I think I need a few more days to build myself up 'emotionally' but after that I'm hoping work will provide a distraction. Thanks for sharing your story with me

[OutWithTheDogs]

Maybe going back on a Friday is an idea then it's only one day until the weekend. I'm actually surprised people take so long off. I really welcomed going back to work and I was touched at how supportive everyone was. I think I would have felt a lot worse staying at home. I preferred to be busy and with other people rather than at home mostly on my own. The thought of being off work when I was physically well would not sit right with me although I completely understand that for other people it's entirely the right thing to do.
I guess a lot depends on your collegues, your type of work and even your commute. I was fortunate to have understanding colleagues.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Take the time you need, it's not just about physical recovery but about mental and emotional recovery as well.

[HelloSunshine11]

Really sorry you're going through this. I had an mmc in late December at 9 weeks but I didn't know for a fortnight - I had a bad scan in early January and it all started naturally the next day. I went back after three days (technically a week as I work part time) and I felt ready to be with people but I didn't get much done for a few weeks. Now I'm ready to drop and aching for some time off but don't feel like I can because I've been back. I think i tried to be normal too soon tbh and now a month later it's biting me on the arse. All I can say is be kind to yourself, it's such a shitty time x

[omri]

Some people need to go back to work quickly as a distraction.
Personally I needed to hide away from the world. Took 2 weeks off even though I was physically fine. But I needed that time to myself and was in a much better state going back to work and the world after my 2 weeks of tea and cake and movies and pottering around shops etc.

Sorry for your loss

[MAsMum]

Don't feel bad. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I had 4 m/cs. I found the first and the third the hardest ones to process. You need time to get your head around it. I found myself replaying all the things I did just before it to see if I could have done something differently. It takes a couple of days for you to realise that unfortunately there wasn't anything you could have done to stop it happening but that it doesn't need to define you or any subsequent pregnancies.

Sending you big hugs.