Found out a casual gentleman friend has a wife, wwyd

[Neaogeen]

Someone I see regularly and have a good time with, has started unloading emotionally.

I said last night that he had a wife, I kind of thought he did have, but didn't want to know. I pretty much told him I don't want to hear it and its none of my business.

However I'm feeling pretty guilty this morning.

I know I'm not doing anything wrong, and he is as he's the married one but not sure I could meet up with him again and that upsets me :(

Ways really?

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

I believe you more than 'suspected' before. After a few weeks you must have known he was at least in another relationship, if not married - you cannot be with someone for 9 months and be totally ignorant to their life apart from the time you spend together. Now you 'know for sure' and think it's going to be hard dumping him? Put yourself in his wife's shoes - how bloody hard would/will it be for her finding out her husband has been off with another woman and quite likely losing her serious relationship, not the fling you're having?

Now you know for sure, it's over. Otherwise you will forever be 'the other woman' that's not a title you want in life.

[specialsubject]

you didn't know before, that's not your fault. Now you do, so if you continue the shagging and whatever else you would indeed be partly to blame.

Do the obvious with this new information. Dump and never see again.

[AuntieStella]

"I kind of thought he did have, but didn't want to know. I pretty much told him I don't want to hear it and its none of my business."

I kind of get that. If you don't "know" then it's not your fault. Avoiding the question is a bit iffy though, especially once you've 'kind of' realised anyhow.

But now you grasped the nettle, of course you feel guilty. Relative levels of wrongdoing aren't the key thing here. Yes of course he is the only one who has betrayed his marriage.

But if you sleep with him again, you are an active party to his betrayal, and you no longer have the fig leaf 'I didn't know' to let you lie to yourself that your action is morally neutral.

And of course. You also have to process the active knowledge of just how much he can cheat and lie.

Is that what you really want to settle for?

[witsender]

He lied, that's enough of a deal breaker. And having any kind of relationship with someone you know is in a relationship/married is wrong IMO.

[Peevedquitter]

You would feel 'a bit in the wrong' you really need to recalibrate your moral barometer as that's a lot in the wrong.

I did work with someone who this happened to but she dumped him immediately and I felt nothing but sorrow for this poor woman.

Your 'casual gentleman friend' is nothing but a cad and you will most definitely be a scarlet woman if you continue.

[SlightlyJaded]

Look. Any break up is hard after 8/9 months. But you don't have an option. You diced with a situation that you suspected was not as he presented. You were not completely oblivious by your own admission.

There are two entirely separate things going on here.

1. Breaking up a relationship that you were enjoying = hard.
   
2. Ending a relationship that could potentially destroy a home and marriage (not to mention your self respect) = no brainer.
   

The two are at odds which is why it's hard, but you say you have a moral compass so there really is nothing to debate. Come back here to have a little cry about how much you miss him because that is completely understandable, but don't throw your morals out of the window for a bit of lust. The damage you could cause cannot be measured.

[Sallyingforth]

You suspected he had a wife but you carried on with an affair. No sympathy from me.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Nea it is hard and at the same time easy. Hard to tell him to fuck off, but easy to know its the absolute right thing to do for you. Believe me it will only get harder.

Wish my 19 yr old immature, naive and selfish self had known that nearly 30 years ago. End it while you still have your dignity and self esteem in tact.

[19lottie82]

"Casual Gentleman Friend" oh my sides!

[PeppermintPasty]

Odd thread. You know exactly what you should do but you don't want to do it, so you come on here and ask the question when you know what MN's collective answer will be.

[MamaLazarou]

What would I do? I would stop seeing him and stay away from married men in future.

[RubbleBubble00]

"I said last night that he had a wife, I kind of thought he did have, but didn't want to know. I pretty much told him I don't want to hear it and its none of my business."

You sound as charming as him, you deserve each other and wife needs to be rid of both of you.

[Fizrim]

Has he lied to the OP, she said

I kind of thought he did have, but didn't want to know. I pretty much told him I don't want to hear it and its none of my business.

so the OP knew she was doing something wrong all the time! But of course it's all different with her ...

[QuiteLikely5]

Do you like being second best? Do you like to be kept as a thing to stick his dick in? Do you like being a secret and a dirty one at that?

Lying to you for nine months? Tell his wife

[londonrach]

Forgot to add op as he has lied to you and his wife you dont know if he has lied to a third person..... Get yourself checked for sti.

[SmellyFartado]

By continuing to see/sleep with him, you are doing something wrong as you are condoning his behaviour and adultery.

Dump/block/tell him to go fuck himself/etc and then find yourself a better partner and relationship based on honesty and respect.

[whatsoever]

He is more responsible as he is the married one but if you carry on seeing him knowing he has a wife, you are not blameless. Wave bye bye, put it down to experience etc

[RubyRoseViolet]

If you genuinely didn't know he had a wife/partner then he is a lying, cheating git and you will be much better off without him. You know this. If you had an idea that he was in a relationship (how can it not come up in 9 mths) you've been silly to ignore your suspicions but now you do know you have to move on or risk causing more hurt to yourself and his wife.

[MrsAmaretto]

He has lied to you. Why would you be friends and trust him?

[NerrSnerr]

Block and ignore. Why would you want anything to do with someone who would fuck around behind his wife's back?

[londonrach]

Op you with a man who has lied to you and lied to his wife and you asking what to do. Step back op and view this situation as if a friend was asking you wwyd.

[ProfGrammaticus]

You've been turning a blind eye to it for a while, by the sound of it.

Move on. Block him. No good can come of this.

[GruntledOne]

He's been lying to you for 9 months, FFS. Surely there's no debate here?

And you wouldn't be "a bit in the wrong" if you slept with him again. You would be completely, 100% in the wrong.

[vestandknickers]

Walk away.