My DD 20 came out as trans - I am desperate to feel happy but feel so sad.

[rosieposey]

I have never ever posted in AIBU but i really dont want this to disappear into chat incase that it ever helps someone else in my position ( as i think that chat is for 30 days only ) so i am posting here for traffic really as i feel so lost.

I've been trying to articulate into words the things that i want to say. i have been a member on here since 2008 always had this user name and this is probably the first time that i have really asked for help.

My DD came out as gay when she was 16 ( 4 years ago ) we were a little shocked ( i dont know why ) but i have 5 children and we are a close knit family and were so supportive of her because like all parents we just wanted her to be happy. She has had a couple of gf's and we have been pretty laid back in terms of the dynamics of my family ( 3 dd's 18, 20,23 and two DS's 3 and 6 ) and been really positive about it all.

She told me just before Christmas that she was depressed and felt really anxious, i was really surprised at this because i had always thought that she was pretty sorted mentally.

I reassured her that whatever what bothering her and whatever she needed to talk about i would be here for her however her older sister came to me in tears 4 days ago and said that she had something to tell me about her sister and it was pretty life changing. She told me that her sister wanted to not be female anymore and that she wanted to begin to transition into a man. Anyway i had a long chat with DD2 and she said that the reason for her anxiety and depression was that she had been struggling for two or three years with the fact that she wasnt happy in her body and that she had though about suicide a couple of times because she didnt think that we would be able to accept it. I have to tell the truth here and i am very ashamed but i did say to her once not long after she came out that i could cope with her being gay but i didnt know how i would be able to cope if she wanted to change gender ( in my ignorance )

In all honesty when i was told this all i could do was be thankful and relieved about that she had told me and it was a huge weight off her shoulders , i said i would be with her/him every step of the way and that there was nothing to be afraid of as she/he would have the full backing of her family and i mean every word of it.

This is a selfish thread as its all about me and how much i am struggling with this. She/he asked me to give them their new male name ... how do i do that? I have cried in private for days and nights about this because i dont actually want to - i love her name, i love the beautiful baby girl that i raised for 20 years and i am going to miss her so much. I know that in essence she/he will be the same person i know that and i know that i am very lucky as apparently my recent reading material tells me that one in every two transgender people attempt suicide - i hope and pray that is never my child.

I suppose i need to see it all written down so that i can come to terms with it and accept it. I am committed to going to the gender clinic and all of the appointments. He told me that he has some great you tube videos to show me about transitioning but really can i be honest? Its only been three days, i am struggling so much with fear. I am scared that she will be beaten up by men who think she is a tiny or abnormal male ( she is 5.2 with tiny hands ) when she takes hormones she will grow hair and get an adams apple and a deep voice not to mention the surgery that she wants - i want her to be treated like a man for her sake but i am scared for her.

I am scared that my ds's will get bullied as they are only 3 and 7 and kids are so cruel. I honestly dont know where to start in telling my 7 year old that his sister in two weeks will want to become known as his brother ... can anyone who has been through this recommend a book or a help line ... anything to hep us please?

I wont bang on about how upset i am because when all is said and done her/his happiness is all that is important, i just wish i knew where to start because this is going to happen to us as a family and it is going to be life changing and that is fine i just wish i had some help dealing with it. Please be kind, its hard to describe that you are in pieces whilst at the same time feel pride and admiration for that person but not for yourself.

[AgathaF]

I have no experience of this and nothing useful to add, apart from I think you are being so brave and accepting, and in a very quick timeframe too.

Someone said upthread about having to grieve for the dd you are 'losing', and I think that must be right. Perhaps a grief counsellor could help you with this?

Ipsos mentioned about your child having a male friend or mentor to help with the transition and learn how to become male from. This strikes me as a great idea.

Finally, you say that your child wants you to pick his new male name. Perhaps he could choose 5 or 6 that he likes, and then you make the final choice, or vice versa? Maybe it's something the whole family could be involved in, to help your younger ones realise what is happening and feel involved in too?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Ahh rosie I can appreciate you must have so many thoughts and feelings - and questions - about this. Mainly just because I have a DD (and a DS)

This will probably come across as quite a stark thing to say - especially in our society here it's really not talked about enough - but I think you are wise to be aware of the dreadful suicide risk, already high in young people, and much higher for those who have issues around their sexuality and gender identity. I only say this because in our family we lost a young person this way - my DNephew. It has been absolutely devastating for us all.

I just think if you see everything else in the context of this it may give you that important perspective. Your DC is trying to find a way through life, a way to keep going. They are going to need all the support you can give them.

As you mentioned how to help your 7 yr old particularly I just thought maybe just give them the new name your DC chooses and don't worry too much about the her/him language - I'm sure it will take time for everyone to get used to any changes.

Just wanted to give the perspective that your DC are still all here (I hope that's the case and you haven't suffered any losses) Hold on to that and act accordingly. So much love and luck to you all x

[senua]

Be kind to yourself: this is all new and you need time to adjust. Remind DD/DS of this too: they have had months/years of thinking about this and mulling it over. They can't expect you to be - overnight - on the same page.
One day at a time.

[Nomoregrief]

However, you feel about this privately, you need to completely supportive in front of your DD. As PPs have said, talk about your feelings elsewhere, but focus on being positive for her - she will really need your help and a place to run to when it all gets too difficult. More than ever she will need a loving, protective parent.
The young only the see the 'now' - what they need today. We see the long term problems; acceptance/life long-discrimination from others/finding a partner/ whether children are still an option/the impact on the rest of the family and a thousand other things.
One of my DC came out about their sexuality about 18 months ago. I sat there watching the chance of GC almost certainly disappear, seeing all the pain and problems they would face due to prejudice. Privately, I went through a period of grief for loss of the future I thought they/we would have.

[rosieposey]

Some really lovely and helpful replies thank all so much. Juggling i am so sorry for your loss - i am utterly terrified that He will be unable to cope with what life will inevitably throw at him.

He is the quiet one, quite insular and an utterly gorgeous person. I was watching him playing with his younger brother ( the 3 year old ) last night and thought how all our lives are about to change.

He wants to change jobs soon because he wants to start actually 'passing' to be honest perhaps that is for the best. We only moved here 4 months ago and dont know that many people so we can sort of start afresh iyswim? I would rather that he was just taken for a boy from now on because it will make him happy and i hate how judgy society is.

He has researched this all throughly, for years infact and appears to be in possession of all of the facts. He was undergoing therapy for depression so is going to the GP this week to ask to be referred to the Gender Clinic so that the process can begin as he knows he has alot of therapy ahead before he can start the hormones. He has told me that right now he wants to get on and start living the way he has always wanted to so the name change thing and the whole He/She thing will be happening very shortly. He wants to take hormones and have 'top' surgery.

I did explain as 'she' was very immersed in the lesbian community that she may well lose quite a few of her friends which she knows about ( a couple have already fallen by the wayside ) and that dating would be even harder now as less than one percent of the population is Gender dysmorphic, she seems to think after making friends with a few trans people through gay pride ect that it shouldnt be a problem and lots of people within her community date trans people - in all honesty i dont know but i hope so.

My DH is really sad - he has been her stepdad for 10 years and loves all of our children equally. He is being super supportive like me and i think that she/he knows that we are in pain over this, no one really likes change do they and that is all it is i suppose, thank god she was able to tell us in the end because i refuse to say it is like a bereavement. There are real people out there and on these boards who really have lost a child and i dont honestly think i could go on if that had been the case.

She/he was run over by a car when he was three years old. I remember saying to God, please please dont let her die and as i picked up her tiny body from under that car i said if you will just let me bring her home, i wont care if she is disabled or unable to talk or feed herself or anything i would just be so grateful if i could take her home. I told her about that on Sat night and that is how i feel about all of this, sad but so grateful. I would be lying if i didnt say i would rather avoid what is coming but i would do anything to make my children happy and feel secure and quite frankly i will be grateful that he/she is here in any gender. Please dont think for one moment i wont support her every step of the way because i absolutely will.

As someone advised above, i think DH and i are going to play it cool with DS 7 - DS 3 will never question it and it is all he will ever know. We thought that we would just explain that DD has changed her name and then start referring to her as him and he and that DS would naturally ask questions following on from that and we will be honest with him. He did ask about 6 months ago if she was a boy and we just laughed and said no of course not - perhaps he is more intuative than we give him credit for.

I am so very grateful for mumsnet and being able to write all of this down - sorry it is so long - and i am extremely grateful for all of your advice.

[RivieraKid]

I used to be a patient at the Fulham GIC - is it okay to PM you, OP?

[rosieposey]

Oh yes of course it is - any advice or help gratefully received!

[DryIce]

I have no helpful advice, I'm sorry. But I just wanted to comment that you sound like a lovely mum!

[rosieposey]

Im trying to be, i am crying right now and have done so every day when DD goes to work then when i pick him up i put my brave face on, he/she is so sweet, they know this hurts which is why i think they have asked me to come to all the sessions ect, perhaps it will ease us both into it.

Someone tell me that all of this will be second nature three years from now!?

[scatteroflight]

OP your feelings are perfectly natural.

Please check out this site, start with the FAQ...
www.transgendertrend.com/

While your DD may genuinely be trans, there's also a good chance that she could be suffering from any number of other issues - dysmorphia, depression, low self esteem. In my view it is a mistake as a parent to go gung ho and support a confused, immature young person to embark on am irreversible life change. Calm support without encouragement is better.

There is a whole industry out there based on convincing people that transgenderism cannot be questioned (as any Google search shows) so your task is to be impartial so that your daughter can make her way back if needed in future.

[rosieposey]

I would like to be but she is so set on this and tells me it is the root of her depression.

I too am scared that she cant come back from this once embarked upon but i have to say that she is 20 years old so the age i was when i had her elder sister, i would say that i knew what i wanted by then.

If i remain impartial she will think she is on her own and that we are not supporting her. I do not want to give her a new name, i do not want to go to the therapy and gender clinics with her because all i really want is for her to just stay my lovely girl but HE doesnt want to so i accept that and that he knows his own mind and we move forward from that point.

In supporting him i am prepared to arm myself with as much knowledge about this as possible and i am not going to lose my child either through depression or because he thinks that his family dont support him.

I have a pink ride on train for my DS - i bought my DS a pram and peppa pig - we dont give a shit about gender as a family its just that i have had a girl for 20 years and now i am going to have a boy, its fine its just going to take some getting used to.

[sianihedgehog]

OP you sound like a wonderful, loving mum. I've not really got much specific advice for you, but I think you're absolutely doing the right thing to confront and address all your fears. And it's so good to see someone resolving to do the right thing for their trans child - I've also seen some really nasty transphobia on mumsnet.

I'd just like to offer you some reassurance about your child's wellbeing and future happiness, too. I'm cisgender myself, but I have a number of close friends who are trans, and they're happy, strong people with lots of friends, and supportive long term relationships. I know all the stats about violence and suicide can be terrifying, but just by being the loving supportive parent you are, you can protect against a lot of unhappiness. And it sounds like your child has access to supportive peers and dating opportunities. Stats can be scary, but your child is an individual, and has every chance to be very happy.

[Micropachycephalosaurus]

Hi Rosey,

my sister is trans. Came out as trans at about 25. A difficult decade began for our parents - my sister lived at home and worked at the same company as they did. At home she would go as 'she' and her new name, but at work remained 'he' and old name - was not 'out' at work. So my parents were constantly switching around how they referred to her! DSis was having counselling and it wasn't going well - her counsellor was a dick an old fashioned conservative who thought that if she didn't have long hair and wear dresses and date men, then clearly she couldn't possibly be female. After much too long a time she moved to a new counsellor, came out in public, and started passing as female. At age 40, so 15 years after first coming out as trans, she had surgery and was able to get documents in her new name and gender.

But those hard transition years were nothing against the preceding decade, which was characterised by suicide attempts, anorexia, life-threatening self-harming, drug using, depression, manic phases, a number of admissions to mental health hospitals, flunked education, flunked jobs, ...

You're understandably thinking about the impact of your child's transitioning on your other children. And I won't say it's easy. And yet - if your child really is trans - it is probably easier than the alternative.

Using different pronouns and a new name is quite a challenge, and now that I know quite a number of trans and genderqueer people, I can say I find it harder when I have known a person for a long time under a different pronoun/name, but also when a person has a physical appearance that is very clearly not in accordance with what we expect from people of their gender.
But allow yourself adjustment time, learning time. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up. I know it meant a huge, massive deal to her that I consistently called her 'she', and so I gave my very best - but still I slipped up sometimes. As time passed it did get easier, because I started thinking of her as my sister (rather than my brother-turned-sister).

Regarding dating and such, my sister has over the years had very good relationships with all sorts of people. Some genderqueer, some trans, some cis; some straight, some gay, some undecided - but all of them extraordinarily nice people who judge a person by who they are, rather than by what they have between their legs. I think that's an excellent quality in a person. Her trans-ness has meant that she only got to date nice people.... so to say.
She is now happily married by the way.

Regarding young children, my own children have only ever known my sister as their auntie, but my eldest does notice that auntie is a bit different. And has met a number of other people who don't fit nicely into the gender binary. They take it in their strides. We have been careful from early on how we talk about things, e.g. when DS was adamant that he would grow up and be a mummy, we had all sorts of conversations. For example, that most boys grow up to be men, and most girls grow up to be women. Or that nobody can tell them who they can and can't be. We explained that he would never be able to have a baby grow in his tummy, as he didn't have the right kind of tummy, but that being a mummy is so much more than growing a baby in your tummy. Also lots of talking about e.g. 'colours are for everyone' and just fighting against the notion that anyone should be able to limit your options due to you being a boy or being a girl.

As to your older children, my own experience as a sibling of a trans person was that the thing I found most difficult was that when I grew up, I thought I had a brother. But as it turned out, my sister always did feel she was a girl, and struggled with 'being a boy'. So in effect I had a sister in disguise, but didn't know that. So I had experiences growing up such as my 'brother' being allowed things such as crazy hitch-hiking trips and wild camping by himself, which I wasn't allowed due to it 'being to dangerous'. My 'brother' was extremely bullied at school due to desiring to have long hair, I was of course never bullied for having long hair. These are things I now find very hard to talk about - it doesn't make sense without knowing all the back story. So people who just know that I have a sister, how can I talk to them about my sibling being bullied for having long hair? I experienced growing up with a brother but it turns out I didn't, actually. That's a bit weird. I grew up with a sibling who was seen and treated as a boy (positively and negatively) but who all the while didn't feel they were a boy.
Perhaps the difficult thing is that it kind of feels like my memories, my experiences feel invalidated. Things weren't what I thought they were. Maybe that's a bit like discovering at age 18 that you've been adopted. It IS hard. So I wouldn't be surprised if your other older children struggle with this. They may be angry, or choose to have some distance for a while. I think it is important to accept THEIR feelings as valid, too.
But again, that has become easier over time, and my own struggle with this is nothing compared to my sister's struggles.

As to comparing it with a bereavement: Well I think it is a 'loss' albeit not a death. My younger sister did indeed die - so my parents were all too familiar with 'losing a child'. And I knew what it can mean to 'lose a sibling' (although I was still little when it happened). It's different when your child/your sibling transitions. What you lose is an imagined future, not the person. I think it may be a bit similar to the feeling of loss when you are told that you are infertile. People are told to give themselves time to grieve the future they won't have, e.g. before making big decisions for example adoption. Unfortunately you don't get the luxury of time - your child is there, right now, and needs you. Needs you to embrace the new future. Because of course, whilst losing the old future, you gain a new future - a future which in my case entailed having a sister!
However it takes a while to wrap your head around that new future. And the fact that you have acquired a new future doesn't change the fact that you have lost the previous imagined future. So given that you don't have 'time to grieve before you move on', you will have probably have to do both in parallel. But don't forget that it is a hard thing you are doing, grieving and embracing a new thing all at the same time, and being there for your other children with their various needs too. So please, go easy on yourself!

I'm sorry if this is all a bit too much right now. You're only three days in! It's been 15 years for me so a lot easier to see from a bit of a distance. Thinking of you - you sound like a great mum.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Op I can't add any advice really but did want to say you sound like a wonderful mum

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Rosie that is so moving what you wrote about the RTA when your DC was little, and your thoughts and prayers just afterwards - I remember thinking just like that when my DNephew was in ITU but tragically we lost him.

It's so difficult to know how to talk about our loss - not wanting to upset you more at a difficult time, but just wanting to say you are wise to think of your DC's well-being. I think it's important to realise that it's hard for them too - Everyone can need support but the person it's all happening to most of all.

With my DNephew there weren't gender issues, but sexuality - and acceptance of this from family and friends - could have been a factor I guess. We just don't know.

[alliheararetantrums]

All I can say is that she needs (and seems to have) a protective emotional cushion around her of people who are prepared to support whichever identity she chooses. And I think that the more you do that, and the more those around her do that (although I understand you can't control how other people react) the more likely it is that she will not want to move so fast to completely transition into a man.

Acceptance is, above all, the one thing that everybody needs, male and female.

So even if you are privately extremely upset about this (which you have every right to be,) unabashedly and repeatedly confirming your support, and the more people you can get to do this the better, will help slow down her thought processes a bit, make her feel safe, and the increased communication from here on should make all of you feel better.

[Italiangreyhound]

JugglingFromHereToThere I am so sorry for the loss to your family.

rosieposey your words about the car accident were so moving. I am so glad your dd survived that and in some small way you are better prepared now because you know what it was like to almost lose her.

Re i refuse to say it is like a bereavement. There are real people out there and on these boards who really have lost a child and i dont honestly think i could go on if that had been the case.

I have not experienced this but I also don't see it as a bereavement, because the person is still there, to be loved and to love you. This is just my personal view and to me this is a very big, and for me would feel quite terribly hard thing , but it is not like losing your child.

Micropachycephalosauru your post is really lovely and moving. My husband and I had fertility issues after our dd was born and a lot of treatment, some with donor eggs, before we adopted our son. I would exactly say it was a grief but not a bereavement and has turned out totally brilliantly for us. I know it is not the same as your or the OP's situation but I think thinking of it as a grief and a loss but not a bereavement is better, closer to what it really is.

[Italiangreyhound]

I totally agree with scatteroflight re Calm support without encouragement is better.

I think destroying or throwing away her 'female' clothes or any items or making a big statement about a change might make your dd feel there is no way back, I think it is best to be as general as possible, make it clear there is room for change on either side and if she ever felt this was not for ever or not for her you would be accepting, no gloating or I told you so, (I know you would not anyway!) but just to remind her, it is just how it is!

I don't think you need to remain ' impartial', you can be alongside her. It's not the same as encouraging her to do things. You can support a person, and love and compliment and encouraging them as a person, without necessarily moving ahead of them or encouraging them in a certain action.

[Italiangreyhound]

Once again I seem to write too much for one post but just noticed this, Re She/he asked me to give them their new male name ... how do i do that?

I wonder if a neutral name would work. Or a name which when shortened could be neutral.

I loved the name Sam for Samuel and think it would be ideal, strong, manly (!) but also potential feminine.

Can you find some other choices similar?

I agree with AgathaF re ...choose 5 or 6 that he likes, and then you make the final choice, or vice versa?

Try then out at home and see how they sound.

It would give your child the chance to try a new name and also to see how people react to it.

Also names come and go and change, current popular names are being used on young babies and you children, children your dd's age have different names, my generation (50) the same and then older. So a name to some extent needs to fit in with the age of the person.

Some traditional names, some biblical names, they sort of stay in every generation. Or if you don't like Biblical ones, something more funky and neutral? Or something really a bit unusual that can be a name butis totally neutral.

I will pm you as this feels very personal!

[Italiangreyhound]

In your shoes I would avoid any family names.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Thanks for kind thoughts and words Italiangreyhound x

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

And yours too Rosie x

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Whilst this must be really difficult for you, it is worth trying to put your mind into just how he has been feeling. Feeling that something is wrong with you, in every single area of your life, is a horrible way to feel. And whilst transitioning isn't a magical cure for all of that, it is very much the beginning.

I disagree massively with those saying not to encourage him. From what you've said, he has been educating himself for years surrounding how he feels, and now is in a place where he is confident enough to begin being honest, and that is beyond difficult.

If you do not feel able to pick a new name for him, help him to do so - if he has said he wants to change his name now, it means he wants to get rid of his dead name. Getting used to new pronouns is difficult, but is just about practice. If you make a mistake, don't make a fuss, just apologise once and correct yourself.

Being trans, genderqueer and genderfluid is getting easier as it's being spoken about more. There are some great trans activists on facebook and twitter that are worth following to give you a bit of insight.

You haven't lost your child - they have just altered somewhat. Everything about them is the same. They will just be happier.

[silvermantela]

OP, not sure if anybody else has said this, I know you posted here for traffic but there is also a LGBT children (and one for parents) section on MN - it's under 'being a parent' on the main index. Just because a lot of people block aibu, so you may find people with more experience there.

You sound lovely btw x

[billyokey]

I don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to tell you that you sound like the most loving and understanding mum and your DD is lucky to have you. Please don't beat yourself up about whatever you are feeling in private, you need to let yourself have all these thoughts and feelings in order to process this huge shock and find the best way to move forward for your DD