My DD 20 came out as trans - I am desperate to feel happy but feel so sad.

[rosieposey]

I have never ever posted in AIBU but i really dont want this to disappear into chat incase that it ever helps someone else in my position ( as i think that chat is for 30 days only ) so i am posting here for traffic really as i feel so lost.

I've been trying to articulate into words the things that i want to say. i have been a member on here since 2008 always had this user name and this is probably the first time that i have really asked for help.

My DD came out as gay when she was 16 ( 4 years ago ) we were a little shocked ( i dont know why ) but i have 5 children and we are a close knit family and were so supportive of her because like all parents we just wanted her to be happy. She has had a couple of gf's and we have been pretty laid back in terms of the dynamics of my family ( 3 dd's 18, 20,23 and two DS's 3 and 6 ) and been really positive about it all.

She told me just before Christmas that she was depressed and felt really anxious, i was really surprised at this because i had always thought that she was pretty sorted mentally.

I reassured her that whatever what bothering her and whatever she needed to talk about i would be here for her however her older sister came to me in tears 4 days ago and said that she had something to tell me about her sister and it was pretty life changing. She told me that her sister wanted to not be female anymore and that she wanted to begin to transition into a man. Anyway i had a long chat with DD2 and she said that the reason for her anxiety and depression was that she had been struggling for two or three years with the fact that she wasnt happy in her body and that she had though about suicide a couple of times because she didnt think that we would be able to accept it. I have to tell the truth here and i am very ashamed but i did say to her once not long after she came out that i could cope with her being gay but i didnt know how i would be able to cope if she wanted to change gender ( in my ignorance )

In all honesty when i was told this all i could do was be thankful and relieved about that she had told me and it was a huge weight off her shoulders , i said i would be with her/him every step of the way and that there was nothing to be afraid of as she/he would have the full backing of her family and i mean every word of it.

This is a selfish thread as its all about me and how much i am struggling with this. She/he asked me to give them their new male name ... how do i do that? I have cried in private for days and nights about this because i dont actually want to - i love her name, i love the beautiful baby girl that i raised for 20 years and i am going to miss her so much. I know that in essence she/he will be the same person i know that and i know that i am very lucky as apparently my recent reading material tells me that one in every two transgender people attempt suicide - i hope and pray that is never my child.

I suppose i need to see it all written down so that i can come to terms with it and accept it. I am committed to going to the gender clinic and all of the appointments. He told me that he has some great you tube videos to show me about transitioning but really can i be honest? Its only been three days, i am struggling so much with fear. I am scared that she will be beaten up by men who think she is a tiny or abnormal male ( she is 5.2 with tiny hands ) when she takes hormones she will grow hair and get an adams apple and a deep voice not to mention the surgery that she wants - i want her to be treated like a man for her sake but i am scared for her.

I am scared that my ds's will get bullied as they are only 3 and 7 and kids are so cruel. I honestly dont know where to start in telling my 7 year old that his sister in two weeks will want to become known as his brother ... can anyone who has been through this recommend a book or a help line ... anything to hep us please?

I wont bang on about how upset i am because when all is said and done her/his happiness is all that is important, i just wish i knew where to start because this is going to happen to us as a family and it is going to be life changing and that is fine i just wish i had some help dealing with it. Please be kind, its hard to describe that you are in pieces whilst at the same time feel pride and admiration for that person but not for yourself.

[CreepingDogFart]

No experience or knowledge of this situation but I think you are allowed to feel sad and I also think you are a lovely mum.

[MamaLazarou]

I don't have any experience or wisdom to impart but I just wanted to say, give yourself plenty of time to process the news and get used to the idea. You sound like a brilliant mum and your DC are very lucky to have you xx

[Susannah51]

My 17 year old has just done something similar. Your post helps me xx

[RockinHippy]

This bothers me too & I remembered it this morning, so wanted to come back & comment, so maybe something else for you to think about...

I don't want to be unkind to your DD who you obviously feel is very fragile right now, but your DD asking that YOU choose a name for her male self, makes me feel uncomfortable. This may be the wrong thing to say, but I'm sorry, this smacks of narcism or perhaps even punishing you to me. I find it a bit too confrontational, demanding of your attention & forcing your approval of the gender change & it just isn't anything I have heard of before. It leaves me wondering your DDs perceived place in the family dynamics & an opportunity to grab the limelight. (& I apologise if I'm wrong, but in my experience it just doesn't feel right)

As I said in my earlier reply, I have known several trans gender people over the years, including a few I was close to at the time & they all either had a name they were drawn to, a persona they perceived went with that name & they aspired to be, (this was mostly m-f trans) ironically most went with the same name. The F-m trans I have known have mostly gone with a masculinised version of their female name, a NN type name that sounds like a boys name. I haven't known any that insist their mother rechristen them, that's odd & TBH, IMHO, a bit cruel. They all knew exactly who they wanted to be & what name they would choose, it was something they had dreamed of most, if not all of their lives

(Thank you italian )

[Alternatereality]

AgeingArtemis,
Hate to see you in such pain. I wonder if this website may help you:
thirdwaytrans.com/2015/12/18/social-justice-and-gender-therapy/#comments

Not necessarily this particular post (although I do think it is good), but there is a commenter named "juniper" that is very gender nonconforming that has learned to be comfortable with herself.

ThirdWayTrans, the blogger, may also be of help. He is very thoughtful and informative. I wish you luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

AgeingArtemis I do hope someone will come along and answer your questions. Can I also say that sometimes it can be hard to get new replies to your question on an existing thread because new posters may well just see the subject of the thread and the original post.

You can post your own thread and questions in any section and if you post in Chat I believe it disappears after 30 days.

Good luck, thinking of you.

I think the issues explored in this thread are so common now so there are at least a lot of people who have experienced these things and so many people with wise words. RockinHippy and Jacks just gotta say very good advice, I think.

rosieposey how are you and dd doing?

[jacks11]

I agree that your feelings are entirely understandable, it's a shock and also you are worried about your daughter's mental health in general. It is hard and I don't think being worried, upset and confused makes you anything but human.

I think your daughter will realise this is tough for you too. I don't think it is entirely realistic to expect that you will not let your daughter see so much as a hint of your feelings of confusion/loss, so I wouldn't say that you must put a mask on pretending it's all "wonderful", but of course you should be loving an supportive. And it sounds like you are both of those things.

I would second alternatereality though- your DD has a long way to go in terms of working through her feelings. She should seek referral to specialist services (gender clinic), if she has not already done so. It is not as simple as talking to some transgender people, researching on the internet and then watching some youtube videos and that's it. Your DD will need formal assessment before any hormonal/ surgery is considered- which will include treating any depression/anxiety/other mental health problems as well as addressing her feelings relating to gender identity. Obviously she can identify and dress as male, asked to be addressed as male etc at any time.

[RockinHippy]

As others have said, your feelings are as valid as your daughters & you need proper support in this too, I wish I knew where to point you too, but any info I had would be out of date, but I'm sure others will help with links etc.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that your daughter has only felt this way after a few years. In my experience that just doesn't sound right for someone so unhappy in their current gender. I have known several transgender people over the years & everyone of them has said that they that felt they were in the wrong body from a young age. They didn't all show it, but they did feel it, even if secretly to themselves until they were old enough to make decisions for themselves. Because of this I also wonder if this is not something else, the body dysphoria mentioned above, or even that her change of sexuality hasn't fulfilled her in the way that she expected, do she now looks for something else to fill that void she obviously feels.

This is something that will be picked up on by any clinic or doctors she sees by way of starting on the transgender journey. So don't worry too much just yet, perhaps this is why you feel so uncomfortable with the situation, your mothers instinct sees more than you realise. Perhaps have an honest chat with her, explain that it's the speed at which she is moving that you feel shaken by & you worry that she's rushing into such a huge life change, perhaps ask if she could slow down a little & give you all a bit of time to come to terms with it as a family, but that you support her to be her/himself whatever that will be, you just want to be sure for her sake that she isn't just looking for ways to fix her unhappiness.

If I am wrong & she really does need to change to he, then it might not be as bad as you think. I knew a Greek guy, who started his life off as "daddies little princess" though by 10 he was very much a Tom boy. this was 25 years ago. He was 5ft tall, a Lordy driver & everyone just accepted him as a guy, his family & wider community included, nobody was beating him up for it.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight & help going forward, I feel for you, I can't imagine what you are going through & I'm as easy going as they come with this sort of thing, it's all normal to me, but I would really struggle with this too. Not because of the wanted move to transgender, but it just seems, too much, to fast when she has grown up neither feeling, nor showing any signs of gender unhappiness

Good luck

[AgeingArtemis]

OP, I'm sorry if I unintentionally derailed your thread.

You sound like a fabulous mother, and I know how difficult it can be sometimes. There's a quote from Ivan Coyote that made me cry the first time I heard it because it's very true to me and my mother, and I think it may be true for you and your DC too. It's from a video called "Dear younger self"

"Your mother is worried that no one will like you. Or hire you. Or even love you. If you look like that.
She does not want you to fear who you truly are, she just worries, because she fears what the world might do to you. And because she doesn't know any successful tattooed butch storytellers. Yet."

Having heard my own mother crying in the bathroom because she worries about me, I know how hard it can be for parents to accept. But as a parent in these situations, your job is actually quite simple, just love them fiercely and the rest will sort itself out.

[AgeingArtemis]

I'm early twenties so yes, pretty young but by internet trans standards practically elderly

Would any women who consider themselves butch or gender rejecting be willing to talk to me?
I reject gender roles, and I refuse to fall neatly into the trans narrative. But I have some some thoughts and feelings that I don't think most young women ask themselves.

[Italiangreyhound]

AgeingArtemis I am so sorry you feel alone.

Really I think I lot of people do at different points in their life.

I am not denying that transgender issues or concerns or identity is not totally real for some, I am sure it is/they are. But I feel a lot of people, especially young people, can feel confused about identity.

In the past this might have led to people becoming or being Goths, or punks or whatever, for a time and now can sometimes lead to a desire to change gender, or at least a feeling of the grass must be greener on the other side because it is shit coloured here! If you will excuse my French.

Can I ask how old you are (roughly)?

Can I ask why you feel you do not fit?

PM me if you would rather but if you share here others may be able to help.

[AgeingArtemis]

Italian greyhound I really liked that video.

I think in some ways, for some people, it can actually be easier to declare themselves transgender.
I don't know any masculine women personally. And those visible tend to be butch lesbians, which is fine, but I'm not so I don't feel I "fit" there either. I've got plenty of friends, but nobody "like me", but I know that I could easily find a group of young trans people via the university LGBT society, in fact a quick look at my facebook friends list (which is quite long) shows 2 transmen but NO masculine women.
My tomboy friends from childhood have all "grown out of it".

Maybe I should start a club for gender-non conforming people, perhaps then I would feel less alone

[Italiangreyhound]

Alternatereality thank you for sharing, it sounds like you were very loving and listening and your dd navigated this period of her life very well.

I just wish so much society did not put so many expectation on what it means to be a woman or a man.

Bless you all.

[Alternatereality]

Italiangreyhound, there really wasn't a specific turning point, but a very long process. Initially she was very adamant she was my son. Wanted to get on hormones NOW. Eventually have her breasts removed. Wanted me to use male pronouns. Buy her male clothes. Get her hair cut short.

We told her we believed her pain and found a therapist to help her with some mental health issues. Got her the clothes and haircut she wanted. Kept telling her that we loved her no matter what. Told her in an emotion-free way that we were concerned about the risks of testosterone and surgeries. Didn't go into details, she had already looked into it and could see our concern.

The next stage was that she still felt like a male, but was OK not using any medical interventions to get there. Still tried to pass as a boy (and had some success). Thought that her future was as a male.

Then she moved on to an "I'm just human" status for quite a while. Still rejecting female, but not embracing male as tightly.

Eventually, after many, many months, she admitted that she was confused. Has apologized for "coming out" to us as transgender. Is happy. Comfortable. We are much closer now. Get along as well as any mom and a teenaged daughter can.

[LondonStill83]

Hi Rosie,

Where abouts in the country are you? Have some good places to recommend for you and your DS, but they are London centric.

[Italiangreyhound]

Alternatereality and BombadierFritz glad your daughter, and family member, respectively, are happy.

Totally agree about thinking learning how 'men' react to babies is a NOT a good idea. Because not all men react in the same way, now do all women either!

Alternatereality and BombadierFritz are either of you willing or able to say what the turning point was?

One area I do wonder about is that Testosterone can be quite harmful for women and I wonder if finding out the risks at all might make young women think twice about taking it.

rosieposey I am not posting this to upset you and I am not even sure if you should share it with your dd or not. I am not posting it offend anyone else, I know some will agree with it, some will not! But this is one woman's experience of not taking testosterone.

I just think there is another way to be non-conforming if that is what anyone wants to do.

[FuzzyDucker]

Nothing to add but I really have liked reading this thread, some emotional and heartening comments.

You sound like a fab mum Rosie x

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

Just a quick vote of confidence to say that there is such a thing as an attractive diminutive men- think Daniel Radcliffe for example!

Whatever she decides to do, you should be proud that she has been able to be open with you. Good parenting no matter what!

[BombadierFritz]

A family member has been talking about this recently. She has asd and is easily influenced by her peers, several of whom are trans and tell her she is too masculine to be female. I challenge her views on what gender means rather than just agreeing. I really disagree, for instance, with the poster who suggested having a man teach her how men approach babies. That is just acting out a cultural stereotype rather than any kind of innate male behaviour and i am sad to see it reinforced. My family member has also realised they are not transgender but non conformist female. Nothing wrong with not conforming.

[Want2bSupermum]

OP - The user I was thinking of last night is alternatereality! So happy they have posted here.

[Alternatereality]

I have a teenaged daughter (now 17) that announced she was actually my son last year. I understand how you feel. The emotions are overwhelming. You want to do what is best for your daughter, but feel like a bomb has gone off.

I found this website particularly helpful:4thwavenow.com/
This blog is run by a mother in the same situation and a lot of parents are congregating there. Trying to support each other.

You mention Youtube transition videos. Many parents have reported that immediately after binge watching these videos, their children have declared they are transgender. Some children seem especially vulnerable to this influence--those on the autistic spectrum, those that are depressed, anxious, have OCD, are socially awkward, are homosexual (with internalized homophobia), and/or just feel different from everyone else.

My daughter, after being convinced for most of last year that she was transgender, has let go of this. After working with a therapist on anxiety, depression, and past trauma, she is back to being my daughter again.
It took quite a long time, but she is much happier and comfortable with her body.

I wish you luck.

[rosieposey]

Mama i feel really happy hearing that and that it becomes second nature. Sorry i have not posted much this afternoon as i did want to say a few more things and add a bit more but i have been so tired today and busy tbh i havent had the time.

Thank you again all of you, each of your opinons and advice is greatly valued, to those who pm'ed me i will answer you tomorrow if thats ok as i dont have a laptop this evening and its a bit tiresome typing this on my phone.

[Mama1980]

I have no experience but I think your feelings are perfectly natural. All you can do is love and support and it sounds like that's exactly what you are doing.
If it is anyway reassuring I had a flat mate at uni who is transgender. He was always very open about it and never encountered any problems, other than us all annoying him by being a bit overprotective!
He's happily married with 2 children now.
I spoke to his mum once and she said for her it took about 2 years before she stopped calling him by his previous name and pronoun, but by the time we met she said it was as if nothing and ever been any different.

[Italiangreyhound]

Could I just clarify what I mean by ... I don't think you need to remain ' impartial', you can be alongside her. It's not the same as encouraging her to do things. You can support a person, and love and compliment and encouraging them as a person, without necessarily moving ahead of them or encouraging them in a certain action.

I think you can encourage someone by being their friend and supporter, without necessarily encouraging them to a particular action.

Like when my friend's marriage was on the rocks. I didn't think she was in danger staying with her husband and she was trying to work out what to do. I encouraged her as a friend but did not encourage her to leave him. She made that choice on her own and I feel very sure it was the right one. She has to decide for herself.

Although the Op's daughter thinks she wants testosterone and top surgery, she may not be ready yet, and hopefully counselling will help her know what is right for her. The OP doesn't need to encourage her to do any specific things IMHO but just to be there for her. But each to their own opinion, of course.

[billyokey]

I don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to tell you that you sound like the most loving and understanding mum and your DD is lucky to have you. Please don't beat yourself up about whatever you are feeling in private, you need to let yourself have all these thoughts and feelings in order to process this huge shock and find the best way to move forward for your DD