to think DP's timing was ill-advised?

[ohdearlord]

I have severe endometriosis (treatment is underway to put me into the menopause and the worst is probably over) and the pain is bordering on the unbearable today. But, DP is away with work abroad and it's DD's birthday tomorrow. I have a treatment plan for acute episodes - but I'd need to stay in which won't fly today.

Texting with DP. We use the 0-10 scale so he can quickly understand where I'm at as I tend to minimise verbally and he can't judge how bad things are.

We established it had been hovering between 7-8 today despite meds. At which point he blithely and insensitively states his thumbs hurt from texting so much because he hasn't got iMessage set up on the computer over there and needs to go. And then got rather irritated when I suggested it was possibly the definition of a 1st world problem, and he could just use his phone as a hot spot.

Am I hormonal and super-sensitive, or was that just dense on his part? Or both?

[ohdearlord]

No, we'd been texting for maybe 5 mins. And more or less as a direct response.

[AyeAmarok]

yes, it was that it came as the response to my saying the pain was between 7-8. At another point in the conversation I wouldn't have cared.

Ah, I didn't realise it was in response to your statement, I thought it was just within the same (long) conversation, that after an hour or whatever had made his thumbs sore.

In that case, YANBU!

[ohdearlord]

I was definitely over-prescribed it as a teen/YA before they knew the diagnosis. Often IV. I would be in A&E over and over again in absolute agony and nobody knew what was wrong. We just ended up managing the pain - which had reached hideous levels by the time I was there - and then sending me home again.

[Yseulte]

That's the bugger with opiates, I became tolerant very quickly too.

[ohdearlord]

Thankfully I do have pain-free periods. And on this treatment last year I was "well" and pain free for about 8 months. I'll get there again once this latest round kicks in properly.

I have had oxynorm/oxycontin at home, and co-codamol 30/500. I become opiate tolerant very quickly though and we ended up on v.high doses with dreadful side effects. We decided once we found the GnRH treatment to limit stronger opiates to in-patient.

[Yseulte]

There's never a right time with a chronic pain condition, it never doesn't hurt.

Have they given you opiates other than when you're on the PCA machine?

[ohdearlord]

The exhaustion is deadening isn't it?

I do like TENS. But, possibly tmi, I get awful pain almost "inside" my vagina/around the labia. Nothing except being admitted and on the PCA or having the anaesthetist from the pain team come and give ketamine seems to touch that.

I've had too many epidurals now, and the last 3 didn't take so they've ruled that out as an option now.

[Greyponcho]

I have endo & totally empathise your pain, but it's not just pain you have to put up with its the exhaustion that goes along with it - pain is tiring and so is keeping a fake brave face on it all.
Your DPs comment was ridiculous.
He has an iPhone - why can't he use the text dictation function on it?? It's so simple!
On a side note, have you tried a TENS machine? Helps me a bit when meds are not enough meds are never enough .
From your other comments though, sounds like he needs to properly understand how this is hell for you although I'm seemingly too spineless to do this myself with my DP as he's continually clutching at straws (it's because you came off the pill. It's appendicitis. It's kidney stones. It's anything except endo)

[wafflerinchief]

yanbu - he was being obtuse. Very few people can sympathize with chronic pain - i'm sorry you're having such a lousy time

[ohdearlord]

Satsuki thank you - yes, it was that it came as the response to my saying the pain was between 7-8. At another point in the conversation I wouldn't have cared.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

Just to point out, the OP is talking about the timing of his complaint, she has nowhere said he isn't allowed to complain or have a minor annoyance.

[TheClacksAreDown]

He was being a bit of an idiot. I'm currently heavily pregnant and having back pain which is pretty sore at times although pain not near your levels. My Dh can occasionally be a little self centred on health/pain matters and whilst I was using a ball against the wall to massage a particularly sore spot whilst wincing he started whining his shoulders were a bit sore from the gym and that I didn't understand. My face was enough to get a swift retraction.

[Damselindestress]

YANBU. It was insensitive of him to moan about a minor issues like sore thumbs from texting when he knew you were in serious pain.

[Snowglobe1]

*both

[Snowglobe1]

As someone who has bother suffered from a chronic illness and had a partner with one, it can be hard to be supportive all the time. Sometimes you don't know what to say, or you have your own stuff going on that in the normal run of things you'd need support with. If he's generally a good partner, I'd let it go.

[ohdearlord]

I shouldn't think so Yseulte. Nor have I. Will go google.

[Hellochicken]

YABU I think he should be able to express that his thumb is sore in a minor way.
I don't know what hot spot/iMessage are.
I am sore you are having so much pain today and wish you the best with future treatment.

[Yseulte]

Has he ever read Hilary Mantel's account of endometriosis?

[ohdearlord]

DoJo very possibly. He is very much a helper - and very stereotypically does not cope well when there is nothing he can do.

He's also just very random though, especially when half his head is in algebraic topology (what ever the fuck that may be), and does say whatever has popped into his head.

More than likely it was just an ill-timed whinge that hit a sore nerve.

[DoJo]

Do you think it could be that he feels awful being away and unable to help, even just by getting you a drink and being there with you, so this is a clumsy way of trying to empathise? From what you've described he is not dismissive of your pain but does find it hard to know how to offer any practical or emotional help when you are feeling awful, so unless this has changed overnight, perhaps it was just a poorly thought-out attempt to demonstrate his sympathy from a distance.

[Catanddogmake6]

I don't know if yabu but I can only empathise as I would and do respond like you. I think it is very hard if you have never had chronic pain (acute pain is different) to understand. I can see the other side of the argument but in the midst of a pain episode it is very difficult to give it much weight. The other night in pain I was wishing they would invent a way of someone else feeling and comprehending your pain. Then realised it would be very dangerous - almost the perfect form of torture.

[ohdearlord]

I don't know how people with chronic pain actually cope. I at least know that this treatment works, and this WILL end. And if push comes to shove I can get myself to hospital and get out of the worst of it.

When this particular patch is over I will sit down and talk to him about what it's like in the middle of one of these episodes. He does maths for a living. I'll try and find some other scales/graphs of GnRH treatments etc.

[Yseulte]

Agree with shovetheholly that unless you've actually lived it, it's very difficult for normal people to understand what it's like to live with chronic, mindnumbing pain. They literally can't imagine it.

The friend who was the most sympathetic was actually someone who a great deal iller than I. He would have every right to say 'first world problems' to me, but he never did.

[Guitargirl]

Sore thumbs!?! Wtf?

I would have chucked the bloody phone at that point if I had been in a lot of pain and my DP said he had sore thumbs.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I've never typed "thumb" so much, either.