Mother not acknowledging my DC4 as I owed her money before I got pregnant with him!

[OldWomanWhoLivesInATinyShoe]

A few years back DH and I were in a dire financial situation, ie. homeless (won't go into details but it was definitely bad luck rather than poor decision making) so for the first time ever in my adult life, I had to ask my mother and stepfather for a loan. I had never asked for anything from any family member before this.

Mother agreed to help (small amount - think £3K) and the only reason I asked was due to the fact that I knew she had a large amount of savings that were not needed at that point.

Later on I tried to pay the money back but she told me to wait until we were more settled etc. Later on when we were settled, she told me that it was forgotten which I felt bad about as I hated feeling 'beholden' but we got on with life.

I then started feeling very broody, last chance fertility madness, and DH and I agreed to try for baby No 3 for a few months not expecting it to happen due to my age and that I would get over it! I got pregnant straight away.

I noticed that my mother was not really interested in my pregnancy and expressed dismay when I said I was having another DS , but whatever, she has a lot of grandchildren and we only saw her 2/3 times a year anyway, did not expect anything like childcare.

They visited after I gave birth and mother was not at all interested in holding him, same thing when we visited a few months later. She 'forgot' his 1st birthday and 2nd, (never forgot older DCs) missed his name off family Christmas cards, would deliberately say his name wrong, never asked after him in phone calls etc. We are NC now due to lots of reasons, this being one of them.

I was told later by another relative that she was angry that I had another child while still owing her money and she has spread this around the family. I do wonder sometimes if I was in the wrong despite her telling me that she didn't want the money back!

So WIBU?

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I wouldn't pay it back either.

When I have seldom borrowed money from parents ( only small amounts like £10) I always pay it back but now and again they say keep it and get yourself a bottle of wine. It would never accrue to me that they would mean something else.

I will do the same when DC are adults.

To purposely cut out a small child is down right nasty bullying behaviour and to be honest if this was an ex partner I suspect the reply on this thread would be different.

It's classic emotional abuse.

[fusionconfusion]

I agree with Magical.

If you're going to have immense disparities in the money you give the children you chose to have/play favourites, I really am not going to have sympathy for you wanting to take money back from the one you treated badly in the first place... and yet, who wants to be beholden to someone who uses money in this emotionally manipulative, unkind way? If you can pay it back, do.. for your own emotional freedom.

[IamTheWhoreofBabylon]

Can no one answer threads without massive projection of their own issues any more

[iminshock]

You owe her money.
Pay it back.
Don't listen to hearsay about what your mother does or doesn't think

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would ask her for her bank account details, and tell her you are paying her X amount a month, and have nothing more to do with her. Behaviour is disgraceful.

[Aeroflotgirl]

YY fusion so that you can cut her free and not be beholden to her.

[toomuchtooold]

The money's a red herring I think - she's just using it as something to complain about and if it wasn't that it would be something else.
Repay it if it will make you feel netter but OK wouldn't feel obliged to - if she wants it back she can surely ask you, rather than badmouthing you to the rest of the family?


Babylon Can no one answer threads without massive projection of their own issues any more

Well we're all answering based on our own experience aren't we? My mother is emotionally abusive and this sounds like something she'd do. On the other hand I know mothers who are normal and caring and I cannot imagine them loaning money, saying no OK keep it, and then going around badmouthing their kid to all and sundry (if it's simply a matter of needing the money back why didn't she being it up with her daughter?)

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

I think your mum's way out of line, in ignoring your ds. He never borrowed the money off her. Whatever goes on between adults you don't vent your anger at little babies and children

[Only1scoop]

I'd make sure you pay her back. Insist on it. Every penny of it.

She is out of line but it sounds like the whole family dynamic is a bit shot.

Pay her back. Then she can never use that as an excuse for her awful behaviour.

[londonrach]

Can you afford to pay her back now? I know shes not asked for it and you nc but id be tempted to send cheque for 3k so when she mentions to other family members you can say you paid her back. She is being unreasonable by the way!

[Katarzyna79]

Op i doubt her not accepting your child's existance is just due to money it's right to haveno contact.

But you said yourself your mum said pay it when you're settled she didn't say never at all. So that would lead me to believe she still wanted the repayment. You should have forced it on her give her no choice. Pay her back asap no matter what she says.

I guess evry family is different in our family its insulting to give mpney back even thousands unless the money was borrowed from a 3rd party.

[Katarzyna79]

I wouldnt borrow money from friends or family to avoid severing relationships. My uusband leant money via credit to his bil. Its was a small sum he was meant to pay it back in year interest free. But he went 1 yr beyond this and with interest accrrued up to thousands via interest.

Now hes planning huge holiday long haul flight with family of six not paying husband, this would cost way more than the loan and hes in well paid job.Husband said he needs money for business now but bil being arse said what kind hudiness r u gonna do just put ur money down drain. Hes just jealous but regardless he needs to pay back.

Husbandbeen careful only coz he doesnt want to sever ties with his sister but shes not helping matters siding with her husband to keep things cushy.she organised the loan from her brother on behalf of her husband he was too arrogant to ask.

If the money was not on credit but husbands he wouldnt he asking for it. I blame husband this is not the first time hes helped his sis and got into debt but i didnt care then i wasnt married to him. Now i am im not too pleased hes usually very sendie with money and a good saver better than me how he lets bil and sis suck him in i dont know

[Katarzyna79]

Sensible*

[G1veMeStrength]

I'd be wary of listening to what she has told other people. The other person could be fibbing/exaggerating/have misinterpreted/your mother could have been lying to them.

[Katarzyna79]

givemestrength good point i dont trust ppl who gossip either today its ur mum tomorrow theyll be yapping about you

[Leelu6]

Yikes, this is a difficult one. Why did you sister deserve £150k worth of help and you didn't, even when you were homeless?!

Part of me agrees that you should pay her just so she can never hold it over you again. But it must also be galling if your sister got so much help, and yet your mum is making such a big deal over £3k that she refused to take back from you when you offered it.

Why has your mum singled you out in this way? Is she scapegoating you because she can't/won't show frustration to your sister?