New here, lurked for ages. No DC, no DP (any more, after my most recent drunken outburst).
I've become aware that I will do anything and everything to try and ruin my life and I don't even do it consciously. Lately it's drink related but it hasn't always been; I just seem incapable of making sensible decisions.
I recently had a work night out and completely embarrassed myself (argument with a loved colleagues wife) and then proceeded to go back to the hotel room and kick aforementioned exDP out of the hotel room, leaving him to wait until early hours for a train home. I don't remember any of these things happening.
The normal thing to do, in the Christmas break, would have been to take some time to myself and relax and recoup and stop feeling awful. Instead, I've spent it in a vicious cycle of drunk, horrifically anxious hangover, drunk etc etc. Now I'm shitting myself about going back to work and having to face up to my behaviour.
I've posted in AIBU for traffic. I need someone to either shout some sense into me or offer kind words. I've got an appointment booked with a counsellor but it's not until the 11th. Just feel crap.
AIBU?
Why am I so utterly self destructive?
furryblanket · 03/01/2016 02:14
Hi again furry! So glad you have made such positive steps already, you really should be proud of yourself. Seems like you have good support around you and that is vital.
Acknowledge that there will be great days and there'll be shit ones too! like there are for all of us but for you a crap day may (not definitely), but may make you feel like you want a drink and if that happens acknowledge it. Tell yourself you dont need nor truly want it, don't be afraid of it and start to think your going to let yourself and those around down because that would be the beginning of the drink cycle again. Drinking perhaps is your emotional crutch, your coping strategy but actually its not coping nor forgetting abt negativity, it will only ever make you feel worse, as I said in my first post, you are in control furry.
I also reiterate something else from my first post and that was that you seemed like a good person and you are, those around you obviously think so too - start believing this yourself, be kind to yourself always.
Re work, perhaps it is a formality your boss has to go through with this upcoming meeting or maybe not as obvs don't know where you work. One thing I would suggest is if you could take another trusted colleague in with you, that way you have someone there "on your side" and it may give you a bit of reassurance, just a suggestion.
Remember furry, at some stage all of us have made idiots out of ourselves/done something we maybe aren't that proud of and that's OK, its just being human!
I wish you all the luck in the world as you move forward. As my mum who suffered horrendous pain for years from arthritis and who died very suddenly at 53 while I was pregnant with my ds2 used to say, no matter what happens just get up and go on, also my motto in life though it's not always easy . Keep going furry, you will without doubt get to where you want to be 
Four days is good, Furry 
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Could you try another four days again some time?
Maybe next time get a plan together in advance about nutrition and hydration, so you'll be able to tell yourself you have healthy alternatives when you feel you could use a drink?
In time, maybe you could incorporate cutting the drinking way back into a general upgrade of eating and self care, with alcohol consumption just one component of it?
Interesting about the father figure bit. Is there any chance you went out of your way to sabotage the relationship? Are you angry on some level with your father?
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