to think DP has totally missed the point about why I'm upset?

[Timeforanamechangey]

I am working away this Christmas, will be away for about a week. Not ages and ages but obvious will miss DP while I'm away.

Dp currently has 2 jobs, one regular and another that is part time, and organised so that he does the second job fairly sporadically whenever he has a day off from his regular job.

I asked DP if he would be around to take me to the airport on the day I leave, as I know he has a day off from his regular job on that day. He says no and that he has arranged to work at 'second job' on that day. I asked if it was possible for him to go in just a little later than normal (half day) and he got a bit funny with me, saying that he wasn't prepared to lose a day or half a day's wage just to take me to the airport.

My issues with this are:

He is already working so many hours over this Christmas period that I've hardly seen him for weeks and won't get to see him properly until the beginning of January

We aren't on the poverty line, in fact we don't really need the extra income from the second job (he mainly took it on for the experience factor) so losing the wage from that day isn't that important

He has a long commute to the second job so if he doesn't take me I will only get a brief goodbye as he rushes out the door.

The fact he can't take me to the airport isn't the issue, although I suspect he thinks that is why I'm upset, but rather the fact that I haven't seen him properly in weeks and he has arranged an extra day of work that he doesn't really need on a day he should have had off so we could spend some time together before I leave. Aibu to think he is missing the point and just doesn't get why I'm upset? Aibu for being upset at all?

[Dipankrispaneven]

Off the point, but if you have to work away regularly, isn't it a pain being unable to drive? I suspect if you live in a small rural town public transport isn't great. If the cost puts you off, won't it be offset by what you save on cabs?

[theycallmemellojello]

Sorry but driving you to the airport is not quality time! It's a bit of a waste of a day off IMO. It's always a faff. Just book some time off together later.

[lorelei9]

Time, not sure if that's directed at me but your previous post said "I'm just annoyed that he arranged it in the first place". That's what I'm saying is unsupportive, being annoyed that your partner arranged to do something he enjoys.

Anyway, I'm not sure you're listening to any of us either!

[Timeforanamechangey]

Ok, I've already said about three times that I'm not asking him to take time off of the day now that it's already arranged, it just would have been nice for him to be able to take me if he had the day off, like he did originally. I asked him if could doa half day instead, once, he said no, I didn't ask again.

But whatever, I cba to explain it again.

[lorelei9]

Being annoyed that he arranged it sounds unsupportive. Missing a whole day of something that's important to him just to drive you to the airport? Sounds
like YABU sorry.

[Timeforanamechangey]

Um, I never 'refused' to take time off, because he has never asked me to! He knows that it isn't optional for me, and like I said he doesn't see Christmas as a big deal anyway.

I also never asked him to drop work once I knew he'd arranged it. I'm just annoyed that he arranged it in the first place.

He is currently working 6/7 days a week. If he wants to do extra days in job two he does have the option of dropping days in job one so he can have some actual days off. But he doesn't.

I'm early/mid thirties but am still establishing my career as have had to do a lot of study (and still ongoing).

I don't really want to move towns yet as all the people I do know, albeit dp's friends, are here.

I can't afford to live on my own at the moment and I'm pretty sure dp would be massively upset if I wanted to.

I do want to learn to drive but the costs are putting me off at the moment.

[Funinthesun15]

You view his second job as an optional extra which you think he should drop when you want him to. You're not really being particularly supportive are you? If I was him I would be pretty angry that you could go off on work trips and refuse to take time off at particular times but expected him to drop his work for you.

I have to say, if a woman in your DPs position posted, her partner would be roasted alive and called needy and controlling. I think you're being out of order. But you may well be incompatible too.

^ I agree with this.

[BooyakaTurkeyisMassive]

I work on the days I have to and don't arrange to work extra days I don't need to.

Herein lies the problem. He does the second job because it's important to him, it's going to get him where he wants to go and out of a job where he is miserable. He will need to convince his employer he is enthusiastic and reliable.

You view his second job as an optional extra which you think he should drop when you want him to. You're not really being particularly supportive are you? If I was him I would be pretty angry that you could go off on work trips and refuse to take time off at particular times but expected him to drop his work for you.

I have to say, if a woman in your DPs position posted, her partner would be roasted alive and called needy and controlling. I think you're being out of order. But you may well be incompatible too.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - are you relatively young still? Are you in the early/mid-20s establishing careers stage? I really would consider moving to a location that suits you better and just date your DP rather than live with him. He's not at the 'settling down and considering someone else in my plans' stage of life. It might suit him to have you there when he gets home, but it doesn't suit you to live there. You would have a much more balanced life if you lived somewhere nearer to work/uni. Later on, when you are both at the stage to consider someone else in your career/life plans.

(If he's older and still doesn't want to factor someone else in, then he's not going to change, I wouldn't plan on living long term with a man like this unless you had a very good life without him, and men like this aren't great dads, they struggle to factor in several other people's needs into their career/social plans)

[lorelei9]

OP, is there a public transport issue - I know some places have non-existent public transport.

I'm in the unfortunate position that I mostly have to see my friends in Central London - about an hour commute for me. I don't have a car either, but there isn't a way to avoid it. My guess is that your office and study place aren't in the middle of nowhere so there might be social groups nearby? Worth looking into.

I also think that it sounds like you live in a place that doesn't suit but that can happen very easily of course.

[LeaLeander]

Learning to drive would give you a way to fill some empty time and it's a useful skill on many levels.

[MatildaTheCat]

I think it's very normal to expect to spend at least some if not most of your few free days together. You need to sit down with your diaries and pencil in dates for you to do this and include some days or weeks of holiday. He's acting like a single man.

I strongly suggest learning to drive to give you more independence and possibly moving to a town with more to offer you. You say he's a workaholic, that will never change so be careful about how you proceed if this is already making you unhappy.

[harshbuttrue1980]

So, its fine for you to go away for work for a whole week, but not for him to work for one day when you want a lift to the airport?? It sounds like you both put your careers first and, since you don't have children, there's nothing wrong with that. You sound overly needy. If you can't drive, learn! Then you can do more things on your own and, as another poster suggested, do things like meetup.com

[Shutthatdoor]

Decaff no, we hardly ever spend a whole day together because either I'm at work or he is, and when we do have days off together he is doing more work.

So it isn't his day off then it is your day off.

It isn't his fault that you are working away over Christmas. Couldn't he also say that you are putting work before him?

[DinosaursRoar]

so you spend very little time together, even though you live together. And in order to live together, you need to live in a town that doesn't suit you/your lifestyle right now, that if you were in the uni town/other nearer town, you would have a much better chance to turn those aquaintences into friends.

I would suggest that living together isn't the best thing for either of you right now. If you have to arrange a date to see each other (rather than just come home after a long day and have the other one there) then it might make your DP think about making effort to keep time for you.

How old are you OP?

[Timeforanamechangey]

Nearest town to me with 'stuff' is about an hour.

I don't drive a car.

I am currently studying as well as working so I know a few people through that but again they all live in the town local to the uni and I have to commute so I don't see them outside of classes.

[lorelei9]

It sounds as if you need to have a stop and think about what you want generally.

in terms of meeting people, how far is the nearest town and are there meetup groups etc you can join (from meetup.com)

I'm guessing if you work there, there's got to be some stuff nearby. I have had phases where it's been hard to meet people because they were all busy getting married and having kids so I do know that it takes time, effort and energy to meet people but you can end up with some good genuine friends so it is worth some effort.

[LeaLeander]

OP, what do you like to do? I can't seem to find enough hours in the day outside of work to accomplish everything I want to do, from writing an amateur book about films to gardening to refinishing flea market furniture to watching movies, catching up on reading, visiting estate sales, visiting museums etc. I'd like to do more volunteering than I presently do, take some self-improvement courses, do more yoga, etc. It's difficult for me to relate to anyone who has trouble filling her free time.

How far are you to areas with more resources? Is there transportation or do you operate a car? Is there a university or can you find some open online courses, etc. ?

[Timeforanamechangey]

Yes, partially it was to do with work.

I just don't know what else I can do to be less reliant on DP short of moving house but I know DP doesn't want to do that either.

[lorelei9]

OP, did you move for work?

you may need to sit down and talk about how you view the relationship, but just as a point of interest, I can't do relationships where the other person has nothing going in on their social life apart from a partner.

I think it's fine to live in a place where there's nothing to do if you are like me - irony, can stay home alone a lot and really enjoy it - but it sounds like it's not an ideal setting for you.

My concern from what you've said is that it might be a good relationship for both of you, but might go wrong if it's the only thing you have in your life.

Whether or not couples plan together, down to the details of consulting on calendars, is of course up to the individual but I wonder if you would feel happier in this relationship if you had an independent social life.

[Timeforanamechangey]

Decaff no, we hardly ever spend a whole day together because either I'm at work or he is, and when we do have days off together he is doing more work.

No, Hi, that isn't fair at all. I don't put my job first. I work on the days I have to and don't arrange to work extra days I don't need to. Working over Christmas is not a big deal to DP at all, up until a few years ago he didn't celebrate it at all.

I think Dinosaur has hit the nail on the head. I just want to feel like I'm an important part of his life that he has consideration for, like my feelings, thoughts, wants etc matter and are a part of his decision making.

I moved away from the area I used to live (not because of DP) so I don't have any contact with old friends.

I work in a very small team and don't really gel with any of my coworkers.

I have interests and hobbies outside of DP but a lot of them are solo activities - I joined a gym and they are all lovely but they all have their own families and things to do rather than hang out with me when I'm bored.

I live in a very small rural town and there is basically nothing to do in the way of clubs etc.

[DinosaursRoar]

Well, clearly the problem is:
Just annoyed that he doesn't seem to think of me in his decision making - it's not about the trip to the airport, or the holiday time, or any other 'thing', it's that he is living his life like he doesn't have a partner, but someone that's more like a flatmate he shags. He's arranging his life in a way that suits him with no reference to what would suit you both - fine if you are 'just' a girlfriend or a casual relationship, but after 2 years and living together, if he's thinking of you two being together long term, then he should be considering you in things like booking leave, arranging additional work on days when there might be something going on with you.

If you feel like you only get the scraps of his time when he's finished with all the other things that are far more important to him than you, then you aren't going to be happy in the relationship long term.

Why don't you know anyone in your area but he does? Have you not been living there long? Did you move to be where suited him? (again, being expected to fit in around his life, not him change his to suit you...)

If he doesn't think you are someone he should prioritise, then nothing you can say will change that - he might make an effort for a while, but if he doesn't want to, then it'll be a short term change. I would make it a New Year's resolution to build a life without him in your town - join clubs, courses, classes etc to meet new people. If you go out with his friends, see if you arrange to meet up with one of the friends' DP/W separately. If he isn't going to prioritise your happiness, then you need to arrange your life without needing him for company.

[Dipankrispaneven]

I really agree that you are too dependent on him for company. In the short term, use the holiday you have to take to go out to things that interest you, look into whether there are any courses or activity holidays you can go on, book yourself a few days somewhere where you can do things you like whether that's theatres, walking, mountain climbing or whatever. In the longer term, look at joining local groups or classes so you make friends that aren't work friends, try re-establishing contact with older friends.

[lorelei9]

OP "it means that when I take my holiday I'm just going to be sat at home with nothing to do because he'll be at work. "

this jumped out at me. You are way too dependent on one person for ...well, everything it sounds like. It makes perfect sense to me that he arranged to work on a day you are actually going away, it's not a day he could spent with you anyway. But on top of that, it really sounds like you have nothing to do outside of work.

if he wants to make work a priority, tbh I think he should be allowed to do that. It might make you two a bad match though.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

It's starting to sound like you want him around because you're bored when he's at work and you're at home.

Can't you find some hobbies or something to do when he's not around? It's a bit like you're relying on him to entertain you which puts him in a difficult position. Could you arrange to meet some work mates for dinner or drinks, or take up a hobby? It doesn't have to involve lots of money or going out - I sew or colour, and I've recently started to play a couple of video games in the evenings when DP is working.

I find it makes the time go by a lot faster and there isn't so much pressure to spend all my time with DP when he's home. He needs time to do what he wants (work, in your case) so you need to find things to do when he's busy without wanting him around all the time.