how can i distance myself from this mum at school who has latched on to me

[sparklesandglitterxx]

i hope I don't sound mean

dd (6) has been asking for ages if her friend could come and play so the other week I approached her mum to ask. her mum seemed really nice and asked if she could add me on fb so we could arrange something, so I agreed

so we arranged a day for her to come and play after school. then her mum asked if she could come too, as she wasn't comfortable letting her dd go and play at someones house she didn't really know ...I was a bit but thought fair enough, and said yes

well she came round last week after school with her dd and also her small baby. and while she was nice enough she wasn't really someone I had that much in common with. the conversations were hard as obvs the dcs just went off and played so I was just sat there making small talk. and I felt a bit imposed on as they ended up staying till 6, in the end I had to lie that I had stuff to do but was so awkward actually asking someone to leave

and now she keeps messaging me as if we are best mates, wanting to come round again with her dd and baby. THEN she messaged me, apropos of nothing, asking if I could lend her a tenner ...obvs I said no but felt bad

I feel bad as she is prob lonely but I have lots of friends already, and busy with work etc, and I just find the money request beyond odd

HELP

[manana21]

Good luck op that's a really kind thing to do, I hope she doesn't turn out to be a chancer and is just having a bit of a hard time.

[sparklesandglitterxx]

staying for hours on a first visit, insistent messaging, calling at odd times of day, revealing personal info. very early on, dominating the conversation, etc.

epona that's interesting, she did tell me some things that were a bit tmi. I am not easily shocked and can tell some right tales about my own life, but lets just say she revealed stuff about herself that personally I would only tell the most long term trusted mate or reveal on mn

having read all the posts though I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and have arranged another meet up, at a soft play centre with some other mums I know from school so at least she will meet some others. I will definitely suggest sure start to her as well.

[diddl]

If the girls got on well could you offer to take her daughter straight form school to yours?

I think that it's odd to ask a virtual stranger for money.

[Senpai]

So... she freeloaded dinner, then tried freeloading money?

I can see why she wouldn't have many friends.

If you want to keep up the friendship, I'd just meet in public places for play dates from now on.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She does clearly lack social boundaries, even so that op had to tell her to leave as she had things to do or she woukd stay longer! Then she messages op to ask to come round again, asking her to lend her money. That is a play date that would not be repeated. Whilst the lady may have issues, op does not have to be friends with her if she does not want. If she is lonely op coukd point her in the direction of Surestart or local mum and baby groups.

[BigChocFrenzy]

"Lending" will be "giving".

[Kennington]

OP you sound very kind.
She clearly has problems one way or another and lacks social graces. Maybe she just is lonely and doesn't understand that borrowing ten quid is odd. Just say no, but invite her to a couple of group activities or playgroup.

[3point14159265359]

If they ate at 4.30 I wonder if she was trying to hang on a bit so it didn't look like they ate and ran.

For an after school play date I usually plan on leaving around 5, so I can feed my own DC at home. If you'd have given us food at 4.30 I quite honestly wouldn't know what to do. (Well, I'd have declined the food, but if we somehow ate...)

Asking for money is odd though. If they were so hard up she needed a loan, how was she planning to repay? Unless it was a so I can get a cab/forgot my purse type situation maybe? Are you obviously more well off than her? (I've no idea about any of this, just thinking out loud really.)

[Polgara25]

Sounds like a chancer to me - be careful and don't lend her money!

You're definitely nicer than me.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I agree with the poster who said that someone who would rather walk over hot coals than ask to borrow money from a casual acquaintance is going to be very different socially from someone who would.. Never thought about it this way before, but they're right.

Ditto: staying for hours on a first visit, insistent messaging, calling at odd times of day, revealing personal info. very early on, dominating the conversation, etc.

(not saying she's done all these things, just giving examples off the top of my head of things which might ring these 'social difference' alarm bells with me)

I would find the money thing very off putting.

[thickgit]

Erm, she may have no one else to borrow from and may simply really need it. I dunno. . . I think I would lend her the money. I also wouldn't leave my 6 year old with anyone unless I knew them well.
Fair enough, you don't want her over again maybe as the conversation doesn't flow easily. Be prepared for an invite to hers as that's what I'd expect
I don't see the massive deal about the money. And why is a tenner odd? Fifty. . . No way. A fiver or a tenner. . . No probs :)

[Aeroflotgirl]

Or meet her outside for coffee, that way you can make excuses and depart.

[sparklesandglitterxx]

yeah they all ate tea at our house, they ate about 4.30 ish

I offered the mum tea too which she accepted (but didn't eat myself as I always eat later)

you know what, I never thought about the pnd aspect :( I have had it with all my 3 (still have it actually, well still on ADs) ...perhaps I ought to see her again, maybe invite a group round and include her so she can meet some others too (think someone suggested that)

thanks for the replies

[Aeroflotgirl]

My goodness she sounds very full on. I woukd be polite, keep my distance, and keep being busy. I woukd remove her from FB. It does not matter if she has SN or Mental Health issues, you don't have to do anything, you don't want to. I would give her a couple of details of any baby groups in the area.

[KeepOnMoving1]

I think she's the type to become increasingly suffocating till you have no choice but to completely cut the friendship out as she will just not get the hint. It didn't strike her at all that she stayed till 6 and then after meeting you only once to borrow money. It's too much too soon, and if this is how she is then you definitely should keep her at a distance.

[MrsLupo]

I thought you were being a bit mean tbh until the money thing, which is odd and out of order really. Wanting to come and check you out rather than leaving her dd with someone she doesn't really know is just normal where I come from, and staying til 6 not at all outlandish either - unless you stated an end time, how was she to know that wasn't what you had in mind? And presuming school ended 3.13/3.30ish, not an unreasonable amount of time to stay.

But the money is odd. I've been very, very hard up at times in the past and don't have a sense of taboo against borrowing money from family/good friends, but would never ask someone under these circumstances. She must either be incredibly desperate, in which case I think trying to work out how to distance yourself from her is a bit unkind, or is just bizarrely disinhibited. I would have thought which it is will become clear sooner rather than later. If the former, foodbank suggestions and signposting might be one thing you could do. And why not invite her dd to tea next time? Not knowing how you're going to put food on the table is a desperate state of affairs.

[LaurieLemons]

I would still be nice, arrange another play date but still keep your distance and definitely don't lend her money . You could arrange fairly late in the day or announce your busy and have x to do at x time but she can come a couple hours before or so. I wouldn't shun her completely.

[Polgara25]

When she stayed till six, did you feed her or her children?

Did she leave shortly after eating/her DD eating a meal or even a snack or sandwich?

[manana21]

i'm not convinced she's a chancer on the evidence so far though - there are reasons she may be genuinely hard up & have no-one like family to ask, I don't think the text is a bad idea because she crossed the line in asking, and now you're understandably concerned so she'll have to deal with her feelings if she's aghast you could mention CAB, food banks etc.

[diddl]

I don't think that her coming round with her daughter was too bad as it was the first time that they had played together out of school.

Does she live too far to have gone home & then collected?

Of course she could just not be good socially-the staying until 6 (although she may have thought that you got on well) & the asking for money.

[amarmai]

some people just chance it, as from the chancer's POV there's only something to be gained. Like some men ask everyone for a fuck. I wd ignore the fact that she asked and be polite in the passing. No guilt needed as she put you in that position. No pity either as opportunists are more aware than any of us where they can get 'help'. Hopefully your dd wont become too enmeshed with her dd as the apple falls close to the tree.

[listsandbudgets]

Do you think she ocould have mild PND op or just bet exhausted with a small baby and a six year old. I had the same and getting up for the school run was no joke after a long sleepless night.

She may just not be coping very well and after some company. Money thing is very odd though

[sparklesandglitterxx]

hesterton I am not sure about SEN, I would say not, as she comes across just "normal" hesitate to use that word as don't want to cause offence. and I am not trained or experienced in any way to know about sen and what it could look like

see that's what I mean stasie - it would take a LOT for me to even ask someone I know extremely well to borrow money. and it would have to be my mum or dad, I don't think I would want to ask any friends, even my oldest / best ones

and manana I know what it is like to be lonely as well, it sucks. esp when you have small children (she has a small baby and a 6 and 9 year old) ...when I first moved here I had no one.

Perhaps I should message her re food bank / cab, just sort of say, sorry couldn't lend you any cash but have you tried XXXXX ...obvs will word more sensitively

[Stasie]

Turn it round - without a detailed explanation and effusive apologies for even having to ask, and in an emergency situation probably - would you ever ask someone to lend you a tenner, when you had only met them a couple of times?

If not, then you can't really be close friends with this person. Your attitudes to money (and social interaction) are markedly divergent.

Polite but distant is the way to go, and change your number or block her and tell her you've changed it/got a different phone/ whatever it takes.

This is a situation where, as a non-usual liar I would be willing to tell a lie or two to remove myself from her.

[manana21]

yeah I can totally see what you mean and I don't think you're being mean - she doesn't have good boundaries if she's already willing to ask you for money, which is a worrying sign in a friend. I'm a bit of a putz - probably if you made it clear there was going to be no chance of a loan, I'd carry on inviting her to things where there were groups of people so she's not so lonely & could make other friends, but that's because I moved when I had DD1 and was lonely and it sucked.