To think it's ok to handle this awful news the way I am doing?

[toconclude]

Short story, recent really bad news terminal illness of elderly parent - prognosis of months. Had to tell work as I may need to dash off at very short notice for various things, which they are fine with from managers' point of view. Trouble is, certain colleagues have gathered this on the grapevine - we work remotely so haven't yet had individual conversations with all of them myself - some of whom I have found out are talking behind my back via IM about what a hard-ass bitch I am for not being found weeping in the toilets about this/apparently not wanting to spend every working moment with parent [who has been clear doesn't want me to spend it that way as they have their own life and friends]/still working usual hours, as they would be totally broken up by it, unable to come in, etc etc and implying I clearly don't care for or love said parent, or I'll have some of huge breakdown later if I don't do it the way they would.
But actually I'm like the parent in question about this - whose view about it is "shit, but I am going to carry on as normal and get on with stuff and not brood and sit around feeling sorry for myself", do sit on my feelings a lot anyway - state normal for me, survival tactic honed over a LOT of shitty things that have happened over 30-some years past. And what's wrong with that, isn't that valid as their and my choice and personality? Who made these indivs the feelings police? Ugh makes it all so much worse, people.

[TheVeryThing]

I would imagine that most people don't have the luxury of taking months off work to spend at the bedside of their ill parent (unless they have to provide full-time care) and your reactions sounds entirely normal to me.
I'm so sorry for the horrible situation you and your family are in. Ignore the gossip-mongers, who clearly don't have a clue.

[ElinoristhenewEnid]

I didn't fit into your colleagues box either. Have lost both parents - df very frail and I was on holiday when died unexpectedly - made decision to continue holiday knowing other family was around to make arrangements - holiday finished 3 days later. Life continued on - no real time off work although I work from home so just flexed hours a bit. When dm died after terminal illness carried on with life - took the 3 compassionate days offered and then back to work as normal.

Worst thing was people saying 'I know how you are feeling' - no you don't - everyone is different and for me both times was the feeling of immense relief.

[derxa]

Sorry to hear your bad news. My DF died this year and I was able to write and deliver a eulogy. I did what he would have wanted.
The weeping willies are more concerned with their loss and whether everyone sees how 'caring' they are. This is so true.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

for your incoming loss OP.

When DF, and later DM were approaching the end, I went on Seroxat so I could Get Stuff Done. Some of it was fending off the grief athletes who wanted to show how much they "cared" by carrying on at he bedside. Frankly, the best visitors are grandchildren, especially when DD(4) nearly killed Dad with laughter by farting thunderously as she kissed him.

[OnlyLovers]

I'm sorry to hear your news.

YANBU and they're utter cunts. I'd tell your manager. Apart from anything else, is endless gossip really a good use of your work IM system?

Handle it however you like.

[Damselindestress]

Sorry to hear your bad news. YANBU. Everyone copes differently, carrying on with your routine works for you and you're doing what your parent wants you to do. Your colleagues are being horrible, how dare they judge you and make an already difficult time worse?! Since they've put proof in writing, I'd show the IMs to HR or your manager.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I don't think it's anyone's place to decide there's one better way to deal with tragedy.

It depends so much on the individual, the circumstances etc.

I tend to be ok as things are happening, and very much need to carry on with work etc, and then I do need time afterwards. But I need that time whatever happens before, and it's irritating the way some people seem to think it was 'catching up with me' with the criticism that if I'd have behaved as they wanted at the beginning is somehow be able to skip the grieving process. It's a well worn meme, the idea of someone carrying on and then falling apart and the 'carrying on' being the person (the actor really) refusing to face it, or somehow being in denial. It's a very annoying meme!

As I've lost 2 of my close family now, in different but equally horrific ways, I do sadly know how tragedy and grief strike me.

Where as so many other people only have TV and film stories plus some tabloid hysteria thrown in. Which is probably going to make things harder for them as their own grief process might come in a different way from the Hollywood narrative devices.

There's a lot of self interest in others when they try and push their own assumptions into someone else's life. It's about them wanting to minimize, sanitize and control death. And their own fear and weakness motivates them to behave in disgusting and vile ways. Grrr. Low tolerance for this.

Another colleague had a different but still perfectly reasonable reaction to the death of her loved one where she really struggled as it was happening, and found it really hard to get through (though still wanted to work but less and flexibly), but afterwards, she found it much easier to cope, when the anticipation and the watching and waiting limbo had ended, and she came back to work 2 days after very composed and threw herself into work. Which is what she needed to do.

Doesn't make her strong, or callous, or in denial. Just like my experiences didn't make me stupid, or weak or in denial!

Both are fine. That's just the way it happened for us. And there will be your way and that might change or develop differently as it all happens too...

Your colleagues foul gossiping and bitching is the last thing you need right now. What is management like? Can you pass this on to them, saying that you don't want to have to deal with it, and won't be mentioning it again, however these people need to be told that their behavior is both unprofessional and vile, and their behavior and voices need closing down.

Would you be able to do that? Depends on the company I know, mine would be on it well if I could go via a manager, though if I had to go through HR directly it would make it worse as the person I'd have to deal with would glory in the drama herself.

[Strangertides1]

Am sorry you are going through this op. My own mother has terminal cancer, she could have a few months or 6 months. Personally I think there's nothing much to be done, you can stop the ill, all you really can do is help where and when you can and deal with the grieve as and when it happens. Let the gossips get on with it as the obviously have no idea what they are taking about.