Short story, recent really bad news terminal illness of elderly parent - prognosis of months. Had to tell work as I may need to dash off at very short notice for various things, which they are fine with from managers' point of view. Trouble is, certain colleagues have gathered this on the grapevine - we work remotely so haven't yet had individual conversations with all of them myself - some of whom I have found out are talking behind my back via IM about what a hard-ass bitch I am for not being found weeping in the toilets about this/apparently not wanting to spend every working moment with parent [who has been clear doesn't want me to spend it that way as they have their own life and friends]/still working usual hours, as they would be totally broken up by it, unable to come in, etc etc and implying I clearly don't care for or love said parent, or I'll have some of huge breakdown later if I don't do it the way they would.
But actually I'm like the parent in question about this - whose view about it is "shit, but I am going to carry on as normal and get on with stuff and not brood and sit around feeling sorry for myself", do sit on my feelings a lot anyway - state normal for me, survival tactic honed over a LOT of shitty things that have happened over 30-some years past. And what's wrong with that, isn't that valid as their and my choice and personality? Who made these indivs the feelings police? Ugh makes it all so much worse, people.
AIBU?
To think it's ok to handle this awful news the way I am doing?
toconclude · 29/11/2015 22:39
Yanbu!
Im at home looking after my husband who is on hospice, and i live for the 3 short 10 minute walks i take my dog on each day. It is draining for me to witness the decline and i wish i could still go to work as 90% of the time im just being quiet so he can sleep
You and your parent are all that matter and you know what is right for your situation. So sorry you are facing this and so sorry you have unsupportive colleagues 
I am so sorry about your parent.
My DF has just been diagnosed with cancer... not sure yet just how bad. I live a few hundred miles away and have school aged DCs (one who is doing major exams this year). They also have a range of commitments -parts in shows etc, which would be difficult for them not to do. I should really warn the organisers.
I work part time from home, if it does become frequent journeys backwards and forwards I can do some things from my parent's/on the train etc but it will effect some things. I should be able to keep up with the essentials but I can't take anything extra on.
I haven't told anyone bar one work colleague who was talking about a project (so extra work) and I said I couldn't take it on, said the words out loud and broke down. I can't tell anyone else just yet - not friends, not the show organisers - I just can't, I can't hold it together enough... and I am desperately hoping it isn't as bad as it might be.
I am thinking about it constantly, having the odd private cry but to the world I will look cheerful and normal. And I am actually getting more done than I have for a long time, keeping busy because I can't stand to sit and think, it makes my head and my heart hurt too much.
My first thought was to rush off to see them but actually I think it will make them feel worse too...I am not strong enough to put on a brave face just yet, they are still getting used to the idea (and as I said we don't know how bad it is yet). They do have support. Me turning up dramatically will not help anyone.
I don't think I am dealing with it very well - but I am dealing with it my way...I think that is all you can do. I think at the moment I am very definitely in shock but I think as I gradually get used to the idea I will be better able to cope. Just not just yet.
I wouldn't give up work if you don't want to...I would keep busy.
I do wonder if they have every been in a similar situation. I am not behaving the way I would have expected some one too either.
Sorry about your DParent. 
I would deal with things like this in a similar way. It does not mean I don't have feelings or that I don't care. It also doesn't mean I emotionally stunted. I deal with things, in what I consider, a calm, practical and logical way. I might have a little cry now and again but I like to try and get on with things.
My family are similar to me but my DHs family are very emotional and any personal crises is dealt with by endless phone calls, crying and 'drama'
Neither approach is wrong and fortunately my DH and I are very supportive of each other's families even though they are so different.
My lovely DM died last year after a long and slow physical and mental decline. She'd just gone into a nursing home as my DB and SIL had been looking after her for a year and could no longer cope. She had an 'episode' and I got the call to come and visit quickly. She had rallied amazingly and I spent a few hours with her.
The next day I was due to take my boys on their only holiday that year, (I'm divorced) and was dithering about cancelling, but my DB persuaded me to go. So we went and my DM died the next day. 
We were all upset but we continued with our holiday. I know my friends were horrified but what could I do? My DB and DSis organised the funeral and I lived 50 miles away anyway. It wasn't heartless even if it was a bit surreal. We were home in 4 days and well in time for the funeral.
I think that having 3 DSs and having to look after them on my own meant that I couldn't crumble and that life had to go on. Everyone grieves in their own way and I didn't have the luxury of getting someone else to take over the day to day activities while I dwelt on my grief. My friends seemed to think I was hard and emotionless. Far from it, but I couldn't give in to it.
Sod your colleagues, you cope however you see fit.
Of course it's ok to cope whichever way is best for you. Ignore the gossipers.
I worked while my DFather was very ill. I honestly think most people do. The vast majority of us will lose a parent at some point. It's rather inevitable, and if everyone of them was off work or crying in a corner the country would grind to a holt.
carry on doing what is best for you.
I'm so sorry that on top of this situation, people are miffed at the lack of public emoting. They appear to have missed the memo that your family situation is not, in fact, about them. Personally, I admire people who behave as you do. Dignity and courage are underrated.
for you, OP.
I carried on working during both parents final illnesses, I was lucky enough to live close so could visit both of them every day - my siblings didn't so couldn't. I didn't cry after either of them died - none of us did - because by the time they died it was a relief that that they had gone. My dad had a stroke and never recovered sufficiently to be his usual independent self again, we 'lost' DM to dementia months before she died.
I had people tell me that I "needed" to let myself grieve 
and to be ready for the emotional crash when it came . It really pissed me off tbh - my family simply isn't like that, we grieve in our own way. People whose emotions are very close to the surface, just can't understand those of us who aren't like that. I don't feel I'm repressing emotions - they just don't usually surface in an uncontrollable surge.
In case you haven't seen yet, we all think you're normal and they're ghastly 
I had a relative screaming at me once because I'd been able to write a eulogy and didn't break down until i was graveside and by then i so wish i could've held it together to avoid the satisfaction it gave them.
I'm really sorry you're going through this but continue to feel angry rather than wanting. .they have no clue.
So sorry for all of you who having to deal with this or who have lost friends and family. When my DM became ill I tried to carry on as normal for my children. In my head I did not want to accept she might die. I did visit but carried on working. When she took a turn for the worse I went and my brother and I were able to spend time with her before she slipped into a coma. We sat with her until she died a day later but once we knew there was no hope of recovery we both said that if she remained in a coma for a long time we may have to go back to work then take time off for the funeral. I knew I could not sit for days just waiting for her to die. We all cope differently.
YANBU. I'm sorry about your parent.
When my DF was terminally ill, I still went to work. My boss helped me re-allocate my workload in case I had to leave suddenly as she thought I kept coming to work because I was worried there was no-one to pick up my role. But it wasn't that. Work has always been my coping mechanism.
I took the time off after my DF died so I could support my DM with her loss.
Looking back, I don't regret having spent time in work but I do regret that I didn't take better care of myself by just taking some quiet time. I think a few days away from work and DF would probably have helped me to pause and process it all a little.
Do whatever you need to do for you.
I am sorry to hear about your parent.
As for your co-workers 
You do not owe them some sort of performance. They are waaaay out of line. It's perfectly reasonable to want to maintain your own dignity and privacy. Your grief and expression of it, is none of their business. I am sorry you work with such jerks.
I'm so sorry about your parent.
I've worked with people who have worked through the terminal illnesses of their parents, spouses and even one who worked through her own terminal illness.
Life doesn't stop until it stops.
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