Lending friends money

[Notimefortossers]

Putting myself out there. Got flamed last time I posted here! :o

I do want a bit of advice on how to handle it as well as to be told whether IBU, but wasn't sure where best to post.

Recently a friend of mine got herself into a bit of a pickle with her bills. She asked me if I thought she'd be mad to take out a £200 loan (on which she'd pay back more than double what she borrowed) in order to catch up on stuff she was behind with. I have some money sitting in an ISA that I've saved, but I'm not likely to need it for at least a year so I said please don't take out that loan, I can lend you it. She did protest a bit, but once I assured her it wasn't a problem for me, that I wasn't going to need the money before she'd paid it back, she accepted. Then later that day before I went to transfer the money she asked how I'd feel about £300 with a suggested payment plan meaning I'd get it all back only a couple of weeks later than we'd originally agreed . . . I said no problem.

That was 4 weeks ago. She's made one payment. Now she's asked me if she can borrow another £150 because 'she's seen some stuff on ebay' (I know it is probably for Christmas for her son so I can sympathise) and offered to up her payments. AIBU to not really want to lend her any more? There are two reasons, firstly I'm worried that an increased payment will really be a struggle for her, but that was the first thing I said to her and she says she's worked it all out and it will be ok. Secondly, it's the reason she wants it. Like I was happy to lend her money she desperately needed to get herself out of a hole, but less happy about lending her it so she can shop for stuff. I've been skint before (for a long time) so I get it, but in that position I'd just not buy stuff. But she's a grown up! So I also kind of feel like it's not really for me to say how she handles her finances!

So here comes the advice part. I feel awkward now. This is a really good friend of a long time who I see regularly, she also does stuff for me like has my kids, I also have her son for her, but recently I guess the balance has shifted so I'm probably asking her more than she asks me! Plus I have 3 and she only has 1! I don't want this money to become a 'thing' between us. When she asked me it was just all a bit awkward and I said 'Are you sure you can manage that?' and she said yes and then I said we'd wait n see what happened with a financial issue she was having that she's now messaged to say is all sorted. I'm hoping she will have sensed how awkward I felt and just won't ask me again . . . but I'm seeing her today and NO idea how to handle it if she asks me again!

Sorry for the essay!

[missymayhemsmum]

You could always say no to lending more, but tell her she needn't pay the original loan until January if that would ease things.

[lovestodazzel00]

As hard an awkward as it would be I would say no. Unfortunately when some ppl family and friends alike hear you have a nest egg it gets them excited. It's in their nature to feel entitled and irresponsible.
Even asking for the 2nd loan can put a dent in your friendship. Good luck op

[Blondeshavemorefun]

i have learnt the hard way,lent a relative money, got them a loan in my name and they stopped paying it a year ago, so muggins here pays it as i have no choice, only 9mths to go

i will NEVER lend/get a loan out for anyone EVER again whether best friend, df, relative

you were kind to lend £200, she took the piss asking for £300, let alone now wanting another £150

say no, be firm and if she asks again and you feel pressured lie say that your car/boiler etc went wrong so no spare cash and you need her to start paying the loan back

if paying back £60 every 2 weeks that £30 a week so £200 would take 7 weeks/2mths to pay, if you upped to £300 then thats 10 weeks

i wouldnt be lending/giving any money till other loan paid off

[hefzi]

Look, she was originally going to take out a loan for the first £200 - let her do so now for the £150 if she wants tat from eBay.

If she's bad with money, perhaps she has to get in a real mess to finally sort herself out: perhaps provide her with a helpful link for Stepchange?

Otherwise - if the friendship is important to you: tell her that you'll give her the money, but that this is the last time. Money nearly always screws things between friends and family when it's loans etc - one or other of you is going to end up feeling shafted.

[girlguide123]

I hope it's all smoothed over.

only give your friend money if you can afford for it to be a gift. I've got a good friend who is constantly hard up (low income, not bad money management) and occasionally I help her out, BUT she never, ever asks me. never. If I give her something it's always my idea and it's always a gift, so there's no issue of repayment to cloud our friendship.

[Notimefortossers]

The only reason I told her was because I offered to lend her the £200 to stop her taking out the stupid loan and she refused it, saying Christmas is coming and I have 3 kids and she wouldn't be able to get it back to me any quicker if it turned out we really needed it all of a sudden. So I told her I had it set aside for a house build we're planning, the money was not being used for Christmas and there was more than what I would be lending her if we had an emergency and that I couldn't see the house build taking place for just under a year at least. I told her to reassure her it was ok to borrow it from me.

Anyway, for those that are interested I saw her today and she didn't ask again so hopefully it's blown over. Thanks for all the advice

[Preciousxbane]

Stop telling anyone about your financial situation, just don't ever. I really don't understand why people do this.

[LIZS]

I would bet the £150 she did pay back was borrowed from someone else.

[gandalf456]

You are not her only source of cash, I'm sure. If she really needs it, she'll get it from somewhere else

[LIZS]

If it was in an ISA it is locked away or you will lose interest. Tell her you do not have any more available to give her. It will always be just a little more, she will never learn to manage if you keep dubbing a lifestyle she cannot afford. eBay will still be there when she has paid you back.

[d270r0]

Glad to be of help :)

[Notimefortossers]

YES!! d270r0 I love that!!

[d270r0]

Can you say you asked dh/dp and they weren't happy at lending it out and said no? Blaming it all on someone else.

[Notimefortossers]

I don't definitely know she wants it for Christmas presents. I'm just theorizing. All she said was 'she'd seen some stuff on ebay'

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"She IS my friend and a friendship has a lot more to it than money. She has been there for me emotionally when no one else has, loves my kids, NEVER has a problem having them even though there's so many of them! We laugh, we cry, we chill, we talk, we go out . . . and it's been that way for 20 years. I think she is being a bit cheeky asking for more, and I think she knows it or she wouldn't have had to 'work up the courage' to ask me . . . but she's not a bad person. And she doesn't have anyone else to ask either".

Never give money to friends; it rarely if ever ends well for the giver.
Your ongoing friendship with her is clouding your own sense of good judgment and common sense here. She has exploited your kindness and good will via your friendship. She is really no friend of yours now.

She's only made one payment and has since asked you for further funds. She does not have the means to pay you back further so you will not see any further money. Stop being her Banker as of now; you are NOT helping her by bailing her out. You're simply enabling her and that neither helps you or this person.

As for not having anyone else to ask they've probably said no to her as well so she has therefore decided to tap you for money. She simply is going to have to live within her means. I would also think that if the positions were reversed she would say no to you. If she has always been crap with money then she is going to have to learn how to be more financially responsible.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Exactly, notime, she can go to a charity shop, or Pound shop and get him some bits, or Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury has some lovely books and cheap toys for under £10, a couple of those will do. Not £150 worth. You are right to say no, you have to draw the line somewhere.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Eva50 why should op lend her more money, when she hasen't even paid back the money she owes her, only 1 payment of £300. Op has told us she is not good with money, so even an extra £150 would not be enough. You kindly lent her money, she is taking the mickey out of you by asking for more, when she has not yet paid the £300. You need to say no, now, or it will just continue.

[Notimefortossers]

Thanks for all the responses everyone. I feel much more comfortable with my decision not to loan any more now. I would feel horribly guilty if it was that she wasn't going to make rent or whatever, but as Aeroflotgirl said the only outcome of my saying no will be that her son will have a few less Christmas presents . . . he's only 2 he won't know!
I'll just tell her that I only have so much left and if we did have an emergency it would wipe me out . . . which is true. It will be awkward, but I'm fairly confident we can get past it . . . we've come through worse!
My older DC will be with us this afternoon so I'm just hoping maybe she won't ask in front of them and it might get swept under the carpet!

[Ragwort]

Don't lend her any more money, if you value her friendship and are finding the whole thing so awkward then just give it to her - she is clearly using you, perhaps you don't mind being 'used'? It's not as if she needs the money for food/heating - she wants to buy a few things on ebay.

I've lent money twice to 'friends' (one is actually a relative) - have I had any repaid - No. .

[wallywobbles]

My experience is the asks just end up getting bigger and bigger. I've lost a friend over it in the end (she asked me to lend her 2 holiday rental houses for 6 months). I knew once in I'd never get her out.

I wrote a list of pros and cons. Except there were no pros!

Just say that you feel really uncomfortable with the situation and you really rather she didn't ask for more. Which is true.

[Eva50]

I think this is a very difficult one. Going by everything you say in your posts, the fact that you offered the first £200 and her default on the payment was really out with her control I think, in your position, I would lend her the £150 being clear that it was all I could afford to lend. I would first work out with her a sensible repayment plan that she can manage to ensure that that money is back where it belongs by the time it is needed. It does not sound to me as if she is a "user" and you do appear to have a good friendship with a lot of give and take between you.

Then I would ask Mumsnet to delete this thread and point her towards the credit crunch pages to help her stay on track.

[Lilifer]

She may be a nice. well-meaning person, but she is taking the mickey here with regards you and money. You offered her 200, she then got you to make it 300, then after only one repayment expects you to cough up another 150?

Taking the mick big time!

[Lilifer]

Soory OP but why on earth cant you just (white)lie and say your dishwasher or washing machine broke down over the weekend, or indeed boiler, and you need a few hundred to replace/fix?? How is she going to know otherwise, especially if its a boiler issue?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Or a simple, No, I am not lending you anymore, you need to pay me back that money.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sorry no, you need to pay back the money I lent you first. She is going to spend it on e bay, not put a roof over her head or food on the table. She sounds like she is not good with money, don't lend her anymore.