To be upset that friend couldn't be more supportive?

[camimillie]

After telling a friend that I was planning to try for a baby in the New Year, she openly laughed.

Her reasons for doing so are that I live in a small flat, plan to work full time and don't have any support and so therefore will find it all too hard.

AIBU to think she really should not voice such opinions? I have been friends with her for over ten years now: we worked together in our first jobs but she is a bit older than me as she started the role after her children had started school.

[trian]

lighthouse kewcumber is right, it's different when you're single, lucky you for finding a partner, some of us haven't been that lucky (tho I acknowledge that there are some people actually want to have kids on their own) and we generally need more support than just ourselves.

I think with the way things are going, there are only going to be more people in our position (although the number of men will be small as it's so expensive for them to have children by surrogacy and the UK doesn't really have surrogacy laws, the legal system has a head-in-the-sand approach to it, but luckily they have equality in terms of adoption/fostering) so the rest of the world will have to come to term with it.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I suspect of you'd sprung it on her, her initial reaction was to think how difficult it could be as a lone parent with no support and a ft career. And society does condition us to think sex = baby. Or an established relationship that requires a helping hand = baby.
You aren't doing anything wrong but it's not 'mainstream' yet so people do odd reactions.

[Kewcumber]

lighthouse I'm not sure OP told the world and his wife - just her two friends. It's different when you're single - if you're relying on clinic visits then you might need some extra support and you don't have a partner to support you - a little support from a friend of family member is very helpful, or even some moral support. Though in the OP's case not so much maybe.

[Kewcumber]

I have only ever used the term "single parent by choice" on MN!

Expat - the process has been 10 years but I celebrated meeting DS 9 years ago this month and its his 10th borthday at the end of the month if you can beleive it!

And you probably haven't noticed buried in adoption that he and I are planning a return trip to Kaz next year - I may even be persuaded to blog about it... (or persuaded not to!)

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Maybe I'm strange prepared to be told I am but why do people insist on telling the world and his wife they are trying for a baby. Me and DP have not told anyone IRL that we're ttc.

[MidniteScribbler]

I also chose to have DS as a single parent, using IUI. The hardest thing I've ever done, and also the best. I kept it quiet until I was actually pregnant, so there were no discussions about whether or not it was the right choice. If someone wasn't going to support me, then they weren't someone I wanted in my life, or my son's life.

I really do wish there was a better way to describe my situation than "single parent by choice" - any ideas? How do the other posters in this situation feel about this?

I just call myself a parent. I don't feel the need for labels, especially ones where people seem to think it is ok to look down on you. I am friends with a whole group of "SMCs" and we are all professional women with a degree (we have a doctor, a pyschologist, several teachers, a lawyer, etc), all but one owns their own home (the other rents by choice), and everyon has done more than enough research about the path they have taken. Certainly not the silly old stereotype of a young woman on benefits who got knocked up at a party. We even have some half siblings in the group as the mum's used the same donor, so the children will grow up knowing each other.

I'm also not shy about my son's method of conception. I made the decision when he was born that I would never allow him to feel that how he was brought in to this world is somehow shameful or less than other children. I'll open say that he is donor conceived, and answer (reasonable! questions about it. It's actually pretty amazing how many women admit that they have considered going down this path once they find someone they feel they can genuinely talk to about it.

[trian]

there are lots more things i could say about this but i don't want to say anything that would identify me so I'll keep it vague.
OP, I know you may have done tonnes of research into this but I'll make the following points anyway in case they help anyone else who's reading:
When I looked into IUI vs IVF, IVF was better value for money (taking into consideration the chance of success).
Re. what another poster said about home insemination....if the sperm is live, the "father" is as legally the father as if he were your boyfriend etc - it's a loophole in the law that allows for live insemination, which is why the rules around it are so daft. You can inseminate yourself with sperm that you receive frozen (you defrost first) and depending on where it's from, the donor might be anonymous.
None of these things are necessarily reasons not to do it tho.

On my journey to this point I've read quite a bit on the net and communicated with quite a few parents with planned kids who were single at the time they planned and got their kids. I've found that the vast majority are not single by choice at all, I really do wish there was a better way to describe my situation than "single parent by choice" - any ideas? How do the other posters in this situation feel about this?

I do think there is a practical worry from a lot of people regarding single parents, for example if we die, who looks after the kid(s) (although a lot of parents in this situation will have sorted that out by agreeing with someone that they'll take over and putting this in their will). I'm a bit tired now and i don't think i can express myself clearly about the other issues that i think prompt some of the negative attitudes towards people in our situation......but I do think society needs to address some of the reasons why it is so hard to find a partner if you want one eg closure of local pubs due to supermarket alcohol pricing.

I'd rather struggle on my own than live a lie. Hopefully internet dating will get me a decent man at a later stage! (or i will construct one in my lab like Dr. Frankenstein did - easy peasy!).
Good luck OP

[expatinscotland]

'It amazed me the people who took it upon themselves to lecture a mid-30's professional woman about how hard having a baby is. Once from a middle aged man who had three children. If its so fecking hard why didn't you stop at one confused

Or is it because I'm single that people felt entitled to comment? 10 years on they've stopped yammering on about it thankfully.'

This ^

I always go by the Tibetan saying, 'A friend's good fortune is a blessing.'

If I cannot see it as such, then I am not a friend.

Cannot believe it's been 10 years, Kew! Fantastic!

[Ineedtimeoff]

I'm a single parent by choice too. Never regretted it. I really don't think there is an issue with living in a small flat and working. Lots of parents work and live in flats. Do you really have to be a middle class couple to be good parents? What a silly idea.

I've never understood either all those comments about how difficult it is, especially doing it on your own. Don't know why people think it's ok to lecture you about that. I never lecture my friends. I may talk things through with them but I would never be so insulting as to laugh at them or lecture.

It's as kewcumber says some people just never come to terms with your choices and that's ok. I've also found that people that I thought might not be ok with it have actually been really accepting and have been a great support.

I couldn't have a friend like that in my life.

[Samaritan1]

I'm not a single parent, but I do work full time and have no family within 250 miles. I'm 37 so I fully understand the biological clock ticking (D's was born last year).

If you want to make it work you will make it work, end of story. I've known people who have done what you are planning to do (one lady has no family in this country) - they've found it hard, but wouldn't change anything.

I do think your friend was cruel. Sometimes people with children can be so sneering and condescending to those who don't. No one has all the answers or knows what you are capable of.

Good luck with it, it'll be an amazing journey, that's the only guarantee

[camimillie]

Kew - that advice is excellent, and was along the lines that I had been thinking myself.

It can be very hard as a single person because you do need to plan and micromanage to a point. Yet you also (like everybody) need to just be able to manage situations as and when they occur and I have done a very good job of that to date.

I certainly don't have form for making life changing decisions although I did do a skydive for charity once. That was impulsive and utterly petrifying

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

That was an unfortunate reaction, I guess you've just got to wait and see how she behaves now that she's had notice of your plans.

[cashewnutty]

I am beyond excited for the OP and what the future may hold. I too was just trying to work out why her friend maybe reacted as she did.

[Enjolrass]

I don't think anybody does (and - politely - I am not posting for advice about whether or not I should do it.)

I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't. I certainly am not. I am just trying to understand it from her point of view.

Ie are you the type of person that makes decisions, thinking you know all the details but don't. Do you have form for making rash life changing decisions.

If not, I can only imagine you caught her off guard.

[Kewcumber]

It is hard OP - no idea if its harder than with a DH as I've never tried it that way. I've managing working, not working, working for myself, working part-time.

The key in my experience is to be flexible and accept things that you thought were set in stone might have to change (job/flat/location etc) and keep reviewing things as they go along. If they don;t work for you try to change them.

I know quite a few single parents by choice - never met one who regrets it.

[Kewcumber]

Your life will soon become a mixture of page 1 and page 2 OP

And the strangest people fall into each of the two camps.

FYI - I found the best response to a huffy "well I'm entitled to my opinion" is "Yup but you're not entitled to force me to listen to it, thanks all the same"

It amazed me the people who took it upon themselves to lecture a mid-30's professional woman about how hard having a baby is. Once from a middle aged man who had three children. If its so fecking hard why didn't you stop at one

Or is it because I'm single that people felt entitled to comment? 10 years on they've stopped yammering on about it thankfully.

[camimillie]

Well, thank heavens for page 2 of the thread (apologies to the posters on page 1 who weren't jaw-droppingly rude!)

[Booyaka]

OP. I have a baby via IUI with my husbands sperm.

Personally I am of the view that if somebody is prepared to go to the lengths you are to have a child, the odds they will be a good parent are stacked high.

You may not have a partner to have a child with, but Mumsnet in general would have a collective hissy fit if anybody other than single women (e.g. Lesbians, gay men) wasn't a suitable parent because of their personal circumstances.

You live in a small flat, you want to work full time. An awful lot of women who want to be pregnant want the same thing. They may or may not change their minds after the baby arrives. That's just parenthood.

And ill good luck.

[Kewcumber]

Me neither onlylovers.

In fact I haven't ever really needed to "get my head around it" when a friend says "I'm planning to have a baby". I say "Right then/Good for you/I had no idea you wanted one" no need to get my head around it at all. OP isn't 50, it's hardly that surprising that a woman in their 30's might want a child is it? Is it such a startling piece of news that you'd laugh nervously?

Time will tell.

[OnlyLovers]

Sorry, but I can't imagine 'snort and laugh' being my reaction to this. Not if it's a friend telling me.

[cashewnutty]

I think when someone who is single, living in a tiny flat and in a full time job - someone who you probably believe to be a career minded woman- springs this information on you then it will take a bit of time to process it all. As a first (and obviously in this case, inappropriate) response you might snort and laugh. It isn't done out of malice or badness, often it is a pretty involuntary response. Hopefully she will realise that her first response wasn't great and will be a committed and supportive friend. You have had a long time to think about this and plan it but it is quite a lot to get your head round if your friend had no idea about your plans.

[OnlyLovers]

YANBU. Openly laughing is fucking rude behaviour, ESPECIALLY from a good friend.

She has the right to ask questions/raise doubts (although I don't think her reasons for being sceptical sound particularly compelling), but laughing? She can piss off IMO.

[ShutYerCakeHole]

'test tube baby'? Nice. Or, y'know, just a 'baby' baby.

OP, yanbu. Shock, surprise, whatever, she's entitled to give her opinion yes, but laughing was mean, and if she really couldn't help it she should have explained.

Good luck!

[cashewnutty]

It so also possible that your friend thought you were joking? I know women can have children without a partner but I would assume she didn't really have time to process all that as you were telling her. In her shoes I too might have laughed.