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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask ex to change his flights around my wedding?

26 replies

nobutts · 12/09/2015 08:20

I'm getting married to my partner next year. We have a dd together and a ds by my ex. I told ex when the wedding was and he then decided to take ds away for the week after. He asked when he would be available and I told him the earliest would be later arvo the day after the do. Then bang...he books a flight meaning 9 yr old ds has to be picked up at 9am the day after!!... He has form for this kind of stuff e.g. Attempted to refuse to allow ds to meet dd on the day she was born..the holiday will be great for ds but he has only arranged it with a kind of dual purpose to get in the way of and detract from the wedding. Mainly my worry is for ds. His mum..me.. marries again ( although he loves my partner and he's lived with him for years. .longer than his father) then the next morning he's whipped away while the rest of his family are having a post wedding gathering and his young cousin from oz and sister are able to chill and play...we will move mountains to see him before her goes but it also means we have to wake early after wedding night and leg it back to ds at my parents house and obviously he'll be shattered for first day of holidays.
My ex is hmmm somewhere between difficult and purely narcissistic..how can I handle this without a slanging match or, what I fear, him trying to ruin things more?...essay I know thanks for readingSmile

OP posts:
TimeToMuskUp · 12/09/2015 08:28

I think if he's already booked flights it's going to be difficult to ask him to change them without him incurring some sort of costs, is he likely to ask you to cover those?

I also think that the most important part is that DS is at your wedding. That's the part to focus on; letting your Ex know you're unhappy with his flights might mean he continues with his plans because it's a way to get to you. It might be a case of going with it and just ensuring you have a wonderful wedding, and let your Ex see that his behaviour isn't affecting you.

Original poster
nobutts · 12/09/2015 08:32

Thanks for reply..i was thinking of offering to pay the charge. Tbh we'd do whatever it took to make it right for ds. I don't want an argument with ex but also just feel he needs to know its not on so he doesn't do this kind of thing again.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 12/09/2015 08:35

To do that you would have to say 'actually we won't be able to get him to where you need him until the afternoon as previously advised.'

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 12/09/2015 08:35

Well you have already told him he wouldn't be available until the afternoon. So message your ex back and point this out.

Or think it's not worth the falling out and shrug it off. I'm guessing he will have seen his cousin from Oz in the days leading up to the wedding?

Original poster
nobutts · 12/09/2015 08:45

Yep, given the holiday we're planning lovely family stuff with cousin etc. I guess I just need him to know that its not ok and that he has a responsibility to make sure that ds it chilled and calm and prepared to the early start. Ex will spend weeks around it distracting ds from wedding and talking about holiday as much as poss. I just cant bear the thought of basically waving goodbye to my son during the wedding night...party etc

OP posts:
ProvisionallyAnxious · 12/09/2015 08:49

YANBU, at all. Your ex seems to be deliberately trying to detract from the experience of the wedding and the things happening around it, both for you and your DS.

BarbarianMum · 12/09/2015 08:53

Given that you have a young dd won't you be up the next morning anyway? Couldn't you wave your ds off then?

As you are already living with your dp and have a dd together, I really can't see how you marrying him will unsettle your ds and, although your ex is undoubtedly being annoying, why give him more power and satisfaction by entering a negotiation over the sake of a few hours?

TheWernethWife · 12/09/2015 08:55

Your problem was letting your ex know the exact date of your wedding. In future, be very vague about timings so that he cannot fuck you about. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.

PennyHasNoSurname · 12/09/2015 08:58

I dont understand the issue tbh.

Crazypetlady · 12/09/2015 09:16

You told him the afternoon after he asked so he will have to deal with it and re arrange . Don't let him ruin your wedding experience.

Original poster
nobutts · 12/09/2015 09:24

I don't think ds will be unsettled more that he's a smart kid so it might be helpful for him to have a bit of closure on all the attention and busyness of the day..his sister isn't going on hol with him so again..a little bit of concern about her getting to hang and continue to celebrate. She wold stay with gp not us so no, wasn't planning early wake up but not a big deal in that respect.
Penny, i do definitely feel its an issue given he booked the hol suddenly only after he knew of wedding and disregarded what I has told him and its an inconvenience for ds.
I absolutely should have been more vague though no doubt... I guess we'll make the most of it and have fun and come back early but will offer to change flights and if he doesn't want to then it'll just clearly demonstrate his intentions and he'll realise that as well so can maybe have a glimmer of understanding.

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/09/2015 09:25

That would be a simple no from me.
Weddings are tiring and tend to end up late. You can't simply be expected to be up that early the day after with a packed case.
Send him back your original answer (if you don't have it in writing, start) and mention afternoon only. He can pay whatever charges.

rollonthesummer · 12/09/2015 09:29

I'd keep both children with me that night and he can collect them from you in the morning.

Pantone363 · 12/09/2015 09:33

Depending where he is going there may have only been a morning flight, it's not like a taxi!

TBH I don't think this is an issue. You are getting married and then have a week without your DS to enjoy each other, go on honeymoon etc. why do you think he's doing it just to distract your DS from the wedding?

Zampa · 12/09/2015 09:42

Whilst he might have been unreasonable booking the flights in the first place, it would seem (to me) unreasonable to try and get him to change times now, for the sake of half a day.

Do you know why those flights were booked? Were they much cheaper? Does the landing time make more sense when travelling with a child?

Ultimately your son loves both his Mum and Dad. He's going to have an amazing few days with his favourite people.

Good luck with the wedding planning and hope that the day goes well.

maddening · 12/09/2015 09:45

Tell ex he has to pick ds up from you if he can't change his flights.

SavoyCabbage · 12/09/2015 10:09

I would just say 'that's great! Ds will be all ready.' Then I would put someone (your parents, your best friend) in charge of helping you make it happen.

I think the best thing for your ds will be for you to take this in your stride and to act as if this is all going to be fine. It's not going to detract from the wedding and he will have a lovely time.

Anything else is going to create drama and this is the only option which will leave you in charge of what is going to happen. Any other choices are at your ex's say-so.

Original poster
nobutts · 12/09/2015 10:26

I think you're totally right about making it work and we will. Its not about us having extra time with ds, more just the morning being easy, calm and convenient for ds who will be knackered. We could have them with us on our wedding night I guess although that also is something ex has now made happen and I think anyone might think its perhaps not ideal. Flights were available only twice a day so best option would be next morning and its cheaper..it would also be the next available flight from when I said he'd be around. Ex detracts and will detract by endlessly talking about hols..will likely describe wedding as boring to ds. He calls when we're on hol with ds to tell him how many days to go until he sees him and how great the next ( longer/bigger/better) holiday will be for example. Tried to tell ds how boring babies are when dd was born etc

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 12/09/2015 11:12

Keep the kids with you on the wedding night and stay at home. Then spend the next night or two having a delayed "wedding night" in a nice hotel.

You could just tell ex that he's not available till the afternoon as already stated, but like you I'm not sure it's worth the aggro. If ds is tired, he'll have to deal with the fall out. I'd let him party till as late as he likes and enjoy your wedding and his cousins that way.

rollonthesummer · 12/09/2015 12:08

I agree if you didn't have children-a wedding night is particularly special but actually, all the people I know who got married after children had their kids with them on the wedding night.

Original poster
nobutts · 12/09/2015 12:27

I like the wedding night idea now and think we can really make it work.. Definitely one to consider if after having a chat about flights he doesn't get it. I'll just be straight up with him about the fact that thetimings are wrong and maybe ask if he made a mistake ( he didn't)..

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/09/2015 12:36

Your choice. Normally making things easier is the best thing to do with normal people. But if he has form, establishing boundaries and be strict about them works best in the long run, in my experience.
The trick is to either appear unaffected, or make things more difficult to start with.
For example, why say the next day afternoon? Why not two days later, and give yourself a cushion for his pratness?

Bakeoffcake · 12/09/2015 12:49

I can understand why this would upset you. He really is being a controlling arse.

I'd just say "I did tell you Ds will not be available until late afternoon. I'm not sure why you have booked flights for the morning- he isn't available. You will need to change them"

Leave it in his hands to sort out his own mess.

Bakeoffcake · 12/09/2015 12:52

I too think you should have said your Ds wasn't available until about 2 days after the wedding. Especially as his family from Aus will be around.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/09/2015 12:56

I am going to go slightly against the consensus here, and say that you should not object to this.

Firstly, if he is doing it to fuck you about, and you don't react, he gets no pay-off for his fuckwittery.

Secondly, instead of getting a reasonably well rested boy, to entertain on an afternoon flight, he has to get up early to pick up a tired boy, who may well be cross at missing out on some of the post wedding fun - and he will then have to entertain said tired and cross boy on a morning flight.

I'd just text him back - 'That's fine, you can pick up ds from X at 9am'.

If you think your ds will be upset at missing some of the post wedding fun (though you did say he's unlikely to be unsettled), maybe you can plan something special to do, once he's back from the holiday with his dad.

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