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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's cruel to just dump a friend without even an explanation?

33 replies

CathCurtains · 22/08/2015 00:59

I am still upset about something that happened a couple of years ago.

I became good friends with another mum from my childrens' school. We were good friends for a couple of years and even went on holiday together with our husbands and children.

Without warning a couple of years ago she just stopped talking to me one day. She stopped replying to my texts, and if I saw her in person she would just scurry past and say Hi really coldly.

To my knowledge I never did anything wrong at all and was a good friend to her. It was a case of one day we were friends and the next day we were not. I asked her a couple of times if I had done anything to upset her and she just said that she was busy but no, everything was fine.

AIBU to think that her behaviour was/is cruel and that she could at least give an explanation? DH thinks I did nothing wrong but that she is probably jealous as she is very materialistic and her stopping talking with me co-incided with a couple of things in my life that she may have been jealous of.

OP posts:
PeanutsOnTheFloor · 22/08/2015 01:39

YANBU Flowers

Ginkypig · 22/08/2015 01:46

Yadefnbu

Iv had it happen to me too and I awful!

It very upsetting to suddenly be an ex friend esp when you though you were a good one.

I don't like language but fuck them were worth more than that!

Move on and move up cath they aren't worth your upset (even though I am sometimes still too)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/08/2015 02:01

This happened once to me in my 20s. It was horrid - especially as the person insisted i had done nothing wrong... It hurt.. A lot. Made worse by my utter lack of understanding as to why.

Ivr never admitted this in RL- but it has left a bad taste in that i always wonder whether this will happen again...

wtfisgoingonhere · 22/08/2015 02:36

I sympathise with this
Same happened to me after uni . really close friend, we went on holiday together and all sorts. Kept in touch when I moved away from the area, caught up when I was in the area and Facebook friends for keeping in touch for a period when I was overseas then all of a sudden- nothing.

To this day I don't have a clue why, and when I see something that we would have liked/laughed about I get quite upset.

We are still friends on Facebook and periodically I message her to say hi but never get a reply.

Been 7 years now and I've just rediscovered a gift I bought for her when I was travelling which I kept 'just in case'

It's horrible - feels like a break up with no reason.

I find it very difficult to make friends now as I am paranoid I did something so badly wrong to never hear from her again

Sorry I can't help but I can appreciate how you feel Flowers

shadowfax07 · 22/08/2015 02:38

YANBU. One of the few people who did this to me said 'if you don't know what you've done, I'm not going to tell you'. That was really helpful Confused.

I figured out, a few years later after talking with a colleague from the time, that a new starter thought that my friendships with the rest of the (mostly male) department were inappropriate, and this new starter took every opportunity to stick and twist the knife in my back. It was a relief to be made redundant from that place, tbh.

blibblobblub · 22/08/2015 03:11

It's horrible, isn't it. Happened to me at uni. I was distraught.

WaggleBee · 22/08/2015 03:21

It's really cruel and I can't imagine anyone worth having as a friend would do something like this. A good friend would talk to you if they had a grievance and want to resolve it. (Shadow shocking that even when asked, in your situation, she wouldn't tell you. What a coward!)

Try to reassure yourself that you haven't done anything wrong. You'd know if you had as I imagine you've gone over every past conversation with a fine toothed comb and found nothing amiss. Whatever is wrong it's all her.

Flowers
dustarr73 · 22/08/2015 07:08

Happened to me a few years ago.My friend who was even godmother to my son,arranged to meet me and never showed up.
I rang thinking something had happened to her but she never rang back.The penny dropped as she had become distant but i didnt see the signs.I blocked her as it was obvious she didnt want to be friends.It was hard but its her loss.

frenchcheeses · 22/08/2015 08:28

wtfisgoingonhere I don't understand why you would remain friends on FB with someone that treated you so badly and doesn't respond to any of your messages. You'd probably feel much better if you unfriended and blocked them.

McPie · 22/08/2015 10:35

I am coming up to a year since it happened to me, I still don't know what happened but I'm am coming to the conclusion that it was her not me.
I don't have close friendships due to an incident when I was in primary where my best friend would beat lumps out of me for no reason so as much as I have many friends I do not venture into the close side easily.
We spent summer training for an event together (hers was before ours) and once she had done hers she cooled towards me in a big way. It was subtle at first and little things didn't feel right/friendly then she really stuck the knife in attacking me verbally under the guise of constructive criticism so I walked away for my own mental health. We seemed so well matched as friends at the start but as time went on her competitive side became really ugly and the bitching about others was very uncomfortable.
I don't have a clue what she has said to others (the same people she bitched about!) about what happened but I'm sure she blamed me as one has unfriended me on facebook and the others have not acknowledged my existence since the end of September last year.
It's hard not to blame yourself when you don't know what went wrong in the first place but nice people do not behave that way and real friends would discuss any issues rather than treat anyone in such a horrible and cowardly fashion.

Incandescentage · 22/08/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 22/08/2015 14:48

Had this happen to me too. It's shit but you have to move on or you'll drive yourself mad.

Shadow that's appalling x

quietbatperson · 22/08/2015 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustMeOverHere · 22/08/2015 14:49

It's horrible when that happens. Flowers

Incandescentage · 22/08/2015 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 22/08/2015 14:54

I am sure it is upsetting but you really must move on after a couple of years!

My feelings towards a previously close friend have changed over the past six months or so and I am just quitely letting the friendship go. I don't feel I owe her an explanation, particularly, I've just come to realise that we are very different people. Also, she was not very nice to a mutual friend who was incredibly upset about it. If she asked me if everything was alright, I'm not sure I would make a good job of explaining it all, so would probably continue with the "I've just got a lot going on" at the moment and keep my fingers crossed that she would also let it go and move on.

quietbatperson · 22/08/2015 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayWithMe · 22/08/2015 15:01

I had this happen to me with a friend that I worked with. She moved posts bug we still kept contact. I was off long term sick (mh) and while off she had a big birthday party. I knew nothing about it and found out when I went back to work. When I'd be off work I'd close down, which my good friends would understand. When I got in touch, she would reply to my offers for meet ups, with the usual "we have to do that, as soon as I've a free day, bla bla" In the end I stopped as I felt I was on a hiding to nothing. I've since lost my darling husband and, since we work in the same building, I assume she knows. Not so much as a sympathy card. I know I go to ground when ill, but we shared all our problems and I would listen when she was having problems. I made sure it wasn't all about me. I wish I knew what happened. She's told me some very dark secrets, which I've never shared and never will, but it breaks my heart. If she told me what I had done then I could apologise and move on.

Fireandicicles · 22/08/2015 15:01

I have learnt over the years that's it's just not worth telling people why they have upset you and why you no longer want to be friends.

It's hard because I usually like to clear the air, but at least not saying why stops the resentment and you can still see them and say hello.

I have cut friends off for being consistently selfish or their husband has been a total arse and I just don't want our families to hang out any more.

Life's too short and there are plenty of great people out there.

Fireandicicles · 22/08/2015 15:05

And don't forget there could always be a third party who is stirring things up between friends. That's the worst when you don't know and if you did you could at least put across the truth of the matter.

CaptainSwan · 22/08/2015 15:06

This happened to me a few years ago now, it was awful and I still think about her regularly. Sadly it's mainly with bitterness now Sad

LumelaMme · 22/08/2015 15:11

I've had this happen twice, once at school and once when my eldest was a baby. It was horrible both times.

Major sympathies to you, OP.

Sazzle41 · 22/08/2015 15:14

Awful as it is for the one dropped (been there), I think in a lot of friendships I have had, a while into it, you find you are more different than you thought and/or its run its course for one of the people in it. Maybe she feels you dont have that much in common any more but it too cowardly to say it, and yes, maybe she resents you. I had a friend the same, I think we mistook a few work conversations as real friendship and now i realise we had nothing in common and she resented me offering help re. her chaotic life. I came to realise the chaos was something she didnt see as a problem but chaos makes me stressed. So end of friendship.

silverglitterpisser · 22/08/2015 15:19

I have done this quite recently Blush . I was exhausted with the constant drama n moaning from friend, spending hours dealing with her shit whilst my own life was imploding n if I ever tried to steer the conversation my way she'd steer it back. I am not easily dominated at all but she was just relentless n wore me down tbh.

To be fair, she did have problems but a lot of them could've been resolved easily rather than dragging it out, splashing it all over FB, texting me every single development all hours of the day n night - she literally wore me out!

I tried explaining how I felt but as usual she glazed over n changed the subject back so I just thought oh screw it, I'm gonna step off this ridiculous friendship roundabout for a bit for my own sanity. I just stopped jumping to every demand for contact, would text periodically n address points from previous texts received, comment on FB occasionally etc but I just cooled it right down really n now we don't text n whilst I like n comment on her FB she doesn't on mine! I don't think it was cowardly as I had tried to explain, but if it was then so be it. I needed out, was literally suffocating n other than screaming in her face, I couldn't get her to listen.

silverglitterpisser · 22/08/2015 15:20

Not implying u r like that btw, OP, just saying sometimes it's not clear cut. Am sorry ur feelings were hurt x

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