ExH, 18yr DS & maintenance

[Lozislovely]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or just annoyed!

Up until last month ExH paid me a nominal sum in maintenance for 2 DS, 16 & 18. The amount was agreed informally upon separation a few years ago.

ExH sees both DS at most for 4 hours 2 evenings per week. There have never been any sleepovers.

ExH has never contributed to school trips, clothing or any extras that DS's have needed and I have always stumped up the cash. (ExH is 'of course' poor (bleats to the DS's about it too) even though he takes two holidays abroad a year and can't even afford to put his heating on!)

DS1 is going to Uni in October. ExH has agreed with DS1 that 50% of the maintenance will be paid to him so to help with living costs. I have agreed to match this amount.

Unbeknownst to me, ExH and DS1 agreed that the payment starts from this month, even though I have to foot the bill for DS1 living with me until October.

AIBU to be p*ssed off that DS1 expects me to feed and clothe him whilst he gets 'free' money from his father and lives with me? (Last month without food I spent £500 on him for various things and I can't continue to fund him in that way).

Anytime I try to explain the costs of things to him, he ends up getting uptight thinking I'm having a go when I'm trying to make him realize that he's a grown up and needs to start taking responsibility.

It just another flipping agreement that the two of them have made together that I am expected to go along with and it feels like he just assumes this is ok.

Part of me thinks he should go live with his dad until he goes to Uni as that will be the reality check that he needs, but I don't think he'd ever talk to me again if I said that.

[summerainbow]

I would rent out DS1 room when he is at uni . So there is no way he can come back home.
And safe rent either for him or DS2

[angstridden2]

My children and all my nephews and nieces managed to work all through Sixth form and the holidays when at uni.All got good degrees from RG unis and now have very good jobs. It's not just about the money, working gives them a taste of the real world, a bit of self discipline and something to put on their CVs. There are jobs around, after 18 bar work is brilliant and you can go round the world with those skills. I don't understand where this idea that you can't work pt and study has come from with young people; it's fine with the majority of degrees.

[Collaborate]

Go to the CSA. Maintenance doesn't drop by 50% when 1 child drops out of the equation (as DS1 has). CSA (or CMEC) will sort out maintenance for DS2 and he can reach his own arrangement with DS1.

[missymayhemsmum]

This is an opportunity for your ds to open his student bank account, work out his budget and buy the things he needs for uni/ his accommodation deposit out of the money his dad has given him.
A transition time.

(but hey, he's 18 and yup, you're going to be paying for everything and spending loads of cash getting him there and feeding him all summer and paying his accommodation deposit and he'll spend it having fun)
YANBU.

[Peppasmate]

Op,
I think your totally right. I have childrenIin their 20's. My oldest went to uni. He worked. He had to. All his friends worked but he wasn't happy about it. He's now nearly 26 & still very entitled!

My daughterIis 23. She chose to do an apprenticeship. It's a working aapprenticeship & honestly she carries on like she deserves a medal for getting out of bed for 'measly £13k per annum'.

I don't know why they are so entitled. They seen how hard I worked. I went to Uni when they were in Junior School so they remember me working all the holidays. 3/4 cleaning jobs. Late nights etc. I managed to get a First class law degree.

Your son might not like you very much now but he'll be a better person for taking some responsibility for himself.

Best of luck with everything.

[Lozislovely]

Thank you coco, that's exactly what I'm intending to do. I do think his eyes have been opened and I honestly don't know (or care) if his dad has had any influence on making him feel I can bridge the money gaps.

What matters is that he understands the wider picture and learns not to take everything for granted.

[cocobean2805]

When I was going into uni I started looking at around this time for jobs in the city I was going to uni in. My mum gave me £30 a week and anything else I wanted I needed to work for. I did about 20 hours over the weekend and my work didn't suffer. I worked from being 14 but was often subsidised until I went to uni and had to learn how to budget. Sit down with him and explain that x will cost this, y will cost that, and the amount he is now responsible for. Be honest with him that you can't offer him the extras he's uses to if Dad is paying him his spends directly. It's a life lesson.

[Lozislovely]

Haha Lavender - housework

I have no problems supporting either of my children so long they don't take the piss!

Wouldn't it be lovely if I could keep DS1 in a bubble where he doesn't have to do anything - he'll do so well once he's got his first class degree (with honours of course) and gets his first extremely well paid job - cos that's what happens to all grads right? He's an adult, and whilst I know I might have, to an extent, given a little too much up to now, why just because he's off to Uni can he not start taking responsibility without expecting the bank of mum (or dad) to bail him out all the time.

We spoke last night and he does see my point of view and understands that there isn't an endless supply of cash and he's looking forward, for his own adult self, to start taking steps to take more responsibility.

[LavenderLeigh]

It is totally the norm in my DS student house for them all to work. She does 4 hours a night in a call centre, so 20 hours a week. Her best mates do waitressing, bar work etc at the weekends.
Your DS sounds like he's holding you to ransom!
I agree, charge him £50 per month rent and let him live off the remaining £150. Your contribution is in the form of board and lodging. If it doesn't spur him on to get a job it will at least help to learn how to budget.
Oh, and if he isn't working then obviously he does the majority of the housework while you are out earning the money he seems to take for granted.

[Georgiedawes]

What is his pocket money for if not for new clothes and his computer?

[Lozislovely]

Way off the mark Dynomite but thanks for your post!

[RedHelenB]

Actually your ex should give you 75 % for ds2 and then 25 for ds1 as csa amount is 15% for 1 child and
20% for 2 of his net wage.

[Dynomite]

To be honest, I think you're being mean. You seem to resent your ExH a lot (understandable, he sounds like an arse) but charging your son for food and rent in the summer before going to uni is a bit mean. Especially since you're only doing it bc your ex is now giving him money. He doesn't sound welcome in your house anymore now that he's 18. And I agree with him about term time jobs. Everyone on mumsnet assumes people go to uni to sit around. Well, actually, they go there to study. I didn't work during term time and it allowed me to get a First and get a fantastic job after uni. I wouldn't have been able to study so much and put in tens of applications and attend so many job interviews and CV clinics if I had to work on top of all that.
And none of my friends got charged rent when they went home for the winter holidays (we all worked through the summer though so didn't really go home). I feel sory for the kid, neither of his parents want him now. He's 18, you think you've done your bit so he can piss off. I'm sure he's feeling very welcome right now.

[Stormtreader]

£200 per month sounds like enough to put towards a bike, theres his transport to the warehouse job sorted.

[AyeAmarok]

He needs to learn that life isn't free.

Him sulking is no reason to let him away with it.

Agree with Grumpy's plan.

[Lozislovely]

You're right grumpy, thank you. I just feel like the bad person at the moment - but I know I'll be playing into his hands if I back down.

[grumpysaurus]

I don't see the problem here. He now has the maintenance so he's responsible for half of his own upkeep. This means you will spend £200 a month on him - probably food and heating (show him the bills) - and he will get the rest. I wouldn't take rent off him - after all you live in the house - but I'd stop paying for mobile phone, insurance, clothes and all extras. The alternative is that he hands over the money. Stop agonising - you are doing him a favour by making him budget.

[Lozislovely]

Desert - yep he's under the impression he can come back here out of term time and pay nothing. I did say I felt that wasn't fair and he should consider moving in with his dad during those times (as his dad will continue to pay him an amount every month).

I just feel like I've done my bit, sick of the treating my home like a hotel whilst expecting to do nothing in return.

[Lozislovely]

He does understand budgeting from his own finances perspective - i.e pocket money but when something goes wrong with his computer or he needs new clothes, it's me he turns to.

In terms of food costs from what I buy, I don't think he considers it even though we've had the conversation many a time.

His course information for Uni states that lectures account for only 16% of his course so I do think he should have enough time for a job and study.

I know I've made a rod for my own back to a degree as his dad was always a tightarse dishing out any of his money so I bridged the gap - not spoiling him or DS2 - but providing more than I probably should have.

[DesertIslander]

YANBU. Where will your DS live out of term time? Uni terms vary but at a guess he'll still be home at least 1/3 of the year.

I would thank your ExH on your son's behalf for his support with uni costs, and then suggest a 60% reduction in his share of your monthly maintenance (-30% current amount) to reflect your son's new living arrangements

[pinkbraces]

How has he got to 18 without understanding about finances and budgeting? I think you maybe in for a bit of a difficult time if he has no idea how to budget.

My DD is at Uni, on her third year and has always worked, as have most of her friends, she does about 12 hours a week in a call centre, its not hard and she has plenty of time for her studies. But, this does of course depend on what he is studying. He could however work in the holidays.

You need to ensure he understands how to budget otherwise you might be baling him out permanently.

[Lozislovely]

I'm thinking of saying that the money he gets is his total funds for the month - food, bills, train fares etc. That way he'll get to understand how he has to budget when he goes to uni. I know I can't really stop him from using food that I buy, but if I leave out all the 'good' stuff that he likes, he'll have no choice but to buy his own.

The other thing (not trying to drip feed) is that he chose the most expensive uni accommodation without talking to me about it first in case of shortfall. His maintenance loan covers it bar £550 which he needs for the deposit - if I take money off him now, he won't have the deposit but if I don't take the money off him, I'll be way out of pocket. Aargh!

[sashh]

Well he either hands over the money hid dad is giving him or he has to pay rent and either board or buy his own food or he can move out.

Cost out everything NOW. 1/3 of mortgage/rent, 1/3 of bills, count up the cost of every slice of bread, biscuit etc.

[VioletPenguin]

What on earth have you spent £500 on this month not including food? Just stop that immediately. Give him a rundown of your finances and show him how much it costs to keep him. We've just had to do that to our 18 year old who thought we were charging excessive board (ha!).

If he strops, fine, he'll realise in a few months that living actually costs quite a bit now.

Also, the pickiness over jobs will decrease if you stop forking out £500 a month for him. No wonder he doesn't feel the need to work.