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AIBU?

Argh - my mother..how do I respond if at all.

62 replies

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 21:12

I have teenagers and this week they are doing my head in. All off school and not doing the things I have asked while I am at work. They have been sanctioned appropriately.

My partner (not the kids dad) works away so I am effectively (and did for 5 years before we met) bringing the kids up alone.

My mum is great in the respect that she lives away but she has always come and stayed with the kids one weekend/week a year so I can go away.

Thing is I can't ever ask her for parenting advice. She has always sniggered and laughed in front of me and the kids when they have been naughty and thinks it's a big joke and kind of life's revenge on me because I was a nightmare teen who went right off the rails (partly due to not a great childhood).

Just had a rant on FB about my teens (typical self entitled lazy shit - they are on the whole pretty good kids) and she posts "I'm saying nothing" and loads of smiley faces.

It drives me MENTAL it is so unsupportive and I just never know how to respond without being accused of "over reacting".

How do I respond? Do I just bite my toungue? Feel like saying Fuck. Off.

Sorry stressful day and venting here rather than at my mother

OP posts:

Report

DoreenLethal · 23/07/2015 22:17

Could you not say 'best not mum, looks like it skipped a generation :)'?

Emmylou1985 · 23/07/2015 22:19

I recently had to tell my mum and dad about their undermining of me and my rules when it came to my 3 year old. I don't like confrontation so was in tears before I even spoke. You literally cannot tell my parents anything. They just found out I smoke and it was like I had handed a piss-covered bible to the Pope. I'm 30. My mum responded to the undermining thing with "Yeah ok, Emma, sorry!" completely sarcastically and my dad stormed out of the room and didn't speak to me for a week! My issues? My dad constantly saying "He's alright!" when I find him allowing my son to do things I consider to be dangerous and ask him to stop (eg thinking it was hilarious to teach my son to jump head first off his bed!), or telling me to "Shut up" when he fills DS cup basically half way with cordial when I said to put the tiniest drop of juice in it and the rest water. He pushed past me and gave the juice to my son anyway! I also have a rule with my son that unless he makes an effort to eat a good amount of his tea, he does not receive a pudding. Simple as that. If he doesn't eat tea at my mum and dad's they just fill him with crap! The straw that broke the camel's back though was me and DS were staying overnight at mum and dad's and the next morning (7am-ish) I handed DS a cup of water as there was no juice in their house. He started complaining as despite the fact he drinks tons of water in pre-school he simply cannot bear the freshness of h2o at home! Go figure! Anyway, my mum pipes up "We've got pop! Do you want some pop instead?" I was fuming! First of all, I have made the choice to give MY son water instead of anything else you have available. Second of all, you should take me to one side and ask me about it before just blurting it out to him. And finally, who the absolute F thinks it's ok to give a three year old vimto pop at 7 o'clock in the pissing morning?! I now know from their behaviour that I can't say anything to them. Mum has made more of an effort since, but dad just won't accept blame. He actually said to me "I won't apologise for letting him have fun" Like... Ummm... That wasn't what I was saying!!

Mintyy · 23/07/2015 22:20

Your feelings towards your mother when you were a teen are the same as your children's feelings are towards you now. You just need to own it.

fourtothedozen · 23/07/2015 22:21

Emmylou1985 why are your parents looking after your son so much?

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 22:23

Quite amusing the insight some PPs have into my relationships considering what little detail so have given

OP posts:

Mintyy · 23/07/2015 22:29

Quite amusing that you want to know if you bu or not on the basis of a tiny amount of information. Or possibly not amusing, but quite tedious.

AnyoneforTurps · 23/07/2015 22:31

No one on AIBU (including me) actually wants to know if she is BU. They are all seeking affirmation of rightness

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 22:35

Sometimes people don't have other adults to rant to.

If a fairly innocuous post like this attracts that reaction I don't know whether to feel sorry for you both that you have nothing better to do with your time than trawl the Internet looking for tedious shit like this or just agree with others about how ridiculously nasty MN has become.

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Emmylou1985 · 23/07/2015 22:38

Fourtothedozen I'm sorry... What?? I never once alluded to the idea that my parents look after my son "so much". We are close to my parents, so we see them often. They have him to stay maybe once a month. The examples I have given are of times when I have been there to witness their behaviour. Kinda rude to assume I was just constantly passing my kid off to them!

AnyoneforTurps · 23/07/2015 22:44

Sometimes people don't have other adults to rant to.

Sorry to hear that innovations like the telephone and email haven't reached your area yet, OP. I'm sure it won't long now

Ah, the joy of the AIBU trajectory:

OP: I am right, aren't I?
Other posters: not entirely
OP: MN is soooo nasty.

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 22:51

Ahhh how funny to be told to email or phone someone rather than venting on a forum.

From a poster on a chat forum.

OP posts:

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 22:52

PS: I often can't contact my partner so before you stand in judgement get your facts straight.

OP posts:

fourtothedozen · 23/07/2015 22:57

So why can't you just take it on the chin until you do see him?
Ranting on facebook is plain mean.

Imagine if your OH was ranting about you on facebook- hiding the post from you of course. How would you feel?

Jen1610 · 23/07/2015 22:58

You bite your tongue and let her have her glory. Bide your time and one day it will be your turn to do the same to your kids ????

MakeItACider · 23/07/2015 22:59

You don't want to speak to your mum, yet you want her to stop her behaviour?

Yeah, good luck with that.

And so you know, a couple of my sisters are envious of my relationship with her now. Because she knows not to pull the crap with me, we actually get on far better than she does with them. They leave the house in tears because she has given them a talking to about their failings as a parent. I leave sad because I'm going to miss her. VERY different. You should try it.

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 22:59

My OH isn't on FB - sometimes he goes away for 4 months at a time.

I had a small rant about teen behaviour - my kids could not see it.

I did not say I hate my kids they are cunts.

Many other parents of teens sympathised with my post what with it being the summer holidays and all.

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AnyoneforTurps · 23/07/2015 23:00

Chill, OP - no one actually expects anyone who posts on AIBU to take the advice given. Which is lucky, really…

Carry on exactly as you are. You are totally right. Anyone who thinks otherwise is both deluded and wilfully persecuting you.

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 23:02

Other than issue I have a good relationship with my mum.

It's a can of worms I am not prepared to open.

I have dipped my toes in the water many times and not enjoyed the response.

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fourtothedozen · 23/07/2015 23:03

My OH isn't on FB

Not my point. You failed to understand what I said. I don't care if your OH is on facebook or not- it was a hypothetical question.
So you are OK about him badmouthing you as long as you don't hear it?

Stratter5 · 23/07/2015 23:03

Sorry to hear that innovations like the telephone and email haven't reached your area yet, OP. I'm sure it won't long now

You still need someone to vent to via telephone/email. Not all of us have that someone.

TryToEngageBrainFirst · 23/07/2015 23:04

Taking a deep breath and starting again, there's some good advice for you on here Weather.

As I read through, I thought it was sad that you don't feel like you can have an honest conversation with your mother about your experience of your childhood and how it might have influenced you as a teen, which might lead to a conversation about why you make different parenting choices.

Weathergames · 23/07/2015 23:04

I wasn't bad mouthing anyone?

OP posts:

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Weathergames · 23/07/2015 23:06

If I do I will lose my relationship with my mother.

I know that from past experience.

I have made my peace with it and had counselling.

This just pisses me off.

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fourtothedozen · 23/07/2015 23:10

"Just had a rant on FB about my teens (typical self entitled lazy shit"

I wasn't bad mouthing anyone?

MakeItACider · 23/07/2015 23:10

A simple 'not appreciated Mother' might do the trick. I feel 'Mother' conveys the same sort of meaning as using a child's full name to indicate that you are far from impressed with their behaviour.

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