To think my sister should make more effort to get over gender disappointment?

[honeylulu]

Just that, basically.I've been lurking around the boards for a while trying to find someone in a similar situation to find out how/if it got resolved. No luck, so here goes.
By way of brief background my sis is 2 years younger and has always been the baby/golden child of the family. Admittedly she is clever and hardworking, achieved highly at school, was no trouble to parents etc. I meanwhile was more of a typical teenager and PITA.
We're both now married and live nearby (parents still live in or home town a couple of hours away). I have a son 10, sister has two sons 9 and 7.
Sis and I fought like cat and dog during teen years but became close as adults especially once we lived nearby. Our boys also enjoyed seeing each other.
I suffered years of secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages including one well into second trimester. This was a huge strain on my marriage and mental health but we got through the ups and downs.
As we were about to give up (about to have last ditch attempt at fertility treatment I found I was pregnant naturally. This one stuck and our little miracle daughter was born last year.
To my shock my sister cut me off as soon as she found out I was having a girl at the time of my 20 week scan. That is, she suddenly turned very frosty during the conversation and two days later after a bit of probing she said she was so unhappy at not having a daughter herself that she "could not be involved" and "had to stay away".
We had both chatted previously about hoping to have a daughter but in a joky way. I had no idea it meant so much to her.I said I understood and that the door was open for when she felt better about the idea. I also promised her I would not discuss this with other members of the family as we agreed she should not feel pressurised or embarrassed as well as dealing with her other feelings. I did tell my husband and she knew that.
Stupidly I thought she meant she needed a bit of time and space and by the time I gave birth it would be ok. No.My friends organised a secret baby shower, apparently she said she couldn't come. I texted her the day my daughter was born (I just said "baby born today" as I didn't want to rub it in by saying anything girly). No response though she later sent a card and gift. No visit though I made clear she would be welcome.
I have only seen her twice since my pregnancy announcement 18 months ago. Once at a family wedding when she blanked me, husband and children. Her husband seemed very confused and I think doesn't have the full picture. Then at a family picnic - same.
She was invited to my daughter's christening but didn't respond.
Obviously people have started to notice and ask. I didn't want to lie so now a few people know a potted version. However I kept my promise not to discuss with the rest of the family.My mum who is a nosey parker !! never mentions my sister do she must have been told something by her. I don't know what.
I'm so sad about it. I love her and miss her even though IMO she is being a pillock.
I'm also at times resentful and cross because my parents have had limited contact with me and my daughter, I suspect, because they are worried about upsetting my sister. She has always been a bit of a princess and emotionally open do they've always made allowances for her.I tend to bottle things up and people including my parents think I don't need emotional support in the same way. But it's not just me missing out but my children too.Also worried as my parents are in their 70s and what will happen when they need care or die? Surely she will have to talk to me then?
I don't think I can do anything else... I've kept the door open but I don't think it will change now.
AIBU for thinking she should have tried harder with her gender disappointment issues? I know when I was trying for baby so long I would get jealous of other people's pregnancies but when the baby was born I would force myself to visit and coo over the baby and found when faced with the reality I was no longer jealous and felt genuinely happy. AIBU to compare these feelings?
Has anyone experienced the same and did it ever get better?

[Sighing]

There is the possibility she has struggled with further fertility or perhaps her own losses. It sounds as though your parents are aware and have some information. I would start there. I think the 'giving her grace' period os over for the sake of your children now being avoided by their grandparents. I'd book a lunch with your mum and start the ball rolling.

[Jelliebabe1]

I think this is incredibly sad. She is absolutely in the wrong and you are obviously missing her. I would write her a letter and tell her how you feel, that how she is behaving is making you really sad and that you want her back in your life.

I know you don't want to discuss this with your mum, but why don't you ask her if your sister has told her why you're not speaking. You can say to your Mum that you promised you wouldn't talk about it but you would like to know what she has said about it. I would be interested to see if she has said something different.

If all fails - sod her. Enjoy your lovely family XXX

[whois]

Sister sounds like an unpleasant loony who needs to get counselling A-fucking-SAP before she fucks up her relationship with you byond repair, and before she fucks up her poor sons.

You 100% should talk to your mum and tell her what is going on, and how upsetting it is for you. And ask if she has any insight into way your crazy bitch sister is behaving like this.

[LostMyBaubles]

Not read the full thread. ...

I have 3 boys. Would absolutely love a girl. Sometimes its the only thing I think about having a little princess of my own.

When my little sis had her daughter I was upset that I didnt have one but she involved me in soo much it helped. She will ask me for my opinion about her clothes im a girly girl and sis is a tom boy.
She sends me pics few times a week.

She is now pregnant and she would do anything for a boy. Shes always wanted a boy and was happy but upset when I had my boys but she is amazing with them.
dont have much advice but didnt want to read and run

[honeylulu]

Before this becomes a zombie I thought I'd update. Sister texted me this morning to say she'd dropped christening gift with my mum (who I'm visiting tomorrow). Buoyed up my mumsnetters and being time off for enabling her I replied and said (as part of the message):
"Do you still intend never to see us again? This has been on my mind a kit and I'm very sad about it. I thought we would have found a way round it by now and I'm still willing to try if you are. I love you and miss you. It's hard to keep your secret when everyone is asking about it. You have really hurt me by blanking us and we aren't the only ones who noticed. Up to you but the door is still open. If the answer is no I'll leave you alone."

After half an hour she replied. "Oh dear. I never wanted to hurt you. I think you know that but I'm still sorry it has happened. I didn't think I blanked you. I was just trying to keep distant which is my only way of coping. Who else has noticed?I very much appreciate you keeping my secret because it is shameful. I honestly don't know what will happen. I miss you as well.sometimes things happen that I would like to tell you about but then when I think about trying to resume things I just can't. It would be too painful. I hope I will get to feel better in time."
So no resolution. I have shed a tear but I'm glad I said how I felt.
Thanks for listening. Time to enjoy my lovely family, as you've encouraged me to do.

[starlight2007]

I think you need to respond to this and point out that you can't be expected to keep it any longer. She needs to find a way to deal with it ..I notice she wants to telly you things but not ask about you.

It sounds like you are still treading on eggshells for her. You are a enabling her to continue this ridiculous behaviour by pretending nothing is wrong... If you were open about it maybe your mum would tell her to grow up

[laurierf]

Who else has noticed?I very much appreciate you keeping my secret because it is shameful… it's very unfair on you that this seems to be a priority for her. She needs to get some counselling and I think you should be honest with your mum (you can do it in a nice and gentle way if you don't want to upset her) as maybe your parents could persuade her to get some help. At the very least, she could ask her DH to meet up with your family and allow your children to play together.

[sticklebrickstickle]

I think your message was good, well done on being so understanding. It sounds like your sister is really struggling, she must feel awful and like she can't talk to anybody about her 'shameful' feelings.

Her gender disappointment clearly runs very, very deep. I wonder if it could be a symptom of a wider problem, could she be depressed? I think she needs to talk to somebody (perhaps a professional) about her feelings, to realise her feelings are nothing to be ashamed of but that she does need to find a way to accept and love her family of boys as it is and to find a way to be happy for you and rekindle your previously close relationship.

I understand she has pushed you away and that this is hurtful for you but it sounds like she may be pushing you away at the time she needs you most, especially considering she hasn't been able to talk about her disappointment to anyone else. I would understand if you didn't feel able to or that she might refuse but perhaps it would be good to try and get together, just the two of you without the children/partners. I wonder if there is a way to reassure her what she feels is okay and not shameful but to see neither of you wants the other out of their life and that it's no way to live - she needs to seek help to come to terms with her feelings and that's okay and you'll support her through that but you're not ready to give up on her?

I do understand her behaviour has been hurtful to you and if you don't feel like you can be the one to support her or feel she won't accept it that is reasonable, but it really does sound like she is in a dark place right now.

[FenellaFellorick]

You know that message was basically just

oh crap, other people have noticed I am behaving like this? And they're talking about it? Don't tell them I'm being like this, protect me from the consequences of my actions. Pretend everything is ok so other people don't think anything of me.

[TendonQueen]

I would tell her that from now on you won't tell people exactly what it is but you also won't pretend it's fine. If people ask, you are going to say 'No, I haven't seen her in ages, she keeps blanking me and I'm very hurt and upset. Perhaps you should ask her what's going on'. Make it clear she will have to deal with people. I'd say this to your mum too.

[MissBattleaxe]

Her reply was mainly about what other people think, and no remorse really. Tell your Mum and get it out in the open. She is punishing you and your children for something which is not your fault and it's cruel and selfish.

What must her boys think that her longing for a girl has cut them off from members of their family? Nice. She's a fool if she thinks they haven't picked up on it.

[Clutterbugsmum]

After half an hour she replied. "Oh dear. I never wanted to hurt you. I think you know that but I'm still sorry it has happened. I didn't think I blanked you. I was just trying to keep distant which is my only way of coping. Who else has noticed?I very much appreciate you keeping my secret because it is shameful. I honestly don't know what will happen. I miss you as well.sometimes things happen that I would like to tell you about but then when I think about trying to resume things I just can't. It would be too painful. I hope I will get to feel better in time."

I think time to be honest with people if they ask. Your sister knows she is hurting you and more importantly your DD. She making your DD into a dirty little secret.

I'd be telling your mum to return the christening gift back to your sister as she clearly doesn't care about you and your family.

FWIW, My DS is the first boy to be born on both sides of our family for 30plus years.

[PerspicaciaTick]

How about replying something like

"I appreciate how difficult you have found coping, but the strategies you are using are hurting me and the rest of my family. I have given you time, but you don't appear to have sought counselling or done anything constructive. I cannot give you any more time and in future I intend to be open when people ask me about our relationship, for all our sakes. I miss you, but this cannot continue."

[whois]

Great response from PerspicaciaTick

He response as 100% self centred and worried about what ther people think of her, nothing about you.

[KERALA1]

Great response above. Strikes me this is a princess who has always got her own way. Awful that her main concern was not for you but for her image with others. Sorry she is your sister op I wouldn't make any further efforts and would be open about why she won't see you.

[NittyDora]

This is very sad, OP.
The fact that she is ashamed of her behaviour, as she should be, could be the key to repairing your relationship. Could a toned down version of 'I managed to keep my feelings in check when you had 2 sons and I was suffering repeated mcs, here's how I did it' help her to shake this off?
She should be ashamed, she's not behaving at all well.
It's not fair to ask you to suffer this hurt and to cover up for her. I think, if there is nothing more to this than mets the eye you WNBUR to tell her that you will confirm that she is blanking you when people ask. If you don't want to spill all the beans you could tell her that you will tell people that the reason for the split is her issue and she has asked you not disdiscuss it.
You sound lovely, OP. I hope this all works out for you.

[Sometimesjustonesecond]

Reading your updates I have no sympathy for her. All that's happened to her is that she hasn't given birth to a girl. Her child hasn't died or anything.

I truly think the time has come to tell her to get a fucking grip. I feel so sorry for her sons!

[NittyDora]

Cross posts with Miss Tick, that's a brilliant response. You've given her ample time to get this sorted and it's a testament to you that you're still trying to have a good relationship with her.

[MissBattleaxe]

What Perspicacia said. Don't put up with this any longer OP. If not for you, for all the children who are noticing. Just tell her its not your secret to keep for her anymore.

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

I wonder what it is that has happened that she cannot tell you. She is hurting. Tell her again that you love her and want to help.

[MissBattleaxe]

anotherday- you're a lot nicer than me! I'd have lost all sympathy over her self indulgence.

[tinkytot]

I have experienced this with my sister in law, who apparently cried when I had my first child, and never came to see either of my kids as a result. She has gone on to have two children but has never shown any interest in our children despite many attempts by me and hubbie to forge a relationship for the cousins sake.

My next door neighbour ignored my three day old son who was being held by his Dad when he answered the door and she stood there and told him to get the midwife to move her car from the driveway (we found out later she had wanted another baby and later did).

I am sympathetic that people feel upset if they long for a baby or a child of a particular gender but I do think it is very unkind to then behave like this to relatives or friends. It is NOT my fault.

I agree we have been led to believe that anything is possible and people expect to have what they want and sometimes need someone to blame or project that hurt on to.

I empathise with how this feels for you. You are not responsible for how she feels but you are able to choose how you respond to it.

I think keeping the door open is a good idea, it is a shame that your parents are not supporting you both equally (It seems this is how you feel?)

Perhaps in time you can reach a happy equilibrium. I found I am able to separate how I treat my nieces but find it difficult to deal with the fact their parents chose to ignore my kids (they are now 10 and 7 and the feelings have got easier).

It will get easier over time.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I once visited a dear friend who had very recently given birth at 20 weeks to a much wanted stillborn daughter .I had with me DD1(aged 4 and extremely cute) and DD2 (aged3m and as endearing as one might expect) .I had asked a mutual friend to ask her if it she would be ok with it.(I was staying with said mutual friend so could not leave DCs ) .She dealt with it with more grace and courage than I could have mustered. Indeed she seemed to enjoy cuddling the baby .
She and her DH went on to adopt .If having a DD was so very important to your SIS did she never consider it?
I would have loved a DS but after two miscarriages ,and aged 40, I was so very happy to have a second daughter .Why do women get so hung up on having girls?
Most of my friends are now grandmothers .I am desperate for a grandchild but it isn't going to happen soon .Do I shun my friends? And get upset when they show me pics?