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AIBU?

AIBU to feel let down over this?

30 replies

Dontloookbackinanger · 15/07/2015 18:26

DStep Sister is 26, 10 years younger than me, & we've always been close. Since I had my DS 2 years ago she's come round most weeks for a play and stayed for dinner. Occasionally I wish it would occur to her to bring a bottle of wine or pudding, but I enjoy having her (and DS adores her) and so don't really mind. Although I'm a SAHM and on a tight budget so sometimes it's a bit of a struggle.

At the beginning of the year I asked if she'd babysit on 2 occasions this year, she readily agreed & I gave her the dates. I've reminded her periodically since then. As I have no childcare I very rarely go out.

Last month she told me she now can't do the September date as she's mistakenly double booked herself. I was hurt and upset as it's a very good friend's wedding who I've known for 18 years, and now DH can't go. I told her this and she just said sorry she couldn't change her plans.

The other date is tomorrow and she was due to work from my house (she works from home 1 day a week). She just called me to say she doesnt think she can do that now. She's worked from home to visit her boyfriend all last week & her boss is now not happy about tomorrow. So we have tickets for a concert and now 1 of us can't go. It would have been my 1st evening out alone with DH this year as he works away a lot. I had hairdresser booked (haven't been able to go for months) and was so so looking forward to it.

I know it's not the end of the world and I still love her and don't want to fall out with her, but AIBU to feel really let down.

OP posts:

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Fatmomma99 · 15/07/2015 23:26

There was a poster upthread with an odd name - squeakysquirrel or something. I liked that post.

But a lot of good stuff here. I understand why it's hard for you to leave your child if he gets upset. I TOTALLY understand your disappointment. I was going to recommend cutting back on the meals, until I read whois's post, and I think he/she makes a good point there.

But every poster who's told you to tell your DSS that you're upset and why is right. In a non-aggressive way. But you really should express your opinions plainly and calmly, and let her know how you feel, including your disappointment and hurt and ABSOLUTELY about how you regularly feed her, which you felt was in some way a quid-pro-quo for the babysits - it's not like you're asking her every Saturday night so you can go to the pub! It won't help for this, but it might for the future.

And I do agree that people without children are hideously unthinking about what it's like for those of us who do have, and how we value and plan and treasure time off. But at the end of the day, they don't have children and we do, so ha ha ha. Cos mostly having a child is amazing, and they don't know that, do they!

stickystick · 15/07/2015 23:16

Get a professional sitter. It's a special occasion, it's a one off. If you're in London, use the agency Sitters - their babysitters are not young things who will be frightened off by a tantrum, but all are professional childcarers: nursery nurses, nannies, teachers etc. Children often behave much better with professionals than they do with parents or close family. If your flaky relative could have handled your child, then an experienced nanny or nursery nurse will be able to.

chinam · 15/07/2015 21:53

Her age is no excuse. You make a comittment, you stick to it.

MatildaTheCat · 15/07/2015 21:52

YANBU. However, is your sensitive dc perhaps a bit of a scary proposition? I say this as a parent of a very highly strung ds who was frankly a nightmare to babysit even with those he knew well.

If this is not the case then tell her straight, she's your sister ffs!

Sorry about your plans. It's very hard.

whois · 15/07/2015 21:30

Yeah that's really annoying especially with the late notice.

On the not bringing a bottle of wine thing I wouldn't let that wind you up. She is making the effort to come and visit you, and see your kid, maintaining/developing that relationship. I can't see you being happy to trog out to meet her at a restaurant or at her house?! Or just text asking if she can pick up a bottle if she wants wine as you haven't got any in.

youareallbonkers · 15/07/2015 21:25

Looking after your kids isn't her responsibility. If you want reliable childcare pay for it.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2015 21:22

Exactly, don't ask her again to babysit, she is unreliable and flakey. She is 26, not 16, an adult who should know better. That would put me off her, I would not be as a available to her or keep a bit of a distance.

DJThreeDog · 15/07/2015 20:29

I don't think her age is an excuse either! She's an adult and she has fucked up your plans.

Dontloookbackinanger · 15/07/2015 20:24

Sorry to drip feed - her boss doesn't know she'd be working from mine.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 15/07/2015 20:24

YANBU. Her age and being childless has fuck all to do with it.

I was babysitting my youngest sibling from the age of 15, I got it, it isn't difficult to comprehend that when someone asks you to babysit and makes plans then they are relying on you.

I'd have to spell it out to her how much this has impacted on your plans. I know it's petty but I'd also be less accommodating over feeding her once a week when she never offers to reciprocate.

missymayhemsmum · 15/07/2015 20:12

Understandable to be upset, but can't blame her boss for thinking looking after your child is not 'working from home' and can't blame her for not jeopardiisng her job, tbh.

Sighing · 15/07/2015 19:21

She is unreliable. I'd let the dust settle on this - but she's letting that spill into her working life. I'd mention she needs to improve that for her own good. 26 is too old to not know how to be reliable, so it's her.

Dontloookbackinanger · 15/07/2015 19:10

On the working from home - the plan was that DSS would arrive at mine at lunchtime. I would give DS lunch and then put him down for nap & go to hairdressers. I'd then come back & get DS up and take him out, then get back and prep his dinner, leave at 5pm and put him in front of telly for 30 mins whilst she finished work. She'd then be free to feed him dinner and play with him.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/07/2015 19:00

Have you told her what you have said here?

DoreenLethal · 15/07/2015 18:59

Working from home and looking after a child; she can't do both anyway. If she is looking after a child, she isn't working.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2015 18:55

I hate this unreliability in folk. YANBU. She was only expected to babysit twice and is letting you down both times. Especially letting you down for friend's wedding as she's had plenty of notice. It's cheeky.

PageNotFound404 · 15/07/2015 18:55

It shouldn't matter how old she is. She made a commitment and she should stick to it. 26 isn't a feckless teenager. Keeping your word, whatever it is you've promised to do, isn't something that only parents are capable of.

YANBU, OP.

Anon4Now2015 · 15/07/2015 18:54

I take DS to play groups every day. But I'm in central London and it's not so easy to make babysitting type friends. It's mostly nannys there who we chat to & they already have babysitting responsibilities/ value their time off.

It's probably too late for tomorrow now, but why don't you explain the circumstances with the wedding to some of the nannies and ask if one of them would be willing to babysit? Given the circumstances they may well be happy to help (and earn a bit extra)

marujadelujo · 15/07/2015 18:54

YANBU. And I don't understand how anyone can entertain the idea that being 26 and not a parent is an excuse or a reason for such behaviour. It's not.

Dontloookbackinanger · 15/07/2015 18:50

Thanks for all the messages. It really helps to know I'm not going mad.

I take DS to play groups every day. But I'm in central London and it's not so easy to make babysitting type friends. It's mostly nannys there who we chat to & they already have babysitting responsibilities/ value their time off.

OP posts:

happygirl87 · 15/07/2015 18:49

I'm (just) 28, no kids but am a step mum and a godmother. No way would I let someone down like this! Mind you, I also wouldn't say I was working from home if I was in sole charge of a 2 yr old...

BettyCatKitten · 15/07/2015 18:48

Yanbu, unreliable people are a pet hate of mine.

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Alisvolatpropiis · 15/07/2015 18:45

Yanbu

It's not her age. I'm 26 and only very recently a parent. I was still aware of how rude it is to dick people about and let them down before I birthed my own child. It's basic manners.

SquinkiesRule · 15/07/2015 18:44

You do need to explain all this to her, she really doesn't get it and needs to grow up a bit and take responsibility for her time, she had these dates well in advance and has let you down badly. No need to feel like you have to protect her feelings, she hasn't thought about yours.
It doesn't mean you don't still love her and she needs to know this.

SycamoreMum · 15/07/2015 18:44

Oh thats just annoying but obviously shes 26. Shes not thinking 'oh no cant do that; babysitting!' Bit crappy for you though but now would be the time to make more friends, you and DS and go to play groups so he loosens up and has play dates. Then you may have extra hands for babysitting.

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