To be angry at friends who had 'emotional affair'?

[TellmeifIABU]

A few years ago, two people in our social circle had an 'emotional affair' (at least, as far as I know, it never became physical). It definitely happened: the female party to the EA (who was single at the time but is now remarried) showed me several of the text messages she'd received from the male, and confided in me and several other people. So it's not in dispute that it happened.

I really struggled with this at the time as the emotionally 'cuckolded' wife was (still is) a close friend. I told the EA couple several times that they had to stop otherwise I'd tell the wife because I hated what they were doing to her, and after a few months it fizzled out (though I cannot be sure if the female in the EA just stopped telling me about it as she didn't want me to tell the wife). Wife was/is very insecure, very jealous and very possessive. She's suspected her husband of fancying other women, but oddly never suspected the EA woman (presumably because EA female was/a good friend of hers).

Flash forward a few years: EA woman is now married to a man she met around about the time the EA fizzled out (I suspect that meeting him was a catalyst in the fizzling out). However, over the last year or so the four of them (EA woman & husband [who knows about the EA] / EA man & wife [who, as far as I know, does not know about the EA]) have become almost inseparable. They seem to spend every weekend together, are talking about taking holidays together, spend several evenings a week at each others houses.

It makes me really uncomfortable. At best, it's definitely over, but while they're all having a 'great' time together 3 of them are engaged in a secret that the fourth (the wife) knows nothing about and would be devastated by. Worst case scenario, the EA couple are 'at it' again (or perhaps always were) and are using this huge amount of time together to carry on the EA in plain sight.

I know, I know, it's none of my business, but the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU to be angry about this, on behalf of my poor friend who (presumably) knows nothing about it?

(NC-ed because my usual username posts contain details of my occupation which would possible out me)

[FeedYourselfSmiles]

I utterly judge people who have affairs. I don't care. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, because it was deliberate, done to me. YANBU.

[Gabilan]

I care about my friends. Am I "invested" in their relationships? Well I want them to be happy and hate the idea of them being betrayed. So yes, I would be concerned if I thought a friend's partner was cheating on them.

The thing is in this instance I'm not sure if any cheating is going on, thus I'd be inclined to watch and wait, rather than attempt any interference.

[Yarp]

I don't think the OP is trying to police anyone, she's just struggling with her emotional reaction to what's going on.

I'd distance myself. It would make me uncomfortable too.

[Myname15]

As already been said, you're getting an undeservedly hard time over caring about your friend, and made it perfectly clear you've no intention of getting involved. Yanbu at being angry, and I also would feel uncomfortable and stressed about it. Lyingwitchinwardrobe has best advice I say.you've done what you can, just be there for your mate if and when the shit hits the fan

[Yarp]

Does invested = care?

[Back2Two]

I totally agree with myname and lyingwitch
I can see where you're coming from OP and (if they were close friends) I would feel compromised and in a difficult position too

[eggyface]

yup, swinging. but yanbu you are in a tricky position. might have to just distance yourself.

[Hoobles]

Erm some way OTT responses on here from the usual suspects.

No OP, you're NBU to be angry, but there's probably nothing practical you can do about it. I suspect if the two of them wanted to be together they probably would be by now. If there's anything going on, the woman involved would probably know by now - it'd be too hard to hide.

[buttonmoonboots]

I really don't get why you are angry.

Disapproval? Fine. But anger? Why?

[DragonsCanHop]

Add message | Report | Message poster FeedYourselfSmiles Tue 14-Jul-15 19:49:32
I utterly judge people who have affairs. I don't care. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, because it was deliberate, done to me. YANBU.

^ completely agree.

[buttonmoonboots]

Right but to be angry with them is projecting really. They didn't cheat on you, did they?

[TheChandler]

The OP doesn't know or have any evidence that anything untoward is going on. And the previous contact was pretty mild, as emotional affairs go (as far as she knows). It could be perfectly innocent. They could have some shared mutual interest, like cooking. Or they could be swingers.

The mind boggles if its the latter and the OP tackles them. What would she say? "I don't think you should all be friends any more because a few years back EA woman sent some naughty texts to EA man, and I'm angry and suspicious that you're all getting up to something".

Or maybe she would warn wife of EA man and the poor woman could become even more neurotic than the OP depicts her as currently.

Agreed that the OP does seem very angry about it all (and in her earlier response to me). I detect a strong dislike of EA woman.

People have affairs, cheat, split up, divorce, etc. - theres no laws stopping any of it. I'd tend to think if this couple were going to split up, they would have done so by now, so its probably a more complex dynamic than the OP realises.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Where are you seeing 'anger'? I'm reading frustration and OP idly musing about the horrid situation she has been put in.

This thread is a bit bonkers, so many posters seem to be having a pop at the OP who has done absolutely nothing wrong and would just like to talk about the situation. Honestly, can you not lay off her a bit? If you don't have any support or a kind word to offer, maybe go and start a spat somewhere else.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

... and yes, I know she said 'angry' in the title but those who can read between the lines should be able to discern that OP's quite upset about this.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

If you have a real problem knowing things about a friend that they don't know, tell them. If you're not going to, its all a bit navel gazing and unhelpful.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Hmm. You don't know what's going on between the four of them, do you? It might all be mix and match.

[zebredee]

OP I think you have had lots of harsh responses and sound like a caring friend. You're not judging the people involved just the fact you have to hide it from a friend when you know about it and your concern makes you a decent person especially as you say you don't plan to get involved.

Maybe hang out with some different people for a while, these things tend to come out anyway.

[antimatter]

Posting this kind of question in AIBU section instead of Relationships is ofter unfortunately bringing uncaring responses.
I think I would contact MN to move this thread over to Relationships where you are likely to get different type of responses.

[youareallbonkers]

This is just jealousy isn't it? You don't want them to be a close group without you so want our approval to do something

[Yarp]

Yes, because we are all 5 years old

[Tequilashotfor1]

Some posters nasty responses really show where there mind is at!

[Balaboosta]

I think they're swinging too. I hope they. It's lovely when people find ways to have fun together. You can never really understand other people's sex lives. Back off and chill out.

[BathtimeFunkster]

You loyalty here is to your friend.

Sod the rest of them.

Try to distance yourself from the foursome, and spend more time with her one on one.

If she is generally jealous, then that's because she has good reason to be.

It's likely that her suspicions have been on the money before, but she's been convinced she was paranoid.

I think you have every reason to worry about her. And I'm not surprised you are angry at people who are treating her badly.

In some ways it's a shame you helped to cover up the affair you knew about. It will make it harder to tell her what happened should you ever feel the need.

I wouldn't presume that you are going to continue to do nothing. I would move forward with the intention of being her friend, and taking her side.

It sounds like she needs someone there.