To wonder if a friendship has to end in these circumstances

[holmes97]

(Namechanged.)

I cannot stand my friends abusive husband and the feeling is reciporacted, made obvious by sly digs and various unpleasant comments to me and about me.

I'm thick-skinned but it does get to me.

I certainly don't want to abandon DF but is it reasonable to conclude enough is enough and leave her/them to it, or not?

It is always good to nickname, it gives you power over him by reminding yourself what he truly is. Try not to feel annoyance with yourself, most people would feel exactly the same way. It is normal to feel uncomfortable, upset or annoyed when poked and jibed. Just reassure yourself of what he is, his jibes are to separate you from your friend and to exert his bullying over you too. By ignoring or refusing to see, you set things back to the way they should be with he as nothing but shit.

I think I would look at him with utter contempt and say something along the lines 'it is so sad that a grown man has to behave in such an abusive manner' 'you really are an abusive pile of shit arnt you But then I really think people like him need to be stood up to. I have no time for bullies. If a person is behaving badly then in my eyes it is fair game to call them out on this behaviour.

He wants you to isolate her. That would make me dig my heels in and i would repeatedly make sure she knows about any & every escape route, that she is worth more & that I'd help. His undermining her daily will have made her think there is no way out, no-one else would want her and she will think she now isnt 'strong enough' to be 'alone' (even tho she would be, but with friends help).

I've done this for a friend. She was so ground down mentally that a lot of the options & routes out she genuinely hadn't even thought of in her turmoil. All it took was one friend saying, look, the rented house is in your name, he only stays here when one of his women arent around: change the locks, take out an injunction if he comes back. I then 'loaned' her my German Shepherd for 2weeks. He did come round but one look at the dog who sussed him straight away & did her 'scary guard dog' impression, and he made speedy retreat and that was that. Please dont abandon her. It only takes 1 person sometimes to be that lifeline.

Try to keep contact with her if you can. About 15 years ago I lost contact with an old schoolfriend because her husband was deliberately isolating her. Back then I wasn't as aware as I am now of exactly what he might be up to and why. If I could, I would do things differently. I still wonder how she is now.

But, look after yourself first. So agree with PP, keep contact with him to a minimum.

Please don't leave her alone with him.

My Best Friend(we've been friends for 36 years next month)was married to a really horrible bastard and I hated him and so did my DH and her then shit bag husband knew it.

One evening he smashed up her apartment and assaulted her.

My DH is a Police Officer,he went straight round the apartment,we sat with her whilst she made her statements and we helped her clean her place up.

Honestly it was a miracle her didn't kill her,he'd kicked her and pushed her down a flight of concrete stairs!

Every time she wanted to talk I listened,I got smart and learned not to slag him off to her face,so if they made up she wouldn't remember what I'd said and worry about telling me that they were back together again.They're relationship was very up and down and on and off because of him.

I worked on her,I helped build her confidence up,she spent a lot of time with us and our 5DC and I got her back in touch with our old friends and eventually a guy that used to like her.

She had already kicked him out when the assault happened.He was supposed to be picking his stuff up,she thought she'd be safe,she wasn't but thank God she survived the attack.

She got an injunction against him and divorced him.She dated the other guy for a little while and had some fun.Now she's getting married again this time to an EX Marine that is so protective of her and would never lay a finger on her.If your friend means as much to you as mine does to me,play the long game OP,when she's left the bastard and is happy again she will thank you for always being there for her.