To wonder if a friendship has to end in these circumstances

[holmes97]

(Namechanged.)

I cannot stand my friends abusive husband and the feeling is reciporacted, made obvious by sly digs and various unpleasant comments to me and about me.

I'm thick-skinned but it does get to me.

I certainly don't want to abandon DF but is it reasonable to conclude enough is enough and leave her/them to it, or not?

[ohtheholidays]

Please don't leave her alone with him.

My Best Friend(we've been friends for 36 years next month)was married to a really horrible bastard and I hated him and so did my DH and her then shit bag husband knew it.

One evening he smashed up her apartment and assaulted her.

My DH is a Police Officer,he went straight round the apartment,we sat with her whilst she made her statements and we helped her clean her place up.

Honestly it was a miracle her didn't kill her,he'd kicked her and pushed her down a flight of concrete stairs!

Every time she wanted to talk I listened,I got smart and learned not to slag him off to her face,so if they made up she wouldn't remember what I'd said and worry about telling me that they were back together again.They're relationship was very up and down and on and off because of him.

I worked on her,I helped build her confidence up,she spent a lot of time with us and our 5DC and I got her back in touch with our old friends and eventually a guy that used to like her.

She had already kicked him out when the assault happened.He was supposed to be picking his stuff up,she thought she'd be safe,she wasn't but thank God she survived the attack.

She got an injunction against him and divorced him.She dated the other guy for a little while and had some fun.Now she's getting married again this time to an EX Marine that is so protective of her and would never lay a finger on her.If your friend means as much to you as mine does to me,play the long game OP,when she's left the bastard and is happy again she will thank you for always being there for her.

[Gabilan]

Try to keep contact with her if you can. About 15 years ago I lost contact with an old schoolfriend because her husband was deliberately isolating her. Back then I wasn't as aware as I am now of exactly what he might be up to and why. If I could, I would do things differently. I still wonder how she is now.

But, look after yourself first. So agree with PP, keep contact with him to a minimum.

[Sazzle41]

He wants you to isolate her. That would make me dig my heels in and i would repeatedly make sure she knows about any & every escape route, that she is worth more & that I'd help. His undermining her daily will have made her think there is no way out, no-one else would want her and she will think she now isnt 'strong enough' to be 'alone' (even tho she would be, but with friends help).

I've done this for a friend. She was so ground down mentally that a lot of the options & routes out she genuinely hadn't even thought of in her turmoil. All it took was one friend saying, look, the rented house is in your name, he only stays here when one of his women arent around: change the locks, take out an injunction if he comes back. I then 'loaned' her my German Shepherd for 2weeks. He did come round but one look at the dog who sussed him straight away & did her 'scary guard dog' impression, and he made speedy retreat and that was that. Please dont abandon her. It only takes 1 person sometimes to be that lifeline.

[Sammasati]

I think I would look at him with utter contempt and say something along the lines 'it is so sad that a grown man has to behave in such an abusive manner' 'you really are an abusive pile of shit arnt you But then I really think people like him need to be stood up to. I have no time for bullies. If a person is behaving badly then in my eyes it is fair game to call them out on this behaviour.

[MasterchefIwish]

It is always good to nickname, it gives you power over him by reminding yourself what he truly is. Try not to feel annoyance with yourself, most people would feel exactly the same way. It is normal to feel uncomfortable, upset or annoyed when poked and jibed. Just reassure yourself of what he is, his jibes are to separate you from your friend and to exert his bullying over you too. By ignoring or refusing to see, you set things back to the way they should be with he as nothing but shit.

[Momagain1]

You have to find a level of contact you can bear. I would hope it isnt quite zero, that at least through cards and social media she knows she can find you if she needs to and knows you are willing to be found. But you can limit contact and avoid him or feeling like a risky secret.

I hope you dont just drift off though, tell her out right that you can't bear taking part in her life in this way, and intend to stand off at the level of mail and electronic contact so long as he is in her life. She may reject that and ignore you, but hopefully, you wont hold that against her if she ever reaches out.

(I hope a lot from you, that I am not positive I could manage, under the circumstances!)

[RoboticSealpup]

I too have a friend whose partner is emotionally abusive. I've said to her that I don't want to see him and she knows that I think she should leave him, but I make sure to keep in touch with her and invite her to come over by herself. I sometimes wonder if this is the right thing to do, but I also wonder what kind of friend I would be if I just went along with her fantasy that their relationship is OK? Because I feel like that's what I would be doing if I treated him like a friend when I think he's being an absolute bastard.

[QuestioningStuff]

It's most likely that he's targeting you because he knows you see him for what he is and he's trying to seperate you from her. Take it as a huge compliment.

You are not unreasonable at all to not want to be around him and I apologise if I didn't get that across in my previous replies. I would ensure you see her on her own and ensure she knows why.

[holmes97]

Thanks - I may nickname him 'the shit beneath my shoe' a very apt summary of who he is and what he represents.

Comments he makes are almost so sly as to be considered innocuous but they do hurt me, then the annoyance I feel with myself for having let him hurt me.

[MasterchefIwish]

I don't think a friendship has to end, but it does end up changing. So long as your friend knows you are always there for her and that you will take her side always then it's still a friendship. Hopefully, she will one day see what this man is like and know she can call on you.

[MasterchefIwish]

I would chose to still spend time with her but not with him. Go out the house with her or have her over to yours. Be honest with her, tell her you love her and will always be there to support her, that if ever she needs you-even if she feels completely alone- to text and you will be there. But that you can't condone how her husband acts by pretending he's not abusive, nor can you ignore his subtle digs and comments.

If you have to be near him, as in around other mutual friends then I would make it clear to close other friends with the same worries just how you've been and what comments this man makes to you. I'd be civil but very cool and yes, I'd use 'did you mean to be so rude' or to be honest I'd more likely ignore him completely. After all he is the shit beneath your shoe, his opinion matters not.

[HootyMcTooty]

I think if you have come to the end of your tether then you have every right to remove yourself from the situation, though you should tell your friend why and explain that you will always be there for her if she leaves him.

If you don't want to walk away you could always try challenging him on his sly digs. MN phrase "did you mean to be so rude" should do the trick.

[holmes97]

I have had some three years of contending with him, admittedly not frequently or for long periods, but just the same his comments are hurtful.

I didn't choose to be with him; she did.

[QuestioningStuff]

Where did I blame the OP?!

[NRomanoff]

I am sorry, trying to blame the Op for the whatever the outcome is ridiculous. If you blamed the Df it would be called victim blaming. That's not on, neither is blaming the OP.

There is no right answer here unfortunately.

[holmes97]

She's been married to him for ten years, perhaps a little longer.

[QuestioningStuff]

Yes but you need to remember if she is in an abusive relationship she won't be herself right now. I do understand how frustrating it is from the outside. But it's much worse from the inside.

[holmes97]

Very sensible post and advice scribblegirl. Thank you.

[scribblegirl]

I think the appropriate thing here is to model good behaviour. So letting your friend know that you are absolutely here for her and that you support her entirely, but that you will not spend time with someone who belittles you.

I have had a similar problem with a good friend whose DP repeatedly cheated on her and used prostitutes. She keeps taking him back but I have essentially said that to have any form of relationship with him would feel like I was supporting/condoning his behaviour. That doesn't prevent me from spending time with her, though.

[holmes97]

QuestioningStuff - that implies that if that does happen it will solely be my fault which is somewhat unfair.

There are two people making active choices in that relationship and I see she chooses to stay with him but that's still a choice she is exercising.

[QuestioningStuff]

I have been in a few abusive relationships and have had a good friend be in one too.

With my friend I made it clear that I wouldn't put myself in a position where I was uncomfortable/being bullied so if I was to see her it needed to be without him. I told her I loved her and I was there for her and whatever decisions she made about her relationship were up to her. It did mean we were more distant for a while but now she has left him we are good friends again.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to not want to be around him and put up with his remarks. My abusive exP was great at cutting me off from my friends. He made them the enemy. Now that we've broken up I have nobody. If you don't mind that happening to your friend then by all means cut her off but it's likely there will come a day when she needs you.

[holmes97]

I can and for the most part do, but that can also end up backfiring, as I know she lies about where she has been and who she has been with which does make me feel as if I'm in the midst of an affair!

[BlinkAndMiss]

Don't abandon your friendship, can't you just see her without him? I rarely see my friends' husbands - we socialise without them.

[gamerwidow]

I think it depends on whether you can keep pretending his behaviour is ok or not. I am currently not speaking to my sister because I do not accept her abusive partner and I made the mistake of telling her exactly what I thought of him instead of pretending I was ok with it the last time she went back to him after he treated her like shit (again)
In retrospect this wasn't the best thing to do my part because now his got her isolated which is what he wanted but watching someone you love be so unhappy while you do nothing takes a toll.
I hope you can continue to be there for your friend but it is hard and would be understandable if her inability to see that she is being abused led to the friendship breaking down.

[QuiteLikely5]

So does she not realise what he is doing to you then?

Does she know he is abusive?

You do know that if you end your friendship he will feel quite triumphant and smug?