About PFB visiting family overseas?

[Solasum]

DS is 18mo and I have never left him overnight. So far he has come with me on a few business trips, which has worked fine. Paternal family live abroad, and we see each other about 5 times a year, and are just about to go away on holiday with them for a week.

The GPs want to take him away by themselves for a week or two. DP has also been asking when he can take DS away for a week (he has loads of time off in lieu to take after multiple business trips).

I just don't want it to happen yet.

With the GPs this is because they are essentially strangers to DS, their health is not great, and they don't speak English at all. We do speak both languages at home, but DS is still essentially nonverbal, and the few words he does have are in English, and obviously he hears more English day to day.

With DP, none of the above apply.

I just cannot see myself wanting to let him go away for so long without me until he is about school age. A night or two would be one thing, but it would have to be longer. My feeling is he has the rest of his life to go away with his family, but for now he is better off with me.

DP says he feels hurt I don't trust him to look after DS properly, and that I have to let DS grow up.

So, AIBU?

[reni1]

Let D's grow up?! He's a baby. Yanbu. Do can do days out or a holiday for you all, GP can ask again in 4 year's time at the earliest.

[reni1]

Ds. Silly autocorrect.

[reni1]

Dp not Do

[anon33]

YANBU to not want DS to go away for a week, I certainly wouldn't have at that age.

However is this a norm in your husband's culture? If so he is NBU to want to take him. I have friends from differing parts of the world where the father will take the child to see inlaws and stay for a month or two. This is not unusual for them and they do not consider that the mother has the exclusive "role" for the child.

If you have taken DS alone on trips then I can see that your husband finds you unreasonable for not allowing DS to go with him.

[Thurlow]

YANBU about the grandparents. He's very young and if he's still not very good in their shared language, that's quite a big deal.

However I think YABU about your DP. I can completely understand not wanting to be apart for that long, worrying about being a lot distance away and all that. But this is his dad you're on about. His wishes are just as valid and as important as your wishes, so his desire to take his son to see his parents is as valid as your wishes for him not to.

So you need, as a couple, to find a compromise, whether it's for a short weekend trip away first, or you go for the weekend and then leave them there for the rest of the week.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

If you have taken DS alone on trips then I can see that your husband finds you unreasonable for not allowing DS to go with him
^^
This.

I see no reason for your DP not to take time off to visit his parents with his child. To refuse to allow it is completely unreasonable. Yes of course you will miss your DC but presumably your partner does too when you travel with your DC for work.

Leaving an 18 month in the sole care of elderly and unwell grandparents who don't speak his current first language is unreasonable especially as he is non-verbal.

[Thurlow]

I missed that bit, that you have taken your DS away. In that case you are being U. Did you not think your DP might have missed your DS then?

[Solasum]

When DS came on business trips, DP also came (same industry).

I have additionally taken DS on two 3 night breaks within the UK, which DP could not come on because he was working. He was not deliberately excluded. I would have preferred to go together.

It seems IABU over DP though, so I will take that on board.

[Solasum]

I think also that my missing DS and DP missing him are different. DP chooses to go away on holidays with his friends without DS, whereas I choose to spend all my holiday with him. It is just a different approach I suppose.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

If it's Europe, why don't you compromise and get your DP to meet his parents somewhere for a week [gulp or even two] in a location where you can fly out for the weekend after work on Friday and fly home together?

[NRomanoff]

But you can't all go together because you don't have enough annual leave, you said it yourself.

You missing him and so missing him is the same. Just because he chooses to go away, doesn't mean he misses him less than you would.

[ohhello]

Yanbu, he's still so little.

[nikinaki]

I agree with NRomanof. Just because you choose to spend all your holiday time with your DS. doesn't mean that he misses him any less, and anyway, you haven't let him take DS so he can't. I think a compromise to start with, maybe a week or 5 days?

[lalalonglegs]

I don't understand why your partner can't take your son for a week to his parents' home - are they insisting that they have to have sole care of him? That would be a bit unreasonable but a week with his dad and his grandparents in wherever they live in Europe, seems reasonable to me. Three adults all fussing over him means it is extremely unlikely anything will happen to him and, if their health isn't great, perhaps they won't be able to have him to stay when he is old enough.

If your partner's family are from southern Europe, ime having the grandchildren to stay for several nights at a stretch is completely normal, often an expectation on the part of the parents, so they may not understand your reluctance.