to not know if im oversensitive?

[sbear22]

I have always been told that I'm 'over sensitive'. If something has upset me, DM tends to laugh and say I need to toughen up and stop being so sensitive. I know I'm fairly emotional but don't know whether it's too much or I'm just normal.
For some background here, DM and DB made fun of me in a certain way for years and years (even when I moved out it didn't stop). Last year I realised how much the teasing upset me, and that it was not okay and I told them enough was enough. Of course I got laughed at and told to stop being over sensitive. In the heat of the moment I snapped back 'If you need to tell me I'm over sensitive, then you're being over offensive. Calling someone over sensitive is how bullies justify their behaviour to themselves.' This was met with silence and I just went home. Although I never got an apology this seemed to work and they haven't done it since.
Yesterday, DM made a comment about how much I was eating at my birthday meal. I am 22wks pregnant and I have always struggled with my weight, so having to gain weight is quite emotionally straining for me, although logically I know that I am supposed to gain weight with pregnancy. I just got up and went to the loo, and had myself a little cry. I did not tell her that she'd upset me, I knew it wasn't meant offensively, but I could not help but feel upset. I had no plans to tell her I was upset by the comment, I just needed to have my little cry and be done with it. She followed me to the loo, obviously having noticed that I was upset, and started shouting over the cubicle to stop being so ridiculous and over sensitive. I told her that shouting at me was not helping. She then kept saying to me all day 'are you in a mood with me' which was annoying. Now she's off with me and I think she's expecting me to apologise for getting upset.
I feel that if she'd followed me and just said 'Sorry spiderwoman I didn't mean to upset you' then it would have been ok, even if she'd not followed me and shouted at all this would have been fine. But she seems to think I'm in the wrong because I am too sensitive and get upset too easily.
AIBU to think I was not in the wrong? AIBU to think calling someone 'over sensitive' is justifying being 'over offensive'? Am I just over sensitive?

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

I believe the absolute opposite, JohnCusacksWife. There are plenty of people throughout my dcs lives who might be thoughtless, harsh or critical. Why would I, their mother, choose to be that way towards them too?

Because I'm supportive (indulging?) and take care not to dismiss or invalidate their feelings, they know they can be open and honest with me, without judgement. They know they can cry on my shoulder and i won't mock them or tell them to 'toughen up'. They have the confidence to take on the world as a consequence and aren't flustered by other peoples opinions

I don't believe confidence can be forced, I believe it has to be nurtured.

[JohnCusacksWife]

There are plenty of people throughout my dcs lives who might be thoughtless, harsh or critical. Why would I, their mother, choose to be that way towards them too?

Wow! Where did I say I was harsh, thoughtless or mocking of my DD. I said that she sometimes can't handle anything which she interprets as critical of her and can over react massively as a result. That is not a character trait that is going to do her any favours in later life.

As an example, the other day she was practising a poem for a Burns competition at school. She did very well and I told her so but added that she should slow down just a bit as she was rushing through it. She immediately latched on to that single piece of constructive criticism and flew off the handle, yelling about me thinking she was rubbish! That is not behaviour to be indulged, imo.

[kaykayred]

Hmm.

It's really a tough one.

I think a lot of the time, something that we wouldn't get upset about coming from one person, will be really upsetting coming from someone else.

I think a lot of this might have to do with the fact that your DM used to tease you a lot when you were younger. Teasing is okay, but when you are the butt of everyone else's jokes in the house it stops getting funny pretty quickly. Even if it stops, you're still "overly" sensitive to their comments because of the history behind it.

I had a similar issue in my family when I was younger, and to this day I get very, very pissed off if those family members take the piss out of me now, even on rare occasion. Because you've already put up with so much, why would you put up with anything else?

I think the best solution is to get angry, rather than getting upset (which is always easier said than done). Getting angry people see as at least you standing up for yourself, and challenging them, rather than hiding and crying, which is seen as pathetic and weak (not saying it's true, it's just generally how it's interpreted).

So if you were to say to your mother "Well, I'm meant to be gaining weight as I've got a baby inside of me. What's your excuse?" she is more likely to back down than follow you/get irritated with you.

But as I said, I know it's tough.

[manchestermummy]

I was teased, taunted and bullied at school. Mostly for being fat, but also for wearing the 'wrong' clothes, glasses, not sporty, you name it. Whenever I tried to tell the teachers, all I ever got was "You are too sensitive, toughen up" and noone helped me.

I am being subjected to some unpleasant behaviour in an area of my life now. I am not over sensitive at all and the problems lie not with me, but with someone else.

YANBU.

[WorraLiberty]

I agree JohnCusacksWife. There is sometimes a fine line between support and indulgence.

You do have to gently encourage them to be less sensitive sometimes, in order to prepare them for life. It would be irresponsible not to imo.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

It doesn't read to me as though you're being oversensitive about the comments that are being made to you about you OP.

She can't refuse to acknowledge your feelings and how her comments make you feel.

You could talk to her and say "I feel sad/unhappy/depressed/angry/whatever when you comment on my XXX (whatever it is that she comments on)". Tell her that you feel her comments are hurtful and not helpful.

Don't elaborate. You're entitled to feel how you feel. Tell her that too "Mum, I'm entitled to feel how I do about what you say to me". Don't raise your voice to her and talk to her like she not your mother (de-personalising the conversation might help you not become emotional throughout the conversation).

Best of luck to you on whatever you decide to do next.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

Wow! Where did I say I was harsh, thoughtless or mocking of my DD.

You didn't and neither did I

[sbear22]

thanks all. I would say that invalidating the feelings of your child all the time in order to 'toughen them up' just doesn't work. If it's genuinely nothing to get upset over, you should maybe try and help them to realise for themselves that it wasn't anything to get upset over.