Iwbu, feeling terrible about letting dd down [sad]

[Mintyy]

Mil and I rub along ok although we have nothing whatsoever in common, apart from loving her ds/my dh.

We were there at Christmas for three days. Dh and I helped with a lot of food prep and washing up, but Mil only asked the children for help twice. One time was to lay the table for Christmas dinner and the other time was on Boxing Day when she asked one of the children to help her make a crumble for pudding.

We have a dd and a ds, and mil specifically asked (as in by name) dd to help on both those occasions.

I feel SHIT that I didn't challenge her on this!!

Its ok, Iabu, I do know. Am just having a vent.

[FoxgloveFairy]

I don't think you let your daughter down- bit hard on yourself there. Generally, do you expect as much of both your kids at home? Not divide chores along gender lines? If so, this will be the general message your kids will get. Have the conversation when relevant about old perceptions of such things.

[Andcake]

I understand the sexism it's part of society. I would just make sure it doesn't happen again.

[Mintyy]

At home I am scrupulous about dividing domestic chores equally.

It was a do I pipe up and cause an atmosphere or shut up situation.

I definitely made the wrong call and won't do it again, this is my promise here and now.

Can only hope dd didn't notice.

[pictish]

Well seeing as you are scrupulous about divvying up chores at home, I think you can stop agonising over this. Your kids won't even remember it.

[Mintyy]

I feel a lily-livered hypocrite who would choose peace with her mil over making.a.point Pictish.

Spect I'll get over it in a couple of years.

And yet mil wonders why we aren't "closer". Perhaps I should give her a few examples?

[FlouncyMcFlouncer]

Jeez, some people just go looking for a stick to flog themselves with!

[Fabulous46]

YABU and looking to pick a fight with your MIL.

[JeanSeberg]

Yeah God forbid you should choose a peaceful relationship with your MIL above picking a fight.

As a mother of 3 sons, yet another reason to dread who they end up with...

[Mintyy]

What do you exactly mean by that Jean Seberg?

You dread your sons ending up with a woman who was raised not to accept casual sexism in her domestic life?

Or ... what?

[ZebraGiraffe]

While it is not OK and I am not excusing it, just perhaps explaining it - unfortunately some older generations just don't 'get' or have that much exposure to feminism or the fact times have changed/boys should be - and many want to be - helping out too. My mother does this to my grown up DD at christmas and DD challenges her subtly - it is like my mother has no concept that a girl wouldn't want to be the one doing the serving/cooking/helping. It makes me angry but I have to remember she was brought up in a very different age.
I think my mother also is very gendered so always asked DD to help cook when she was little because she thought little girls like cooking. She would send my father off with DS to fix bikes or do other 'chores' which she thought they would enjoy.
I cringe at her but equally understand she knows no different.

[ZebraGiraffe]

I subtly had a word with her by the way and phrased it that the generation was the 'issue' not her - saying times have changed and I try to share chores equally and not gender-ise things. She did 'get it' and while it caused on atmosphere I did notice she is slightly more thoughtful now.
I wish sometimes I stuck up for DD much earlier and more clearly, but it is hard..

[Goingintohibernation]

I think you did the right thing by saying nothing TBH. Saying something would have been likely to cause friction, and also draw your DC's attention to the fact that Grandma thinks housework is for women only. As it is I suspect neither of them really noticed.

[redskybynight]

If she only asked the children for help twice, I'm not sure it really counts as always asking your DD. If it was a dozen times , you would have a point

[Mintyy]

It IS hard Zebra, because I always feel I am the enemy with mil. I feel I am very much stuck in the middle between generations (although mil is only 16 years old than me) and am embarrassed that I didn't stick up for dd in the very much younger generation in this instance.

However, as I said, never again! Shall make it my New Years Resolution.

[PowderMum]

It was 2 isolated instances not sexual stereotyping or anything else in depth. Christmas is a stressful time, your MIL probably didn't even think just asked your DD as she was available.

Certainly around Christmas I just pick in the nearest available child that is capable without regard to gender.

[Mintyy]

Both children were equally available PowderMum.

It was definitely a case of gender stereotyping.

It happens all the time, and people don't notice, or don't care, or excuse it.

[DoJo]

So you are absolutely certain that the reason she asked your daughter was sexism? Is that because you've noticed her doing this before? Or just because it was your daughter? I mean, if she had asked your son to do two jobs, would you have assumed it was because he was a boy? It does seem like you are jumping to conclusions about her motivation, but you know her (although your descriptions of her seem to be getting increasingly negative) so you could be right.

[crumblebumblebee]

How old are both the children?

[pictish]

It's a bit of a fine line though OP. I speak broadly about equality and other things that make up my moral compass, but do I get chippy with my mil over them? Nah.

[MinceSpy]

In our family DD would have out of her depth, DS would produce ace crumble. Was DD distressed?

[FightOrFlight]

Hmm, my initial thought wasn't "ooooh, gender stereotypes" - I thought you were upset that your son was excluded by his grandmother. Kind of showing a preference for her company over that of your son.

I didn't really register the title of the thread (letting your daughter down).

Gender stereotypes can be challenged and changed, favouritism can't.

[FightOrFlight]

^ I meant you can't change favouritism - of course you can challenge it.

[CaffeLatteIceCream]

Your OP makes no sense.

She asked the "children" for help twice - so your DS was also asked to help lay the table?

Or she only ever asked your DD for any help at all?

Whatever...you feel "terrible" for letting your DD down, like SHIT and :(

Don't be ridiculous, ffs. Say something to MIL if you must, but a sensible person would simply use the issue to raise awareness with the DC. Your MIL is hardly the only older woman/man around who hasn't caught up yet.

Total overreaction.

[CynthiaDelgado]

Well similar happened here. Only mine are all boys. I know one of mine is into baking and the others not so much but I'd say that it was a treat for your dd. so she got the chore but also the fun job.

I think honestly there are bigger things to worry about.

[watchingthedetectives]

This all seems a bit over dramatic - just carry on what you are doing at home. That's what the children will remember.
No hair shirt required.