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AIBU?

Iwbu, feeling terrible about letting dd down [sad]

70 replies

Mintyy · 05/01/2015 19:52

Mil and I rub along ok although we have nothing whatsoever in common, apart from loving her ds/my dh.

We were there at Christmas for three days. Dh and I helped with a lot of food prep and washing up, but Mil only asked the children for help twice. One time was to lay the table for Christmas dinner and the other time was on Boxing Day when she asked one of the children to help her make a crumble for pudding.

We have a dd and a ds, and mil specifically asked (as in by name) dd to help on both those occasions.

I feel SHIT that I didn't challenge her on this!!

Its ok, Iabu, I do know. Am just having a vent.

OP posts:

Report

Mintyy · 06/01/2015 11:10

That's what I'll do ConfusedInBath. Perversely its precisely because I didn't want to pick a fight with MIL that I didn't do that. But still feel bad about it, yes even a week later!

I have a long history of defending mils on Mumsnet if anyone cares to search back.

OP posts:

CrispyFern · 06/01/2015 10:57

Say something next time. Good for you! :)

Greywackejones · 06/01/2015 10:52

Alice and listen to ds say "no I dont I hate it!"

So long as it happens her way in her house it's irrelevant. And experiencing a bit of might make the kids realise what mum is banging on about as they grow.

ConfusedInBath · 06/01/2015 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 06/01/2015 09:53

Mintyy I wouldn't stress over it. Maybe next time you're at MIL's, if she comes out with a domestic job to help with, just step in gently and say "oh DS loves to do that type of thing.. DS why don't you go help with xxx this time, as DD got to help last time we were here." Sorted.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 06/01/2015 09:51

Wow. Example number 793 of how different I am from some posters on MN fortunately

Wow. Not that different apparently. Did you mean to be that rude?

Greywackejones · 06/01/2015 09:41

Seriously a week later this is bothering you...? Tbh you sound like you're itching for a fight. Because it doesn't have to happen that way next time and may not have happened the time before. One time? Gee yup hang up your feminist badge for ever.....

And if you're challenging everything else most of the time really it all evens out. Dd will not grow up subjugated based on one lunch.

So, what's really up? Coz this really sounds like deflection.

Mintyy · 05/01/2015 22:26

No, BackforGood , both dc were not asked to help. I really can't see why you would think that if you'd actually read my op.

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 05/01/2015 22:24

You could salvage the situation somewhat by having a conversation with both your children, "Did you notice how Granny assumed that laying the table and making the crumble were jobs for you to do, DD?" and discuss what they made of that. Lead on to explain that in some circumstances (being a guest in someone's home, wanting to keep the family peace) we might chose to hold our tongues rather than let rip at perceived sexism or similar.

Presumably she's not entirely in the 19th century as she didn't express horror at your DH helping with the food prep?

morethanpotatoprints · 05/01/2015 22:08

YANBU as long as you make sure dd learns how to look after a car, do maintenance work etc.
I hear this all the time and agree wholeheartedly but my dd works with her dad on previously considered mens jobs.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2015 22:00

Older generations?

You mean the ones that started the movement towards equality?

Or the ones that came after?

BackforGood · 05/01/2015 21:59

It seems some people would like to pick a fight in solitary confinement.

Both dc were asked to help lay the table, but only your dd was given the chance to spend a bit of 1:1 time doing something nice with her Grandmother. But you are somehow turning that into beating yourself up for not challenging her on her sexism

Wow. Example number 793 of how different I am from some posters on MN fortunately

OhShittingHenry · 05/01/2015 21:59

Completely agree withcaffelatte up there
Total overreaction and a classic case of making an ishoooo where none exists. Do you always do this?

WineCowboy · 05/01/2015 21:55

Things like that would get on my goat too mintyy, don't stress too much about it though.

Older generations don't get it (in some cases). My mum said someone acted 'like a girl' the other day. She got a gobfull from me and understood why it was a shit comment but it kind of slipped out without her really thinking about it. As worra said! if it happens again just say 'DS would love to help too' or something.

Mintyy · 05/01/2015 21:55

Dd 13 and ds 11 and actually he is more interested in food and cooking than her.

OP posts:

DustyCropHopper · 05/01/2015 21:53

Who is the older child? If it is dd, is it she chose her as the older, more capable one? You don't give their ages so difficult to say if it was really based on boy/girl or on age and her considered capabilities of the children.

Mintyy · 05/01/2015 21:51

"If that is the biggest thing you have to worry about you are a lucky woman"

Hell, no, it is not the biggest thing I have to worry about! What makes you think it is?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2015 21:47

It does come across as a bit dramatic

Your MIL sounds a bit old fashioned

You feel shit that you didn't 'challenge' her on it.

There was no need to challenge, just simply a "Oh I think DS should give you both a hand too".

But the ship has sailed so chill out, no harm done.

scousadelic · 05/01/2015 21:46

What is the age difference? Is DS younger so she was treating DD as more grown up?

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill personally. If that is the biggest thing you have to worry about you are a lucky woman

fluffling · 05/01/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

watchingthedetectives · 05/01/2015 21:40

This all seems a bit over dramatic - just carry on what you are doing at home. That's what the children will remember.
No hair shirt required.

CynthiaDelgado · 05/01/2015 21:40

Well similar happened here. Only mine are all boys. I know one of mine is into baking and the others not so much but I'd say that it was a treat for your dd. so she got the chore but also the fun job.

I think honestly there are bigger things to worry about.

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CaffeLatteIceCream · 05/01/2015 21:37

Your OP makes no sense.

She asked the "children" for help twice - so your DS was also asked to help lay the table?

Or she only ever asked your DD for any help at all?

Whatever...you feel "terrible" for letting your DD down, like SHIT and :(

Don't be ridiculous, ffs. Say something to MIL if you must, but a sensible person would simply use the issue to raise awareness with the DC. Your MIL is hardly the only older woman/man around who hasn't caught up yet.

Total overreaction.

FightOrFlight · 05/01/2015 21:37

^ I meant you can't change favouritism - of course you can challenge it.

FightOrFlight · 05/01/2015 21:36

Hmm, my initial thought wasn't "ooooh, gender stereotypes" - I thought you were upset that your son was excluded by his grandmother. Kind of showing a preference for her company over that of your son.

I didn't really register the title of the thread (letting your daughter down).

Gender stereotypes can be challenged and changed, favouritism can't.

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