MIL 'giving away' house to BIL

[chas1]

DH’s parents have never been particularly well off, FIL is an alcoholic who hasn’t worked for 25 yrs and MIL has worked hard and only in latter years been promoted and done well. She pays all bills and was very savvy in buying their council house 14 yrs ago, small mortgage now paid off. I have always respected her as she has had to support a useless husband and my youngest BIL who still lives at home and has only this year found employment (he is 28 and had no mental or physical disability to prevent him finding work just laziness and low aspirations). They have never been able to help us financially with wedding, deposit etc. or practically with childcare for example and luckily for us my parents have helped out to some degree.
Anyway DH’s grandfather passed away last year and MIL inherited a significant sum which enabled her to buy another property outright which they will live in. We assumed she would sell the ex council house (which has increased in value significantly) and perhaps retire/relax generally enjoy a better life. However instead she has decided to sell it to BIL for a tenth of its value without discussing it with DH or his other brother. Am I being unreasonable to be shocked at this and think it is unfair favouritism?
We have always got on well with her, visited regularly taken her on holiday with us and generally had a good relationship as has other brother who has also made own way in life without any help from them. I know she is now in a position to give this wonderful gift to her son but it feels so unfair that we are still saddled with big mortgage and struggling to make ends meet while he will be sorted for life.

[KatieKaye]

This happened to a friend. Her mother left her house to her son, ignoring the DD, to whom she was very close. DS only worked intermittently. Turned out he'd Ben bleeding her dry for years and the house which had been bought outright was mortgaged up to the hilt to find him. It was repossessed a few years after her death.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

Well it is her money and she is free to do whatever she chooses with it

But I do agree it's very very unfair and I would find it difficult to get past, yes it is absolutely her choice but if it were me my choice would be that she got included much less and my opinion of her massively dropped. It looks like she has made it clear who her favourite is, fine, but I would certainly stop taking her on holidays

[jelliebelly]

Very unfair but surprisingly common. In her eyes BIL "needs" the house and you don't - simple..

[chas1]

thanks for all your replies and suggestions for looking at it from her point of view, they have helped. I am going to have to 'butt out' as has been suggested and bite my tongue as I don't want to ruin christmas. She (and BIL in tow) are coming to stay with us this wkend. I know DH is hurt but he is also very protective of her and won't have a bad word said against her.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I believe in fairness so YANBU in that respect.

However YABVU with regards to not being given money for your wedding, house or childcare. Your choices so you should fund them, although it sounds like your parents do anyway. MIL is not your parent so really it's none of yr business how she conducts herself. If my DIL believed I should fund her choices then I would be thinking DS had picked a bad one.

[TinLizzie]

I think I'd be doing the same as your MIL if I had a child who wouldn't leave home (enabled or not). She may see this as her 'get out' from having to live with her son, without hurting his feelings or feeling as though she's pushed him out (guilt is a funny thing). It may be worth every single penny to her. And of course, it makes sense that as her other children appear to be managing very well, the new home may well be split between 2 instead of 3. Who knows?, but it's her business so YABU.

[elephantspoo]

She is/they are free to do with their assets as they please, and provided DH is content with his/your life then I see no issue. I had a similar situation where my brother bought my parents council house. He is much younger and I felt no need to resent him, and no bitterness towards my parents. I was married, had my own life, my own career, and he needed a helping hand. Mortgages following the 2008 crash now required a sizeable deposit, he had only just established himself a career, had not had the opportunity to accumulate savings, and was facing a mortgage at 6%+ while mine on a similar house was down at 1.25%. But maybe the age difference is the factor in my case, and it is not in my nature to get jealous or feel envious.

But I can see that in a family with many brothers, particularly if they are of similar ages, or of any of them have money worries or feel dissatisfied with their lives, then this action could create conflict among the brothers. And I don't think it is reasonable for a parent to take action to divide children and/or act to break the bond between them. I don't think the assistance is unreasonable per se, but I do think the act is unreasonable if she has failed to consider all her children's feelings before choosing to assist just one of them.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

There are loads of possibilities in the situation you've described, OP. The main ones that spring to mind are:

1. He's 28, so since the age of three he's lived with an alcoholic SAHD while his mum tried to put food on the table. BIL was completely headfucked by his dad, resulting in his inability to hold down a job or feel motivated to live any life at all, MIL feels incredible guilt for this horrendous start in life. (what age is your DH? What age was he when his father became the SAHalcoholic?)
2. As the child who was still at home, BIL has provided emotional support/physical security to your MIL, who, let's face it, has had a bit of a shit life with an alcoholic sponger. He's sacrificed an independent life to support her, and she sees giving the house to him as redressing the balance.
3. MIL has seen her two older boys make a success of their life and does not fear for their future. Her youngest, however, is 'lacking' and she feels if she doesn't provide him with this safety net, he would likely spiral downwards and end up like his father. A sort of 'from each according to their ability, to each according to their need'.

Whichever of these scenarios is nearer to reality (or a completely different one) - NONE OF THEM REFLECT ANYTHING ON HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER OTHER SONS. However unfair you may feel it to be, please reflect on what life has been for your MIL and what it still continues to be. Be kind to her, because life hasn't been.

[Gawjushun]

It sucks, but what can you do? Just hold your head high knowing that you are making it through on your own. Not the most comforting thing when you are tired and broke though.

[Kittymautz]

Crismoose

You can sell a house for any price you like, even if it is a small percentage of the market price (many years ago my Grandfather sold my Dad his house for what he had paid for it many many years before).

However, if the person selling the house at a knock down price dies within seven years, then inheritance tax will come into play if a house has been sold to a loved one cheaply (to stop people doing this to avoid inheritance tax).

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Perhaps she wants to give him the same hand onto the housing ladder she had by using the right to buy.

You are already on it

[emms1981]

What legal advice has she had? We rented a house off a couple who had bought the house off her dad for a fraction of what it was worth and he got into trouble.

[Minshu]

My Gran always financially favoured her son over my Mum (or my brother & I after Mum's death). Her rationale was always that we all had a decent education and should do alright for ourselves, while my uncle was less able academically so would need her assistance. That was her logic, although the reality of how well off we all are is not necessarily what my Gran thought would be the case...

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

My mum left the parental home to my brother. Apparently it was fair as my sister and I already had husbands and homes and were settled. He proceeded to rack up a mortgage and piss all the money away. The house fell into disrepair, he never lifted a finger to maintain anything, he didn't know how to as he'd never had to before, and we had to watch the house sell for next to nothing. After he'd paid the mortgage off he had nothing left. My parents must be ricocheting round their graves.

If it had been sold at the time we'd all have had a sizeable amount each. He could have put down a deposit on another house and paid a mortgage like we had to. That money would have come in bloody handy for me and my sister.

It's not fair to favour one sibling like that over another. It's a lot of money.

[rallytog1]

She needs to take financial and legal advice. If she or your FIL end up needing care in the next few years (which could happen at any point - people have accidents, have strokes or are diagnosed with life-limiting illnesses all the time), the financial assessors would take a dim view of her having offloaded property at significantly less than market value. It's called deprivation of assets. They'd probably end up having to pay a proportion of their care costs as though the house was still their asset.

It does seem unfair from your pov, but I guess she's entitled to favour one child over another, even if it doesn't feel very nice.

[CelesteToTheDance]

Yabu, if he's only started his working life at 28 he's probably not earning very much and may never progress to an income that would allow him his own home. If his two brothers have their own homes then it's perfectly reasonable to provide an affordable one for him given that she can.

Provision based on need is fairer than denying he who needs in favour of 'equality' for those who don't.

You're not losing out on anything here, you carry on as normal while your bil now has the security of owning his own home. It's very mean to resent that.

[ClumsyFool]

As a knee jerk reaction I get why you'd be miffed, however, My MIL has 2 offspring, my husband and his sister. PIL house is mortgage free, if god forbid, anything happened to them in the immediate future. I'd be totally understanding if they left their house outright to SIL. We have a mortgage, no kids yet and both work full time. SIL has a son, no job and renting. She has no security and neither does our nephew. She's in this situation through a variety of reasons, some her doing, others not so. Regardless, much as it'd be nice to get rid of some of the mortgage, we're ok and hopefully will stay that way. I could totally understand PIL wanting to provide stability and security for their daughter and grandson whether it felt fair or not, nice as it would be to be equal about things I would rather know SIL and nephew were secure as I hope we will be.

[MrsMarcJacobs]

Thinking about inheritance before the person has actually passed away is very unreasonable.

[TheChandler]

She clearly likes needy, uesless men. Therein lies your answer.

[RojaGato]

Agree with Hesterton. My dad got bailed out by his parents over financial difficulties in his 30s. But his two brothers were the ones that got left significant amounts in the will.

Plus she may see that BIL is finally starting to make a go of things, want to encourage that and also feel an obligation towards him as he was the one on hand when she was working hard and coping with husband. She might also feel that of her children, he is the one who needs the help now.

As part of an old job, one of the things I had to do was give advice on estate planning in certain circumstances. One client was very keen to leave a good chunk of money to charity, but was mindful of what he needed to give to his daughters. Of one he said "I know she's going to be alright, always has been, she's doing great and if anything happened she would take it in her stride". Of the other one he said "I do worry about her. She has always struggled. She's a lovely person but she's just not tough enough really. she might not cope in an emergency when we're not around". So he left the both money, but also set up a small trust for the second daughter, only to be accessed in dire circumstances. So maybe your MiL does think she is being fair, but having made an honest assessment of her children's abilities and life chances, thought this was the best way to help BiL.

agree this is emotionally very tough for you and DH. HTH.

[defineme]

My will leaves everything to be equally divided between my 3 children, but there is a caveat stating ds1 can live in the family home for as long as he likes- which did need asolicitor to write. Ds1 has sn and I wonder if your mil feels your bil has mh issues or something you don't know about? I imagine their house will be left to your dhbut they feel bil needs help now?

[YonicSleighdriver]

Think of the outcome for her if she doesn't do this, presumably BIL would come and live with her in the new house as there's no chance he could afford it at full price.

If she does this , she gets her independence and all her children get housed.

[OmniConsumer93]

I think YABU.

I've been the BIL in this situation. This year my parents bought a villa in Spain and decided to move there and wanted a quick sale on the house. Both my siblings already have families and are on the property ladder and as I'm only 21, my parents sold the house to me for about 20% of its market value because otherwise I'd probably never be able to afford a house. (Luckily I have a decent enough job and my parents managed to invest money given to me when I was a baby very well and this paid for the house.)

So, honestly, unless you know the full story, YABU.

[OmniConsumer93]

Oh, I should add that it was also agreed that whatever I sell it for (if I ever do) I will give 10% of the proceeds each to my sister and brother. If I don't sell, they get my cash from the will and any money I would be due from my parents' estate. I have no problem with this, neither do my siblings.

I've been very fortunate to be able to get on the property ladder at 21 with no dependents or mortgage. I realise this doesn't happen to a lot of people.

[bigTillyMint]

It's unfair. Unless he has been doing something way over and above what any of his siblings have done to support his parents.

We intend to divide our estate equally between our DC when we die. PIL intend the same, despite their 3 boys being in entirely different circumstances.