MIL 'giving away' house to BIL

[chas1]

DH’s parents have never been particularly well off, FIL is an alcoholic who hasn’t worked for 25 yrs and MIL has worked hard and only in latter years been promoted and done well. She pays all bills and was very savvy in buying their council house 14 yrs ago, small mortgage now paid off. I have always respected her as she has had to support a useless husband and my youngest BIL who still lives at home and has only this year found employment (he is 28 and had no mental or physical disability to prevent him finding work just laziness and low aspirations). They have never been able to help us financially with wedding, deposit etc. or practically with childcare for example and luckily for us my parents have helped out to some degree.
Anyway DH’s grandfather passed away last year and MIL inherited a significant sum which enabled her to buy another property outright which they will live in. We assumed she would sell the ex council house (which has increased in value significantly) and perhaps retire/relax generally enjoy a better life. However instead she has decided to sell it to BIL for a tenth of its value without discussing it with DH or his other brother. Am I being unreasonable to be shocked at this and think it is unfair favouritism?
We have always got on well with her, visited regularly taken her on holiday with us and generally had a good relationship as has other brother who has also made own way in life without any help from them. I know she is now in a position to give this wonderful gift to her son but it feels so unfair that we are still saddled with big mortgage and struggling to make ends meet while he will be sorted for life.

[TheChandler]

To be honest, she would be doing your BIL a far bigger favour if she got him to move out, rely on his paid employment for what he gets in life, and stands on his own two feet.

She is entitled to do what she wants with her property, but equally you or your DH are entitled to express your views on it. I agree with kawliga.

Yonic its entirely possible he saw the inheritance coming, or planned to hang on long enough to be given the house eventually anyway.

[PeppermintInfusion]

YANBU, my mil makes similar differences between her children even though you could extract certain mitigating circumstances to try to justify it, I know my DH feels it though he's never outright said. She has also made certain statements like my parents have helped us, so we don't need her help or that we have decent jobs etc.

I have a relative that sounds similar to your bil, even though they are lazy layabouts their parents feel a certain 'guilt' for them ending up that way but, as PP have said, really they are enabling them and have allowed their behaviour to start and continue.

[kawliga]

I don't want to ruin christmas. She (and BIL in tow) are coming to stay with us this wkend. I know DH is hurt but he is also very protective of her and won't have a bad word said against her.

This is why people continue to do things which are massively unfair. Family members who don't want to ruin Christmas will allow them to get away with anything, really. OP, you can't control how MIL spends her money, and you don't have to say bad words against her, but you also don't have to bend over and act like it's ok for her to be unfair. It's not ok. She has hurt your DH.

[YonicSleighdriver]

I doubt it, TheC, as the new house was only affordable with a recent inheritabce

[TheChandler]

Perhaps DBIL stayed at home and didn't bother working much because he was working on MIL and getting her to sell her the house cheap instead?

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Up to the moment my little sister bought her own house, I thought that if something ever happened to my parents she should get the house because:

1. we, the other siblings, were married and had our own houses while she was on her own and was living with my parents (no house of her own and no one to share the expense of buying one)
   
2. she is the one who, while we are away taking care of our own families, is taking my parents to the doctor, running errands for them, keeping them company and pretty much being there for them while the other siblings are away.
   
   So I don't think is favouritism, in your head is unfair, in your MIL's... She is only providing for the son she thinks needs it more.

[BarbarianMum]

I think YABU - although I can see why you are miffed.

Think of it as your MiL buying herself freedom from the responsibility in housing/ feeding/ supporting your BiL. Poor woman sounds like she has enough on her plate. Yes, she could boot him out and demand he stands on his own two feet but maybe this transaction saves her from worrying/feeling guilty about him?

[KatieKaye]

I missed that, Yonic, thank you.

I'm going to have to put my DMs house up for sale next year to fund her care. She scrimped and saved for years as she wanted to leave obey to me and my DSIS. I begged her for years to spend the money on living comfortably but she was determined not to. It's really sad.

[Lymmmummy]

It is unfair - perhaos she feels he is less capable than the other brothers? Perhaps there is a genuine reason for her to believe this or perhaps he has accidently been encouraged in this type of behaviour who knows

But sadly this type of situation happens whilst my parents were all very fair and equal in everything it's different in DH family - My MIL's parents (DH grandparents) ran a farm - when only one of the 5 daughter (DH aunt) offered/ suggested they continue running the farm no one questioned it - or thought of he later consequences - so the auntie got a place to build a house and make an income and I think the family were glad she the farm was not sold BUT then many years later without any consultation the aunt gifted her 3 by now adult children the land when I suppose it should have been a matter of consultation with the other sisters at least -as the land morally should have been shared between the sisters - upshot is these 3 children have been able to build houses and farm on the land for free. And could chose to sell the land. DH not bothered as we live far away but I think there were other relatives closer by who were less well off and it caused a lot of bad feeling. More that aunt had done it without consultation - I don't know the legalities of it all - but I guess she must have legally owned it to give it away. What is worse is that these adult children are always moaning about stuff and they have enormous house built practically for nothing -

[YonicSleighdriver]

Katie, BIL is working now.

Tax aside, I honestly think this is the best thing for the MIL, whose money it is after all. Without this, I expect BIL would move with her.

[oswellkettleblack]

Yes. My BIL expects to be waited on. He will not even take a cup to the kitchen if he is given tea. He never cleans. I will not be surprised if he is evicted again becuase his hoarding and lack of cleaning attracts rodents and causes damp.

[KatieKaye]

There is no guarantee that MIL will be able to leave her new house to her other sons. It may have to be sold to fund her care.

Lots of stories on this thread about similar scenarios where the feckless child gets the house and then loses it, thus negating all the years of hard work the parents put in.

BIL sounds as if he might follow this pattern as he doesn't work and has never lived by himself.

[YonicSleighdriver]

Possibly. She should certainly take advice. However, as she will still own ab asset ie her new house, that may be pursued first.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Yonic
I wouldn't be so certain given that the FIL is an alcoholic that hasn't worked for 25 years. He may have multiple health problems for all we know. The foreseeability test may have been met.

[YonicSleighdriver]

According to 3.3 of this, deprivation unlikely to be a problem.

www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB/Factsheets/FS40_deprivation_of_assets_in_the_means_test_for_care_home_provision_fcs.pdf?dtrk=true

[Destinycalls]

I suppose your DH will inherit some of her present house? So you hopefully won't be left out. By making the BIL buy the ex council house she is at least making sure he gets some kind of job and starts behaving responsibly. I suppose both sons will be homeowners with a mortgage so they are equal if by different routes.

I can understand your hurt though. Maybe she doesn't know you have a big mortgage?

[APlaceInTheWinter]

I think your MIL has actually done what you would have expected ie prepare for her retirement and relax. For her, relaxing is knowing that her DCs are provided for and selling BIL the house will give her peace of mind.

It's hard not to equate financial gifts with love but really it makes no sense. There isn't a direct correlation between finances and love. And the sale of the house isn't so your BIL has a financial advantage. It's so he has a secure home.

[GnomeDePlume]

She can do as she will with regard to what she gifts and to whom, however you are also free to rethink your relationship with her. IMO actions do speak louder than words.

The period when adult offspring could really do with help from their parents is often very short. The period when parents could really do with support from their adult offspring is often longer and open ended.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would advise her to look into deprivation of assets as well as mentioned upthread. Selling for a nominal value might cause problems later if funded care is needed.

[WineWineWine]

Unfair or not, it's her decision and there is bugger all you can do about it.

It's perfectly legal though there may be inheritance tax implications if she dies within 7 years.
If there is any stamp duty to pay, it will be sorted in the conveyancing.
If it's her main home, there is no capital gains tax to pay.

Life isn't fair but it's none of your business. She doesn't have to consult with her other children.

[whitesandstorm]

Yanbu, totally unfair of your mil. She's basically rewarding laziness by giving this son a house. He's done nothing to deserve it whereas her other sons who try hard and struggle through life get ignored. Is your dh going to say anything to her?

[Moniker1]

When your parents are gone who will take on responsibility for a feckless BIL?

Hopefully now he has a permanent roof over his head he can look after himself and you won't feel guilt if he fails.

If she shared the value of the house 3 ways you would probably still feel some responsibility towards him down the line, this decision changes that, so maybe it is a good thing from your point of view, in the long run.

[JanetBookLover]

Children should be helped fairly. If one has been lazy or made bad choices they should not get more money from parents. Instead they should be berated, castigated and given exactly the same as richer siblings. It was their choice to be an idle so and so.

[frostydom2011]

If you mil has been enabling your BIL, maybe you could look on the bright side that at least when she's gone he won't come knocking on your door.