To feel sad that after everything that's happened I am just a shit parent

[CountryMummy1]

I lost it with my almost 3yo today. I mean really lost it. Screamed at her at the top of my voice whilst driving. She didn't even cry she was so shocked, she just whimpered and looked so so sad.

I reached breaking point today. After a particularly awful nursery drop off where my DD howled and screamed and clung to me, begging me not to leave her, it was not a good start to the day.

Then my 10 month old was whingy all morning with his teeth, the house is a tip, I have so much to do before Christmas and everything has just got on top of me.

I don't exist anymore. I am just mummy. I am not the high flying academic anymore. I spend my day cleaning and tidying and mopping up sick. I have no life of my own, everything revolves around the children and I get no thanks for it at all.

All those years we tried to have children but couldn't and the tears we shed over all our lost babies. Why aren't I happy? I have everything I wanted. However, in return I also got to be fat, unhealthy, have no interests or time away from the children, I drink too much.

I have done everything all the baby books and parenting sites said to make your child happy and confident and it's got me nowhere. All the groups and classes I've taken them to and I now have a DD with speech delay who's behind her peers and is looking to never settle at nursery. Where did I go so wrong?

[ChangeYouFucker]

Not lady!!! Time

[ClimbingPenguin]

some children just take longer

I couldn't put DS down until he was 18 months, but now he is more independent than his older sister. He's a bit all or nothing even now when he has developmental spurts at 3.

[TwoKidsAndCounting]

It is just awful some days isn't it, you think why on earth did you ever have kids to treat them like this, you leave them at nursery you feel guilty, you take them shopping and non-stop shout at them to stop touching things, you feel guilty, you shout at them to get to bed, you grab the wine bottle, you feel guilty. I don't know what the answer is but motherhood is nothing short of torture sometimes.

Tomorrow will be a better day - hopefully!

[Fairylea]

Twokids you've just summed it up perfectly for me

[QTPie]

Oh dear. Warm hugs from a complete stranger - you poor thing.

Things WILL get better, promise. It is a really difficult time. Things will improve over the following months, but I know that seems like an eternity now.

Can you get any help. From your partner or from family? You need "me" time. Are you a fan of the gym, running, swimming, Pilates? You need to get out for a couple of nights a week to become yourself again. Make it happen as a priority. Yes, happy children are a priority, but so are you. Happy mummy really helps to make happy children.

Are you back in work again? You sound thoroughly overloaded :(.

[Bolshybookworm]

You sound like a completely normal parent to me. My two are about the same age, and I have days where I lose it, am grumpy and shout more than I want to. Unless you're very, very calm (unlike me!) it's inevitable. Don't beat yourself up, I bet you're doing a grand job. My dd doesn't have speech delay, but she's no bright spark (unlike half the children I read about on MN!). She is, however, happy and healthy, so I count my blessings.
I'm an academic, I've gone back to work (at 10 months) and I'm really enjoying it. I've had to take a pay cut and switch roles so I can work part time, but it's worth it for me. Are there opportunities for you to return to your previous role (I've done full time- it's tiring but manageable) or new roles? Honestly, a couple of days out of the house will make you feel a bit more sane. If you can't manage that, then we're here for you if you need to vent- at home with two small children is hard work! Have a big from me!

[sherbetpips]

Your children are fine, they are simply being children and you are not doing it wrong. It is so easy to think everyone else finds it a breeze but they don't, well I certainly didn't. The first three or four years I just about functioned in my job and as a parent and carried round a boat load of guilt every time I 'lost it' and screamed at a bewildered toddler. They will grow up and you will grow in your role as a parent and one day I promise you will find you enjoy it, more than you hate it x

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh country mummy I know exactly how you feel, I have academic background and had dd now 7 who has been dx with Autism, she was so hard as a aby/toddler/preschooler, I found myself screaming at her because I lost control, I was so nasty . Since she has gotten the help she needs and is in an Autistic school she has come on leaps and bounds. She speaks almost as well as her NT peers.

Ds is almost 3 and has a speech delay of about 2 years, his understanding is great and doesent gave the difficulties that dd has. He lives nursery usually but I was in tears this week after the nursery manger took me aside and told me that ds screamed through the session and çoukd not be comforted. Since they started practising for the nativity play, his behaviour has deteriorated. Tgat he is distressed by the noise and singing. I thought oh no not again! I literally cried when I got home. He went to Tuesday nursery session and was fantastic and even made me a lovely Christmas decoration . apparently there was no nativity practise as children were not well. That for some reason sets him off.

Here have and

[stubbornstains]

I sometimes genuinely think that DS was better off in childcare than with me. He went from caring childminders to a lovely Steineresque pre school, both of whom did baking, imaginative play,crafts, socialisation etc. etc. way better than I would have been capable of.

(and now I'm having another one...[blank eyed emoticon of terror]).

[listed]

But you are the best mother you can be...!

Do you go to bed and get up in the morning vowing to do your best for your kids?

During calmer times, can you hand on heart say that you try your very best for your kids all the time, taking into account the fact that much of the time children are PROGRAMMED to drive you to distraction?

Then you are a great parent.

Life in the tranches at this age is hard, but you know that you are trying your best and that is all that can be asked of you.

[stubbornstains]

Than with me all day every day, I should say...

[ooerrmissus]

OP you are almost certainly NOT a shit parent. You are just like every other mother I have ever met. It's just that sometimes we have shit days.

When I'm having a shit day (today has been a big steaming pile of poo with a cherry on top) then I find it's helpful to lower my standards. Really really lower them. As long as everyone is warm, fed and got clean bums I don't worry about anything else. Pyjamas and wellies? Yeah go for it. Jelly for breakfast? Why not. Vacuum the carpet? Not on your nelly.

And then as others have said, make sure you look after yourself. Parenting is a job like any other and you need time off sometimes.

[WannaBe]

Op, when people struggle to conceive there is this almost expectation that once they fall pregnant and have a baby the baby will change everything, it will make all those desires for babies go away and it will be the best thing that ever happened because that baby was wanted so much. Except nobody tells the baby that it has to be born perfect because its mummy and daddy waited for it for so long, the baby is just born a baby, full of tantrums and tears and trials and tribulations like all the other babies and toddlers in the world, and then its mummy feels guilty because that baby/s was wanted so much so how can they possibly get frustrated with it?

When we have children we have all these pre-conceived ideas of how it's going to be, but you know what? It's nothing like that.

Having kids is bloody hard. because they don't conform to our expectations of parenthood, because they haven't read the books and they are growing up as individuals in their own right, with their own thoughts and feelings and ways of doing things which we haven't anticipated.

Everyone loses it with their kids. there is not a single person on these boards who hasn't lost it in some way and overreacted somehow to their kids and then regretted it. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. And we all lose it sometimes because we're all human. I lost it spectacularly with mine at the weekend and he's twelve and now gives me attitude back. Oh how I wish he was three. but I ended up shouting and then in floods of tears over something which was so bloody trivial it didn't warrant the response, but he's been pushing and pushing and pushing for weeks and I snapped.

There is a sentence which many people echo when people post here in exasperation. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and utter the words "it's a phase, this too shall pass."

You are not a shit parent. You're a human one.

[SoggyOldBiscuit]

I haven't read all the replies OP, but I just want to quickly reply to say to you that you are NOT a shit parent.

You feel guilty because you shouted and because you feel impatient about your DD being clingy. A shit parent would feel no guilt about those things, it wouldn't even register with them afterwards. You feel bad because you have high standards and are trying to be the best parent you can.

I know some people who I consider to be poor parents; they are people who consistently put themselves first before their children and don't even notice or care if their children are suffering damage or neglect because they are failing to care for them properly. You are not one of those people.

Re: the nursery. Do you feel really happy with the nursery you have chosen? I had a phase where I was suffering terrible guilt about one of my toddlers crying at drop off. Looking back, I actually had some reservations about the setting & that was adding to my anxiety. When I moved her somewhere else, a nursery that I really LOVE, I was able to handle her crying a lot better because I felt so secure about leaving her in a lovely environment.

She then settled in fairly quickly, she made have been feeding off my worries a little bit at the first place. Of course, that may not be the case for you at all, I just wondered if it could be a reason for you feeling guilty?

[Hairtodaygonetomorrow]

I have certainly lost it in the car, the combination of screaming kids and driving stress is just too much- I have probably yelled louder in the car than everyone.

It does get better, honest. I am an academic and while it was very hard in those early years (til school or slightly after that) now my children are incredibly independent and my work pretty much back the way it was, and they haven't even left primary school!

You will come back to being 'you'- think of this as being a short but often frustrating detour, but you will come back and also enjoy being a parent (much more fun with older pre-teens than toddlers/babies I am finding).

[Bulbasaur]

Some animals eat their own young, and now we know why.

Toddlers are hard. Teething is hard. That's not an easy combination. Every mother losses their rag. Every mother. We can all think of a time our mothers flipped out.

If you're feeling out of shape or fat can you start taking walks with your kids? It'll burn off some energy for them and walking or exercise will give you an endorphin boost. It's a win-win. We take DD on walks when she's fussy and the fresh air tires her out a bit.

[Bolshybookworm]

Just read you're last post. Are you in the sciences? I have some awareness of how to sell yourself in the job market in this area, PM me if you need any help. I bet you're more employable than you think!

[Bolshybookworm]

Oh, I also feel fat- it's the price we pay for kids in our thirties!

[CountryMummy1]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. They have all struck a chord with me.

I have put the children to bed and just gone to bed myself as I want to put this day out of his misery. (DH is working late)

I do like DDs nursery. I looked at about 10 and liked this one the best although to be honest I don't think I'd ever find one I love. I worked in education and I suppose i have read a lot about the damage that can be done to children in the early years when things go wrong which adds to my anxiety.

[fancyanotherfez]

I think you need to look into your anxiety issues. A good nursery at 3 will do wonders for your CD's confidence and sociability. Learn to trust others with her and enjoy time just with your baby.

[MillieH30]

I know exactly how you feel.

No advice other than to suggest an early night - things often look better in the morning.

[Bolshybookworm]

Meh, my dp went through a messy divorce when I was a preschooler and I survived. Your kids are more robust than you think. I honestly think nursery is good for kids (although biased as I have no choice but to send mine to one!). Yes, it's not ideal, but they learn how to interact with other kids and get to burn off plenty of energy. My dd loves it to the point where I almost felt I was depriving her when I reduced her hours whilst on mat leave with her dsis. If your kids know they're loved you're doing a good job.

[ChristmasHiccups]

Maybe I'm being daft but if you don't work why do you feel you need to send your dd to a nursery?

I am taking a career break following dd2, and I started dd1 in preschool this term because I felt I should. But actually it just creates stress for both of us so I've pulled her out. Our lives are much calmer as a result :)

[ChristmasHiccups]

Oh and I second whoever said it up thread that you need time for you. I have lost it with my 3 yo a couple of times when she was age 2.5-3 and I also had a young baby, no sleep, and zero child free time as we also bed share.

I now take a minimum of 1 hour child free per week even if it's just doing the supermarket shop on my own on a Sunday morning. And I'm sooooo much better for it