AIBU if I ask DP to have "a talk" with the in laws about switching things up?

[outtahell]

Hi Mumsnetters!

Now, I like my ILs well enough - I wouldn't be BFFs with them if they weren't my ILs, but such is family - they're kind nice enough to talk to.

I'm 30 weeks with DS2 - DS1 being 11 months old. We lived with the ILs for the first 3 months of DS1's life and yes, we paid our way. I pushed DP to find a flat because I found it intensely smothering - lots of out of date baby rearing being pushed, snatching DS1 off me etc. Nothing went how I wanted it to - I'd told DP from the start I didn't want anyone but him to visit in hospital but that got forgotten in the chaos and both families descended when all I wanted was to be left in peace.

We go around IL's once every week with DS - for a while it was just DP and DS1 going round, but DP would often stay for far too long, returning with an angry, out of routine baby late for a bottle/meal and left too long in his nappy. So I told DP I'd had enough and was coming along to every visit DS1 goes on especially as MIL treats DS1 inappropriately which DP "doesn't notice" when it happens in front of him.

I have told DP that this time, I am absolutely NOT having anyone else visit in hospital. I want to settle in at home before having anyone else meet DS2. I have also decided that we need to talk on the weekly visits - we don't drive, and I am not dragging a newborn and a toddler out in the cold while it's still painful for me to walk post-partum so we can sit around for hours and hours. If a weekly visit gets missed MIL gets sulky and passive aggressive. It is very much expected we visit them - same with pretty much all the family it seems, MIL and SFIL never go to others.

AIBU to ask DP to tell ILs that either they can be the ones to visit for a while or they can do without visits for a bit (put nicer, of course) and to tell them no hospital visit and to wait to be invited round in advance so they don't get disappointed/he doesn't wuss on it in the moment?

[Purplepoodle]

Agree with not visiting in hospital. Could you not send dp off with dc1 to see his mum (srmed with appropriate bottles, food ect) once dc2 arrives. Mother if the want to see the baby they can visit you.

[Purplepoodle]

Is one day a week where he is out of routine really going to do that much harm? Perhaps dp likes being with his mum and doesn't want a time limit on his visit. I know if my dp turned around and said 'right, you can only spend x amount of time at your mums and you must be home by x time". I would give him the look and tell him to wise up

[outtahell]

Purplepoodle, DP can spend as much time at his mum's by himself as he wants. I don't think that saying I want DS1 home for his tea is the end of the world when his tea is at 6 and he is 11 months old, especially as the ILs are 15-20 minutes if you walk briskly. I don't like the way DP lets his mother act with my child and neither does DP, so until he can stand up to her I will be going around for every visit DS1 has with her. The end.

[SpringBreaker]

Im afraid I think you sound very controlling/over anxious.

[Ragwort]

I'm not sure I really understand how you want to live with a man that 'forgets' (in your own words) to look after his own child and can't stand up to his own mother.

I repeat my question, how old is he? .

[RaisingMen]

I think you sound controlling too. Why are you analysing everything so much - worry about who visits who when the time comes, and rather than giving DH "looks", why don't you say something to your parents in law?
I can see why you don't want visitors in the hospital, but again why can't you tell them instead of stressing yourself our waiting for DH to do it?

[drudgetrudy]

Your husband should be capable of feeding and changing his son. If he can't manage that on his own perhaps his mother can.
Don't think of going visiting after the birth until you feel well enough.
However is DH can't manage to take his son to visit his parents without keeping him safe and looked after where do you think the problem lies?

[outtahell]

RaisingMen If you think I sound controlling, then you should meet my mother - ha! I like to worry about these things in advance because otherwise the first I will hear is "Mum asked if we could go round and I said yes, is that okay?" or similar so that I have to either be the bad guy or do stuff I don't feel comfortable with.

I also think it's polite to make sure that the ILs don't have a wasted trip to the hospital - or have unrealistic expectations, as MIL gets very carried away eg deciding she would be looking after DS1 when I went back to work and buying herself two buggies and a mountain of toys for him etc without even asking if/when I was going back to work. I believe it is up to the person whose side of the family it is to deal with breaking news/establishing boundaries. Judging from past cases of me interacting solo with MIL, I rather expect she'd contact my DP asking why I said/did X anyway, so he might as well do the talking.

drudgetrudy I'm working on things with DP. Obviously he is capable of feeding DS1, what he is incapable of is keeping track of time/schedules when he's not at work - he struggles with this when it's nothing to do with DS1. He's one of those people who you can ask three times to get X from the shop and he'll still come home without it and ask why you didn't remind him.

Ragwort To be fair, I used to be very similarly scatty before becoming a mum. He actually agrees with me that stuff his mum says/does is off, and admits that he lets her get away with way more shit than anyone else. He's 30, as you ask.

[skylark2]

" He's one of those people who you can ask three times to get X from the shop and he'll still come home without it and ask why you didn't remind him."

I don't see what this has to do with him refusing to feed or nappy change his son when he cries. Babies come with a built in alarm system for when it's time to do something.

What happens when he wakes you up to tell you that baby is crying and he doesn't know why? I hope you say "I expect he needs feeding and his nappy changing", roll over and go back to sleep. Honestly, though, I would expect an eight year old to figure that out the second time without needing to ask.

I'd have to say that you do sound very obsessed with routines and schedules. Baby needs to be fed when hungry and changed when wet or dirty, but it really doesn't matter if that's 5pm on the dot.

[Poppet45]

I dont think you sound too controlling. You sound like someone who has been shouldering too much responsibility aline. If this situation doesnt change the birth of your second child could begin the slow and painful destruction of your marriage. Stop making excuses for your partners laziness. Am sure he manages to feed himself and wipe his own backside. Would you accept this level of parenting by you? Course not. Stop regarding him as hapless and incompetent. He needs a few full days incharge of his son and away from his mum.

[outtahell]

skylark2, DS1 is rarely on the dot. What I call his 4 o clock bottle is his about 4 o clock bottle - if he shows signs of being hungry before, he'll get it early - if he nods off until half 4, I'll make sure it's ready to go when he wakes up. It just aggravates me that DP just doesn't seem to understand looking at a clock when DS1 gets grizzly to try and figure how long it's been since a bum change or if it's about time for a feed. Of course DS1 gets changed when wet, but you expect a nappy check within a certain amount of time since the last one, right? And if your baby gets hungry at about 4 and you plan to be home by then so you don't take the 4-ish bottle with you, then you shouldn't be home at 5 with a crying baby.

[NewNamePlease]

They are surely the first two things you check with a grizzley baby, are they hungry/ do they need changing? You can't forget that.

YABU to have another baby with a man you can't even do the basics with your first.
Put it in your notes that the only visitors you want are DP and DS and tell midwives that ILs are not allowed in under any circumstances.

[wheresthelight]

I tried to ban all family from both sides for 48 hours after dd was born to no avail although I did prime the hospital staff that under no circumstances were they to allow my mother anywhere near the ward or labour room. luckily at our hospitals the maternity wing is a buzzer entry so no bugger gets in without them confirming with you it's ok It properly p#**ed on my mum's chips

I think that you may have to come to a better compromise on visits though and say they are welcome to come to you once you are home and settled (which you can string out) rather than no visitors for x days but definitely make them come to you!! I did all the travelling when dd was newborn and it was draining

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Write up a detailed timetable and give it to both of them. Update it regularly. Don't let him leave the house without a copy