To ask you fantastic folk for ideas to help my grandad see that life is still worth living.

[CountryMummy1]

My grandad had his leg amputated in January due to cancer but is now back on his feet thanks to a prosthetic leg. He is doing very well with it and can do practically everything he could do before. He then lost his wife suddenly in June. He is nearly 90.

We see him every day but he is driving my mum crazy at the moment. He phones her all hours of the day and night, fretting about silly things and she is getting exhausted.

I had a chat with him today and he feels life is not worth living. He has no hobbies or interests at all. He no longer watches the TV or listens to music. He says his one hobby was tinkering with cars (he was a mechanic) but he can't do that anymore (too long on his feet and getting into difficult positions). He was nearly in tears today and I feel so so sorry for him.

I have suggested joining a club but I think he has visions of them all sitting in silence looking at each other like they did in the Home he used to visit my nan's friend in.

He is ex forces so maybe there is something in that area?

Any ideas gratefully received x

[Lost247]

The Lego technics idea is a great one. Losing someone as close as your wife will take a lot out of your Grandad, more so at his age of 90. It may be an idea to have his grandchildren "if any" do the likes of Lego, Airfix Kits and Jigsaws with him. This should give him the mindset to keep on going in life. Social club outings is another good call, Bingo etc. it's really all down to your Grandad and whether you can convince him to stay occupied. I wish you and your Grandad all the very best.

[Itsfab]

Could you take your dog when you visit? Both would enjoy seeing each other .

[Catypillar]

Yes treatment for depression should be offered at any time in life- I have treated centenarians for depression and got them well again! It's so important for quality of life, we treat people's pain right up until the end of their lives so we should treat their mental health as well.

[BikketBikketBikket]

My friend's Dad was very ill earlier this year, and after he came out of hospital, he too was ringing her up frequently to tell her that he couldn't turn his TV on, or to cry and say that he was a senile old fool (he's 90).

His children managed to get him to accept -and take- some ADs from his GP, and he is now much happier, rings her once a day and has decided that life is worth living again. I'd echo the advice to talk to his GP - also to contact the Royal British Legion to see whether someone might be able to visit him from time to time.

I really feel for you all, and hope that things improve soon

[CountryMummy1]

I am also trying to get him to take my dog. He is a lovely old lab and loves nothing more than evenings in front of the fire. Our house is a bit too chaotic for him now with 2 children under 3 and he absolutely adores my grandad. Grandad is refusing at the moment but I will carry on talking about it. We will carry on doing the bulk of the dog care, grandad only has to give him a few biscuits and open the back door for him to have a wee at night.

[CountryMummy1]

Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful responses.

I do get the feeling that he thinks it is time to go but obviously we need to keep him going and as happy as possible until that time comes.

Thank you for the info about RAF Cosford. He lives 5 minutes away and loves planes. He would so enjoy that I think if we could find him something to do there.

We are sure he is very depressed and this is preventing him from doing anything which would help him - vicious circle. However, we were unsure if antidepressants and talking therapies would be offered at his time of life. We need to pursue this I think x

[honeypie10]

Was just about to come on and say sheltered housing but I see someone has beaten me to it. My grandad lost his wife when he was 72, he spent a few years living with his daughter (my aunt) but once he was back up to his usual self he made the decision to move into sheltered accommodation. Seeing how he recovered and came back to life has made the rest of the family all want to live in the same type of place when were all older.

He had tons of people around his age to get to know, from this he got the confidence to start a course at the local college and this went on for years, pottery, painting,ballroom dancing, he died this year aged 88 but ever 2 months before his death he had been dancing still for everyone and had come 2nd in a local art competition.

I agree though that he must be still suffering from the loss of his wife, The British Legion are brilliant at organising forces parties. my grandad used to go every month to his local one, would be worth a try even to give your grandad something to look forward to. I wish you luck, Its a horrible place to be to see your own family member so upset.

[beginnerrunner]

That must be awful for you. I mean this kindly so please don't take offense but perhaps he is just tired and if I get to his age I hope people will leave me to be a grumpy old sod if that's how I feel at the time. If I'm 90 odd the thought of people trying to get me to join things and socialise fills me with dread. So sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear. It's so difficult when it's your loved one.

[Aliennation]

I second the idea of an elderly pet-if he likes animals.
I work in a vets and a client of mine takes her lovely dogs round care homes, the impact they have is amazing, her stories bring tears to my eyes.

[Scrutler]

Depending on whereabouts in Shropshire but what about volunteering at the Air Museum in Cosford? They reimburse some travel expenses.

[Laloue23]

I'm sure there is a "men in sheds " in Shropshire - think I saw it in Shrewsbury library last week.

[cardibach]

Or even Royal.

[cardibach]

Bore has called it - Rotal British Legion. They offer support, friendship and a club to join if he'd like to. They are such a fantastic organisation. Give them a ring.

[antimatter]

I know that museums have volunteer groups who are maintaining and repairing old machines, trains, cars etc. - is there anything like that in your area?

[RunnerHasbeen]

Is there a pond near him where there is a model boat club? My dad got really into that for a wee while between retiring as an engineer and getting used to being retired. You can sit at the kitchen table for all your fiddling and go as basic or fancy as you like with engines.

[jellybeans]

My grandmother was similar. What helped was sheltered housing and joining social groups. I attended some with her at first and they are not like you describe. Many have very active activities such as bowling and trips out as well as daily coffee mornings. Quite a few men went to the ones I went to and they would talk about allsorts. It really makes a difference socialising, can add years to your life.

[florentina1]

I agree with the poster who mentioned the DNR. I know this may not be the time right now but after I told my stepfather that I was planning to do this for my mum, I asked him about himself. He has a heart condition and said that it would be a relief to go that way. It was a difficult conversation but I am glad we had it as he told me about his other wishes too. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Catypillar]

He sounds depressed- the phoning repeatedly overnight and not watching TV/radio would worry me a lot. (I'm an old age psychiatrist) He needs to see his GP, with a family member if he's not likely to tell them how bad it all is. I've seen tons of people in similar circumstances where you might think "oh well, they're old and bereaved and ill, it's all understandable" some antidepressants and/or talking therapy and they're way better a few weeks/months down the line. Hope he feels better soon. Loads of good ideas in this thread for him when he feels able to do these things.

[antimatter]

Would he be interested in repairing bikes?

My DGF did that for the price of parts for friends and neighbours until he was 91. It used to taking longer than for anyone in a bike shop but kept him busy for many years

[Greengrow]

My children's grandfather, an engineer who at 89 still works one day a week at his old company, brought out his first book last year!

It sounds as if the grandfather here is unhappy because his wife has died. it must be very hard for him. Could people have a look at whether he is eating the right foods to ensure he remains happy - lots of veg, good fish and meat, eggs and drinks a lot of water and gets out in the open air ideally every day? Those things along can make people of all ages feel a lot happier. If he really is very depressed he may need anti depressants.

[puntasticusername]

Oh, your poor Grandad, my heart goes out to him. As others have said, how about something mechanical on a smaller scale that he can do sitting down, eh building model cars or planes. Perhaps he could find a way of donating them to needy children eg via a children's ward, or hospice, which would give him some more social connections, a feeling of having purpose in his life etc?

[paxtecum]

I think some people just get to the stage where they've had enough of life and would like to go.
I know several older people who used to pray every night that they wouldn't wake up in the morning.

You may want to ask him about DNR.
A friend's father who is 93 and very fit and active until 6 months ago, collapsed and was resuscitated twice.
When he woke up he was horrified. He was ready to go and wished they had let him go.

I hope you don't think I'm being offensive, I don't mean to be. But after watching my own parents and other elderly people become frail I can understand why they want to go.

[Kundry]

He sounds depressed. These are huge things to adapt to at the age of 90 and that he isn't even doing things he could do eg watch TV suggests depression. V early dementia should be kep in mind as well.

If he won't go to or try things you suggest a visit to the GP is in order (and I normally hate on MN that GP is suggested for everything but I think this time it could do a lot of good). Depression is under recognised in men and the elderly.