Pretty sure it's DH but desperate for some reassurance . . .

[greatscott81]

So, I'm not a regular poster but I need some advice. I have spoken (at length) to friends about this but I need some objective advice. Apologies if long.

DH and I have been married 2.5 years and have an 18 month old DD. DH works away 4 days a week. That's fine, I'm more than capable of coping alone. However, there have been a few incidents which have worried me . . . I should start this by saying that we are both quite fiery and do argue frequently, however, recently it has come to a head.

a) we had an incident when we argued and he ended up dragging me out of bed by the arm whilst he had our daughter in his arms.

b) I found out he was looking at porn online and contacting women. I know he never met up with any of these women but if I hadn't found the evidence then even he has said he's not sure . . .

This week he has said that I NAG too much (we currently live in a cottage supplied by his parents - the boiler is broken and has to be switched on manually whenever you want hot water and it's outside. It's been like this for 3 years and I have to go outside twice a day to do so - with a toddler). This is what I nag about. If I don't nag then nothing gets done. I am quite proactive and I see him as being quite lazy. He always makes excuses for not getting things done and not allowing me any time to have a lie-in or do anything I want to. I run a small business so any free time I have is spent on that. Even though he initially supported me starting the business he is now becoming resentful about paying for me and DD and constantly throws in my face the fact he supports us. He has also said that he will buy me a house to live in with DD as he thinks we should separate. But then he calls me and says he loves me and acts like a couple . . .

I am extremely confused.

[BigPawsBrown]

Porn is an absolute no to me. It's disgustingly disrespectful and misogynistic. Pulling you out of bed by your arm is abuse.

Excuse curt responses, I have been in the office for 14 hours

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

I agree with everyone else, well bar one poster, you need to get out and I would look at going much further than a house in the same village. Staying so close will be unbearable, he's far too controlling.

You know you and your DD deserve so much better than this.

[BelleOfTheBorstal]

I think you need to get this thread moved to relationships.

[nickelbabe]

ifv his parents own the house, i think you should tell them about the boiler.
even if you're not paying rent, it's their responsibility as landlords.
at the very least it should shame him.

that's only one teeny issue.
iii, no problem (although the fact thatv it's been going on for 3 years and he's steadfastly refusing to fix it indicates an amount of emotional abuse too, as well as finiancial abuse)
everything you've posrted here are flasgs in shades of red, and i bet it you carried on talking about it, you'd end up with a big fire engine red flag'.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Contact womens aid

[Momagain1]

The fact that you dont have access to enough of his earning to sort out the household needs, including dealing with the boiler, is a huge red flag to me. Unless you have equal earnings and a budget divided by discussion, you need a joint account to access the money needed to care for your childmand make your home. How do you pay for your household expenses then? By begging him? An allowance? And by the way, do you guys live rent free in this cottage owned by his parents that doesn't have a working boiler? There is really no excuse that between them, he and his parents didnt sort this out within the first month, or certainly before the first winter!

On top of all this cheapness that reeks of control and neglect, he threatens you with separation, manhandles you and approaches other women?

Wanting it to be a solid marriage with an in-home dad isnt enough. Barring massive changes, this man is never going to take on the role you wish for him. People just dont change that much.

Start researching and setting yourself up for a move. No need to hurry, you dont seem to be in immediate danger, but you need to be planning your future, single-mum life.

[Parker231]

I'm not following this - the boiler isn't working. He thinks he can fix it cheaply but hasn't ? Why haven't you said you'll sort it out and just arrange for it to be repaired/replaced?

[DoJo]

Would you want your daughter to grow up and have a relationship like the one you have? Where she doesn't know from one minute to the next whether she's the love of her partner's life or an inconvenience to be disposed of into another house? Because that is an important factor in whether she will benefit from you endlessly trying to 'make' it work in the face of your husband's lack of interest.

FWIW my parents divorced when I was young and my mum went on to marry someone who I consider modelled fatherhood much better than my real dad has ever done, even with regular contact and theoretical involvement in my life from my dad. Had my parents stayed together I would have been exposed to more of my dad's self-centred nonsense and not had a role model who put his own needs aside to support me (which is something I don't remember my father ever doing).

Splitting up doesn't necessarily mean that your daughter will lose out - it may not be the family you had imagined, but you can give her the family she deserves, even if that is just the two of you.

[Mabelface]

He's nasty. Bachelor to father makes no difference - you went from being childless to a mother and that didn't make you turn into a complete and utter wanker. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't behave like a family man, he looks for sex elsewhere and he manhandles you. What are his good points? Your daughter would resent you not leaving if violence escalates and she grows up with it.

[sergeantmajor]

I wonder if you can picture a happy future, where your dd continues to have a meaningful relationship with her dad and you have a lovely new man in your life? I have a couple of friends who have come through relationship heartbreak to find a new partner who has given them joy and stability. If it helps, why not picture this goal and work towards it?

[CocktailQueen]

Yep! I think the boiler thing is a red herring - although that would really get on my tits. But he's been contacting women on porn sites? And he manhandled you? Both those are enough by themselves for you to think seriously about ending the relationship.

You and your dd may be better off by yourselves. Hugs. X

[greatscott81]

Thank you so much for all your support (I apologise for neglecting to name you all individually). i think I have known this for some time but you have all really made it obvious what I should do. For the record, I don't believe in the concept of a 'broken' home. The home I grew up in wasn't 'broken' and neither will my daughter's be. We will be happy and I hope to God that she never resents me for this.

[enWoooquethesythebearingwizard]

It just seems odd if the boiler itself works. Anyway, if everything else in life was ok then as I said, this heating situation is neither here nor there in the big scheme of things.

No one else can tell you what to do greatscott.
I can tell you what I would do if that helps any?

If my DH was contacting other women and if he aggressively manhandled me, then he'd be busy trying to work out arrangements to see his DC.

You've intimated that the events you've described are the tip of the iceberg and I think that comes across from the way you write.

[greatscott81]

yes I do - sorry xx

I know you're right. None of it is crazy really.

[greatscott81]

We've tried a simple repair but the blessed thing is so old it doesn't work. Honestly, I have exhausted all options when it comes to this sodding boiler. It is the bane of my life.

[enWoooquethesythebearingwizard]

Do you mean me greatscott? Usually enrique but am Halloweened Up as enWoooque

I think you have to consider the merits of keeping an unhappy family together versus creating a separate and happier family. Which seems crazy to you?

[greatscott81]

The stupid thing is that I don't mind him looking at porn. But I DO mind him contacting other women . . . and it was the context he used. I saw his messages and they said things like 'you look too beautiful to be from insertcounty which is the county where we live. If he'd asked to see a pair of tits or something nasty I could possibly deal with it but that's quite a sincere message - and very close to home. why would you contact someone so close to home without intent???

[enWoooquethesythebearingwizard]

Isn't it just a timer switch that needs replacing for the boiler? If it works when you go outside and switch it on, why do you need a full replacement and not a simple repair?

[greatscott81]

I'm not even sure I can copy your name!! But thank you. I think you're probably right. There are long-standing issues which are bubbling to the surface thanks to recent events. Sometimes you need affirmations that you're not crazy and I don't want to split up my gorgeous baby's family for nothing.

[greatscott81]

Quitelikely - he owns quite a lot of properties so is asset rich, and could release capital to buy a property. However, he is extremely mean and the idea of spending £5k on a boiler is hideous to him.

[enWoooquethesythebearingwizard]

The housing situation and the boiler are just irritants.

Looking at porn and contacting other women and dragging you out of bed by your arm are the issues here.

I think you know what you want to do and are looking not for advice but for affirmation. You don't need affirmation to do the right thing for you and your DD.

[greatscott81]

Bonbonbonoo - I'm sorry, but I disagree - how can you ever live with such utter disappointment? My DH would remain a father to her but we just wouldn't live together.

[Quitelikely]

Soooooo he has so much money he can buy you a house? But can't pay a few hundred pound to fix the heating?

Can't you call his parents and ask them to repair it or call a repair man yourself?

[ALittleFaith]

Your daughter can grow up with a Dad even if you two aren't together, if he steps up. But you shouldn't stay in a relationship that's not working just so he's around. My DH's parents were in a very unhappy marriage and everyone agrees them splitting up was best for the kids.

[greatscott81]

Solasum. I have tried to fix the problem but at the moment, he pays the bills (my business is in its infancy) and I can't spend the money without going through him. I have had 5 quotes for a new boiler, each of which he has discarded. I feel he is dragging it out as long as possible . . .

Yes, I do completely appreciate that bachelor to toddler is no easy step, but he wanted us to get pregnant quickly. When he's not arguing with me he is adorable with her and would protect her to the end of the world. I cannot doubt his love for her.

The problem is that whenever he talks about this he says 'stop nagging then' he doesn't grasp that he's done anything wrong. I'm not perfect and know I can change which I'm willing to do - but he doesn't budge.

SIGH.