11 year old playing 18 video games at sleepover

[Pupsiecola]

I'm sure this has come up before. DS will play age appropriate games on the Kindle/computer. He's seen 12 films if we've seen them or read about them on imdb. He's seen a couple of 15 films (James Bond). He's never seen an 18 film or played an 18 game.

He's come back from a sleepover and he's played a violent 18 game with his friend and his friend's dad. I'm really bloody cross. How dare another parent make this choice?! Of course DS doesn't really get what the problem is and thinks this dad is so cool. We are not killjoys. But I really think that allowing an 11 year old, let alone someone else's child, to play for at least 2 hours last night and again this morning is unacceptable. I don't know whether to say sth to these parents or just let it go and not let him go there again.

AIBU

[Davsmum]

You would be offended that someone checked your views on this sort of thing before they allowed their child to stay, merrymouse?
That surprises me.
Its common sense to know what your child will be allowed to do when at someone else's home, especially overnight.
I wouldn't give a monkeys if you were offended by me checking, if it were my child I was leaving in your care.
You can't just assume that everyone will agree on what is suitable for a child. That is why I said it is important you know enough about a family before allowing your child to stay over.

[Alsoflamingo]

YANBU!!!! You poor thing. I really feel for you. All this stuff makes me really angry as kids can't 'unsee' things. How dare another parent make that call on your behalf.

I have done some courses on e-safety and actually it has been shown that it is worse for people to play 18 rated games than to watch 18 rated films. This is because in a game you are 'part of the action' so you actually make decisions about what to do to people (e.g. in Grand Theft Auto you choose which method of torture to use on someone).

Doubt that made you feel better (sorry!!!), but I would chew the ear off the parent. Totally unacceptable. I get that they just will see stuff as they get older and will have to learn to make the right choices, but your boy is only 11 FFS.

[merrymouse]

To be honest, I can't imagine having a child stay at my house without also knowing the parents fairly well. I would also be offended if a parents checked that I wasn't going to give their 11 year old drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, take them to a night club or an 18 film.

[Pupsiecola]

I have actually dropped the mum a text today. I feel that enough time has passed that it's not an angry knee jerk reaction but I didn't feel I could let it go.

When I picked DS up the dad made a remark about teaching DS some things. I said "oh what's that then?" and he was a bit coy. Now I know. What an arse.

I would feel a bit judgy if I check with a parent beforehand the ins and outs of the sleepover (that is what it would feel like) but next time I now know I would ask and if they find it offensive to be asked then tough. But there won't be any sleepovers for a considerable amount of time.

I have also shown DS some of these threads and told him that 99% of them say IANBU. Because he needs to understand that this isn't his parents overreacting and being killjoys. He is a sensitive kid and he gets it.

[UptheHammers1]

YANBU, your child, your rules, but I can’t understand the ratings on these games being 18. A 17 year old can leave school join the Army and have to see some of these atrocities in real life, yet he’s not allowed to play a video game.

I am not a gamer in any way shape or form, but have just bought an X Box for the kids, I have seen COD and cannot see what the issue is, you can adjust the settings so the graphics are not as gory.

Grand Theft Auto is different, here you play a drug dealer, going round shagging prostitutes, selling drugs with all sorts of other gang related crime, with a lot more swearing, at least in the other games you generally play a soldier, which is something you can be proud of.

A lot also depends on the child, some children will see it as a game, play it and carry on being a normal quiet child, who has just played a video game, others will play it and turn into monsters, running round the house wanting to play Soldiers…


At the end of the day, they shouldn’t be allowed to play because they have a rating that isn’t age appropriate, my argument is more about changes the ratings to a more reasonable age.

[Davsmum]

How can any parent be offended by another parent checking that they are 'safe' to leave their child with?
I would be shocked if a parent was prepared to leave their child with me without making sure we had the same ideas about age appropriate things such as games or films or anything else for that matter.
I also would not mind at all if they asked me whether I approved of an 11 year old smoking or drinking.
When my daughter was 14, she had a friend whose very liberal mother let her kids have alcohol and allowed them to smoke in her house. Some girls stayed over there without their parents realising this until after the event.

Just because someone asks or checks does not mean they are insulting YOU - they are trying to make sure they have enough facts about where their child is staying.

[merrymouse]

Davsmum In reality I think you are probably more easy going that me. If I didn't know somebody well enough to know their views on these things anyway there would be no sleep over.

[Pupsiecola]

I'm shocked that this family behaved in this way. From previous conversations and time spent together I had thought we did have similar mindsets. Sure we don't know them inside and out because we've only lived here for 18 months. But the impression I got was that they are pretty much just like us.

Of course I would never let DS go to a sleepover where I didn't have a good feeling about the family. I also accept that all families are different and I don't want to be a total control freak where my kids are concerned. They are growing up and we need to allow them to do so safely. It's a fine line though, and there are boundaries for us, around this sort of thing.

[merrymouse]

I'm not saying you did anything wrong Pupsiecola

I think you were right when you said:

"These ratings are there for a reason. Isn't it just common sense and the right approach to parenting?! I can understand there being muddy waters if he was say 15/16, but he's 11."

It's like making sure a child wears a seatbelt. Somethings shouldn't have to be checked - although maybe I am just living in a little bubble.

[Pupsiecola]

I also think it's very telling that the mum does not approve. The mum was out at work. The dad was watching the kids. So I don't think it's indicate of family life per se.

[Pupsiecola]

Thanks merrymouse. I don't believe I did anything wrong either, apart from perhaps be too trusting and a little naive. Lesson learnt!!

[Canshopwillshop]

YANBU - the parents should definitely have checked with you first - totally irresponsible!

[sykadelic]

OP Did the mum reply to your text? What did she say?

[Pupsiecola]

No she didn't syk. That's not overly unusual but I do wonder if I've upset her. I hope that's not the case but tbh If that's the case that speaks volumes anyway.

I had just said that DS isn't allowed to play 18s or 15s and he should have said this, and that next time would it be possible to play sth else. I said I hope she understood and signed off.

I hope it hasn't caused a marital!

[jellybeans]

I agree with UptheHammers, some of the age limits being OTT. COD wouldn't bother me once well into high school age but not keen on GTA5 etc because of the strippers etc.

However if my DC's have a friend round I always check what they are allowed first.

My DTs were 10 when they went to a sleepover and parent let them play 18s. I was a bit peeved but didn't say anything.

[PTFswife]

OP I have been in this situation too. Plenty of the parents of my 10 year old son let them play anything. In fact even some of my 8 year old son's friends are allowed to play things like GTA. I have made it very clear to all of the parents that my kids aren't allowed to play on these games and to ask that they don't make them available.

The result: my kids don't get invited for sleepovers at their anymore. Too much of a ballache for the parents and the kids don't want my kids over if they can't play the violent games they're used to. This has resulted in mega arguments in our house. My kids think I am being mean. All because some parents cannot be arsed to think about what they're letting their kids play.

But you know what, they have some friends who have sensible parents and they do get to sleepover at their houses. And when we have kids come to sleepovers at ours and my boys want to watch a 12 film, I call the parent and ask if it's ok for their kid to watch it. They do the same with me.

That is normal, responsible, parental behaviour. Letting 11 year olds violently kill or rape isn't.

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

I really wouldn't expect to send an 11 or 10 year old in a play date only to find out they had been playing 18 games. A 17 16 year old maybe but 11?!

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

What did you say in your text by the way? I may have missed that bit

[Pupsiecola]

I had just said that DS isn't allowed to play 18s or 15s and he should have said this, and that next time would it be possible to play sth else. I said I hope she understood and signed off.

I thought that by text it would cause her less embarrassment (especially if she doesn't agree with it either) and would also be less confrontational. Still no reply so perhaps she has taken offence. I do hope not.

[Pupsiecola]

No reply to text and I've been unfriended on FB. I feel really upset but don't see that I've done anything wrong. Worked about implications for DS and me. But also know it's an extreme over reaction in her part. I expected her to just say oh okay, hadn't realised. I guess it speaks volumes.

[Alsoflamingo]

Oh Pupsie. That sounds really upsetting. But you know what? You have done nothing wrong - you need to remember that. I think it sounds as if the wording of your text was v. measured and reasonable. Imagine if it had been the other way round? I imagine any responsible parent would be mortified if they thought they'd done something inappropriate when in charge of someone else's child. The fact that she is being so hostile to me suggests your child is better off not round at their house anyway.

[Pupsiecola]

Thank you. Meant to read worried, not worked. I am trying to remember how this all started! We lift share for school so I guess that's off too!

[signin]

i doubt they think they did anything wrong if they let their own dc play it at that age , i expect your ds would of felt silly saying he wasnt allowed , your txt sounded blameless so im surprised she didnt answer you .

[Siarie]

I played 18 rated games when I was around 11 and it didn't do any harm to me. Back then I don't think it had even crossed parents minds as it was all very new. I enjoyed them and I knew this is a game not real life. All my brothers did too actually.

But YANBU if you don't want your children watching those things. However I would say that you need to make other parents aware of your rules.

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

That sounded like the perfect text. Stating he wasn't allowed to play 15's 18's but that your son should have said something clarifies things and also gives your son responsibility too.

To unfriendly you on FB she must have taken offence. It's her choice to react in such a stroppy fashion though as she could have easily said 'thank you for telling me. I'll remember for next time, there's lots of other things they can do together so don't worry.'

She must totally fine about her own kids playing 18's and sees your text as a judgment about her parenting