To feel apprehensive about a baby even when we're TTC?

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

I really want a family. I love kids. But I'm honestly not totally crazy about babies and pregnancy and new-motherhood are a pretty frightening prospect. I feel like I should be excited but I'm just about the last of all my friends to have a baby and I've seen them all go through it. I'm scared of lots of things, including (but not limited to):

1. Losing all sense of myself. A decent proportion of my friends seem to have had a total personality transplant on becoming mothers. Some have turned into serenely superior saintly breastmilk factories who never swear or joke or laugh. Others have seemingly lost the ability to be polite - constantly asking for favours, never saying thank you etc. Lots of them can't talk about anything other than their DC, don't even ask how I am when we chat etc. No judgypants here - I'm not blaming them but I do feel a bit sad for them and I'm scared I'll go the same way.
   

1. Becoming competitive/judgmental as all buggery. Lots of my friends, even though they are very sweet people, are constantly telling me what other mothers are doing wrong. They try to dress it up as "each to their own, that didn't work for me" but what they are really doing is slagging one another off and looking for me to agree with them. What on earth are they going to say about my inevitable myriad of fuck ups? They've all got so much advice and so many opinions and they express them really strongly (DH and I spent 20 mins the other day being lectured by a friend (and her DH) about how people who ff are "literally poisoning their babies"). Gulp.
   

1. Spending 18 months feeling terrified/bored/enslaved. I've had some anxiety and depression in the past and I have various tendencies (hypochondria, perfectionism) that I can imagine are going to make me a mumzilla, rather than the chilled out, "sane" mother I'd like to be.
   

Sorry this probably sounds desperately churlish. I know some of you are going to say don't bother, but I genuinely want a family and so does my DH and I'm going to 35 this week so I feel like it's crunch time, but the prospect is at least as scary as it is exciting. AIBU?

[BumpNGrind]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and there have been times when the reality of what we are doing scares me to death. What if I'm awful? What if I can't do it? What if I don't like my baby? What if DH is an amazing parent and I'm useless?

I really wanted to ttc and had to wait a little while until DH was ready. When he was ready it was like firing shot had been fired and we just went for it- caught on the second month. I don't know if during that time I really thought about if I was ready, but looking back I'm not sure how I could have even done that, I just felt it.

However, during the pregnancy I have developed an almost lioness protectiveness for my baby bump and am genuinely excited. I'm worried about PND and about being awful but I have tried to talk about it as openly as possible and DH knows my concerns and what the signs are just in case.

I'll be the first out of my friends to have a baby, I was also the first to buy a house and get married. I've already found that there are times when I feel a bit lonely as I watch my friends update their facebook from another amazing night out but I know I've made the best decision for me because I wouldn't actually want to swap places with them.

Also, the second you start TTC or fall pregnant everyone has an opinion or piece of advice for you, it's very very strange!

[GreenPetal94]

We got regular babysitters from the start. I expressed bottles and left them to it. We went out with friends who didn't have kids and interestingly even now (kids 11 and 13) my closest friends mainly don't have kids.

I find it annoying when people act like just because they have a baby they can never leave the house again.

My advice is just to keep trying, having a lot of sex is a top tip!

If you become a mum you will find your own path and remember babies grow up and become great companions

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Oh x-posts - nope, some of them are still in baby stage but no one is in very-early-first-baby stage so they are all "old hands" now

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

I dunno minipie maybe I'm just super-sensitive to it. They aren't overtly preachy/judgy really except the "formula is POISON" couple who are militant about everything. But there is a lot of talking behind each others' backs. I suppose I get the brunt of it because I'm the only one with no kids so they use me to vent a bit, thinking I won't have an opinion and/or won't mention it to anyone else!

I'm very "let's all hold hands and play nicely" so maybe I just get extra bothered by it. Oh and obviously ttc at the same time as being used as a sponge for everyone's pregnancy/parenting opinions is pretty crap. Although I haven't told them we are ttc so I suppose it's not really their fault.

[minipie]

Ah - I notice your friends are all beyond the baby stage? that may explain the judginess, they have forgotten what it was really like! it's amazing how quickly the rose tinted specs of hindsight descend

[minipie]

Hmm, it does sound like you have a particularly judgey/competitive circle of friends (or at least ones who are particularly open about it). I've not heard any of my parent friends say to another that they are doing something wrong.

The closest it tends to get is a pretty tentative "have you tried xxx? I did xxx and it worked for me... but of course your baby may be different..." Of course there is a little more judginess behind backs but still not to the level you're describing.

If anything I've found people have been much less judgey once they have a baby and realise what the reality is like (eg you can be as pro routine as you like, but not all babies will comply...)

[Sparrowlegs248]

I'm with you OP. I am ttc #1 and am on cycle 18 - I'm 37 and have been for tests today. So the things you describe have taken a back seat to 'what if we CAN'T have children? And that fear is gripping me atm. My main worry is that I struggle to be a nice human being if I don't get time alone. How on earth will I cope?! I do have DH, and we both have parents close by but still, having someone there constantly scares me a bit!

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

I totally agree with that. It makes me for my friends -they are busy slagging each other off because they all feel insecure and judged. A judgypants catsbum viscious circle! But I can understand it, hence why it worries me a bit for myself.

Am mucho reassured by all the posts tho...

[cailindana]

True although I think the open judginess and thinking things are "wrong" comes from insecurity. I think some parents really really struggle with the notion that there's no one right answer. I also think people cling to their pre-children principles, which no longer work or make sense, and react to any suggestion that they be a bit more flexible with a condemnation of all other ways.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

cailindana I think maybe we're getting into semantics but I don't think what you're describing is actually being judgemental. To my mind, that's just comparing your experience/approach with that of others, which is absolutely natural, as you say. Everyone does it.

But when that spills over into thinking what the other person is doing is "wrong", then I think that's judgemental. Certainly voicing one's opinion to the other mother concerned or to other friends strikes me as judgemental/competitive.

[xxx28xxx]

Yes cailindana that's what I was trying to say but I meant I don't openly judge and I wouldn't be nasty about others parenting/lecture others like op's friends (no offence op). One thing I have learnt is to do whatever it takes to survive lol and i understand that often that is what other mums are doing when they make their choices :)

[EmberElftree]

I can understand Cabbage we are ttc on cycle 3 after mmc in May.

Terrified in case I do get pregnant again and terrified in case I don't.

What if I do and 9 months later I have a little person to look after? Kepping them alive as one of my friends says is a highly stressful job

Pickle 3 of my best friends have children, one was a party animal yet laid back & easy breezy and she turned into a monster when she had her DD. We weren't allowed to even flush the loo in case it woke the baby when round at hers and had to pee on a whole days worth of loo roll and 'matter'.

My other friend swore when we were at uni that she hated kids - she now has 3 and is an awesome mum, laid back and very natural with them.

My other friend has stayed exactly the same she is nearly horizontal in her laid-back attitude with her 2 DSs.

Funny how it affects different folk eh? I'm also 35 so I feel like I'd better get a wriggle on like you Cabbage!

[cailindana]

Whenever a parent says "I don't judge other parents" all I think is "bollocks." Everyone judges others when it comes to something they care about, and parents care about being parents. They don't necessarily think other parents are awful or anything, but they definitely look at others and think "I wouldn't do that."

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Thanks xxx28 - that all makes sense. I do have a good support system around me, although precisely nobody without babies- I am a slow coach (and it is constantly being commented on - always fun when you're TTC and feeling a bit anxious).

I don't think (or at least I hope) that I won't become a judgey/competitive mum. I suppose I'm more concerned that my friends will just keep telling me (or each other) that I'm doing everything wrong. As I said in the OP some of them have very strong opinions. One of them has even called social services on another mum from her antenatal class. (I won't go into it but it kinda scared the crap out of me!)

[xxx28xxx]

Ps I would add that I don't judge or "compete" with other mums. It's fairly easy to avoid that type of parenting style if you want to

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Lol - yes, that's my general impression

[xxx28xxx]

I have a 14 week old and in some ways I have "lost myself" but I think that inevitable and something I don't actually mind anymore. However I think a lot of it comes down to having a good support unit, family and friends help me keep some "normality" and none of my friends have babies yet so the chat isn't dominated by my wee one. I did however make some new mummy friends so I could social with people with young babies who know what I am going through.

I think if you want a family then you should go for it. You won't know how you feel about anything until the baby is here. I know I had all this preconceived ideas and everything is so so different to what I thought. You must end up going with the flow and like others say the 1st year you are wrapped up in baby land but things even out/change as they grow.

My baby is still young and I find it hard but for different reasons to what you are worried about. However I love my life now and although we have given up a lot to have him, sleep and freedom!!, I wouldn't change it and I can't remember my pre baby life now.

Good luck with whatever you decide :)

[NickyEds]

Don't be scared, having a baby's ace. Mostly

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

InThisTogether and Nicky I suppose it comes down to the old "there's never a perfect time" thing. I am still a bit surprised by how scared I feel, despite having decided it's time to TTC. I have no doubt it will be the right decision but still feel a bit [squeaky bum emoticon]

MagicalmrM bully for you, eh? I just started the thread to see if other people had similar worries to me, which judging by pps, some do. (And btw no one was slagging EBF - another poster and I were just discussing that when you have concerns about being higher risk of PND, you do tend to start considering things that might be a factor in that and EBF might be one of them.)

[magicalmrmistofelees]

I find this thread a little odd to be honest OP! You don't want to become a certain type of person? Then don't. You are the only person who can control your thoughts and actions. Having a baby is all consuming and your priorities certainly change, but I have to say that none of my friends have become selfish bores since having children and I like to think I haven't either! We still go out together, have a drink, talk about none baby related things and, shock horror, I exclusively breast fed! You're trying to conceive a baby, not undergoing a personality transplant.

[NickyEds]

InThisTogether I thought that when I was pregnant! We had always wanted children in a kind of abstract-in-the-future-sometime way but we were happy the way we were and probably wouldn't have done ivf had we struggled to conceive. I think it's totally understandable to worry about it. We were Ready- Secure financially, emotionally and happy in our relationship but I have found the last 7 months hard. That said I wouldn't change it for the world. DS is amazing......and now I sound like one of those mums!

[InThisTogether]

it's funny OP, I had a thought today that has never struck me before. We are ttc and suddenly I realised that we will only stop ttc when we actually concieve or when we realise we can't. Then it hit me - do I really want to have a baby? I am now on this track and not sure whether I want to be. I think it's natural to be worried though. That's not very helpful of me but your post struck a chord with me!

[goodthinking99]

YANBU, but it will be ok. I'm with toomuch and confused here, I found the first year full of anxiety/boredom/loneliness/exasperating routines I couldn't manage and mourned deeply my previous existence (having had a long time existing previously - gave birth as an old gimmer just shy of 42 ). But amazingly and, of course, unsurprisingly the overwhelming first year passed, it got better and better, and now I'm the old me again, but new and improved because of my fabulous DD who has just started school (cue overwhelming pride) if a little busier disorganised as a full time working parent.

It was an absolute baptism of fire but I wouldn't have missed it. Good luck with the roller coaster ride to come, one thing for sure is that you can't predict or plan any of it. And that's a good thing.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Thanks Nicky, minipie, and happylass -you're quite right. And that's very reassuring actually. Maybe I'm both NBU and BU. I do love my friends, including the ones who seem to have had their heads a bit stuck up their bums (understandably). Hopefully I'll also remember all this when I get my own head stuck up there!

[Happylass1]

Nought worse than a baby bore, i make an effort to try and ask my friends/ colleagues about all the things that aren't kid related. U are a bit weird for a year but it was still the best year of my life. I have a massive family history of postnatal depression so was very worried about that but i was fine. The best thing is to go with the flow i do find people who try too much to have their old lives are the ones who find it tough (not in a judgey way!) cos it's a new way of life just different and bloody great most of the time