I think I was, but I think my parents were, too?(Sorry, long)!

[sunflower49]

I'm currently taking care of a friend's house (well her pets , she has cats and hens) whilst she's on holiday. I live an hour and a half's drive from my parents but my friend's house is close to my friends', so I told my Mum that I'd visit them a lot whilst here.

I am a bit neurotic whilst looking after other people's animals I must admit, always scared something will go wrong whilst I'm in charge!

Anyway last night, (my first night here)I told my Mum that once I'd put the hens away I'd drive over. However I then remembered that my Dad often likes me to have a drink with him when I visit, and it being my first night, he probably would-so I called my Mum again and said 'Do you want to pick me up, and then I'll get a cab back later, so then if Dad wants to have a drink with me then I can have one too?'

My Mum said won't be necessary, Dad doesn't want to have a drink, we're both up early so it won't matter just drive over. So I said okay, I'll come over about 830pm and I planned to just drive back to my friends later on when they went to bed.I could hear my Dad in the background and my Mum did say to him 'You're not having a drink tonight, are you' and him saying no.

Because I thought I'd be back, I didn't check that the cats were all in the house, and I did shut the hens away but I wasn't meticulous about it-as I planned to give them another check when I got back.

Anyway during the evening my Mum says 'Oh in the morning I'll show you ...' etc etc. I said, 'No I'm not staying over , remember?'

It got a bit later on and my Dad says 'Are you staying over?' I said 'No, I've got to be back later on to check on the animals'. I thought we arranged this over the phone?

He got slightly agitated and said 'You're staying there on your own?Stay here-I don't want you going back there this late'. I said that I thought this had all been sorted out on the phone, it was the reason I telephoned to make arrangements, the reason I asked my Mum if I should leave the car etc.

He thn offers me a glass of wine, saying he was only having one glass did I want one. I said no, I would have left the car if I knew I was having a drink.

HE shouted at me to stop blaming other people, to stay over the animals would be fine, I came too late to be leaving again..., then my Mum joins in saying I'll be fine to stay over etc.

I'm a bit annoyed at this point, I dont have a toothbrush, my phone charger, any night clothes, I'm in charge of the animals and I wanted to be satisfied everything was okay before I went to bed-which is why I tried to organise the evening properly....But I figured it would probably be okay and he poured me half a glass of wine, which I had about half of.

Anyway we talk for a bit and my Dad asks about the animals and says I shouldn't worry they'll be fine. Then it begins to rain and I say I should really have made sure the cats were in, and then my Dad says he'll come with me to check on them and then come back. It's 11pm by this point.

My Mum starts shouting that I can't drive I've had a drink , I say I don't like driving even after 1 especially when I'm tired but I know I'm not over the limits,after just a few mouthfulls, so it doesn't matter. I don't know what to do at this point but I don't want to trouble my Dad so I say don't come with me, I'll nip back, check on things then come back.

As I'm getting into my car my Mum comes out saying not to come back, It's late just to go. I havent taken my bag with me as I thought I was coming straight back so I tell her this, walk back in to get my bag and then my Mum and Dad both start arguing about the situation, I say something to the lines of I tried to organise the evening properly and had acted accordingly, they're the ones who changed things, this goes on for a few mins and I think sod it I'll stop over, the animals will be okay I know I'm being paranoid, so I come back into the house and it lulls.

About 5-10 mins later, my Mum goes to bed and a few mins after that, my Dad gets up and says he's going to bed!!!

So what was the big deal about my needing to stay over? If they were both just going to bed anyway?

Before anybody says 'Just ask them', they're the sort where I can't discuss things after the event. My Mum'll just shrug it off and my Dad will say 'Ah sunflower shut up' or something to those lines.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

You sound so indecisive OP. Perhaps that drives your parents mad hence they feel the need to boss you around like a child. Very odd all round.

[NoodleOodle]

They sound like hard work, really hard work.

[murmuration]

Give it a try. Don't stress if it doesn't train them -- I told my folks that since I was off to Uni, and it never seemed to sink in. They even attempted to control things like my plans for moving internationally and buying a house! But I just told them I was doing as I please, and did it.

It's exhausting, but so is events like the evening you describe, and at least you can maintain your personal dignity.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I have never done that. It would seem the correct thing to do if I was 18/20/25 even but not now?! I'm not even a young adult?Am I?lol I don't know what it classed as young."
Well, if you'd done it at 18/20/25 you'd have had them 'trained' by now . Why not now? It's never too late. Old dogs can learn new tricks y'know, total fallacy that they can't . Good luck.

[sunflower49]

Lol 10. I meant 20.

[sunflower49]

I have never done that. It would seem the correct thing to do if I was 18/10/25 even but not now?! I'm not even a young adult?Am I?lol I don't know what it classed as young.

We were never a 'close' lovey sort of family. They never 'babied' me or anything. I left home young, got a job, went to Uni, got a job.....lived away from them....

You're right. Maybe I'm insecure about them. I'll have a long think about it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"To be fair, I moved away for uni and didn't return, and I didn't see a lot of them for many years, and my Father didn't take much interest for much of my life so I guess I'm sort of flattered that they want me to stay over-however I left early this morning and they were leaving as I left-so what's the point in staying over if we all just bugger off when we get up, anyway?"
It is normal not to return after being at uni (or at least it was in the past).
It is normal to not see a lot of your parents when you are young, building your career, maybe travelling, establishing your own life.
It is not normal to feel flattered that your parents want you to stay over.

TBH your parents sound distinctly odd. They treat you like a child when you are in your thirties, shout at you when you do not immediately comply with their wishes and are complete drama queens over nothing.

I don't think you acted unreasonably, except in putting up with their nonsense. When they started badgering you, it would have been better to say 'I hadn't planned to stay, I haven't brought my stuff with me, I'll be driving back as planned.' Stop pandering to their controlling shite.

Have you ever tried, when they start this nonsense, just shutting them down by pointing out that you are an adult and will do as you please (and then doing as you please)?

[sunflower49]

pretty, I wasn't bothered about staying over ,after I'd considered that the animals would be fine, my friend wouldnt have an issue with it, etc. I posted because I wanted to take other's opinions on whether or not my behaviour was unreasonable, and whether or not my parents were, in nagging at me to stay.In the end I just wanted to keep the peace and thought 'sod it , I'll stay'. But I posted here to see what other people thought of it.


I think everybody who posts in AIBU would rather be told 'No you're not', so I can't really comment on the looking for reassurance thing.

Thanks murmur. It's interesting to hear that other people's parents are similar, and I will try that! The only issue I can see being that my 'rents do not communicate very well!

Anyway, I'm there for dinner tonight with my Sister and other family members, too. I will decide in advance if I'm staying over or not, and I will stick to it!

[murmuration]

Sympathies, OP. They sound like my parents. And I agree they (yours and mine) are very odd.

I doubt there is much you can do to make them see you as an adult. I had basically given up on the idea, until it apparently clicked with them when at 39, I had a child. It's been weird actually interacting with them as fellow adults for the last two years. I'm not convinced it will last.

But things I've learned from before: make up your mind what you are going to do. You can't plan around them, because their plans will morph and change in an attempt to control you. So, in your recent experience, you could have either phoned your Mum and said, "I'd like to spend the night. Can I?" or "I can come by for a quick visit, and will be back here. Do you want to see me?" So their choice is to see you or not, but not how they see you, if that makes sense? Any wavering or uncertainty on your part is an invitation for them to step in and "solve" things for you. Don't give them that opportunity.

[cansu]

They sound mad tbh. I think as they are a bit difficult I would be very clear with them and once the arguing starts just leave.

[prettybird]

You obviously were bothered by it as otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here.

Sounds like you are looking for reassurance you were NBU - despite the thread title where you appear to shoulder the blame.

For the avoidance of doubt: you were not being unreasonable in stating your plans and your parents were being unreasonable in pressuring you. If you had wanted to stay, that would have been fine, but what they did was emotional blackmail.

You are an adult now. It's great to have (or to rebuild) an ongoing relationship - but one that is based on FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) is not a healthy one - for you or for for them.

[FryOneFatManic]

Your parents will not necessarily had a specific instance that makes them think you are still a child. It's quite likely they just haven't let go.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

This is all very, very, very odd.

[JessieMcJessie]

You're in your mid thirties and have lived away from home since University, yet your Dad said "I don't want you going back there this late"? You would not have been out walking in the dark, just driving your own car from door to door. That's ridiculous. They need to accept that you drive at whatever time of the day or night you want when you are not visiting them and they cannot and should not control where you go and when you go there.

[sunflower49]

Thank you. Yes I do welcome the new relationship.

I'm a very easy going person, but I'm also stubborn and if I really don't want to do something no way will I do it!

I think here the issue was that when I considered it, I wasn't that bothered either way. I was at first then when I thought about it, it didn't really matter if I stayed, and it was obviously causing him an issue if I didn't KWIM?
yellow you may be right. I'm trying to pinpoint something that has caused them to think I'm still a child. I'm not married?But in a LTR. I am a bit daft I suppose!
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'll try to be more assertive with him. My Mother is usually very easy-going.

[LittleBearPad]

You're in your thirties. I thought you were going to say 18 or so!

If you wanted to go back then go back. And if they shout ignore them. They're being very odd.

[pictish]

Absolutely kentish.

[kentishgirl]

This is all a bit weird and I think you need to start standing up for yourself and behaving more like an adult if you want to be treated like one.

A 30 year old woman can
a) drink or not drink when she chooses to - it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing
b) Drive at whatever time she likes
c) Decide for herself how long a visit will last
d) Not accept being shouted at by her Dad

[yellowdinosauragain]

It is unhealthy you're right. I totally get you welcoming this new relationship with your dad but the way your parents try to control you is not on. Do you think they still see you as a child because you had an extended period of time when you didn't see them?

If this is the case you need to stamp on this now by being firm about your own decisions. This won't get any better unless you do...

[sunflower49]

yellow it isn't the only time. We do fell running togther too. He isn't a big drinker, in fact he hadn't drank for years until recently. My Mother doesn't drink at all so I think he welcomes it that I will drink with him.

It wasn't even really about the drink, last night as he only had one glass and I had even less-but an argument still ensued about my staying over!

I do welcome the having a drink together because I'm pleased that my Dad and I get along now. But the reason I posted this thread was to see what other people, outsiders, thought about the way they behaved when I didn't want to stop over. He always wants me to stay over-and I agree I'm easily swayed, I'm glad he wants me around now as he didn't used to. I know this is unhealthy as I am writing it. Ugh.

[sunflower49]

momniotent my friend wouldn't mind me staying at my parents'. I said upthread we discussed it and I said I probably would. She doesn't mind as long as they animals are fed and watered and the hens are let out in the morning and put away in the evening. I wouldn't defer from that and it isn't what the thread's about.

I also said upthread that I didn't particularly want or not want to have a drink last night-I wasn't bothered either way so if he'd have said he wanted to have a drink with me I'd have left the car, sorted the situation to my satisfaction and had one too, or if he didn't-I would have taken the car and left.

Thanks for the advice pictish

vital yes I know. My Mum never shouts, my Dad does and always has done. I too think It's strange, but looking back yes I should have been more firm in my plans. Because it didn't really matter , I knew the animals wouldn't benefit all that much from my return or not, I gave in. I just thought it was bizarre to nag me to stay over when they were going to bed and leaving in the morning, as in what's the point?I'd understnad if they were staying up later and I could have breakfast with them etc.

[pictish]

I've been swayed to stay over many times before- my Father acts as if It's a personal insult if I want to leave.

That's no good. It's a form of control.

Just do what you want to do.

[yellowdinosauragain]

But why is the only way you can spend time with your dad to have a drink? Honestly, I like a glass (or few) of wine as much as the next person but if someone tried to bully me into having one when I didn't want to, I'd be more likely to poor out over their head!

I enjoy a drink with my parents too but if I was at theirs and declined a glass of wine because I needed to drive home their response, and that of most normal balanced people, would be 'no worries can I get you something else instead?' And we'd still have the quality time together....

[momnipotent]

Bizarre.
If I had asked you to look after my animals and the arrangements were that you stay at my house then I would expect you to be at my house.

You sound quite pathetic tbh. Your Dad wants to have a drink - fine, you don't have to. You feel like you should leave so you just get in your car and leave FFS!

Very strange.