Is DNiece being unreasonable or is her DH's Ex?

[Sunna]

DN is stepmother to one child and mother to 3, the youngest with her DH.

They and his ex have a cordial relationship and all parties are flexible about access. Her DSD (aged 9) is with her and her DH about 40% of the time on average.

DH's job involves him being on call one Sunday in four. He isn't usually called in but has to go if called. Ex has been happy for DN to look after DSD, even when DH isn't there. Usually this happens before and after school as well and it's worked fine until now.

Last weekend DSD did something dangerous that could have hurt her baby sister. DN explained why it was dangerous and that it mustn't happen again. Within an hour DSD did exactly the same thing again and admitted it was deliberate because her sister "was being annoying". DN again explained that she could have hurt her sister badly and put her on "time out". DSD sulked when she was "released" from time out after 10 minutes and was still grumpy when she went home.

After DSD had gone home Ex phoned and was very angry. She has said that DN is not allowed to discipline DSD at all, only DH. After talking to DH DN told Ex that, if that was the case then next time DH was called into work she would take DSD home to her or not have her at all on weekends when DH is on call. Plus she would no longer look after DSD before and after school, unless DH was also there because it was her home and her rules. And all DCs in the house had to keep the rules. And she wouldn't make an exception of DSD.

Ex wasn't at all happy and said she didn't mind DN looking after DSD (it suits her more than it suits DN) just that she wasn't to discipline her. DN finished the conversation by saying that in future she would not undertake any childcare unless DH was also there.

Ex says this is unreasonable because she'll have to pay a child minder. DN and her DH say that's tough, it's her choice.

I think DN is right but I'm biased.

[Shelby2010]

Actually I think they are wrong, DH has given DN permission to discipline DSD so how can Ex veto that unless there are child protection issues?

DH should have told Ex in no uncertain terms that DN will continue to discipline DSD as required during contact times whether he is there or not. If Ex doesn't want DSD to spend extra time with DN alone she is free to arrange her own childcare for the other times.

However DN might want to factor in an extra warning stage for DSD (when appropriate) as it must be harder for her going from a more lenient house to a stricter one.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Shelby

Last weekend DSD did something dangerous that could have hurt her baby sister. DN explained why it was dangerous and that it mustn't happen again. Within an hour DSD did exactly the same thing again and admitted it was deliberate because her sister "was being annoying". DN again explained that she could have hurt her sister badly and put her on "time out"

Sorry, but I disagree that DSD needs more 'warnings' - she was doing something dangerous, she was told not to and it was explained why is was dangerous. She is NINE.

[RandomMess]

Urgh it's one of those situations where the DSD wanted to moan at her Mum and get sympathy and her Mum has gone OTT in lioness mode. Most of the time our dc just need to be heard not for parents to step in and over react.

Really hope it resolves itself, poor DSD will be petrified to ever moan to her Mum again!

[itsbetterthanabox]

Her DH the child's father should be looking after his child. Obviously in her care she needs to keep control on of the house but it saddens me that the father just leaves his daughter with his GF

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

itsbetterthanthebox Have you actually READ the thread? Or just kicking off making assumptions?

and 'saddens' - purrrrrrrrrlease.

[Sunna]

It's DSD's mother who "just leaves" her, itsbetter. Read the OP properly, please.

Very occasionally her father is called into work when she's staying with them. The other times that DNiece is looking after DSD, taking her to school and collecting her, it's for her mother, so she doesn't have to pay for child care when DSD is her mother's charge.

DSD stays with her father and DNiece 40% of the time and he's usually there.

If your going to be saddened be saddened at the right person.

[Sunna]

*you're

[Shelby2010]

Latte

That's why I said more warnings 'when appropriate', which clearly this occasion wasn't. I probably could have put it better, but I was thinking more of things like being cheeky or not tidying up when asked. Just on the basis that the OP said DN is quite strict and DSD will be less in the habit of following their normal house rules than the other DC so may feel she gets told off more.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Your DN is absolutely right and it is great that her husband realises this. The Ex just can't have her cake and eat it. Either she trusts DN to look after her child or she doesn't.

I never left my dd with anyone I didn't trust and I always made it quite clear that they could discipline her if she behaved badly. You can't look after a child that you can't discipline if needs be.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

That was rather insulting calling DN the GF when in the OP and Title it states "DH", they have a child together too, then DN isnt just a random person DSD's father just met, they are a family and they include DSD in that family with approval from DSD's Mother.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Shelby

if the OP starts treating the DsD differently when in her care the other DC will notice, How is that fair?

[Sunna]

Ex has had a change of heart. She must have remembered they are back at school next week.

She is perfectly happy for DN and DH to disciple DSD as long as no one smacks her. This is fine with them because they never smack any of their children. The only one who has ever smacked DSD is her mother.

DN and DH are going to have a talk with DSD about her baby sister and spell out how things have to be.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I suspected that would be the case, after all, who wants to lose free childcare.

[Castlemilk]

Hah! What a surprise.

I'd make her cack her pants by letting her know that actually, I had rethought the whole situation and thought it best that we stick to the actual parents always being around, except in an emergency when on father's time. That I wouldn't want to feel I'd bulldozed Ex into having to leave her child in a situation she clearly wasn't happy with. No, on reflection, I don't mind at all if she avails herself of paid childcare from now on.

[Fairenuff]

Sounds like a sensible resolution.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Castle

I'd want to do that too! But I wouldn't just incase DSD heard about it and felt unwanted.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Love your answer Castlemilk