To have burst into tears whilst on the phone to dh? And now I don't know what to do.

[Tory79]

I am 34 weeks pregnant so probably that in itself makes it reasonable.... But here's the story anyway.

We started major building work on our house 3 weeks ago, a double story extension. Ds(2.11) and I have moved to my mums which is 3 hours away. Dh is with his parents, as they are just a few minutes from our house so he can oversee the building work and do a lot of the interior work (whilst also working full time as well) so we are both quite stressed, me because I'm heavily pg and just want to nest and get things sorted, dh because of the pressure of the house.

Dh has always maintained he was sure most of the work would be completed by the time I was looking to come home - which is in just over 2 weeks, when I'll be 37 weeks. Not finished, but manageable and just about liveable. I've always doubted this, but dh has always told me I'm just being negative so today I asked him to actually ask the builders where they thought they'd be in 2 weeks time. Surprise surprise, they reckon they'll have finished the lower level, so be half way through the extension, with roof and interior fitting etc still to do. And of course that's not allowing for any more delays.

It's plain to see that our house is still going to be a building site by the time the baby is due. Funnily enough I burst in to tears. Dh got all stroppy and asked if we should just stop the building work then etc etc which just made me cry more - he's not good with just offering a shoulder to cry on or some sympathetic words, I. Fact to be honest he's shit at it and just gets annoyed. I ended up pretty much just hanging up on him. All things considered I don't think I was unreasonable to have just lost it a bit, after all, he's the one who's felt the need to go on and on about how it will all be fine and I'm just thinking negatively (or realistically, as I prefer to see it...)

And in terms of not knowing what to do...well the options are

Stay here at mums for longer, running the risk I'll end up giving birth down here, but where I have friends, and most importantly, my mum Ds is also supposed to be starting pre school when we go back, and we would have to delay that also.

Go back and stay with dh and his parents. That seems like the logical option, but their house is small, they are both retired so around all day. I've stayed with the, before and found it really hard work and unable to relax. I like his mum but find his dad hard work, and would feel very uncomfortable at this stage in the pg with him. Mil is very phobic about all things medical, so if I went in to labour etc it would be fil I'd have to turn to - dh is often 3-5 hours away for work. But ds would be able to start pre school, we'd see dh occasionally (not seeing him at all at the moment) and at least I'd be in the vicinity of the house....

The pregnant hormonal part of me just wants to stay with mum, the logical side of me says it would make more sense to go back and stay with pil. If it wasn't for pre school it would be a much easier decision, I'd stay with mum maybe up until 39 weeks (assuming baby didn't come sooner)

Sorry for the essay. I think I'm having pre baby blues as I seem to be generally in tears at the moment. I am pissed off with dh, mainly for his complete inability to be at all sympathetic, but also for his steadfast refusal to admit even the possibility of the house not being at all ready to live in. I should add I don't hold him responsible for the fact that it isn't, more that he's dismissed all my concerns about the timescale, and has never really been willing to discuss alternatives.

[Ormally]

A few observations, not particularly connected:

We were not having major building work done, just rewiring and a boiler replacement, when DD was nearly 2. Even then I was having kittens due to the drills left plugged in at tempting crawler height and the workmen having the front door slightly open for much of the day in order to get in and out for tools...Not An Option with a child your older one's age, never mind adding in a new baby too.

Make sure at this point that you ask your Mum if you can stay a bit longer and talk about it a bit (I'm sure you would).

Make notes on paper about your reasons in order to stay rational and firm when having the conversation about what you are going to do, with your DH. You will have a crib sheet and should be able to play out a few of his reactions by putting things down beforehand. He may well be a little bit hurt, and probably uncomprehending about what it is actually like for you currently, if he isn't a complete plank. I suspect he is keen to get the work finished from a kind of 'providing' instinct (sorry, that sounds so precious and I can't believe I have typed it, but I hope you see why he might be focussing on that). Maybe even try to hint that staying and being looked after is your Mum's idea/wish too?

If you can face it, could you write a short letter ready for the preschool to give a short explanation and get it sent off so that if there is any forwarding opportunity/person, you'll feel more peace of mind that you covered that base at the point you could still devote attention to that? Give some contact details for them to use if they need to discuss that matter with you in early term.

Good Luck.

[Tory79]

Thank you one and all. Decision made for me, I will plan to stay at mums and assume at this point the baby will be born here.

I haven't told dh yet, however I think he'll be fine with that and probably glad that ds and I remain out of the way.

Mum has always said we're welcome to stay as long as we need, including the baby being born here. I rather suspect that like me, she always doubted dhs confidence in when it would be finished. I spoke to her about it earlier anyway, and had a little blub about everything.

I think the hardest part is that ds came 4 weeks early, so I didn't get the nesting/organising/relaxing opportunity there either, in fact we were in the middle if house renovations then too, although dh did manage to get pretty much everything done by the time we came home.