To have burst into tears whilst on the phone to dh? And now I don't know what to do.

[Tory79]

I am 34 weeks pregnant so probably that in itself makes it reasonable.... But here's the story anyway.

We started major building work on our house 3 weeks ago, a double story extension. Ds(2.11) and I have moved to my mums which is 3 hours away. Dh is with his parents, as they are just a few minutes from our house so he can oversee the building work and do a lot of the interior work (whilst also working full time as well) so we are both quite stressed, me because I'm heavily pg and just want to nest and get things sorted, dh because of the pressure of the house.

Dh has always maintained he was sure most of the work would be completed by the time I was looking to come home - which is in just over 2 weeks, when I'll be 37 weeks. Not finished, but manageable and just about liveable. I've always doubted this, but dh has always told me I'm just being negative so today I asked him to actually ask the builders where they thought they'd be in 2 weeks time. Surprise surprise, they reckon they'll have finished the lower level, so be half way through the extension, with roof and interior fitting etc still to do. And of course that's not allowing for any more delays.

It's plain to see that our house is still going to be a building site by the time the baby is due. Funnily enough I burst in to tears. Dh got all stroppy and asked if we should just stop the building work then etc etc which just made me cry more - he's not good with just offering a shoulder to cry on or some sympathetic words, I. Fact to be honest he's shit at it and just gets annoyed. I ended up pretty much just hanging up on him. All things considered I don't think I was unreasonable to have just lost it a bit, after all, he's the one who's felt the need to go on and on about how it will all be fine and I'm just thinking negatively (or realistically, as I prefer to see it...)

And in terms of not knowing what to do...well the options are

Stay here at mums for longer, running the risk I'll end up giving birth down here, but where I have friends, and most importantly, my mum Ds is also supposed to be starting pre school when we go back, and we would have to delay that also.

Go back and stay with dh and his parents. That seems like the logical option, but their house is small, they are both retired so around all day. I've stayed with the, before and found it really hard work and unable to relax. I like his mum but find his dad hard work, and would feel very uncomfortable at this stage in the pg with him. Mil is very phobic about all things medical, so if I went in to labour etc it would be fil I'd have to turn to - dh is often 3-5 hours away for work. But ds would be able to start pre school, we'd see dh occasionally (not seeing him at all at the moment) and at least I'd be in the vicinity of the house....

The pregnant hormonal part of me just wants to stay with mum, the logical side of me says it would make more sense to go back and stay with pil. If it wasn't for pre school it would be a much easier decision, I'd stay with mum maybe up until 39 weeks (assuming baby didn't come sooner)

Sorry for the essay. I think I'm having pre baby blues as I seem to be generally in tears at the moment. I am pissed off with dh, mainly for his complete inability to be at all sympathetic, but also for his steadfast refusal to admit even the possibility of the house not being at all ready to live in. I should add I don't hold him responsible for the fact that it isn't, more that he's dismissed all my concerns about the timescale, and has never really been willing to discuss alternatives.

[pommedeterre]

Your mum! Starting pre school a couple of weeks or months late is neither here nor there.

[Sootball]

Stay with your mum

Look at the positives ans do not put yourself into a negative difficult environment when heavily pregnant.

[Greenrememberedhills]

Stay with your mum, absolutely without a doubt.

[redexpat]

Stay with your mum, and buy DH a copy of the marriage book, and mark the section on different kinds of listening for his immediate attention.

[Eva50]

Stay with your Mum. It would be unsettling for ds to have a new sibling, start pre school and move into your pil's at the same time.

[HansieLove]

I'd stay with your mom and tell DH that you will come home when the house is done. That might be when the baby is two or three months old. That should encourage your DH to get the house done.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

Oh sweetheart stay with momma. I wouldn't let you go anyway if you were my dd.

Just think this time next year you will have 1 child at school a toddler and a big extended house for you to play in. and [hug]

[Itsfab]

I have only read the OP so far and it is obvious to me. Stay with your mum. The only negative to doing that is DS is late starting pre-school. People will say they will have made friends when he joins but really, it doesn't matter and if the pre-school is a good one they will help him settle in. He will also be the new kid so novelty value . Positives - you are with your mum, you get to see your friends and them your baby when maybe they wouldn't being so far away. You are away from the hassle of the house and you don't have to listen to DH being a prat.

Staying with in laws - negatives - small house, unhelpful MIL, having to rely on FIL when you might prefer more privacy.
Positives - you can start DS at pre-school. Kick ass with the builders - pregnant hormones might have a positive effect .

Seeing DH more I wasn't sure where to put given he isn't supportive.

[Itsfab]

at unanimous answers.

[upthedamnwotsit]

MIL with a phobia of medical stuff, unhelpful FIL and a husband who gets annoyed rather than supportive when you're upset- you would definitely be better off with your mum. I feel claustrophobic just reading about the other option. They don't sound like a helpful trio for a pregnant woman or one who has just given birth.

[notfromstepford]

Another vote for stay with your mum - it's the only logical option IMO

[Tory79]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and answer. Funnily enough I actually thought I'd be told to pull myself together and just put up with being at the pils (should say they're absolutely fine most of the time but obviously living with them esp when heavily pg and with a toddler is a different kettle of fish)

I just feel so unsettled it's horrible. All the old baby clothes, car seat, pushchair etc etc are all stuck up in the loft at home. My mums house is only small too, plus she still works full time so there are downsides to it, but I know I'd certainly feel more comfortable with a newborn there and not at pils.

I said to dh that if the builders are now saying min 4 weeks then surely realistically we need to add at least another 2/3 weeks on to that minimum, turns out he's still in denial an reckons it will be ok as long as the weather holds.

I don't deal well with being unsettled at the best of times, I like to KNOW what's going to happen eg where am I going birth etc. Oh yes forgot to mention that I'm also under consultant care back at home as ds was born by section so no idea what to do about that either!!!

[3littlefrogs]

Register as a temporary resident with your mum's gp. They will arrange for you to attend the clinic at the local hospital and you can take your records with you. All can be sorted from there. But do it now. If you are going to need a section they will appreciate having a bit of warning.

Could your mum take some leave when you have the baby?

[mumminio]

+1 for staying with your mum. If your husband doesn't like it, he's just being negative.

[mumminio]

It doesn't sound to me like PND, it sounds like you're under a lot of pressure at a very vulnerable time. (I'm not an expert, just saying that you sound totally reasonable).

Perhaps try a different approach with your husband. Realistically, the baby could come any time now, so you need to plan for that. On the basis of plan for the worse, hope for the best. Once the extension is complete, there will still be work to do on the interior, right? So it would make sense to discuss moving back home when the exterior is completed and there are only finishing touches to be done.

Get your husband to take down the baby items from the loft. Bring as much with you as you would need for the first month, but no more.

[PlumpPartridge]

Another vote for staying where you are, no matter what lies he spins about the building plans being finished really soon, honest.

[LuluJakey1]

Stay with your mum. Definitely.

[3littlefrogs]

OP - you really don't need much for the first 12 weeks. All I had was a sling, some vests, babygros and some disposable nappies. I couldn't carry anything else because I needed the buggy for DS1 and a suitcase for our clothes.

We managed. My mum asked around her friends for things we could borrow.
It was so much easier once I got to my mums - at least I was in one place for about 4 weeks.

[PlumpPartridge]

Do not let him make you feel guilty about staying with your mum. You would not be comfortable at either of the other two places. Do not let him tell you that you should feel comfortable! Stick to your guns :)

[Cheeky76890]

It's only play group. It doesn't really matter. He would probably get a bit unsettled anyway once the baby was here regardless of if you started him early September.

[Cheeky76890]

Make a plan. Plan to stay with your mum for the next 6 weeks. Be open to change but only if you are happy

[3littlefrogs]

Do NOT take a baby and a toddler back to a building site. Please.

[Electriclaundryland]

Your DH sounds just like mine. I feel for you. Stay at your mum's, its the least worst option.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I'd have burst into tears and I'm not even pregnant.

Make plans to have the baby where you are now. You could go and stay with the in-laws for a weekend or two between now and the birth if you could manage it. If you can't, too bad.

As has been mentioned DO NOT go home and live in a building-site. You'll either go mad or kill your husband. Maybe both.

[3littlefrogs]

Your DS is going to be much more happy and settled if you stay at your mum's.

Do not even think about going to your in-laws. Your stress level will be off the scale and this will be very bad for you, Ds and the new baby.

A building site is a dirty, dangerous environment.

Just plan to stay at your mum's until the house is completely ready - and cleaned properly.

When I moved back into our newly extended house, having told DH to get a professional cleaning firm in, I discovered he had asked a friend to do the cleaning, but as she had a bad back, she didn't clean anything that involved bending down, or reaching up.

I was not happy. He had paid said friend the money that was intended for the professional cleaners, so I ended up having to do the cleaning myself. As well as looking after a baby and a 2 yr old. Everything was covered in brick dust.