To think this is way beyond ‘harmless flirting’

[hellothere1202]

DH emailing colleague about product photos she was going to be sending, talking about sets/pairs of stuff and he said ‘you could always add a photo of your pair if you like’, she replied ‘you wish’ and he said ‘was worth a try, you have a good set!’

AIBU to be furious at him for this? He says that’s harmless flirting.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

Unless you're lucky enough to work somewhere that routinely reads your emails

Many offices do random checks. I don't know if mine actually does but IT use policy allows management to. The reasoning is e-mails are correspondence sent on behalf of the firm and as such regardless of who actually sent it, the firm is deemed to have sent it. The firm I worked at before had a similar policy and sacked 2 people for sending sexist e-mails to each other about female colleagues. I'm not sure if the talked-about colleagues even knew.

There's no block on using e-mail for personal stuff but underlying that is the assumption that the content should basically be nothing which if seen by management would be a matter of disciplinary procedure and/is damaging to the firm's reputation.

[Sunnydays999]

Add message | Report | Message poster queenofthemountain Wed 06-Aug-14 20:50:17
"Alarm bells!
He is either shagging her or soon will be IMO & E"

Agree

[Sunnydays999]

I would be furious with my husband

[queenofthemountain]

Alarm bells!
He is either shagging her or soon will be IMO & E

[DieDeutschLehrerin]

Hope you're ok OP, it's a weird one. TBH I wouldn't necessarily read into it that he's actually interested in this woman (or she in him) but I would, as PPs have said, be concerned that he is putting himself on dodgy ground at work and being v.inappropriate.
I'm basing my opinion on my experience with a colleague. He liked to flirt and talk about sex a lot, but often went further than was appropriate at work. not physically or in a threatening way but in a "you'll be in trouble if that gets overheard/taken the wrong way" sort of a way. I often used to respond in a similar "you wish" non-commital way because I didn't want to overreact but neither did I want to continue it any further. The thing is as mich time as he spent being inappropriate, he spent x3 that eulogising his wife and we witnessed his utter devastation (sedatives/anti-depressants from GP) when he found out she was having her own, far more serious, workplace flirtation involving sneaky meet ups and dirty picture messages.
I think his intentions may well be harmless but the consequences may not be. And, know he knows you are upset and feel disrespected by it, it's not harmless to your relationship either. Hope you manage to resolve it and he gets the message.

[MammaTJ]

Would he expect you to support him if he got the sack for being a letch?

[MammaTJ]

Would he expect you to support him if he got the sack for be

[JoinedJustForThis]

She's probably passed the emails on to HR already.

I'm loving the assumption it's a one way thing. It's quite likely that they're both flirting - especially given her reply!

Anyway - have a chat with him OP & make sure he's fully aware of the potential consequences. I don't know what impact it would have on your family but for us, losing a wage would not be fun!

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

I've seen an ex-colleague escorted from the building for precisely this remark. Full pay suspension, gross misconduct disciplinary, appeal, tribunal and EAT appeal.

All failed and a bloody good job too.

[Bellwether]

You'll be so proud when he gets fired for inappropriate conduct. She's probably passed the emails on to HR already.

[JoinedJustForThis]

I suppose we're getting sidetracked - no matter what the work policy or colleagues acceptance - it's not acceptable behaviour from the OP's Husband!!

[diddl]

I think that's way OTT of him tbh.

"You could add a pic of your pair"-bad enough imo.

But to go further.

plus, who sees/has access to these work emails?

It might be in his opinion harmless flirting.

but why does he do it?

[canweseethebunnies]

I don't think it's harmless flirting. I think it's either serious flirting or sexual harassment, depending on how she feels about it.

Just because she doesn't report it doesn't mean she's enjoying it. I put up with a load of this kind of bullshit in the workplace when I was younger, and never reported it, despite feeling deeply uncomfortable.

[Johnogroats]

I have had a conversation this am about inappropriate banter at work. I don't ( in my work capacity) want to be a killjoy, but you need to draw the line somewhere.

I'd say he crossed it.

[JoinedJustForThis]

Surely the point is that many people would find it offensive and some people might put in a formal complaint (And it IS offensive regardless of whether he might find someone who 'enjoys' it) so he should not be sending comments like that in the first place, not least in a professional setting.

I've already agreed with all that - my point was for a complaint to be made, there has to be a complainer. Unless you're lucky enough to work somewhere that routinely reads your emails

[gordyslovesheep]

Our emails are regularly reviewed on spot checks ... She wouldn't need to complain . Here he would be in deep deep shit for such unprofessional sexist bullshit

[TheGoop]

Surely the point is that many people would find it offensive and some people might put in a formal complaint (And it IS offensive regardless of whether he might find someone who 'enjoys' it) so he should not be sending comments like that in the first place, not least in a professional setting.

[JoinedJustForThis]

Wow, he'll be lucky not to have a formal complaint made against him (and probably sacked) where I work.

Fair enough if the colleague wants to complain. She may be enjoying it as much as he is. It's not uncommon.

[turkeyboots]

Wow, he'll be lucky not to have a formal complaint made against him (and probably sacked) where I work.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Hope you're ok hellothere

[JoinedJustForThis]

Think it depends on the role/environment sometimes.

One of my ladies has these sort of emails/convos with the guys in her old department. "They all did it" apparently.
It was more of a "manual labour" department full of knuckle draggers (you have to meet them to believe me), certainly not something I'd be happy with one of my guys saying to a female colleague.

[TheLovelyBoots]

Crude/laddish behavior. I would not be impressed.

[Castlemilk]

Sleazy creep.

And she thinks so too.

How embarrassing for you OP.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

OP has said this is something she wouldn't expect ftom him normally. It would be even more disconcerting to find he was this whole other person at work I think.

[Tryharder]

Completely depends on the relationship he generally has with her and the general office vibe.

I can imagine certain men saying this where I work and it would be funny and meant harmlessly. But if other men said it, it would be wrong.

Do you see what I mean here?

If your DH is naturally flirtatious and this kind of banter is normal in his office then I wouldn't worry.