To think if you suggest an event, you should at least help organise it?

[EvaBeaversProtege]

Will keep this brief but am sitting here a bit perplexed.

I come from a large family, more sisters than brothers.

Two out of five of the girls work full time hours, one is a sahm (to very young children) and the other two have jobs (teaching & training) which allow them the summer off.

It's a relatives birthday in the next few weeks, not a milestone, but half a milestone if you see what I mean. I don't think it's one that needs a big celebration seeing as 5 years ago we had a massive party, massive present etc..

However, one sister suggested at the weekend we 'do something' to mark the occasion.

I replied (via text message) that I was planning on sending a card. She said she thought we should arrange a meal.

I asked what she was thinking of, where, how many people etc.. And she said "oh, I don't know, I've no intention of organising anything, I was hoping you would do it!"

No. I'm not fucking doing it. If she hadn't the intention of following the plans through, why suggest anything?

She has the summer off, I don't!

I don't want to put too much info (already have enough here) but in the past I have been left to organise stuff, order cakes (which are costly & no-one would offer to share cost) make banners, decorate rooms, then sit & sweat incase something goes wrong & it falls back on me.

AIBU to ask nothing more about it & let her organise away at it if she wants?

Of course I could offer to help her, but experience has taught me that helping in situations like this means doing it all myself!

[ViviPru]

Great response OP. Good for you.

[HibiscusIsland]

Your sister is unbelievable. Thank goodness you've stopped letting her take the piss

[LittlePeaPod]

Good for you Op..

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

It's mad not to rope in the males and females. In any case, stuff them. You've undertaken more than your fair share.

[EvaBeaversProtege]

I replied that I hoped X lives for more than 5 more years and that should give them enough time to organise themselves she replied with a 'lol' so I'm not replying anymore.

Thanks for the support. Dh is supportive too!

I'm actually a thinker and a doer if that's possible. I've to be organised in my job & suppose transfer skills in organising events.

But usually when I suggest something (a bunch of flowers for an aunt who had received bad news for example) I stick everyone's names on the card (like if they're a fiver in tesco) but for something more ie: 40th for my elder brother I booked restaurant, ordered & collected cake, organised collection of money for present &ade a memory book (including requesting pix from family a number of times well in advance to give me time to do it, but not getting them until 2 days before the event.)

I don't begrudge organising it if I have suggested it or if I'm helping someone else - this time it's just the fact that I don't think anything needs done, it isn't/wasn't my suggestion and I've made it clear I'm not doing it :)

I think that's the end of it.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Good work Eva! Your sis has more front than Blackpool

[NellyNoodle1]

Sorry member of staff's wife had had a baby! Hadn't even met her!

Ooh I'm getting worked up thinking about it.

[NellyNoodle1]

I used to organise everything at work. Every collection, every Christmas do the lot - I had two major events quite close together and not a card, kiss my arse or anything. Just stopped doing it. Kept being asked at Christmas what we were doing and faces were pulled at each other when I said 'I dunno I'm not doing this one'. Stopped putting to collections too unless I liked the person or thought it was a good enough reason - missed me out but then they come round because a member of staff who has said hello to me twice has had a baby and would I like to contribute - erm no.

Good for you.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

"oh well, no party then! Hope X lives another 5 years & we'll throw a HUGE one"

'You couldn't throw a ball for the cat dear sister, without me doing it for you. I'll believe it when I see it. Diary marked.'

[Optimist1]

Good response to the enquiring family member, Eva. And plenty of suggestions for suitable responses to your sister.

What is it with these "milestones"? I can just about cope with those marking a decade (provided no-one gives me the rage by referring to "the big 4-oh or similar), but by marking the half-decade birthdays it just devalues the special features of the other milestones, surely? I should mention that I love all birthdays, whether my own or someone else's.

YANBU

[DocDaneeka]

I'd txt her back and say in a nice passive aggressive way 'I take it by 'we' you mean 'me' you need to understand I'm through with organising everyone. the answer will still be no.'

[MaryWestmacott]

Actually, strip that back further:
"Am not stopping you arranging anything, let me know what you decide to do for x birthday."

[MaryWestmacott]

Reply to sis "I'm not stopping you arranging anything, am a bit snowed under at the mo, if I can join you I will, but don't plan round me, I don't mind missing this and I'm sure you can sort it without needing my input."

Don't rise to the stroppy messages, keep pointing out to her she can do it herself, if she chooses not to, that's her choice, don't let the narrative be that you stopped it happening.

[Phineyj]

YANBU. Stick to your guns. Your DSIS sounds very cheeky!

[angelohsodelight]

What a twat! Yanbu

[EvaBeaversProtege]

Thanks for all the responses!

I had a missed call from a family member today and a voicemail saying "hi Eva, just me, ringing to see if you need a hand with X's birthday celebration! Let me know, as I'm busy that week but XXX is off work & can bail you out if you're getting it tight what with work & all!" (This is paraphrased as I'm not daft enough to put the actual message!)

I sent a message to all saying "there's been crossed wires somewhere as I'm not organising anything. I've bought a card & will post it. Xx"

Have had positive responses so far apart from sister who replied "oh well, no party then! Hope X lives another 5 years & we'll throw a HUGE one"

Dickhead.

[MaryWestmacott]

Agree don't say sorry! It's a hard habit to break, but I'm also working on it!

How about "I'm too snowed to even think about X's birthday, but if you and the others sort something out, let me know the details and hopefully I/we can join you. I'm sure whatever you plan, X will enjoy it."

Any requests of help from people you know will take the piss or just be ungrateful, too busy now, gosh you are so busy this summer! These days, you just don't have time for anything!

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Please for heaven's sake don't say the word "sorry" in any of your communications about it, as this merely enforces the idea that it is your responsibility... Just say something like "Your idea - you get to plan it. Them's the breaks! I look forward to our meal out :-)"....

[ILovedYouYesterday]

I'd email back "sorry, I am too busy to organise anything this time, someone else will have to do it if you all want a party, but I think a card and present will be fine"

Otherwise word will get round that you are organising it.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I was once paid £50k a year to 'lie on the sofa at least one day a week and come up with new ideas'.


Yes - really. I ended up running the place.

[Whatisaweekend]

If she persists, reply saying sorry but I have done X, Y and Z organising quite recently and am v busy at the mo so it is YOUR TURN.

Bet you nothing happens!!

[MaidOfStars]

Hey! I'm a thinker and I am always told to slow down and stop doing stuff...

I'm a Thinker too. Rarely told to slow down. Often told to stop doing stuff though mostly because it's not stuff that going to help me deliver my thinkiness

like fucking around on internet fora

[KERALA1]

Ha to thinkers - these "ideas" are hardly innovatively creative! The lady at our meeting came up with a really obvious "idea" for us 4 other volunteers with busy lives to jump to. I don't think love your idea you do it.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Or she could be lazy....almost an essential quality in a Thinker.

Hey! I'm a thinker and I am always told to slow down and stop doing stuff...

You can be both you know. I just am not a completer finisher so when I get the pots done after an event I secretly have to celebrate to myself.

Anyway OP - you DO need to respond or she will say 'OP was doing it'.

How about 'ODFOD'? Or 'No'.

[MaidOfStars]

Some people are 'Thinkers' and some people are 'Doers'. The best teams are composed of both. Needless to say, Doers are far better at getting jobs sorted. They are also braver, more comfident, more assertive, and happier.

Are you a Doer? Maybe your sister and you have fallen into a pattern that maximises your team output.

Or she could be lazy....almost an essential quality in a Thinker.