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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is NEVER ok to buy someone something to 'slim' into?!

46 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 28/07/2014 20:06

Friends partner has just bought her two dresses in a size smaller than what she is. Deliberately. Told her it would give her motivation... WTF?!

I would be livid if my DP done this to me! She doesn't seem bothered? Said it was nice of him to buy her dresses???!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sleepingbunnies · 28/07/2014 20:37

I was there when the heifer comment was made!

OP posts:

Happy36 · 28/07/2014 21:56

Certainly he was unreasonable to call her a heifer.

Sometimes I hate the fact that my daughter grows up in a world where this kind of thing happens. I just want her to be healthy and safe and happy and I hope if she has a partner in the future that they want that too. (Sorry for going off-topic).

It sounds like he was also unreasonable in buying the dress as you say she appears to be happy at her current weight.

WellnowImFucked · 28/07/2014 22:30

I was once called a heffier as a complement. It was an elderly gentleman who said I had a fine figure like a prize heffier. He honestly thought he was being very flattering. His daughter was mortified. I told them I was a country girl and took it in the manner it was meant. He then asked if saying I was a grand armful of a woman was better.

Now my little boast is out of the way.

He's a dickhead and she's going to have a lot more problems if he's placing conditions on when he'll daneto marry her.

What happens if she gets ill, loses her hair, etc (not that I wish any of this on her but we're all one accident away).

Needs to kick him in to touch.

WarblingOyster · 28/07/2014 22:37

To buy for yourself to slim into, reasonable.
For somebody else to buy you something to slim into it...wrap it around their neck.

BigChocFrenzy · 28/07/2014 23:44

Heifer So he's calling her a fat cow !
Regardless of whether she's size 8 or 28, he is a swine.
wtf do some women accept this kind of abuse ?

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2014 23:48

He said he wouldn't marry her if she was a 'heifer' she is a size 10-12.

And yet that ^^ is not the subject of your thread?

araiba · 29/07/2014 02:38

she was happy and took it as intended so YABVU

SqueakySqueak · 29/07/2014 03:07

Not much you can do about it. Hope she grows some brain cells and doesn't marry someone who makes their love conditional.

temporaryusername · 29/07/2014 03:56

I love that anecdote WellnowI'mFucked! Those were the days of real men not like this twerp the OP's friend is marrying.

OP, I guess he could just about have made a silly mistake and then a silly joke to cover up his embarrassment. If he meant it though, she has got a selfish shallow man there and nothing good comes from staying with a man like that.

Vole3 · 29/07/2014 05:57

She could buy him some extra large condoms and say she'll only marry him when he can fit them

Frontier · 29/07/2014 07:16

He didn't call her a heifer - he actually said she wasnt one. agree its a pfor choice of language but he didn't say she is a heifer he said he wouldn't like it if she was.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/07/2014 07:22

He asked her to slim into a smaller dress.

And said he wouldn't marry her if she was a heifer.

Hence implying she is one.

I feel bad for her if she marries him.

Frontier · 29/07/2014 07:32

She's pleased with the dresses, so it seems to me he's supporting a diet she's doing by choice. he is marrying her, so he obviously doenst think she's a heifer.

The friend was very happy with the gifts her dp bought. i actually think its quite unkind of op to be taking the shine off that

temporaryusername · 29/07/2014 07:42

No, I don't think the OP is being unfair. It does seem odd and, maybe you had to be there but, controlling. It has a 'you look good for me and to keep my affection you have to look good'. Which is one thing, but if you're marrying someone your love should sound a little more unconditional than that. Something like a kiss on cheek and 'yeah, I can understand you want to feel just right on your wedding day, I'll support you with your dieting, as long as you know you're always gorgeous to me' would be more encouraging. That would be if she were overweight.
BUT in this case she is already a 10-12 - if he is calling that a heifer (and presumably he is if she has to drop two sizes to wear his gift), then good luck to her is all I can say.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/07/2014 07:46

I think the OP sounds very kind indeed. And perceptive to see beneath the gift to something more controlling.

Frontier · 29/07/2014 08:14

I'm obviously in the minority and just offering another view but it seems just as likely to me that the friend has been worrying about her weight, like prospective brides do, may even have called herself a heifer, DP has bought the dresses to help and was joking about not marrying her. There is, after all a wedding being planned.

Friend is thrilled, OP admits she hardly sees these people, really she is better placed to decide whether it's OK, than the recipient is? Would be entirely different if the friends was upset, but she's not.

And, it's two dresses in "a" size smaller, not two sizes, isn't it?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 29/07/2014 09:19

Buying a size 10 woman a size 8 dress, and saying, 'I'm not marrying a heifer'?!

And you're worrried about the OP taking the shine off this?
Are you on glue?

Pastperfect · 29/07/2014 09:48

I agree with frontier

Context is all and if I was trying to each a goal and was bought something which could be used on achieving that goal I'd be delighted. The message would be I believe in you and want to celebrate your success.

The backlash against "fatism" has gone so far that people no longer appear to believe that a woman might want to be slim for herself and that any man supporting a woman in wanting to be slim is in someway abusive.

I don't want to start another debate on the pros and cons of weight but generally speaking being slim is healthier and I see no reason to berate a man who is supporting his partner to be slim, unless there is evidence that he is an arse and a joke about being "a heifer" is hardly evidence of abuse.

Mim78 · 29/07/2014 19:50

I would take them back and swap for right size. Then ltb.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 29/07/2014 20:42

I don't think it's a good idea. I know a couple who bought each other clothes two sizes smaller for Christmas (they both knew and planned it), they were hoping to be able to fit in them on Christmas day. The clothes didn't fit and she was really upset.
In this situation unless the heifer comment was a joke and she had told him she wanted to lose weight then he is being an arse.
It is possible to be overweight at size 10-12 (I would be) if you're short but still no excuse for being a dick, that being said if she was pleased about it then there's not much you can do. She knows their relationship better than you do.

PogoBob · 29/07/2014 21:56

For me it would depend on the context. In respect of your friend, her other half is a prize twat and YANBU to think it wrong.

In terms of DH and I, I am losing baby weight at the moment (baby is 18mo though!) with another stone to go. DH is buying me some new jeans for my birthday next week and is buying me a size smaller than I am now for me to slim into.

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