I have never been very close with my DH’s parents, but since DS was born (he is 20months) it has gotten worse. Mainly because of very different views in parenting.
DH’s parents were very strict with him and by his accounts there was not a lot of love felt, all his good childhood memories are with his grandmother and his aunt who both looked after him a lot.
Me and DH both have a very different approach with our DS and his parents take it as “our DS is ruling us”, that’s fine with me – everyone is entitles to their view, but they certainly don’t hold back in letting us know.
Firstly there are the lectures of course on how it should be: DS should not be still breastfeeding (that was raised last summer when he was less than a year old), he should not sleep in our bed (or even in our room), we should not let him feed himself with messy foods (or at least stay by to wipe his face after every bite) and of course proper discipline should be thought (i.e. forbidding him to touch anything that is not his toy, even if it’s completely harmless), the list goes on…
Still the lectures I can deal with quite easily actually as they are usually directed at DH, so easy for me to ignore. And thankfully mostly he does as well (although sometimes they do manage influence him on some of the points I think, even though he denies it).
The main thing that I find hard to ignore is their behaviour when we are visiting.
As an example a box with some shampoos we had bought was in the corridor and I let DS take the bottles out and give them to me and then put them back in the box (I was next to him to make sure he didn’t open any), MIL enters and sees us, but completely ignores me and goes “no, no, no we don’t play with these”, steps past me and removes the bottles (just to clarify these were our shampoo bottles, so it’s not that she didn’t want him touching her staff). Not really a big deal perhaps, but she does this sort of thing a lot.
Another example is that during meal times, she would just randomly offer DS other foods, like a biscuit in the middle of his lunch – obviously DS will then prefer the biscuit and stop what he was eating. And again completely ignoring me and never asking whether it’s ok to give it to him or not.
Then there was that case when DS fell and cut himself quite badly (needed couple of stitches) and I felt extremely bad not being able to stop him from falling even though I was right behind him, just a split second too late….
So MIL when she heard about this said that I should be holding DS hand all the time. Has anyone ever in history been able to hold a 20mnth old boy's hand ALL THE TIME?
There are too many of these to list all, but the main theme is the same.
I know I’m lucky that we live quite far away and only really meet/visit them a few times a year, but one of those times is coming up now and even though I have agreed to the visit and tickets have been bought I am really dreading it as it gets closer. I just find it increasingly hard to keep my mouth shut and carry on being polite. And I don’t think a polite explanation would go down well either. On a case by case basis sure, if I’m quick enough I can stop her from giving DS a biscuit and say “let’s give it to him later, when he’s finished lunch”, but that doesn’t mean she won’t do the same next mealtime (or really any other time).
So firstly AIBU to feel like MIL is being quite rude and dismissive of me or am I being oversensitive? And any advice on “coping mechanisms” for when we’re there so I won’t explode and cause a huge row.
AIBU?
to be annoyed by MIL
turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace · 14/07/2014 11:38
Bottles 'no no no, we don't do that'
'What play with things, yes we do do that! We were counting them in and counting them out. I'll have them back please as we haven't finished counting'.
'Does DGS want a biscuit?'
'A biscuit? In the middle of dinner? No of course he doesn't, who eats biscuits right in the middle of their dinner?'
You can be assertive without being nasty, just say what you would say if someone else said or did those things. Learn the 
face and use it whenever you can.
But it wouldn't be you causing the scene, it would be them. You aren't treating them like imbeciles (presumably 
) but they are criticising you and making you feel uncomfortable. They are clearly not concerned about offending or upsetting you, and when they criticise you, they are also criticising your husband, assuming you both parent in the same way, so don't let you anger at this situation cloud the fact that it is in their power to stop being dicks about everything.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.