To not be surprised that divorce rates are so high when I see how some friends treat their husbands??

[PisforPeter]

Just having huge arguments over petty issues, being anal about the childrens routines, making DH sleep in spare room for duration of oregnancy & first 8 months of baby's life too.
Do folk need to chill out a bit or am I being too harsh??
I just find a team approach works better for me??

[coffeeslave]

Coming to this late, but I've heard the phrase Starter Marriage but thought it really was only relevant in the USA, where age of first marriage is MUCH younger than the UK (something like 24 vs 29). The USA is a lot more conservative than the UK in a lot of ways, so people get married younger because cohabiting isn't always acceptable (and break up more!)

[Beautifulmonster]

YABU. You really cannot comment on other people's relationships because you don't know the whole picture. I used to be good at putting on a united couple front in public or with friends but no one knew the truth. Also what works for one couple might not for another. Let them all get on with it!

[Jengnr]

I thought one parent in the spare room was working as a team? We have a rule - whoever is getting up with the baby/doing the night wakings gets our bed.

Most of the time we're back in our own bed together these days but on occasion it's still called upon if the baby kicks off. It gives the on duty parent flexibility - we can co sleep if we want (I hate it, he loves it) or we can be up and down all night or whatever without interrupting the one sleeping.

[MollyWhuppie]

sarahquilt my husband was delighted to get a full night's sleep I the spare when we had a baby that woke several times a night and a three year old who ran into our room every night and got into bed with us, who we were both just too bloody tired to take back to their own room. No kicking out required - my DH practically skipped on air to the spare room, while I took on the brunt of the night wakings.

You do realise co-sleeping quite often just happens as a way to get a tiny bit more sleep, and is not a conscious decision don't you? If you have a baby that wakes up a lot, sometimes it's just a hell of a lot easier to co-sleep. Or are you saying that women should sacrifice that tiny extra bit of sleep just in order to share their bed with their husband? When the husband gets disturbed by the constant wakings and wife getting in an out of the bed, and being kicked in the head by the toddler??

[ConstableOdo]

There's no need for anal retentiveness about your children's routines... if other people's children are anything like mine then I'm pretty sure children do the anal retentiveness perfectly well themselves.

Seriously... if we don't do dinner, then potty, then bath, then story, then song, then bed, in that order, with no omissions... boooom!

[Thumbwitch]

Tallandgraceful - yes, my parents bickered and whinged a lot but they were married until my mum died.

I was thinking about the statement a PP made above re. friends:
"If you wouldn't speak like that to your best friend, you shouldn't speak like that to your partner."
DH made a comment recently about how I wouldn't speak to my best friend the way I talk to him, and he's right, I wouldn't - but then my best friend wouldn't behave the way he does either (or be in the same situations, tbf).
Made him think when I said that to him. It's not one way traffic - as I've said before, if he frequently behaves like an immature twat, then he's going to end up being treated like an immature twat. (He sounds a prize doesn't he; me too, I'm sure! But we are still happy together)

[Hup]

I always thought this as my husband and I were so respectful of each other ... Then he left me!

[Tallandgracefulmum]

Some people are never satisfied, many moan and winge about their DHs, so what, then they go home and have sex. TBH the divorce rate is high because of unrealistic expectations, and other factors. Most of what you mentioned goes on in many marriages that last.

[wheresthelight]

Yabu and actually quite insulting

I am getting divorces from someone I had no kids with because he was an emotionally abusive passive aggressive arsehole who kept me under house arrest and accused me constantly of having an affair with any man I happened to mention.

[sarahquilt]

I'm utterly amazed when I read about women kicking the husband out of bed so they can co-sleep with a baby. I think it's incredibly inconsiderate. Baby needs their own safe cot or moses basket to sleep in and parents should be in bed.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I would worry about that upgraded engagement ring. I got to choose a massive upgrade, I now know it was pretty much to the day he started shagging someone else. As he had no input into it I think of it as my divorce ring and wear it's massive sparkliness for me.

[deakymom]

my uncle has been married 4 times his twin (my dad) twice now i know my dad has a wandering "third leg" im assuming his twin is similar some of the marriages broke down without children and they both worked 12 hour night/day shifts for about thirty years not sure how many petty arguments they had to break them up from their wives and im pretty sure my dads ahem "leg" had a lot to do with marriage breakdown (plus his drinking did i mention the drinking?)

he is not a team player his first marriage did last 20 years though

[poppytripll]

Yabu op. Glad you have a perfect marriage, but I think you sound far too naive smug to provide insight on where the rest of us are going wrong.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

At three months I was still in n mummy fog- baby brain heaven. Yummy yum.

[thecakeisalieagain]

Thanks TheRealAmandaClarke she is an absolutely scrummy baby. Although as you say things should be back to normal by now I suspect dd is manipulating me and I'm making a rod for my own back or some such nonsense...

[Ratbagcatbag]

Well I'm double evil and dh has only just figured it out.

Dd still doesn't sleep through so we take turns doing get ups (and co sleeping after about 4am). He's only just realised that the rota that I completely frigged in my favour means when it's his get ups, dss is at his mums so I helpfully go get 8 hours uninterrupted bliss sleep, but on my get ups dss is generally here so he ends up being woken and occasionally helps me on my resettles. Shit, ill be getting divorced shortly.

[LittlePeaPod]

There is an actual online dictionary definition for a Starter Wedding

Definition - a first marriage that lasts under five years and produces no children, where divorce is expected to "trade up" to someone better.

dictionary.reference.com/browse/starter+marriage

ha ha ha ha ha

[SaVred]

It is not an appetiser. It is a repulser. Makes u realise what is really important. First marriages often attempts to conform , please others , appear happy.

A second marriage has a better chance of being about compatability

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Its like an appetiser, to warm you up for the main event.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Don't you think by 13 weeks you should have got back to normal?
At least you've been warned, you might have time to set things straight -phew!


Congratulations on your baby. scrummy.

[KeepOnPloddingOn]

What the hell is a 'starter' wedding! ?

[thecakeisalieagain]

I must watch out for signs of divorce then. My poor dh has to sleep in the spare room as I favour our 13 week old dc3 for company. We barely any intimacy at the moment. The house is far messier than usual. He has to cook dinner and put our older 2 kids to bed some nights.

I know I'm being so unreasonable letting him get a good nights sleep while I bf and co-sleep with the baby. Also expecting him to be a grown up about the temporary chaos and lack of sex. Not forgetting making him parent his own kids. Bad wife!

I will await the divorce papers and try 'working as a team' next time by giving him bj's on request and subjecting us both to horrendous sleep deprivation so we might share a bed. Thanks so much for your enlightening advice.

[Pumpkinpositive]

PisforPeter, you sound like my auntie.

You wouldn't happen to have a psychology degree and live ... elsewhere, would you?

But then, if you are my auntie, you'd be onto husband no 2.

[TucsonGirl]

I know some women who treat their husbands very badly, like children in many ways. Or just see them as a sourcce of money. But I don't think it's that prevalent. I know far more women that just marry idiots and I don't understand for the life of me what they are thinking.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

You are being sexist rather than unreasonable. But you know that, right?