Separate holidays?

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi. I would really appreciate some advice here please. My husband and I have been invited to a friend's wedding in the US next year, but it's during term time, so our daughter can't go. There may not be any childcare options at this time, so I raised the possibility that we can't go. My husband then suggested he go by himself. I feel really upset by this - the trip will essentially have to be a holiday, as it is so far and so expensive (he can't just pop over for just the wedding). We won't be able to afford a family holiday if he goes to this wedding & I don't know if its reasonable for him to essentially carry on as if he's single, when I see us all as a family unit. In my view; if we can't all go, none of us should go. Am I being unreasonable here? Thanks :)

[GnomeDePlume]

I disagree that he has to stay away for a week. That is being entirely selfish. It sounds like he is trying to engineer himself a holiday without you.

Perfectly possible to be there and back in a couple of days - I used to do this for business trips where I would have to fly out to Singapore, give presentations for a couple of days then fly home again.

The trick is to make no attempt to get used to the local time zone.

If he wont consider this then I would assume that he was up to no good.

[DurhamDurham]

Few years ago I took our oldest daughter to New. York while husband took our youngest to Spain. We wanted to do different things and couldn't all afford to do both. It was a compromise and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

It was even better this year....me and husband went away leaving both girls at home. Now that was a relaxing holiday

[kslatts]

I agree with BackforGood, based on the information in your OP then I think YABU. Let DH go, then you use the money you save not going on a family holiday, even if that means going somewhere cheaper than planned.

Myself and DH sometimes go away separately, but would not go away separately if we couldn't afford a family holiday. Although for a wedding it's a bit different.

But, we do not have the trust issues that you have, therefore based on the other information you have given YANBU.

[BackforGood]

My anwer has changed and changed again as I've read all he information you've added in afterwards

To answer the OP - If I had a close friend getting married abroad and it was something I really wanted to share with them, then yes, I'd expect to be able to go alone if we couldn't all go as a family, and yes, I'd be happy with my dh going alone in the situation you describe.

You could still have a holiday with the money you don't spend on your ticket and your dd's ticket

However, you then said this:
Our wedding was last November and these friends were not sufficiently important for him to invite them to ours which indicates it's not a close relative or especially close friend, so that illicits very different response. It doesn't sound as if it's someone really close, so it then becomes a huge financial commitment for no special reason


then of course you go on to mention cheating on you, not being trusted, drinking too much...... it all puts things in a very different light, and might have helped if you'd mentioned all that at the start!

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

Your husband sounds very selfish. He reminds me a lot of my ex who I divorced because he used to go on holidays and often go out without me or our children and it made me resent him.

YANBU and he needs to understand that holidays as a family unit are far more important than his desire to go away to this wedding. Just how bothered is he about keeping you happy?

[Trapper]

Fly out for wedding and fly home. No holiday. I've done Seattle for a weekend before - painful but definitely doable.

[dreamingbohemian]

Gosh, a lot of issues here.

YABU to insist that all holidays be family holidays -- I think that's very limiting and unfair.

But

YANBU to be concerned given past infidelity and more important that he blamed you for it. You say you hope he grows up -- er, he's a husband and a father, the time to grow up was long past.

And, YANBU if it means that there will be no family holiday. Also, he doesn't need a full week.

I think you would be right to draw the line here but tbh it sounds like you have bigger issues going on in your marriage as well.

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi. Thanks all for the advice and suggestions. Its been really helpful and I really appreciate it.

I need to have further conversations with him I think. This process has really highlighted how unhappy I am about his plans and I think I really need to make sure he fully understands what I'm upset about.

Thanks again all.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Bottom line is if there is only money for his jolly a family holiday then the holiday take precedence. The cheating actually doesn't affect this.

[ChickenFajitasAndNachos]

Well then I agree with you, if it the wedding can't be a mini break plus you all still get a holiday then it isn't fair. Have you put it to him that he could go for a few days and on a budget?

[phenobarbidoll]

I know he could cheat again at any time. Unfortunately, that really doesn't help me to put it behind me.

We do have seperate nights out, separate hobbies and some weekends away with our own friends. This feels different to me because it is such a big trip which he wants to have as a holiday. I personally feel that we should have family holidays, especially when there won't be any money left over to have another holiday together later on.

[LIZS]

Classic tactics - blaming you for his actions. How recent was this ? Seems like he has conditioned you over time to find this acceptable. :( Agree with pp who said if he is going to cheat he'll find a way whether he goes to this wedding or not. the wedding itself is juts a catalyst for raising your insecurities again.

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi Lizs. He tries really hard most of the time to be thoughtful and supportive. He usually is. He has moments when he feels like he's not getting enough attention (those are his words). When that last happened, he picked up some woman in a pub (while he was really really drunk). He told me that he was vulnerable to it because he didn't feel loved enough.

I realise how childish that sounds - I feel much the same way about it. But I love the man he is 99% of the time, and I have to hope that the spoiled baby side of him will grow up.

[ChickenFajitasAndNachos]

The thing is if he's going to cheat he doesn't need to go all the way to America to do it. You either have forgiven him and want to move on or you haven't. I'm all for partners doing some separate things. I know it sounds harsh. If the trip is going to cost X amount then spend that amount on yourself.

[LIZS]

why did you decide to marry him ? He sounds too self absorbed to be a good husband /father .

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi middleeasternpromise. Yes, that probably would have been a better way to put it.

[phenobarbidoll]

hi CerealMom. You're right, of course. There is a principle here about the family being put secondary to his desire to live like he did when he was single. This is linked to the reasons why I find him difficult to trust. He's, in most respects a lovely man. But he was also made the centre of the universe when he was growing up and was never challenged. He thinks he's entitled to do what he wants. When he drinks, he's even more unreliable. I love him, but am always waiting for the next bombshell. The holiday just looks like a prime opportunity for him to get drunk and carried away. I don't like feeling like this, but it seems hard when he so easily suggested leaving me behind.

[ChickenFajitasAndNachos]

Could you come to a compromise where he goes for about 4/5 days and you also have a slightly cheaper than normal family holiday in the school summer holidays. One term time flight to LA is probably about 500 plus it's not as tiring when you are just travelling on your own as can get a bit of sleep on the plane etc so there's no need to go for at least a week.

[middleeasternpromise]

Yep you've asked the question the wrong way round, try me and husband been together quite a while and have school age child together. He's been unfaithful but we worked through it or so I thought and eventually got married last year however I don't feel secure at all in the relationship and the latest evidence of that is him proposing that he takes up our invite to a wedding in the US whilst I stay home and do all the child care - does this sound like a thoughtful other half to you?

[phenobarbidoll]

I guess that's possible, but I doubt it. They're both such sweet people that I doubt they'd even think to make a point like that. I don't know how they feel about not being invited to ours - we had a very small do and they were living in Australia at the time and couldn't have come anyway.

[CerealMom]

Lots of things bother me about this.

1. If DD/OP can't go, DH will go regardless.
   
2. DH not bothered if by going then family can't afford a holiday.
   
3. You don't trust him enough for him to go away separately - understandable.
   

The problem/s isn't really the holiday.

[MsVenus]

Ah I missed the unfaithful bit, even more reason why he shouldn't go alone.

[LIZS]

So basically you suspect he is using this as an excuse to play away? Was he unfaithful before or after the wedding ? How old is your dd (assume he is her father)?

[MsVenus]

Do you think the friends are trying to make a point with the invitation because you didn't invite them to your wedding iyswim. I wouldn't personally go even if the date was school friendly because I would feel awkward for not inviting them to mine. That's just me & my funny little habit.

[phenobarbidoll]

Yes, sorry. I didn't want to write a big rambling message at the beginning. I was trying (unsuccessfully) to keep myself focussed on the bare facts of the situation, without bringing in historical stuff. But it is relevant to how I feel about it I guess.