Friend changing plans to go out to dinner at hers

[Redmamma]

6 months ago I introduced my friend (friend A) to my NCT group as she was feeling lonely since all her mum friends had gone back to work. She has one DD who is the same age as ours (2yrs). She has since become part of the group and comes to all the picnics, BBQs, brunches, etc.

Last week one of the group suggested all the mums went out to dinner as we hardly ever meet up all together these days. Everyone settled on this Thursday as the best day. Friend A emailed this morning saying she is broke and would we be able to come to hers for a ready meal and DVD on Thursday instead (and give her some money). The trouble is I think most of the group were really wanting to go out as we all spend lots of time at home in the evenings and somehow going to hers for a ready meal doesn’t sound so exciting.

Am I being unreasonable to think she should just stick to the plan this time and not commit herself to events she can’t afford in future – or just not come? Also how do we tell her we want to stick to the plan of going out? I also feel like because she is ‘new’ to the group everyone will start to resent her for doing this kind of thing (she’s done it before with drinks out).

[Vintagejazz]

It really annoys me when people are constantly changing plans to suit themselves with no regard as to how it's going to inconvenience other people, or ruin a night out for them. I agree that if a group have agreed to treat themselves to a night out in a restaurant then you make a choice whether to go or not to go. What you don't do is expect the entire group to settle for something less just because you don't want to be left out. Then another week you can suggest all getting together for a takeaway or a meal deal or a drink in the pub.

[noneofyours]

OP don't worry so much. If you always change plans for someone else then it ends up that very few people are happy, just like if you wait for everyone in a group to be able to go out to go out then you'll never get there. Much better to arrange and if people can't make then do another night as well and if your friend can't afford it then let her arrange a pizza night another night.

There's been times when I've not been able to afford a dinner or night out, I've just sucked it up, given my apologies and suggested we meet up again in a couple of weeks or offered people over on another, additional, night. Yes, it's shit when you're at home and everyone else is having fun but you can't do it all and you can't expect people to change plans to suit you, or one other person. Especially if it happens a lot.

[dustarr73]

Why are you worried about upsetting her,she doesnt give a fig about your feelings.Seriousl;y go and enjoy yourself ans stop worrying.

[Ruebarb]

Hear hear bleeding heart - the people who make the most fuss about cost are not the genuinely hard up - they normally keep quiet and just excuse themselves. Obviously this friend has been able to attend many of the other get togethers so you are not excluding her from everything - if you went out for a restaurant meal every time I could understand her getting upset. There are probably some people going for the meal who could not attend other events - everyone has to accept you cant do everything. I think she is definitely bu to expect you to change your plans for her and you have suggested doing her idea another time - totally reasonable

[Redmamma]

Oh no I hope she hasn't seen this thread. She's not really a computer person - not on fb or twitter and didn't know wha t a blog was until a few weeks ago!

I hope if she has seen it she would see that I'm just really worried about upsetting her and don't want her to feel excluded. Although I suppose I was a bit annoyed at her trying to hijack the plans.

[gingercat2]

You're not being unreasonable, she was being cheeky.

[bleedingheart]

You aren't being unreasonable so please don't feel guilty OP.

Could she have seen this thread?

Maybe she has realised others aren't happy with the change and is sulking now!

I've had some experience of people changing plans because of the cost but IME it is rarely people who actually do have money worries who do this. They me usually say no straight out as they don't want to hold others back or they juggle their finances and buy the cheapest meal they can.

[CustardFromATin]

She is bu. It was a good idea to suggest about the paying for your own too - I wish more of my friends would do this, with 3 little ones we're never flush with cash, and I'm not drinking as feeding, so would definitely head out more if there was a chance to order a starter, drink some water and not pay for everyone else's main courses and bubbles!

You sound considerate, balls in her court now...

[dustarr73]

I wouldnt worry about her,she wants to guilt trip you in to giving in to her.If you give in now the next time will be harder to stand your ground.And everybody pays for their own is the best way to do it

[MsVestibule]

Yes, she's definitely sulking. Not putting kisses on texts is what I do when I'm sulking, so I know what I'm talking about .

Honestly, just ignore her behaviour. Let her sulk as long as she wants to; she'll get over it. You've stated your case, the rest of your friends agree with you, she's not happy, she'll get over it.

[Dubjackeen]

Enjoy your night out. Sounds like everyone has been looking forward to it, so go for it. I've never heard of charging someone to eat a ready meal in their home. She could be onto something there, buy a few three for two offer and charge everyone full price

I'm sure the xxs will reappear on the text messages when she needs you to mind her daughter, so don't worry about that. If she wants to sulk because you didn't all agree to cancelling your night out, to pay for a ready meal in her home, so be it.

[MooncupGoddess]

You're totally in the right here so don't be guilt-tripped! Enjoy your night out.

[Redmamma]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to try not to make it awkward and just act like nothing is wrong. I think it's difficult because I have this feeling that deep down we might be being a bit unreasonable/unkind and so I feel a bit guilty. I suppose I just always want to please everyone

[Isabelleforyourbicycle]

She probably knows she was pushing her luck with the alternative plan and now is a bit embarrassed. Don't worry about the text kisses (although I too over analysis stuff like that)...move on, this will blow over.

Enjoy your night out and the company of those supportive friends you've made, focus on that instead.

(Wishes I had had a decent NCT group

[OliviaBenson]

Seriously you are worrying too much over this. You can't be responsible for her all the time. Why are her feelings more important that the wishes/feelings of the rest of the group who want to go out to eat?

I'd text back, saying that's a shame, ask her if she's ok and arrange the coffee for another time.

[flipchart]

Your overthinking it.
Yes she maybe sulking but so what. Your an adult and stated your preference. Nowt wrong with that.

[eddielizzard]

stay strong. she's probably a bit miffed but hopefully realising that doing this isn't on.

i wouldn't be happy going to someone's house for a ready meal when a night out was planned. and i had to pay for someone else's choice!

[Redmamma]

The friend was supposed to be coming over for coffee this morning but has just sent a text 'can't make it today, sorry'. No kisses or anything (she usually puts one or two).

I also emailed everyone last night to say that as everyone was excited bout going out we could not split the bill as usual and just all pay for what we eat/drink. She has not replied to this.

I'm really worried I've upset her and I feel quite childish about the kisses thing. Is it normal to feel hurt by the text she sent?

[YouTheCat]

I think she's holding out for you lot to cave and go to hers or to offer to pay for her meal. Either way I'd just say you were all looking forward to going to a restaurant to eat but would arrange something cheaper next time.

[dustarr73]

She sounds monneygrabbing to me.You would be cheaper if you were going to hers to order a takeaway at least you could have what you want.

Go out dont give in to her,i hate people like this new to the group and try and change your arrangements.Tell her she can come along tot eh next one,which will be at her house and you all bring a dish.

[Fortheloveofralph]

Text back 'Sorry don't fancy pizza/takeaway in, am desperate for a nice meal out. Why don't you come out for pudding or a drink after to make things cheaper'

[Redmamma]

I'm really glad we are not being unreasonable. I feel like I am supportive to her - I have her DD 7-8am twice a week because she has to go to work before her DM can get to her house. I just feel like she's taking it too far by trying to cancel everyone's night out because she can't afford it.

She did do it with drinks once - three of us were supposed to go to the pub and she then opened the invitation to the rest of the group for wine at hers. None of them could make it and then she cancelled the whole thing at the last minute.

The comment about NCT being bitchy is not true in my experience. The women I met have been such a support to me these past two years.

[zipzap]

oops, cross posted with several posts there.

In this case then, I think it's fine to say that this time, the majority vote is to carry on with the pre-agreed plans as the rest of you had been so looking forward to it and that you're looking forward to a restaurant meal rather than a ready meal. But that you'll all arrange a night in together one night soon.

If she really wants to go then she will postpone going out with her dh or save up.
If she doesn't want to go then she won't.
If it's a control thing that she is trying to bend the group to do what she wants then tough, the rest of the group have spoken! I think it's fine to go with what the majority want, particularly as it was the original plan. Just be cheery and upbeat about it, say thanks for the offer but no thanks this time and we'll look forward to seeing you soon even if you're not by the sound of it!

[Inertia]

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you've made the plans for this time, but maybe next time you could make plans to do a bring-a-dish type arrangement at someone's house (the paying for a Tesco pizza at someone's house is a bit of an unusual suggestion though!)

[zipzap]

If you've spoken to most of the rest of the group and they're in agreement with you that they want to have a proper night out, then I think it's fine to say that actually, no, this time you want to stick to the original arrangements but that next time the group meet up during the week you can all sort out a night in - be it a pot luck supper, bbq etc. Say that as you've got the voucher for a cheap night out this time you want to make use of it, if she doesn't want to come then no worries, it's not compulsory and you'll see her soon. Then get everyone to send a similar message.

If she's done it before then definitely need to nip it in the bud now otherwise you might find that she will always agree to go out to things and then decide at the last minute that she doesn't want to pay so changes it to be something that is easy for her - and the rest of you will never get your night out!

Charging a fiver sounds like she is wanting to make money from the evening in that she is having as well as the ease of staying in her own home and the 'glory' of hosting. Talking about having your cake and eating it and charging for it too